Post by pumpkin12903 on Aug 15, 2009 14:57:21 GMT -5
Today's the sadiversary of the murder of my Dad and Grandma by my Mother in 1990. I can't handle being around anyone in person this year. Thank God the love of my life (my fiance) understands this. I have no resentment, upset against him, etc. but am just so angry, sad and disgusted today that I know I won't be the best company for him to say the least! I really think going off the medicine I was on for panic disorder in January has brought out MORE emotions. Actually, I think that's mostly a good thing! I've found I'm feeling even MORE, but in a GOOD way! These aren't the self-destructive kinds of emotions I had for years after the murders, but are like the 1's I had right after the murders that were part of the healing process, etc. Even today, I love that I'm so much better due to the work I've done to GET better, that I'm OFF that medicine for GOOD. I was switched to another medicine before I went off the 1 and that 1 has NO withdrawls when you go off it! I hope to be off that 1 someday also! Anyway, 1 of the GOOD parts of the withdrawls (not many good parts, but thank God FOR the good!) is that emotions about the murders have really come back, but I'm handling them 100% differently than in the immediate aftermath of the murders. It took me a while to really start self-destructing THEN, but now...there's so much LESS of that in my life it's very different. Yes, am still fighting the MONSTER (1 of my names for it) eating disorder...but have at the least maintained my weight for a lot of years now, have great improvement in what I'm eating, when, etc. I put on over a 100 lbs. after the murders and didn't care until I got off alcohol! Even today, I won't let it EVER break me. I need to get the rest of this extra weight off FASTER and am still working on that goal. I've improved my diet again in the past few months. Have I done the best with the eating disorder? NO, but I've never given up on getting back into the size 12/14's I got into back in the 1980's. I still say (even today) ***### YOU to the naysayer SCUM I've run into in my life (especially the user/abuser/LOSER that harrassed me at my job a few years ago) who judge others' recoveries, diet, etc and do NOTHING to fix THEMSELVES! Included in that group of SCUM are the 1's who tell us evil crap like "move on", "aren't you over the murder yet?", etc. ****#### them FOREVER! I'm sick and tired of these scum who who judge other's recoveries and do NOTHING to fix themselves. The user/abuser/loser who harrassed me on the job has at least left me alone for over 2 years now. Thank God for that and am thankful for it TODAY also. Thank God I haven't had to deal with a restraining order, etc. and hope never have to, because if that user/abuser/loser ever contacts me again, it's police time and restraining order time. I'm very thankful to have NOT had to go through that also! If anyone has an eating disorder, alcohol addiction, etc., the important thing is are they working on it? Have they acknowledged it? Is progress being made? These naysayer SCUM ignore those questions, of course. ****#### them, including the scum that are also STALKERS and HARRASSERS to others on the job! I really have a hate for the workplace stalkers/harrassers as I know 1st hand the HELL they put people through! Anyway, another good thing: MORE memories are coming back being OFF this medicine! My long-term memory is healing faster being OFF it. I have many wonderful memories from before the murders. Also have many bad 1's. But, what if they were ALL bad? Thank God they're not! Anyway, this year am just so disgusted with the loss and evil that was done. Why did Mom have to destroy herself and others? Does she have any idea about what she did to her family? That I ended up with post-traumatic stress disorder through no fault of my own, ie., I had NOTHING to do with the murders? No, she gave into her rage at being abused by her Mother and took the EASY, VIOLENT way out. I HATE IT! I see her as so WEAK in so many ways and I HATE IT. She gave in instead of FIGHTING the weakness and realizing her WORTH, ie., acknowledging the abuse and fixing the results of it in herself without taking it out on others. Yes, she was truly sick with bipolar disorder, but if she'd gotten help...Those who don't get help for their mental illness terrify me, to say the least. They also make me furious! To FACE your sickness is the right thing to do, ALWAYS. That way you don't even RISK destroying others as she did! Even right befor the murders, she had short time periods where she wasn't abusive and was acting normal. She had chances during those times to FACE her sickness and get help. Anyway, am going on and on here... ...I'll never not believe it could have all been prevented. Mom had the most in herself to FIX and I really think if she'd done that...others in my family also had stuff to fix. I know, and find comfort in the fact, that I did do all I could based on my own mental state at the time to get her to get mental help. It took a lot of years to even face that, but I did in counseling of various kinds and have had a clear conscience about it for a lot of years now. I did the best I could for being abused myself. I could have done nothing, like some of my family did. I could have RUN like they did. What she did will always be evil and I hate it so much. Yes, my Dad had some problems and my Grandma was abusive also, but they didn't deserve this EVER. NONE of our murdered loved 1's and/or friends deserve to be killed no matter what! I'll be glad when this day is over (feel that way EVERY year... )...and want to thank all of you for your support. I've made friends online that I consider family and thank God for you! Thanks for listening