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Post by dblvictim on Jun 30, 2014 0:43:24 GMT -5
It's been a year, maybe a little longer sense my last post. This board helped me get through some tough days. Life has had some improvements. The investigation is now getting somewhere. I just had to threaten the police with a certain news paper in town, and send a few emails to the homicide supervisor. Now he is the one handling our case. I am working again, part time. All this is good. You know it makes no difference how well life is going, there is still that empty feeling inside of you. There is a part of you missing, and it can't be fixed. You can't fill that empty place. Even five years later, there's times when it hits me so hard that it makes me feel sick and all I want to do is crawl out of my own skin to get away from that feeling. I still have times when the feeling of missing them both hits so hard that I want to scream. It feels like you are losing your mind. How can anything hurt that much? I still wish I could have one more day with them. If I could just hear their voices. I still carry a lot of guilt when it comes to Trevor. I wasn't able to stop this from happening. I wasn't able to protect him and keep him safe. Trevor would be 23 now. There's so much that I didn't get to see him do. If I could turn back time and do it over again, even knowing the outcome, I would not hesitate. I would give my life for just one more day with him. I think about when he was a baby, holding him and rocking him. He was my cuddly one. God, I miss him.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Jul 4, 2014 14:07:39 GMT -5
Dear friend,
Thank you for the update.
It's nice to see you are making headway, even with the case too. Who would stand up for them now if not us, bless you for doing whatever you can to protect others from those monsters.
I agree with every single word of your post. Even after 13 years have passed, there are still times the missing her aches so badly that I'm in tears. It is still there every day, it just doesn't knock my feet out from under me as often as it used to. We learn to walk again, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to walk without them.
((((HUGS))))
Janet
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Post by dblvictim on Oct 7, 2014 13:41:05 GMT -5
I dont believe there is anything harder in this life to face than having to bury your child. This is not the order that we believe life takes. But, it happens to many of us. It has been six years sense I buried my youngest son, my youngest child. A week later it was my husband that was being buried. Three years later, someone very close to me passed. I had to tell the doctors to take him off of life support. We think that we cannot make it through these times. We feel as if we are going to lose our minds, the pain is so intense that you want to crawl out of your skin to get away from it. We are numb, yet we feel immense pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, emptiness, lost, our world as we knew it is no longer there. Now we have to learn how to live in this new world of ours. This is a terrifying journey we must make. A few years after the loss of my son and husband, I found myself almost counseling others who had lost a loved one. Not in the same way that I lost mine, but it is still a loss. Some of the questions I would be asked were the same: "Does it ever quit hurting?" "How do you get through the day?" "Should I get rid of their belongings?" These are just a few of the questions I would be asked. My answers to these questions: "The hurt is always there, we learn to live with it, it becomes a part of us, like every other emotion we feel." "I get through the day, at first, a second at a time, then a minute at a time, then an hour, a day and one day you realize you made it through without the struggle." "You should do with their belongings what you feel is best for you. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in this." I was always told how strong I was, that I was an inspiration, I was admired for keeping "it" together. So, I did my best to show the world and those around me how strong I was, because it made their reality easier to deal with. On the inside I was falling apart. I could hear the other Me(s) in my head screaming for help. I started going to school on-line to get a degree so I could become an advocate and help others that are going through what I went through. I thought I was ok, I could do this. The end of last year, beginning of this year, I finally lost "it". I lost over 25 pounds in 3 weeks, I cried constantly, I could not sleep, I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to be with people. A friend of mine asked me if I had ever really dealt with everything. Of course I had, I did everyday. She said "No, have you dealt with the emotions?" There it was. I had spent the last five years being what everyone wanted me to be. Strong. So I sat down and began to write.I wrote about the night of the shooting, the feelings of that night, I wrote about the aftermath, how I felt, I wrote about our life before this happened. Well seven notebooks later, I was finally able to sleep, I wasn't crying all the time, I got a job and my life is ok. I owe money on my student loans because I wasn't able to continue school in the mental shape I was in. But that's ok, I'll deal with it...I have dealt with harder things. So, when you think you are doing ok, but you hit bottom, that's ok, we all do it. This is just a tiny hill in our path to healing. Parenting is the most important "job" we take-on, and to have that "job" terminated due to someone else's lack of values, that is the hardest part of the "job" we took-on. So, to those that read this, I wish you much luck on this journey, and remember that your Angels are with you to comfort and guide you, to protect and to heal you. Much love to all on this journey we must take.
Lisa.
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