|
Post by hurtinsf on Feb 22, 2011 15:07:42 GMT -5
Three weeks ago my sister was shot many times by her husband in front of her daughter and my parents are victim blaming her that her child was present and that her husband felt "forced" to kill her and to make matters worse the murdering husband has given the kids to my parents even though my sister didn't want them to be raised by them.
I feel like I have entered to parallel universe where everything insane is considered sane. I just spent almost three weeks with my parents and her children listening to them talk about how when she knew he was going to shoot her she shouldn't have told her daughter to stay in the room and how he would never hurt the kids but isn't killing their mother especially in front of them, harming them? first they told me she was "mentally ill" which it turns out meant she wanted to leave her husband, she had been spending time on the computer trying to avoid him and get in contact with people that weren't crazy christians that would just tell her god wanted her to stay in a loveless marriage. on the day of the murder she was meeting with a divorce lawyer but to my face my mother said my sister and her husband were "working things out" and he just did to protect the children. The proof to my mother that my sister was "mentally ill" was that she had stopped going to church and was making her husband do the dishes and even do laundry.
they are paying for the murderers phone calls from jail and got his truck out of en-pound and they have even talked about paying for his lawyer's fees. the murderer has said he will plead guilty but I doubt that and I think my parents may even speak in his defense.
and now these people who were abusive parents to us, are now going to raise her children and there is not a damn thing I can do with it all the while they are supporting the man who murdered her.
now I am across the country and since I've left they have cut off all contact with since I don't support them in their delusions.
has anyone dealt with family member victim blaming and use religion to justify murder.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 23, 2011 7:54:57 GMT -5
Three weeks ago my sister was shot many times by her husband in front of her daughter and my parents are victim blaming her that her child was present and that her husband felt "forced" to kill her and to make matters worse the murdering husband has given the kids to my parents even though my sister didn't want them to be raised by them. I feel like I have entered to parallel universe where everything insane is considered sane. I just spent almost three weeks with my parents and her children listening to them talk about how when she knew he was going to shoot her she shouldn't have told her daughter to stay in the room and how he would never hurt the kids but isn't killing their mother especially in front of them, harming them? first they told me she was "mentally ill" which it turns out meant she wanted to leave her husband, she had been spending time on the computer trying to avoid him and get in contact with people that weren't crazy christians that would just tell her god wanted her to stay in a loveless marriage. on the day of the murder she was meeting with a divorce lawyer but to my face my mother said my sister and her husband were "working things out" and he just did to protect the children. The proof to my mother that my sister was "mentally ill" was that she had stopped going to church and was making her husband do the dishes and even do laundry. they are paying for the murderers phone calls from jail and got his truck out of en-pound and they have even talked about paying for his lawyer's fees. the murderer has said he will plead guilty but I doubt that and I think my parents may even speak in his defense. and now these people who were abusive parents to us, are now going to raise her children and there is not a damn thing I can do with it all the while they are supporting the man who murdered her. now I am across the country and since I've left they have cut off all contact with since I don't support them in their delusions. has anyone dealt with family member victim blaming and use religion to justify murder. Dear hurtinsf, I'm very sorry about your sister. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. I don't have 1st hand experience with this type of situation, but unfortunately have read about cases where this evil denial is going strong. I'm so sorry you're going through this. What's going on is an outrage. I think the closest I have to your experience is that there's still some in denial in my family. I honestly wonder what it'll ever take for them to COME OUT of denial. They won't admit that 1 of the victims was a verbal/emotional abuser. In my familys' case, my Mother murdered her Mother (who verbally/emotionally abused her) and my Dad. The abuse still isn't faced by some. This reminds me to a degree of your case. However, your case is a lot worse in this way as far as denial goes. I'm going to have to log off now for work reasons, but will finish writing you back when I can. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 25, 2011 15:12:56 GMT -5
