|
Post by joanwakefield on Jul 3, 2005 23:55:24 GMT -5
This happened just over three weeks ago. and I was the the first to get to his body. I'll see him that way until the day I die.
The defense atty's are saying she is incompetant to stand trial, that she is "suffering from alzheimers and dementia".But she told me just nine days before she did it hat she " wanted him dead" because she wanted to go back to the nursing home, where they didn't force her to do physical rehab.l
I need as much help as I can get, but this is as much as I can write tonight.
J
|
|
|
Post by mattsma on Jul 4, 2005 9:45:17 GMT -5
Hello Joan, Oh my goodness, you sure have alot to deal with. I am so sorry you have this to go through this, but I do say welcome to the board. You will find alot of support here, if you need it. Three weeks,.... you are still in the very early stages of this journey. Your emotions will off the charts for awhile. Just take things one day at a time. I hope you find comfort here. b-safe deb
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Jul 4, 2005 9:58:52 GMT -5
Dear JoanWakefield, I'm so sorry about your Dad. My Mother also killed my Dad. From what we know now, she did have a mental illness (manic depression) that she refused to treat and there was also unresolved abuse between her and my Grandma, who she also killed. She was also treated incompetently by her last medical doctor and that was a contributor to her already disturbed mental state. She was found mentally incompetent to be tried and died 7 years later in the mental hospital she was committed to. I know the pain you're feeling. As far as help goes, there hopefully is a Parents of Murdered Children meeting by you. There's a link to them on this site. I went to meetings a few months after it happened and it was a great help. Talking to understanding friends and others who are survivors of murder victims, such as on this board, can also help. Vicitms' Assistance can also offer help with counseling costs, etc. Hopefully the city where you live has an office. You can probably get this info from the attorneys on the case or the police/detectives involved. In my case I found out about it through a relative. This board can also help, the people here are very caring and have been through this. You can feel free to express anything here. Going to a psychologist also helped me. I feel it saved my mind. Getting couseling at church also helped, as it addressed the spiritual aspects of this whole thing that psychology didn't address, as that body of knowledge isn't geared to that in some cases. If you don't mind my asking, have you told the defense attorneys or the prosecutors about the remarks your Mother made? In my Mom's case, she made a remark to me a few weeks before it happened that she'd dreamed that she killed Grandma, and that she had thought about it, but she never said outright she was going to do anything. This had an impact on our case as far as showing her state of mind, which in the few years before she did it, was getting more and more irrational and she was getting more abusive also. I begged her to get help and she wouldn't. If you ever need to talk please feel free to e-mail me, my address is on my profile. I hope this board will help you and I'm very glad you found it. Please let us know how you are and what's going on with the case and everything. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Jul 4, 2005 13:59:24 GMT -5
Thank you for replying so quickly, it helps to know that other people understand.
I have been in touch with Victim Witness. In fact, two volunteers came to my house the night it happened. It took way too long to get an appointment with a councelor, and two of the ones I called haven't even returned my call. I went to see another doctor on a different matter though, and he was able to get an appointment for me the same day. So I am getting help.
My parents lived next door in a little house we put there for them. (We own four lots in a rural area of Arizona.) Every time I walk out my door I expect to see my dad. I know time will make it easier, but right now it's terrible.
Yes, I have told the detective what she said to me. I haven't spoken with the prosecutor yet, but I will. My husband is a criminal attorney, so while all of this is new to me (I've never even gotten a speeding ticket), I have expert guidance through the legal ordeal.
Thanks again for your help.
Joan
|
|
|
Post by wordup on Jul 12, 2005 1:49:38 GMT -5
Hello Joan I join Mattma saying welcome. and I too want you to know that I'm soooo sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and it is also sad to hear that it is your mom who did this, I can only imagine how this is making you feel.
All of us here are going through, and I do hope you can take comfort in what Pumpkin has said to you, for she is one of us that can relate to you, but we all feel your pain, because we all have lost someone that we love.
I'm glad to here that your husband is there to help you alone with the legal part of this nightmare, but just know, that if you feel you need outside help, go for it, many here have found it to be very helpful to get it, However there are those like myself that didn't, but I want you to know that the people on this board have became my family, they have helped me in ways that I don't think they even know. so I do hope you will come back, as you go through theSE trying times, we will be here for you, and our prayers are with you, take care of yourself. HERE'S A BIG HUG FOR YOU.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Jul 16, 2005 9:38:09 GMT -5
Dear Joan, I'm very glad your husband is a criminal attorney. This is a huge blessing, as you'll have someone very close to you to be able to help through this ordeal. I'm also glad you got an appointment with a counselor! I hope you feel comfortable with this person. I can tell you 1 of the most wonderful things about getting this kind of help is that I can say whatever I feel and no one objects to it, which is something we survivors really need! Please keep us updated on everything and I'm glad you found this board. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Jul 24, 2005 0:05:04 GMT -5
Well, we scattered my dad's ashes in his favorite fishing lake on his birthday (July 15). He would have been 77 years old, and if he had died a natural death we would have been sad, but we as it turned out, were all so angry that my mother took him away from us before we were ready to let him go.
