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Post by beemo on Dec 2, 2008 16:15:01 GMT -5
Hi Everyone. I haven't posted in a while, but now I am facing a new problem. When my dad was murdered by my nephew, my son was five and my daughter wasn't quite two. At the time, we told them grandpa was old and sick (a lie). My son then wanted to know how he got sick, so I told him from smoking for so many years. That was probably stupid, but I didn't know what else to say.
My son is almost eight now, and he doesn't ask many questions anymore, but my four year old daughter will still ask questions. Just the other day she asked me how Grandpa Jim died, and I gave her the same old story. I'm pretty sure my son could handle the truth now, but should I wait until he asks questions again, or wait for him to find out some other way and then answer all his questions? And what should I tell my daughter? She probably doesn't remember her cousin now, because we don't ever talk about him (although my mom has pictures of him hanging up in her house). I just don't know about telling her a bad man killed grandpa.
Thanks for any ideas you might have.
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Post by tamècasmom on Dec 2, 2008 19:15:54 GMT -5
Simply....the truth. Maybe not all the details.
Why? Because lies hurt in the end the truth always comes out. When the truth comes out the children have to deal with the lies and the murder. Lies are harder to deal with the older people are. How? Only you know because you know the children involved.
Just my humble opinion, hope it helps.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 3, 2008 6:06:54 GMT -5
Somehow this is a white lie that is too big to cover up for long. My son was 8 when my Dad was murdered by my brother, and he was with me when I found out, so he's known from the beginning. If he hadn't been with me, I think I would've had the same instincts as you to protect him from the truth.
When he asked me why my brother killed my Dad, I simply told him the truth. That sometimes people who are mentally ill and aren't receiving the proper treatment or medicine do violent things. I had to reassure him many times that my brother was never getting out of jail, and that it wouldn't happen to him.
I also told him that people who do such things are very,very rare. And that most people aren't bad or crazy. I was lucky because a local hospice had a grief counselor who specialized in children, and she came out to the house for free to talk with my son and help him process it in his own way.
Yes, knowing the truth has taken away some of my son's childhood and security...and I hate my brother for that.
Somehow knowing the truth, though, has brought my son to a newer and deeper level of spirituality because we've had many talks about why such a thing could happen to a good man like my father. And he understands some of the strange family dynamics that have happened since the murder.
Today, at 13, his questions are more sophisticated than they were when he was 8. In many ways, he's still processing the death just as I am.
I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to explain this to my son at all. I didn't have a choice, however.
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Post by Charlene on Dec 3, 2008 22:32:37 GMT -5
Maybe you could talk to your kids about the truth on a special day, either the next anniversary of the murder, or your dad's birthday - something like that. Take them to the cemetary and plant a new flower or some other ritual, and talk about while you are working. Explain that you think they are old enough for you to tell them how Grandpa died and if they ask why you lied, just explain that they were much younger, and also you were very upset and had not had enough time to think about how to explain it.
The worst thing would be if other family members (especially other children) talk about it around them before you tell them what really happened. They would feel out of the loop and wonder why they were unworthy of the truth.
Best of luck with this!
Charlene
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Post by taterfay on Dec 5, 2008 13:39:23 GMT -5
Good luck! This is often a question I wonder about myself. My nephew is biologically my sister's son but is being raised by my brother and his wife. I don't know what age is appropriate for them to tell him the truth (that his father killed his mother)?? He is only 3 years old, so obviously now isn't the right time.
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Post by friends4ever on Dec 18, 2008 2:55:03 GMT -5
I have been honest and upfront with my kids from the Day my brother killed Becky, my kids were 3, 4 and 8 when it happened and to this day I am glad that I was honest with them. I didn't give them alot of information when they were that young, but as the years went by they asked different questions and I gave them as simple of an answer as I could for the age range. Now at 16, 17 and 20, they thank me for being honest and tell me that this is why they trust me not to lie to them about anything.
This honesty with them was just tested in the past 2 months as my father killed himself, after he called me to say goodbye, I gathered my kids to tell them that he could no longer take the agony of his lung disease and that he was going to go out on his own terms. This gave them the opportunity to call him and say good bye. Again, the truth is helping to work through it all.
Good luck in your decisions.
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Post by cpruitt78 on Apr 8, 2009 16:42:03 GMT -5
I am struggeling with the same issue... My sister-n-law was murdered by the father of her then 18 day old baby, which my husband and I are now raising. She is only 17 months old now- but we know eventually the question will arise. i have told my husband we need to start early and just tell her the truth... mY husbadn fears thsi may be to painful- but I really think the truth is best... Just my take on it..
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Post by anakahashi008 on Apr 19, 2009 16:27:49 GMT -5
I suppose it would depend on the child(ren) the incident when/how to tell them. At the time of Jake and Kelley's murder their children were just under 3yrs and 3 months old. The older daughter was told by her mom- "I'll be back soon." and still holds her mother to this promise. When the family tried to tell her not of the incident, but that her mother had died and will not be coming back the daughter dismissed it and went to her toy phone to call her mother, who assured her she was coming back.
If it were me in the situation I would discuss the how/when with a counselor and and possibly address the issue in counseling.
I agree very much about the discussion around the child before addressing it with them. When I was 8 there was an elderly man I had befriended next door. For 2 weeks I banged on his door and reported to my mother eventually that he wasn't answering. I decided maybe he'd gone on vacation, although knowing he was old I feared the hospital. A couple days later I saw some younger people (a man and a woman) at his home taking some of his stuff. I approached the people and asked. "where's Jack? Why are you taking his stuff?" The woman said nothing and just looked down. The man glanced at me once and as he looked back down he said "Jack isn't here anymore." "who are you?" I asked "I'm Jacks son." he replied then continued his study of whatever he was looking at. I ran back to my house to tell my mom of the strange people taking Jacks stuff and stumbled onto my mother taking to the land lady through the thin wall without her knowing. She was saying" I don't think we should tell (me) that Jack is dead- it would only upset her." I just stood there stunned.. Stunned my mother didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. She still hadn't noticed I was there and I yelled loud enough so they both could hear: "So you don't think it would upset me that you wouldn't tell me my friend is dead?" Children are people- and even though the words may not be in the vocabulary the feelings are still there. It's not always right to give them this burden to carry at such a young age, but as I stated above it depends on the child, the incident and quite often the circumstance that they are in now. We cannot tell the older daughter at this time what has happened per se to her mother and father and uncle. It would terrorize her, it terrorizes me to some degree. I still believe that under guidance under counseling is a safer option- also it puts a mediator in it. I spent 8 years in family counseling with my mother and it made a remarkable difference in my adulthood. Not that I'm perfect but I'm balanced alright for the most part. (sorry my posts have been really long the last few times- guess I have a lot in my brain.)
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Post by purples on Nov 6, 2009 11:48:59 GMT -5
My daughter was three when Michael was murdered by her father. She was there when it happened. So I've told her the truth from the very beginning. I wasn't sure if she really understood what happened, but if you ask her today about her father, she will tell you he is in prison for murdering Michael. I truely believe the truth is better and people has to deal with it, cause that's the way it is. They say " The truth will set you Free" I HOPE IT WORKS OUT WELL FOR YA!
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