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Post by chelle28 on Sept 23, 2013 12:35:41 GMT -5
My aunt was missing from dec 09 to march 2010. Killer confessed. he did not tell the truth on any of his story. only that he killed her. later a fisherman found her nude and murdered in a bayou. No cause of death could be confirmed. her clothes, shoes, & purse is still missing. we do not know what happened that night and we never will. the killer will always lie and even if he did tell the truth he has lied so much that we wouldnt be able to believe him. we still have missing items and a missing story.
fast forward to june 2013 my aunt's daughter told me that the killer has accepted a plea deal for manslaughter with a cap at 40 yrs and that we all need to write victim impact letters to the judge and attend a sentencing hearing. said that the state didnt want to take this to trial for lack of evidence. i did not want to attend a trial because i knew the defense attorney would be dragging my aunts name through the mud to prove a motivation behind why she was murdered. also, i knew details would be revealed that we the family had never heard before - and probably can't handle knowing.
so i write my letter. i struggled. i researched what i was supposed to say. i relived all the moments when she was missing and how i felt then and now. i did it so that the jedge would read it aned consider giving the max amount of time for all the pain and suffering the killer has brought into our lives. then my cousin wants me to help her write her letter. i tried to help her but realized that words would never be sufficient to describe her life and mental state now because of this. and we agreed that the judge, lawyers, and d.a. have all decided what they want to do anyway and they are not FOR us, only for eachother and that they really do not care. we got about 3 pages of her story written trying to sum it up and portray to the judge what's happened with my cousin. we were not satisfied with it. so she rewrote a smaller version.
then she asked me to read her letter for her if she was unable to. i went back and forth on if i should or shouldnt. i was scared, i was mad, i was nervous, at the same i was honored. i said yes with the idea that i am being used as a back up plan....i was expecting us to attend court and she read the letter AND if at the last minute she couldn't...pass me the letter and i stand up and do it. no problem.
she told me " i can't do this, you're going to HAVE to." (game changer) she just hands me the letter with this "im done with this attitude"...i was expecting a little more effort from her, and i was disappionted she wasnt going to try and just dumped this on me because she didnt want to read out loud in front of people. so i said okay....
days go by and im thinking on this and im thinking on this....i get mad. i start crying. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!! I DIDNT DO A F_ING THING WRONG ! WHY DOESNT THE KILLER HAVE TO WRITE A LETTER? WHY DOESNT HE HAVE TO GET UP IN FRONT OF ALL OF US AND SAY SOMETHING!?!?! HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE TO SAY HE IS SORRY!!! HE GOT A F_ING PLEA DEAL!!! A D E A L !!!!!!! I COULD SCREAM IM DO MAD! ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SIT ON HIS HANDS AND STARE AT THE FLOOR. IF HE DOESNT LOOK AT ME - IM PISSED, IF HE DOES LOOK AT ME - IM PISSED. IF HE SAYS HE IS SORRY I GET MAD, IF HE DOESNT SAY SORRY I GET MAD. IM ALWAYS GONNA BE MAD BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO TELL ME WHAT HE DID TO MY AUNT !!!!!!!!!!!! ITS NEVER GOING TO BE OKAY! HOW CAN A PERSON PROCESS AN EVENT WHEN THEY DONT KNOW ANYTHING?? I JUST WANT MORE DAYS OF JOY THAN MORE DAYS LIKE THIS. WILL I EVER GET THEM? I DO NOT TRUST ANY ONE IN MY FAMILY. MY UNCLE RAPED MY AUNT WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL. I BLAME HIM FOR CAUSING HER MENTAL ILLNESS, I BLAME HIM FOR HER DRUG USE, I BLAME HIM FOR CAUSING TO RUN TO THE STREETS. I BLAME HIM FOR HER DEATH! HE NEEDS TO BE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THE KILLER, HOLDING HANDS WITH HIM. HE KILLED HER SPIRIT AT 7 YEARS OLD AND THE MURDERER KILLED HER BODY AT 46. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE??? I DONT FEEL IT IS FAIR FOR ME TO BE PUT IN THE SPOTLIGHT, IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I DO NOT TRUST TO PICK UP THE DOG CRAP FROM MY YARD, PEOPLE I FEEL IS NOT ON OUR SIDE AND DOES NOT CARE ABOUT OUR LIVES, OUR FEELINGS, OR OUR OPINIONS. IT IS NOT FAIR THAT THE KILLER EVEN SIT IN MY PRESENCE, NOT FAIR FOR HIM TO HEAR MY VOICE, AND NOT FAIR FOR HIM TO EVEN HEAR THE LETTER! I FEEL LIKE A PUPPET AND THE JUDGE IS MAKING ME DANCE FOR ENTERTAINMENT FOR HIM AND THE MURDERER AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THAT ROOM. WHAT IS THE POINT??? THE JUDGE HAS ALREADY READ ALL THE LETTERS! IM SURE HE HAS ALREADY MADE UP HIS MIND!
my reading this out loud will not change anything. this sentencing will not change anything. i will arrive and leave that day and return to my life just as it is. there is nothing out there for me that will help me, there is no one out there who can give me anything....so why do i need to put myself in the spot light in my most vulnerable state and expose how hurt i am?
he OWES us everything - yet he doesnt have to give anything? he has taken away so much from me only to be given the gift of a deal. i still have a family to tend to...a family who depends on me to not be stuck in my grief, depends on me to be as mentally well as i can be. i refuse to let anyone or anything take me to a place where i am not well. im scared to death of going back to the place of pain where i was before with this...unrest, turmoil, chaos, pain, stomach aches, migraines, body aches, sleepless night, crying for hours and hours. i dont want to go back there. it is a dark and unforgiving place without mercy...i dont want to feel that again.
i read other people's opinions on victim impact letters and they say they were happy they did it and wanted the killer to know what they went through. i dont. this information is very sacred and dear to me. the words in these letters came at a high price. the days and nights we suffered horribly are what put the words on those letters and that information IS NOT just for anyone. especially the scum bag killer sitting on a high horse looking at me like an ant at his feet.
does it seem this way to anyone else? this doesnt FEEL right.