It's still hard to come here and talk about this, so I hope you'll understand why I stay away. I did have a councelling session with a psychologist, and I decided after an hour that this was just not going to work for me. When I was thirty years old and dealing with an uncooperative husband she might have been able to help me, but I think I blew her mind away when I told her my story. I live in a small town.
Anyway, living in a small town has it's advantages. People here are very supportive, and I have learned that you need all the support you can get. Just when I think I can't take any more pain, there's someone who wants to give me a hug.
I've never been a religious person, but I feel blessed because of the people in my community, and I haven't even lived here very long.
|
|
|
Post by Charlene on Jul 24, 2005 7:55:21 GMT -5
Hi Joan. I am very sorry about the loss of your dad - you also lost your mom in many ways at the same time.
The great thing about this board is that it is here when you need it, but no one will look sideways at you if you don't post for awhile.
Counseling is such a crapshoot for MVS unless you are able to find a counselor that specializes in grief counseling, or somehow are lucky enough to have one that counsels violent crime victims in particular. This is difficult to find in a large city, much less a rural community. But it sounds like you have determined your own best support system, and it is great that there are so many caring people surrounding you.
|
|
|
Post by mattsma on Jul 24, 2005 8:47:57 GMT -5
Hello Joan, I am sorry that your session didn't work for you. It's not for everyone (me included), I needed to figure things out for myself. (I'm still working on that.) Don't worry about being "among the missing" for awhile. That just another thing that you need to do in your own time. Take things at your pace, and don't let others tell you its time toooo .............. whatever! I know your Father had a very Happy Birthday this year. Spreading his ashes at his favorite fishing spot, on his birthday, ...................such a nice gift for him. take care & (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) b-safe deb
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Jul 24, 2005 16:32:59 GMT -5
My 1st psychologist I literally found in the phone book listings. She doesn't specialize in grief, and isn't a murder survivor. However, she saved my mind and life. I saw her many years. She NEVER acted afraid of me or anything like that. My 2nd doctor I found through my employer and she doesn't specialize in these areas either. She's also been a tremendous help. To me it's important to try, to give therapy a chance if we feel a need for it. If I hadn't decided with the help of a family member that I should try therapy, I'm pretty convinced I might have drank myself to death, or kept gaining weight until it got to the point of debilitation. The more doctors out there that specialize in grief, the better. However, I also believe and know 1st hand it's possible to get benefit from those not specializing in this also. Thanks for listening.
|
|
|
Post by katie41160 on Aug 3, 2005 17:48:49 GMT -5
hello i just want to say i am very very sorry in the loss of your dad and the emotional pain you have to live with.. my prayers go out to you.. take care katie
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Aug 10, 2005 0:47:22 GMT -5
Although I don't visit here as often as I do other forums (I love birds and gardens), I really do appreciate your support. Sometimes it's just easier to pretend that this never happened.
Now the prosecutor is saying that he may have committed suicide. Sure, he held the pistol 18 inches from his chest, above his head, and pulled the trigger with his left thumb, aiming directly into his heart.
This is a man who was so determined that, as a child I would not be left handed, that he spent HOURS forcing me to use my right hand!
Sadly, the "system" doesn't make it any easier to get over the pain.
|
|
|
Post by mattsma on Aug 10, 2005 9:18:29 GMT -5
:(hi Joan I am so sorry to hear that things took a wrong turn with the justice department. You are very right when you say that the system doesn't make it easy for us to get through this. I know they have their job to do, but unfortunately for us, it makes our healing a lot harder.
I enjoy gardens & birds also. I live in the city, with a very small yard, but I try to add life to it with lots of color. Although the trees are few and far between, I do have house finches that just love to nest in the hanging flower baskets. I also have a pair of doves that have been around here for about 15 years now.
(((hugs to you)))) b-safe deb
|
|
|
Post by wordup on Aug 10, 2005 21:59:50 GMT -5
I SECOUND THAT, THE SYSTEM DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER, BUT YOU HANG IN THERE, MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU, TAKE CARE.
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Aug 11, 2005 0:21:26 GMT -5
Thank you, your understanding has helped a lot. Mattsma, I noticed that you live in Pennsylvania. I grew up in southeastern Pennsylvania, and lived there until 1995. My parents moved here (Arizona) just one year ago. They lived in the Philadephia area, then the suburbs, then the Pocono Mountain area for most of their lives.
I'm off to spend the weekend with my two grand daughters, who are having their first and third birthdays this month. Life goes on ...........
|
|
|
Post by wordup on Aug 11, 2005 21:07:04 GMT -5
Yes it does, Joan and I think you have chosen one of the best things to do by visiting your grands, for they bring so much joy, even in the mist of troubled times, I pray you have a pleasant visit, and do take care or yourself.
