Post by friends4ever on Aug 4, 2009 0:34:55 GMT -5
Hello there, it has been quite a while since I've read the forums, let alone posted. This past year has been one with many life altering changes, sometimes those changes bring back old memories and feelings.
Last September I finally began going to a Grief Share Group here in Sacramento. In 13 years I had never really dealt with the murder of my best friend at the hands of my brother, the first year was spent in court then when that was done I moved 800 miles away and never had to be known as " That girl who's brother killed his wife". It was a great escape for 13 years then it all caved in and began having panic attacks again. I met a girl who had such a similar experience that I was shocked, unfortunately she only went the one time.
After about 6 weeks I was doing so much better and had worked through the anxiety and began feeling better, it was then that I realized that my parents health issues were what had brought the panic attacks on as I am afraid of losing them. Both Mom and Dad were diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, Daddy was at the end of a 6 month life expectancy and on October 18, 2008 when I called him I hear the words I had been expecting, (why would no one that lived near him believe me?), Daddy said that he could not go on like this and informed me that he was going to end his suffering. For 3 days I talked with him, plead with him and finally I realized the pain he was in... in the end I spoke to him about how he felt about God, if he felt he would be forgiven and if he felt as if God was with him. On October 21, 2008 my Dad shot himself and my heart was broken all over again. The call I made to him that morning just to tell him that I loved him was 5 minutes too late.
It is funny how much you remember about a person when they are gone, Daddy had not once turned his back on me as the rest of my family did when I said that my brother killed Becky, Daddy had always believed and supported me. He was always so proud of me and always felt that of the 8 of us kids I would always be the strongest. I am glad that he knew of my oldest son's plans to go into the Army, he was so proud of him and I know he would be proud to know that my husband re-enlisted as well. He never got to meet my granddaughter, nor will he meet her little brother who is due in October of this year, but he will keep watch, just as Becky watches over .
Time is a funny thing, all you can do is watch and let life happen. You can't stop fate, all you can do is deal with what it brings and you either come out damaged or stronger, I know I am stronger despite the pain. I am getting ready to go to another Grief Share in September again, I hope to make it through without another tragedy, the day Daddy killed himself was the day of one of our meetings. I am so thankful for the time I had with him, and for the talk we had. He knew God was carrying him, he was just too tired to go on.
I am sorry for the novel, but I needed to get it out. I wish that no one had to go through the pain we have all gone through when losing a loved one through murder or even a suicide, in the end, We are all survivors!
Last September I finally began going to a Grief Share Group here in Sacramento. In 13 years I had never really dealt with the murder of my best friend at the hands of my brother, the first year was spent in court then when that was done I moved 800 miles away and never had to be known as " That girl who's brother killed his wife". It was a great escape for 13 years then it all caved in and began having panic attacks again. I met a girl who had such a similar experience that I was shocked, unfortunately she only went the one time.
After about 6 weeks I was doing so much better and had worked through the anxiety and began feeling better, it was then that I realized that my parents health issues were what had brought the panic attacks on as I am afraid of losing them. Both Mom and Dad were diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, Daddy was at the end of a 6 month life expectancy and on October 18, 2008 when I called him I hear the words I had been expecting, (why would no one that lived near him believe me?), Daddy said that he could not go on like this and informed me that he was going to end his suffering. For 3 days I talked with him, plead with him and finally I realized the pain he was in... in the end I spoke to him about how he felt about God, if he felt he would be forgiven and if he felt as if God was with him. On October 21, 2008 my Dad shot himself and my heart was broken all over again. The call I made to him that morning just to tell him that I loved him was 5 minutes too late.
It is funny how much you remember about a person when they are gone, Daddy had not once turned his back on me as the rest of my family did when I said that my brother killed Becky, Daddy had always believed and supported me. He was always so proud of me and always felt that of the 8 of us kids I would always be the strongest. I am glad that he knew of my oldest son's plans to go into the Army, he was so proud of him and I know he would be proud to know that my husband re-enlisted as well. He never got to meet my granddaughter, nor will he meet her little brother who is due in October of this year, but he will keep watch, just as Becky watches over .
Time is a funny thing, all you can do is watch and let life happen. You can't stop fate, all you can do is deal with what it brings and you either come out damaged or stronger, I know I am stronger despite the pain. I am getting ready to go to another Grief Share in September again, I hope to make it through without another tragedy, the day Daddy killed himself was the day of one of our meetings. I am so thankful for the time I had with him, and for the talk we had. He knew God was carrying him, he was just too tired to go on.
I am sorry for the novel, but I needed to get it out. I wish that no one had to go through the pain we have all gone through when losing a loved one through murder or even a suicide, in the end, We are all survivors!