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Post by Karen on Oct 20, 2004 19:35:15 GMT -5
Hello my name is Karen Evans. I thought i would write this post to see if people would reply that are in similar situations... On June 17th of this year my mom was murdered by her husband , and then he killed himself. Now there is no one here with the answers that I feel is needed for closure .My mom and i was very close as was she to my six yr old son Alex. I feel alot of guilt because I feel i should have done more to get her out of that situation. Although I know there probably was little if anything i could have done, if I would have just tried harder maybe just maybe she would have listened. I feel guilty because my 12 yr old brother was the one who found the bodies. i feel guilty because I wasnt there with her. There is just so much guilt I cant hardly stand it. My mom was my best friend, my mother, and so much more. how will I ever get over this. I cant stop the thoughts from flooding my mind day and night of the fear she must have went through right before this happened. It has been 4 months and 4 days since I have spoken to my mother and it is the worst thing I have ever been through, and sometimes I wonder if i will make it through. Please respond with any stories or comments I could use some real friends right now more than ever.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 22, 2004 16:51:51 GMT -5
Dear Karen, I'm very sorry about your Mother. I've also had guilt over what happened in my family. I can tell you what's helped me with it: getting psychotherapy, prayer, and pastoral (church) counseling. I have to admit, if it were possible to go back in time, I would do more. My Mother murdered my Dad and Grandma. I finally confided in my psychologist something Mom said before she did it, and that I thought I didn't do enough. My doctor told me no, that I did the best I could do at that time. I had tried to get my Mother into treatment for her mental illness before it happened. She refused. I miss her every day and my Dad and Grandma. Please don't be hard on yourself. Just to keep your sanity after this is a major accomplishment. You may want to see also if there's a victim support group in your area, such as Parents of Murdered Children. You may find someone there with a similar case. I'm going to be doing a website specifically for those who have had a family member/friend murdered by another family member/friend. If you like I can send you the address once it's up. I'm very glad you found this board. Please let us know how you're doing and feel free to e-mail me. Take care-Laura
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Post by Karen on Oct 22, 2004 20:05:42 GMT -5
Dear pumpkin, Thank you so much for the reply. Yes I would like to get the name of the website when u get it up and going. I know I shouldnt be so hard on myself, but what hurts me so much is ,4 days before it happened I spent 5 hrs with her talking to her, and I knew she was down and sad. We talked that day about what she should do , and we came to the conclusion that she was going to take her prenump. to a lawyer the following week, and leave him it just didnt happen quick enough. Not only that ,but she woke up in feb. with a gun to her head, so she cried out to me for help, and I just feel I didnt do enough. I just cant live without her. She was my strength, my sight, my everything. I loved her so much, that i have actually had people tell me that they were jealous of the relationship I had with her. I get so mad sometimes, I even get so mad at her because she stayed. I know everyone says u have to be in the situation to know what it is like to live in fear, but maybe if people thought of the grief that is left here for the surviving family they would think harder about how to get out. I would have done anything to get her out of the situation, and i mean anything. I offered to move to the other side of the country with her for gods sake. Anyway I am just going on and on. I would love to chat sometime. My yahoo ID is fine2bme_2000 please message me sometime if u have yahoo. Thanks for lending a ear, Karen
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Post by de on Oct 28, 2004 23:45:59 GMT -5
Im sorry about your mother and don't really have anthing to say that could help other than to relay my story. My mother was murdered by my brother 2.5 years ago. Since that day the sadness which was all consuming is no longer, however it has never gone away. Some nights sleep is impossible, thinking of her, thinking of that day. Eventually I do fall asleep.
Guilt is a terrible thing. I felt it very much and still do at times, but I can't change the past. I share your last name Karen and wish you the best.
