Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 14, 2004 17:01:28 GMT -5
I really need to write this post. I'm fed up, as the title says! This week was the birthday of my Grandma who was murdered in 1990. She would have been 98. Every time there's an anniversary, birthday, holiday, it's very hard and the memories come back. There are a lot of good memories, and then the bad 1's of the time of the tragedy. I feel a lot more down on these days overall, but also have happy thinking of the good memories. But the sadness is the predominant feeling. I confided in a friend who asked why I was quiet that day and I told her why. I then hear that "you're letting this make you sad", "I don't feel you've really opened your heart to God", etc., etc., etc.! I felt so furious and hurt. She did admit she hasn't been through this at least. I felt like screaming, NO YOU HAVEN'T! But I kept control, although it was a challenge. I pointed out that I never lost my sanity through all this, and that the 2 psychologists I've seen had remarked on that and 1 of them said she didn't know HOW I was sane! Also that I went to therapy for years, support groups, had counseling from the pastor at my last church, was on the internet doing posts to others, have done some writing about it all, and haven't had a drink in over 5 years. I pointed out that I could have just sat there and done NOTHING, but give in to the bitterness and self-pity forever, and drank myself to death. None of this was acknowledged, just my "shortcomings" in my recovery. How in the WORLD does another person know that when I've prayed over and over about all this that "you haven't given your heart over fully to God?" Are humans now omniscient (hope I spelled that right) like God? News to me! No one knows for sure what's between God and I except GOD AND I! The only thing you'd know for sure is what I told you, or God Himself told you and I didn't know! Nothing like that was mentioned in this case. If this sounds self-pitying, please bear with me. I'm just disgusted and hurt and tired. I felt like saying what shape would YOU be in if you're 24 years old and you already have low self-esteem and problems due to abuse and your Mom kills your Dad and your Grandma, in the apartment you're living in with your Mom and Dad? And you lose your job right after? And you have to move because staying there is unthinkable? And your family is suffering and hurt while dealing with your Mom going through mental competency hearings, etc., etc.? How can people judge our recovery based on what they've never been through? At least the psychologists I know don't do this, and they're experts in human behavior. They don't presume to judge you this harshly or unfairly. I felt like screaming what I haven't done enough to get better? Is there still work YOU THINK I need to do? I have to admit I let what people say get to me, and have worked on making that better. It has gotten better, but I think when it comes to this issue there's not much we SHOULD HAVE TO put up with. I told this person that when people go through this they're never fully the same or fully recovered. Just the fact that post-traumatic stress syndrome is a CHRONIC problem is proof of that. I'm surprised that I didn't hear "aren't you over that problem fully yet?" I'm writing this here as I feel I can and not be judged again, or told I haven't done this or that, etc. And I know the understanding and caring is on this board, the acceptance of us at whatever stage we're at after our tragedies. Any feedback on this would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.