am27r
First-time poster
Posts: 1
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15 Days
Nov 25, 2013 20:01:12 GMT -5
Post by am27r on Nov 25, 2013 20:01:12 GMT -5
It had been 15 days since my husband was murdered. It has been 15 days since we've had to live without him. My emotions are all messed up. I do not know how I feel, I do not know what I think. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel as if when they took my husband's life, they took mine away as well. Then I remember we have a daughter whom I have to be strong for, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I just can't find the courage to get up and do stuff with her. Take her out to the park, play with her, I haven't even bathed her since we buried her dad. My mother has been doing all of that stuff for me. I feel so disgusting but I can't even shower myself. I can't cry, I haven't been able to cry. Then I feel scared, scared that my husband is looking down on me thinking I don't truly love him. Thinking that his death doesn't hurt me, but it does.
I don't know how to deal with this.
I keep picturing him leaving me, I guess because it's easier. It's easier for me to think that he just left me and is happy with someone else. He was so full of life. How can someone just take that away from him?
We had so many plans. How can someone just rob us of them?
I feel so lost without him. I was so dependent on him and it's not a bad thing. Every single time something bad happened or I needed a shoulder to cry on, he was the only person that I needed to make me feel better. Just hearing his voice would make me feel instantly better. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, trying to feel better. Hoping that my husband truly is somewhere looking at me. Hoping one day I'll get to talk to him.
I know I sound selfish because he should be resting in peace and I should be letting him but it's just so hard. How in the world do I let go of him? Everyone keeps saying time will make things easier, but it just making it harder. Harder because every day I wake up I wake up to the sad reality that he really isn't here and I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to feel his touch again and I'm never going to see his beautiful face again.
When he was here, he used to always talk about his sister that passed away. How he wanted to see her again so bad, how he wanted to be able to talk to her, hug her and kiss her cheeks again. I never really understood what he meant but I do now, because that's how I feel about him.
God!! Why? We were so young, we had so many plans. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Why would someone take that away from us?
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15 Days
Nov 26, 2013 7:51:12 GMT -5
Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Nov 26, 2013 7:51:12 GMT -5
It had been 15 days since my husband was murdered. It has been 15 days since we've had to live without him. My emotions are all messed up. I do not know how I feel, I do not know what I think. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel as if when they took my husband's life, they took mine away as well. Then I remember we have a daughter whom I have to be strong for, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I just can't find the courage to get up and do stuff with her. Take her out to the park, play with her, I haven't even bathed her since we buried her dad. My mother has been doing all of that stuff for me. I feel so disgusting but I can't even shower myself. I can't cry, I haven't been able to cry. Then I feel scared, scared that my husband is looking down on me thinking I don't truly love him. Thinking that his death doesn't hurt me, but it does. I don't know how to deal with this. I keep picturing him leaving me, I guess because it's easier. It's easier for me to think that he just left me and is happy with someone else. He was so full of life. How can someone just take that away from him? We had so many plans. How can someone just rob us of them? I feel so lost without him. I was so dependent on him and it's not a bad thing. Every single time something bad happened or I needed a shoulder to cry on, he was the only person that I needed to make me feel better. Just hearing his voice would make me feel instantly better. I've been watching Ghost Whisperer, trying to feel better. Hoping that my husband truly is somewhere looking at me. Hoping one day I'll get to talk to him. I know I sound selfish because he should be resting in peace and I should be letting him but it's just so hard. How in the world do I let go of him? Everyone keeps saying time will make things easier, but it just making it harder. Harder because every day I wake up I wake up to the sad reality that he really isn't here and I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to feel his touch again and I'm never going to see his beautiful face again. When he was here, he used to always talk about his sister that passed away. How he wanted to see her again so bad, how he wanted to be able to talk to her, hug her and kiss her cheeks again. I never really understood what he meant but I do now, because that's how I feel about him. God!! Why? We were so young, we had so many plans. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Why would someone take that away from us? Hello am27r, Again, I am so sorry your husband was taken from you, and that you have reason to be here. I wish none of us did. But I'm glad we have a place to talk to others who have walked this terrible path; I know that helped me. This is so recent, I can only imagine that you are still in shock. The murder of our loved ones is not anything we could have ever been prepared for. There is no school or class to teach us how to handle the feelings after something so evil it never should have happened anyway, regardless of "why" (if there even is a why). In the early weeks, I was in what I called "my fog". I don't think this means we are crazy. I believe this is our brains protecting us from the magnitude of the horror that has been inflicted - it's more than any person should have to process, and can take time to be able to come to terms with it in any way at all. Most of us know what grief is from early in life, but fortunately for most people they will not know what homicide bereavement is like. It is very different from any I experienced before. This short statement at the POMC website is a beginning to learning to understand what is happening to us: www.pomc.com/grief.htmlI too was lost in a fog of depression, anxiety, rage and fear at first. I walked through that with the help of loved ones (I'm so glad your Mom is there for you), therapists, support groups, and most of all friends who could listen without judging. Some things I did in finding my way back to life after my daughter's murder: grief therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, support groups (Bereaved Parents and POMC), journaling, exercise/walking as natural anti-depressant (did help a bit), anti-depressant medication - these are a few things that helped me. But first and foremost right now, it is time to be gentle with yourself. This is no one's fault but the murderers', and you don't have to make any huge changes or decisions right away. Give yourself time to cry, time to breathe. This is unexpected, unwarranted, and undeserved - and it's no surprise if it takes some time for you to adjust. Remember to eat, to stay hydrated, and to take care of you. Janet
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Post by tamècasmom on Nov 26, 2013 13:24:27 GMT -5
Dear am27r,
I feel sad inside because you had a need to find this site. It is unfair that you have to be here. Life is not fair! If life was fair, this site would not be needed.
I believe finding this site will help you take baby steps to cope with the life the murderer gave you because he took your husband's life. Like a toddler, learning to walk for the first time, you will fall many times. By this I mean you will feel like you cannot go on. Try not to judge you when this happens. Allow your pain to have its way, so you can, at your own pace, get to a better place. Cry until you cannot cry anymore, and then cry again. If you want, scream at the top of your lungs, until they hurt. Ask why as many times as you need to and try to keep in mind there are no earthly answers for your ways. Ask anyways, if it makes you feel a little better. Do not judge you! You are not the murderer! Please try not to be hard on yourself. You are learning the new you. Unfortunately, the new you is not something you asked for, which is why your journey is painful and might feel like there is no end to the tremendous amount of pain you feel throughout your being.
Please drink water, if you cannot eat. Dehydration is one of things I know can happen, because of what you are going through.
You have been added to my prayer list. I am going to come here more often, so know this; someone will read your posts.
Tamèca's mom/Dawn
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