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Post by Jeni on Oct 30, 2004 20:21:28 GMT -5
Hi, I am so sorry that you lost your Mother and the way you did. I now how hard it is to lose someone who was killed by a family member. My youngest daughter Chris who is manic depressive and disabled from severe Fibromyalgia and was on 6 meds shot and killed her older sister Patti, shot her father and was aiming the gun at me when her father took the bullet for me. She had never been violent to any of us before this and it was a shock. Do not know what made her snap and do this. She was loved by everyone in the family and we helped when she asked for it. Will never understand it any more tham you can understand the why of your loss. I lost my Dad in 1977 at 65 years old suddenly and my mother in 93 from cancer. I still miss them both so much. Know I care, Jeni
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Post by karen on Oct 31, 2004 23:00:58 GMT -5
Thank u all so much for your replies. It really means alot to me to know that others do care for the hurt i feel everyday. I have had a bad week this week, i went to pick up the jewlery that my mom was wearing when she was murdered. So i needed to hear from people this week . Thanks again for reading my post.
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Post by jc on Oct 31, 2004 23:07:47 GMT -5
Dear Karen, I am so sorry about your mom. i too lost my mom. she was murdered by my nephew, a drug addict. guilt is a word i understand. my mom was 82 but full of life. she took up painting 10 ears ago when my dad passed away, she took classes 3 times a week with a group of women (mostly seniors and widows) in our local community center. she was a talented caring woman loved by so many. she, against our will, let her grandson stay with her for a few days. he was waiting for admittance to yet another rehab center. we are three, my oldest sister (my nephew's mom) and another younger one. my youngest sister and i had seen our mom the afternoon that he killed her...she was happy and thinking she was helping her only grandson. that night he murdered her, beating her with his hands. i thought these things happened to "others". not in my wildest dreams i imagined this possible, much less from him. now i run the tape over an over...what if this or that. i had asked her to ask him to leave. what if i had insisted? i had thought of calling the police (he had skipped parole for some minor thing), i thought if i did my mother would be so hurt. but what if i had? she'd be alive today. i go from guilt, to anger to grief. having a relative murdered makes the grieving so hard. with may father, i was the loss of not having him, this is so much more. the other day, i wen to an exhibit her teacher was having for her students and she wanted to also exhibit one of my mom's painting. i think it was something one of the lady's said ("maybe she should never stayed alone with him") and that night i kept having nightmares. i'd go to sleep and wakeup again. but other times i'm better, i amaze myself at how well i am doing. i try to stay busy. i try to think of the bright side. she had a long happy life...i have a friend who's little girl had brain cancer at 4 and just recently (4 years later), it came back. so much of life is pain. we have to hold on to others, and learn to live with this pain that i'm sure wont go away, ever. my mom died august 29 this year. i'm sorry i've gone all over the place. i go to therapy at a special place that the district attorney's office recommended. we are in florida and the d. a. has a special program for victims' families. i've been dealing a lot with my guilt and anger. i think it's human nature to think we could have done it better or different. maybe we could, but life doesn't play in reverse. the vantage point we have now only hurts because we want to fix it. i have a yahoo address if you want to write; jcumf@yahoo.com. i wish you peace in your heart and hope that you can find some way of forgiving yourself. i pray for that for me as well. best to you, j
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 5, 2004 18:23:58 GMT -5
Dear Karen, sorry it's taken me a little white to reply. I've had cold or flu the past few weeks so haven't been online as much. I'll be glad to send you the name of the website once I get it up and running. I understand your anger. You help all you can and it ends up in this tragedy. I struggle so much with why these things happen in our families. The 1st question I have for God after I die is why did it happen in my family? I think you did a lot for your Mom and that was wonderful. I miss my Mom so much, too. She had manic-depression and there weren't a lot of times she was rational, but during those times she could be great. When I go to the theatre, I still look next to me hoping to see her. 1 thing we shared was a huge love of movies. When I was in high school we'd go just about every weekend. I told my psychologist yesterday that I wish so bad there was time travel, then we could go back and try even harder to change things. She agreed that it would be nice. I just put Yahoo messenger on my computer so would love to chat also. My screen name is pumpkin_d_cat. I'm usually online in the early evenings and on and off during the weekend. Talk to you soon and take care-Laura
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