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Post by chelle28 on Sept 23, 2013 12:38:04 GMT -5
im just so tired.
our motivation now was to make sure he didnt get out and do this to someone else.
they shot that down, giving him 40 - he can still get out and kill someone else.
so why try anyore? it's done. nothing we say matters.
im exhausted. i want this to go away.
if i would have ever sat down and wrote a book about how i thought my life would go...it would have never never never included anything about someone missing or murder or court or victim impact letters. NEVER.
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Post by chelle28 on Sept 23, 2013 12:48:14 GMT -5
i feel like there is very little to hope for in this situation. if he dies at some point he dies with the truth. i believe once you have killed someone's hope - you have killed their spirit and they might as well be dead. i always have hope. i only hope now that one day i will wake up and feel okay. my cousin's eyes are lifeless. no spunk, no personality, forced coversations, sounds very tired with her words and like she really doesnt care. i dont blame her. everyone has failed her. she lives for her children. thats it. she needs to live for herself to ever be happy....but she died inside. when he murdered my aunt he didnt just kill her body he murdered our spirits as well. will we ever get ourselves back?
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Sept 24, 2013 9:52:11 GMT -5
Yes you are so right, it is so hard. I can't say that it made me feel better to do the victim impact testimony and statement, but it did make me feel like I'd done all I was allowed to do, all I could do. And I remember feeling so angry thinking "why should I have to do this" too. Isn't the fact that they took someone's whole life enough to tell you they are one of the worst and most dangerous people on this earth? Duh! How can they be so immeasurably stupid not to see that? :-(
I think writing and reading and testifying victim impact was some of the hardest grieving I ever did. I could barely walk out to the car after the end of every day in court, and would just go home and mostly sit on the couch and stare. It does take everything we have to try to do all we can to ensure that at least these known monsters might never hurt anyone else like this. And you are right, too much seems stacked in their favor, especially while we are trying to protect the true memories of our loved ones.
Bless your heart, I don't know if I've ever read anything that expressed all this so truly as your posts here dear Chelle. I wish you never had any reason to have to write a victim impact statement too. But I'll bet the one you wrote was kick-ass, young lady. I am so glad you have found this place so you can vent. ((((((HUGS))))))) to you, and I wish they could be real ones. Much love, Janet
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Post by chelle28 on Sept 24, 2013 16:46:32 GMT -5
although i hate why we are both here....it feels so good to know someone else understands.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Sept 25, 2013 10:02:06 GMT -5
i feel like there is very little to hope for in this situation. if he dies at some point he dies with the truth. i believe once you have killed someone's hope - you have killed their spirit and they might as well be dead. i always have hope. i only hope now that one day i will wake up and feel okay. my cousin's eyes are lifeless. no spunk, no personality, forced coversations, sounds very tired with her words and like she really doesnt care. i dont blame her. everyone has failed her. she lives for her children. thats it. she needs to live for herself to ever be happy....but she died inside. when he murdered my aunt he didnt just kill her body he murdered our spirits as well. will we ever get ourselves back? Dear chelle28, I'm very sorry about your aunt. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. Please know it's possible to recover to a degree. It takes work but it's all worth it. I've yet to run into an MVS who says they're 100% healed. I'm one of these. However, through recovery work my life has gotten steadily better. Of course I think of my murdered family members every day. I miss them every day. I also have what I call "bad days" where I think the worst of everything and everyone. However, the "bad days" keep going down in number over time. So it's possible to have yourself back but please know recovery work is a commitment. Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Sept 25, 2013 10:03:53 GMT -5
although i hate why we are both here....it feels so good to know someone else understands. Yes, those who have been through the same tragedy have the most understanding of it. I'm so thankful for this board!
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Post by chelle28 on Oct 27, 2013 19:39:34 GMT -5
well last monday was court for the sentecing. it was hell. PURE HELL. i think i hit a point of pure "mania" & lost my mind for about 10 seconds. he got 7 yrs. judge went on his confession which was proven a lie. judge ignored the autopsy report & judge did not rule on what he did AFTER (throwing her nude body into a bayou for 3 months ). im a little better now. this last week was pure HELL. we had a neutral person read the impact letter so that way no one would cry in front of him. the judge didnt even respect the letter & immediatley started drilling the reader on my aunt's history fo course adding in - "she's not the on trial BUT...."
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Post by chelle28 on Oct 27, 2013 19:44:59 GMT -5
oh and he only has to serve 85% of that 7 years and has already served 3 and half. so about 2 more years & out for his next victim!
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 28, 2013 16:02:55 GMT -5
well last monday was court for the sentecing. it was hell. PURE HELL. i think i hit a point of pure "mania" & lost my mind for about 10 seconds. he got 7 yrs. judge went on his confession which was proven a lie. judge ignored the autopsy report & judge did not rule on what he did AFTER (throwing her nude body into a bayou for 3 months ). im a little better now. this last week was pure HELL. we had a neutral person read the impact letter so that way no one would cry in front of him. the judge didnt even respect the letter & immediatley started drilling the reader on my aunt's history fo course adding in - "she's not the on trial BUT...." I am glad he is still in jail, but I sure do wish it were the sentence he deserves, that would be the rest of his life. I am so sorry they made this so horrible on all of you, Chelle
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