Three weeks ago my sister was shot many times by her husband in front of her daughter and my parents are victim blaming her that her child was present and that her husband felt "forced" to kill her and to make matters worse the murdering husband has given the kids to my parents even though my sister didn't want them to be raised by them. I feel like I have entered to parallel universe where everything insane is considered sane. I just spent almost three weeks with my parents and her children listening to them talk about how when she knew he was going to shoot her she shouldn't have told her daughter to stay in the room and how he would never hurt the kids but isn't killing their mother especially in front of them, harming them? first they told me she was "mentally ill" which it turns out meant she wanted to leave her husband, she had been spending time on the computer trying to avoid him and get in contact with people that weren't crazy christians that would just tell her god wanted her to stay in a loveless marriage. on the day of the murder she was meeting with a divorce lawyer but to my face my mother said my sister and her husband were "working things out" and he just did to protect the children. The proof to my mother that my sister was "mentally ill" was that she had stopped going to church and was making her husband do the dishes and even do laundry. they are paying for the murderers phone calls from jail and got his truck out of en-pound and they have even talked about paying for his lawyer's fees. the murderer has said he will plead guilty but I doubt that and I think my parents may even speak in his defense. and now these people who were abusive parents to us, are now going to raise her children and there is not a damn thing I can do with it all the while they are supporting the man who murdered her. now I am across the country and since I've left they have cut off all contact with since I don't support them in their delusions. has anyone dealt with family member victim blaming and use religion to justify murder. It's an evil lie that anyone who sees a loved 1 murdered won't have problems later. I didn't see the murders in my family (which I'm very thankful for), but was in counseling close to 20 years because of it plus other issues related to the murders that happened before them. The level of denial in your family is horrible and sad. I'm not surprised you say they were abusive before. It sounds like they won't even admit that which makes their actions after the murder not surprising at all. Please stay strong and keep away from these evil influences! In order for US to stay well we have to break away from ANY abuser who isn't getting help, etc. I hope your family gets the help they need and turn around 1 day and come out of this denial. There's a wonderful group called Parents of Murdered Children that you may want to look into. There's a link to them on here. Hopefully, you can find other MVS with cases like yours there. This group is wonderful and was a huge help to me in the 1st few years after the murders and I'm still a member even though I quit going to meetings years ago. I hope this info will help you. Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by hurtinsf on Feb 26, 2011 15:51:34 GMT -5
thanks for replying pumpkin. i am going to go to a POMC meeting but I feel so alone in that my family is supporting this murderer. hopefully I will meet some people who have been through this too.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 28, 2011 7:54:57 GMT -5
thanks for replying pumpkin. i am going to go to a POMC meeting but I feel so alone in that my family is supporting this murderer. hopefully I will meet some people who have been through this too. I think it's wonderful there's a POMC meeting in your area! But, something you need to know is that it's a possibility that some are going to treat you with fear and/or hesitancy once you tell your story. This happened to me at POMC. BUT, the 1's who acted that way were FEW. This is a positive. I've also found this reaction with a few OUTSIDE of POMC. 1 positive I got out of it was a resolve to expose as much as possible the issues that we inter-family MVS have compared to those who don't have our type of case. This specific board is 1 thing that came out of my resolve. I was very glad to see that there were MANY at the POMC meeting I went to that we positive and didn't treat me different after I told my whole story. That was a big help! But, the fact is when you have an inter-family case there's going to be those ###*** who think you're someone to be feared, etc., because they give into the lies/fear of society about the families of murder victims. It bothers me to even have to tell you about how some are with inter-family cases, but it's better for you to be prepared than NOT. Also, here's a link to a book I have by the sister of convicted murderer Scott Peterson: www.amazon.com/Blood-Brother-Reasons-Peterson-Guilty/dp/B0046LUD0Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1298896394&sr=1-1Since Scott's parents are in evil denial, I know you can identify with this book. I can identify with it a great deal, but not completely. The author of this book knows like you what it's like to have family members in denial, unfortunately. I started reading true crime books not long after the murders in my family and they've been a great help to me. I wish you the best with POMC. