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Post by nikkissis on Oct 19, 2013 5:40:08 GMT -5
I woke up from another nightmare. It is Saturday morning and I should be snuggled up to my husband. Instead, I am crying my eyes out. I can't stand to think of her out there in that barrel. I talked with the detective yesterday and he said that cadaver dogs cannot smell skeletal remains. I asked him I they would go back to the house and look for evidence. I am not sure they will. My hometown was ravished by a huge tornado this past spring. It happened the day before my sibling told me the truth about what happened that day. 11 years old. Forced to say goodbye to our sister. Brought to her room by that coward. There she was.. Posed. No life. Just dead. Then forced to pack her things. Why!!!! I am so angry!!! Why does that coward get to have life? Why? Why do either of my parents get to be here?! I can't stand breathing the same air as them. I want her out of the cold. I want her out of that barrel.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 20, 2013 14:18:40 GMT -5
The nightmares are so very hard. It's so hard to think of what it must have been like for her, but if I am awake, I can try to pull back out of the depth of that thought. In a nightmare, we're trapped in what it shows us until we wake up. :-( It's so tough to find ways to relax after the horror, but when I could relax even a bit it would help me to calm down, at least some. Relaxation breathing (that my therapist taught me), and/or reading something else to force my mind to think on that, if I can.
They don't deserve anything but a fair trial, and the harshest sentence possible under the law. I don't believe we can ever really give them what they truly deserve, or we would probably be a lot like them. But proven brutal vicious murderers should receive the harshest penalties our justice system provides. Just my opinion.
I asked "why" for many years, and it was not until after trial that I was able to realize that the only ones who ever knew for sure were the murderers, and who could believe anything a murderer would say anyway? so far, that has stayed the same for me. But this "aftermath of murder" that we live with changes all the time.
After these revelations of what happened to your sister, I am guessing that you have many triggers taking you back to the beginnings of trying to deal with it, in many ways. Revelations in our case and the trials always put me "back at the beginning" in some ways. Please be kind to yourself. I am glad you are not alone this time, and that your husband will be there with you through the things to come.
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Post by nikkissis on Oct 21, 2013 22:51:19 GMT -5
The nightmares are so very hard. It's so hard to think of what it must have been like for her, but if I am awake, I can try to pull back out of the depth of that thought. In a nightmare, we're trapped in what it shows us until we wake up. :-( It's so tough to find ways to relax after the horror, but when I could relax even a bit it would help me to calm down, at least some. Relaxation breathing (that my therapist taught me), and/or reading something else to force my mind to think on that, if I can. They don't deserve anything but a fair trial, and the harshest sentence possible under the law. I don't believe we can ever really give them what they truly deserve, or we would probably be a lot like them. But proven brutal vicious murderers should receive the harshest penalties our justice system provides. Just my opinion. I asked "why" for many years, and it was not until after trial that I was able to realize that the only ones who ever knew for sure were the murderers, and who could believe anything a murderer would say anyway? so far, that has stayed the same for me. But this "aftermath of murder" that we live with changes all the time. After these revelations of what happened to your sister, I am guessing that you have many triggers taking you back to the beginnings of trying to deal with it, in many ways. Revelations in our case and the trials always put me "back at the beginning" in some ways. Please be kind to yourself. I am glad you are not alone this time, and that your husband will be there with you through the things to come.
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Post by nikkissis on Oct 21, 2013 23:30:48 GMT -5
I hate the nightmares. I feel like when they are bad and coming nights in a row, I talk about it a lot more. I wish I wouldn't. I try to stop myself but the words come out of my mouth like vomit. It hurts everyone around me because they don't know what to say or do. I feel like I have to talk about her or else she never existed. I feel like I must look for her or else I will be betraying her. I wish I wasn't such a black cloud to people..I have had such a wonderful adult life. I have an amazing husband who is just a rock on top of all the other incredible things about him. When we met, he had two little girls. I had a 3 month old baby girl too He was raising them alone. The girls were 4 and 2. I was fortunate to raise the 3 girls together. My middle child has severe autism. I think some of my past helped me to raise her, as people with autism can be quite violent. I believe that is taking bad and using it for good.. I am trying so hard to be present in today. it is so hard when my mind locks me into that place. That is an area I want to work on...you are right, it does feel like I am right back to those first days. When all that happened, it was like everything was dark. i was so confused... life was like stumbling through the dark. Now the light is on...as much as it hurts and as ugly as all of this is, I am so glad it is exposed. My girls and my husband are my sunshine! As are you Janet. Thank you for taking your time to respond to me. I have been thinking of you and your lovely family. I hope they know what a blessing they have in you. I would love to know about the breathing techniques your therapist taught you, if you have time that is. I think they might be helpful! Thank you again so very much.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 23, 2013 18:12:01 GMT -5
I hate the nightmares. I feel like when they are bad and coming nights in a row, I talk about it a lot more. I wish I wouldn't. I try to stop myself but the words come out of my mouth like vomit. It hurts everyone around me because they don't know what to say or do. I feel like I have to talk about her or else she never existed. I feel like I must look for her or else I will be betraying her. I wish I wasn't such a black cloud to people..I have had such a wonderful adult life. I have an amazing husband who is just a rock on top of all the other incredible things about him. When we met, he had two little girls. I had a 3 month old baby girl too He was raising them alone. The girls were 4 and 2. I was fortunate to raise the 3 girls together. My middle child has severe autism. I think some of my past helped me to raise her, as people with autism can be quite violent. I believe that is taking bad and using it for good.. I am trying so hard to be present in today. it is so hard when my mind locks me into that place. That is an area I want to work on...you are right, it does feel like I am right back to those first days. When all that happened, it was like everything was dark. i was so confused... life was like stumbling through the dark. Now the light is on...as much as it hurts and as ugly as all of this is, I am so glad it is exposed. My girls and my husband are my sunshine! As are you Janet. Thank you for taking your time to respond to me. I have been thinking of you and your lovely family. I hope they know what a blessing they have in you. I would love to know about the breathing techniques your therapist taught you, if you have time that is. I think they might be helpful! Thank you again so very much. Oh it is a blessing for me to see I am not alone too, even after all these years. I used to say that telling someone about her murder felt like putting something that was evil into their lives too. That feeling still leads me to talk all around it at times, to keep from having to tell people. But still sometimes I cannot help but talk about it still. I think I have to talk about it or I would eventually just explode. One time a newspaper reporter asked me what I thought would be the most important advice I could give a person who had a loved one murdered. I told her they must find someone they could trust enough to say however they were feeling, without being judged - someone who could really really listen without judging, because there would be so many feelings to learn to live with, feelings we never knew we could have, feelings that never should have been forced on us by the murderers. She didn't seem very impressed with that answer, and I don't think she even put it in her article. But we don't do this for newspaper reporters, we do it for each other. The breathing: Choose a quiet room with a comfortable temperature. Sit in a comfortable chair with your arms on the arms of the chair and your feet on the floor. Close your eyes. Breathe in and out slowly and deeply all the time you are doing these things. Start with your hands, consciously relax them until they are limp, then after a few seconds purposely cause your forearms to go limp, then your upper arms, (keep up the slow breathing, in and out, throughout this process), then your shoulders, neck, chest, hips, upper legs, calves, feet, progress section by section until you are limp all over. Keep up the slow breathing in and out and stay like that as long as you can. It gets easier to accomplish the more you practice it. When I used to have the racing thoughts that would not stop, this would help me to break that cycle sometimes. I hope all this makes sense. I went to a dentist with a scalpel today, and am very glad of the pain meds at the moment. I have heard that there are medications that can help with night terrors. I never had them, but some others that have posted here have said that they were a help. You have so many depending on you, I've no doubt it would help you to be able to get some good sleep too. Thinking of you, Janet
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 24, 2013 9:51:12 GMT -5
I hate the nightmares. I feel like when they are bad and coming nights in a row, I talk about it a lot more. I wish I wouldn't. I try to stop myself but the words come out of my mouth like vomit. It hurts everyone around me because they don't know what to say or do. I feel like I have to talk about her or else she never existed. I feel like I must look for her or else I will be betraying her. I wish I wasn't such a black cloud to people..I have had such a wonderful adult life. I have an amazing husband who is just a rock on top of all the other incredible things about him. When we met, he had two little girls. I had a 3 month old baby girl too He was raising them alone. The girls were 4 and 2. I was fortunate to raise the 3 girls together. My middle child has severe autism. I think some of my past helped me to raise her, as people with autism can be quite violent. I believe that is taking bad and using it for good.. I am trying so hard to be present in today. it is so hard when my mind locks me into that place. That is an area I want to work on...you are right, it does feel like I am right back to those first days. When all that happened, it was like everything was dark. i was so confused... life was like stumbling through the dark. Now the light is on...as much as it hurts and as ugly as all of this is, I am so glad it is exposed. My girls and my husband are my sunshine! As are you Janet. Thank you for taking your time to respond to me. I have been thinking of you and your lovely family. I hope they know what a blessing they have in you. I would love to know about the breathing techniques your therapist taught you, if you have time that is. I think they might be helpful! Thank you again so very much. Oh it is a blessing for me to see I am not alone too, even after all these years. I used to say that telling someone about her murder felt like putting something that was evil into their lives too. That feeling still leads me to talk all around it at times, to keep from having to tell people. But still sometimes I cannot help but talk about it still. I think I have to talk about it or I would eventually just explode. One time a newspaper reporter asked me what I thought would be the most important advice I could give a person who had a loved one murdered. I told her they must find someone they could trust enough to say however they were feeling, without being judged - someone who could really really listen without judging, because there would be so many feelings to learn to live with, feelings we never knew we could have, feelings that never should have been forced on us by the murderers. She didn't seem very impressed with that answer, and I don't think she even put it in her article. But we don't do this for newspaper reporters, we do it for each other. The breathing: Choose a quiet room with a comfortable temperature. Sit in a comfortable chair with your arms on the arms of the chair and your feet on the floor. Close your eyes. Breathe in and out slowly and deeply all the time you are doing these things. Start with your hands, consciously relax them until they are limp, then after a few seconds purposely cause your forearms to go limp, then your upper arms, (keep up the slow breathing, in and out, throughout this process), then your shoulders, neck, chest, hips, upper legs, calves, feet, progress section by section until you are limp all over. Keep up the slow breathing in and out and stay like that as long as you can. It gets easier to accomplish the more you practice it. When I used to have the racing thoughts that would not stop, this would help me to break that cycle sometimes. I hope all this makes sense. I went to a dentist with a scalpel today, and am very glad of the pain meds at the moment. I have heard that there are medications that can help with night terrors. I never had them, but some others that have posted here have said that they were a help. You have so many depending on you, I've no doubt it would help you to be able to get some good sleep too. Thinking of you, Janet I've had nightmares related to the murders in my family since they happened. I'm having them less over time and am very thankful. Medication is a big part of this. I was put on Zoloft not long after I was diagnosed with PTSD. It sped up my recovery and am thankful. I was in counseling during this time also. So both things literally saved my life. I'm on Zoloft now for panic disorder and it's been a great help for it. I wanted to say all this to show that medication CAN be a huge help for some with PTSD.