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by debbiessister on Mar 21, 2011 18:44:22 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for you loss. My sister was murdered by her husband in 4/10 so I know what you are going through. In fact the other post on here with the same heading is mine. It is so complicated when the murdered and the murderer are from the same family. There are mixed feelings among some of the people in the family that is very hard to understand. Feelings do change though because my nephews who were sympathetic to their father in the beginning now want nothing to do with him. Stay strong and if you need to talk I am here to talk to. We are in the same boat unfortunately.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Mar 23, 2011 6:44:52 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for you loss. My sister was murdered by her husband in 4/10 so I know what you are going through. In fact the other post on here with the same heading is mine. It is so complicated when the murdered and the murderer are from the same family. There are mixed feelings among some of the people in the family that is very hard to understand. Feelings do change though because my nephews who were sympathetic to their father in the beginning now want nothing to do with him. Stay strong and if you need to talk I am here to talk to. We are in the same boat unfortunately. We inter-family MVS have a few issues that NON-inter-family MVS don't have. A big 1 is: how do we deal with the perpetrator, ESPECIALLY if we still love them? I think I'll have mixed feelings the rest of my life, but what else could be expected? These issues are why SPECIFIC support for us is needed. Thanks for listening.
|
|
|
Post by hurtinsf on Apr 7, 2011 16:13:00 GMT -5
thanks for the replies. Sorry but I have no love for the murderer, he was a fake bastard who used his religious views to justify hating me and limiting my access to my niece and nephew and then used then to justify murdering him. But since my parents are also crazy christian freaks if they admit he is bad then they have to admit that their beliefs may be wrong. The state is charging him with first degree murder because he told people he was going to kill my sister, he told people he would be in jail that night and he went to a gun store and had them how to load and shoot the gun the morning before he killed her. My parents have called the attorney's general office and have complained about him not getting manslaughter or a plea deal and complaining that is willing he willing to do a few years in jail but he should loss his entire life just for murdering their daughter. Do they even think what my sister would think about what they are doing? They also lied to the attorney general that my sister didn't have any other family that should be informed so it took a long time for me to even get access to what was going on.
|
|
|
Post by hurtinsf on Apr 7, 2011 16:14:28 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Apr 7, 2011 16:57:56 GMT -5
Dear hurtinsf, I am so sorry your sister was taken from you, and from her children There is no excuse for spousal abuse or murder. They are just wrong, wrong, wrong. I don't think I can change your mind about Jesus or religion, but almost all Christians I know would not excuse what he did - I do want you to know at least that. So I will just say that I do not believe Jesus taught that abusing anyone was okay. In fact, from what I know of it, Jesus taught that the husband was supposed to care for his wife and cherish her. Murder is as far from that as one can go. Controlling what she would be allowed to do, and controlling her to the point that he wanted to have power over whether she lived or died - there is nothing to do with love or cherishing about that - only a selfish murderer who would not give up wanting to have her as his possession. No wonder she wanted to get away from him! I can remember how I felt leaving that man who used to hurt me behind, going over 1500 miles away and hoping it would be far enough. Oh how I wish your sister could have made it away from him too. My heart breaks for you and for her children more than I know how to say. Good on you for starting your blog, and writing and venting. Learning what to do with all this tension and fury is so very hard. We never should have had to, but there are ways for it to be possible. Journaling and writing and writing about my feelings did help me to vent and release at least some of the wracking tension that comes after murder. There are other things that can help too. You have probably read some of those posts here. I wish I had answers for you, and for so many of us. But we can always be here at least to listen, and to share what did help each of us along the way of this path we never wanted. I hope you find some ideas here that can help you.
|
|
|
Post by mom2young on Apr 15, 2012 17:14:01 GMT -5
wow, i cannot believe your parents!so you lost your sister and parents too, and niece/nephew. they sound crazy. my mom was murdered by her husband 17 years ago and I was 21 then. I could never ever imagine even forgiving a murderer. let alone support the man who took your daughters life. Good luck .
|
|