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Post by nikkissis on Oct 24, 2013 23:13:32 GMT -5
Janet, what you said to the reporter is right on! I am so sorry you ever had to have those feelings. I am sorry you ever had to be interviewed. I remember when I first went to the police at 15... I was scared. I had to talk to them, the OSBI, and one media source. I don't know how helpful I was. Every time we started talking about what happened, I would fall asleep. I fell asleep right on their desks. When A Current Affair came I slept behind the screen they set up. I think I was in shock. What you did was brave even if she didn't use it. What you said was true. More than anything I need understanding. I need not to be judged. I just want this black cloud hanging around me to pass. I do take medicine and was diagnosed PTSD and depression. I don't know if "depressed" is the correct term for how this all feels. Ugh. I really want to smile. I am going to check out this breathing thing ok? I am excited and I will let you know how it goes. I hope you have a good night and are staying warm it is freezing here! ((((hugs))) Ang
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Post by nikkissis on Oct 24, 2013 23:14:28 GMT -5
Oh it is a blessing for me to see I am not alone too, even after all these years. I used to say that telling someone about her murder felt like putting something that was evil into their lives too. That feeling still leads me to talk all around it at times, to keep from having to tell people. But still sometimes I cannot help but talk about it still. I think I have to talk about it or I would eventually just explode. One time a newspaper reporter asked me what I thought would be the most important advice I could give a person who had a loved one murdered. I told her they must find someone they could trust enough to say however they were feeling, without being judged - someone who could really really listen without judging, because there would be so many feelings to learn to live with, feelings we never knew we could have, feelings that never should have been forced on us by the murderers. She didn't seem very impressed with that answer, and I don't think she even put it in her article. But we don't do this for newspaper reporters, we do it for each other. The breathing: Choose a quiet room with a comfortable temperature. Sit in a comfortable chair with your arms on the arms of the chair and your feet on the floor. Close your eyes. Breathe in and out slowly and deeply all the time you are doing these things. Start with your hands, consciously relax them until they are limp, then after a few seconds purposely cause your forearms to go limp, then your upper arms, (keep up the slow breathing, in and out, throughout this process), then your shoulders, neck, chest, hips, upper legs, calves, feet, progress section by section until you are limp all over. Keep up the slow breathing in and out and stay like that as long as you can. It gets easier to accomplish the more you practice it. When I used to have the racing thoughts that would not stop, this would help me to break that cycle sometimes. I hope all this makes sense. I went to a dentist with a scalpel today, and am very glad of the pain meds at the moment. I have heard that there are medications that can help with night terrors. I never had them, but some others that have posted here have said that they were a help. You have so many depending on you, I've no doubt it would help you to be able to get some good sleep too. Thinking of you, Janet I've had nightmares related to the murders in my family since they happened. I'm having them less over time and am very thankful. Medication is a big part of this. I was put on Zoloft not long after I was diagnosed with PTSD. It sped up my recovery and am thankful. I was in counseling during this time also. So both things literally saved my life. I'm on Zoloft now for panic disorder and it's been a great help for it. I wanted to say all this to show that medication CAN be a huge help for some with PTSD.
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Post by nikkissis on Oct 24, 2013 23:26:15 GMT -5
Hi Pumpkin, I am trying so hard how to figure out this posting stuff. I think I am doing it wrong. I have taken different things but currently I am taking Wellbutrin. I don't think it is helping. I have a card for a new therapist. I am working myself up to it. I went to a therapist who left my file out one night. Their cleaning lady was an acquaintance of mine. One evening we were visiting with friends and she told me that she read my file..!!!!! She said how messed up she thought it all was. So that is why I am a little leery. I am so sorry that you have bad dreams too. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I am so glad the medicine is helping you sleep! Good rest is always nice. I do have a lot of bad dreams but I have had a couple of really good ones. I always see her, she always smiles so big at me but we don't speak. I wish you good dreams and sweet sleep
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