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Aug 15, 2005 0:26:09 GMT -5
Thank you. We tried very hard to have a good time. If we could post pictures here I would show you how silly I can be. My grandkids know me as "Grandma Birdie" , because I have a lot of pet birds, but just for the day, I was known as "The Fairy Grandmother" because my three year old grand daughter LOVES the princess and the pauper (whatever that is), and I was somehow thrown into the role of Fairy Grandmother. I wore two blond hair pieces, a gold tiara, and false eyelashes embedded with rhinestones. What a hoot. I hope her memories of her granmother will be happy ones.
|
|
|
Post by wordup on Aug 15, 2005 1:10:17 GMT -5
Hello:Joan Well it sounds like you did have a nice visit, I'm so happy to hear, see if you can post the pictures I would like to see them, I could see you in my mind, and I know those grands were happy that you came. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by mattsma on Aug 15, 2005 9:04:42 GMT -5
:)hi Joan, As I read your post I could feel your heart smiling. I am so glad you had a good time. That gave me a smile this morning. thanks for sharing b-safe deb
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Sept 27, 2006 22:47:35 GMT -5
Hello to Everyone.
You really are a caring group of people and I really want to thank you for your support and your concern. It's been a long time since I've visited here, over a year, but I haven't forgotten you.
My mother shot my Dad because she wanted to go back to the nursing home after her stroke, rather than do the physical therapy that he insisted on. She tried many ways to torment him, including telling him of the many affairs she had while he traveled around the world because of his job.
He was very proud of the fact that he never cheated on her, in spite of all the temptations, ( he was a very handsome man and women loved him because he also had a great personality).
Neither my sister or I wanted the responsibility of her care (she was partially paralyzed because of a stroke, and confined to a wheel chair) so she became a ward of the state. A battle over the estate followed and I was investigated by the attorney general for "looting the estate", even though I only opened an estate account so I could pay off his final expenses.
All of that was finally resolved and it turned out that the county fiduciary actually DID loot the estate, taking large sums of money out of my father's bank account . That has also been resolved and we are now communicating with each other without all the animosity. What a relief!
Last week my mother died. I am actually happy that she is gone. In the past year people who only read about the incident in the newspaper told me that they thought she must have shot him because he abused her. That couldn't have been farther from the truth, because SHE was the abuser.
Now I'm hearing that people , I guess those in the nursing home and those in charge of her finances, felt sorry for her. They thought she was a "sweet old lady who lost it and then was abandoned by her family". That couldn't be farther from the truth. She was a nasty witch, who threatened me and my children many times. Fortunately, my children are all adults, and none of us lived near her, so we didn't take her seriously. Sadly, we didn't take her seriously when she said she was going to shoot my father.
I'm perceived as the villain by her doctor and the nursing home where she died. My husband and I provided them with a rent-free home that we are still paying for.
I really don't want to sound as though I'm whining, but I really wish people would learn to look beyond the obvious. My mother did not shoot my father because he abused her. He adored her and gave her everything he could provide. She was the manipulator, and when she finally couldn't get him to give in to her she shot him.
I think I'll write a book.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Sept 28, 2006 5:45:27 GMT -5
Dear Joanwakefield, it's good to hear from you again. I understand completely the feelings you had when your Mom died. The biggest feeling I had when mine died was relief. It meant we'd never have to go to trial. Also the case was closed, as she'd confessed the day after she did it. So it was never a question of who had done it. I'm sorry these people aren't taking the time to look at the WHOLE story. It's infuriating, isn't it? Life isn't so simple. In an abuse situation, all needs to be looked at. My Mother abused my Dad and me with verbal and emotional abuse, much of which no one heard or knew about as it was done in the privacy of our home. Things can appear to be "good" on the surface. You have to look further and care to make the effort to find out the true story. This is the same mentality of hearing 1 sound bite about a murder case and "knowing" right then the true facts of the case. I HATE this mentality of not caring to know. It's 1 of the easy ways out people take in life. I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this mentality. I'm glad you have some closure now after your Mom died, too. Glad to see you back on here and take care.
|
|
|
Post by drewsmom595 on Sept 29, 2006 5:16:42 GMT -5
I have a similar story so I can really relate. My mentally ill brother shot and killed my father, and everyone assumed it was because they were fighting and my Dad was abusive to him. Nothing could be further from the truth. At my Dad's trial for his murder, I ended up speaking with a reporter and telling her the truth, and a huge story was written in the local paper. It was very freeing to tell the truth and defend my Dad. My advice is even if you don't contact your own local newspaper, I would tell the truth as far and wide as possible. You owe it to your Dad to defend his honor.
|
|
|
Post by wordup on Sept 29, 2006 20:53:54 GMT -5
Oh Joan: It is like I don't know really what to say, but I thought I should say something, first I'm glad to see you back and that you have had a chance to resolve some of those issues. I'm sorry for what you have had to go through with concerning the talk and so forth. Thinking about a book? maybe you should write one. Hope to see you here again soon, take care.
|
|
|
Post by joanwakefield on Oct 5, 2006 23:05:08 GMT -5
It's not easy for me to come here... I hope you understand... I would really like to forget that all this happened.
Believe me, I have told everyone who stands still long enough, that my Dad did not deserve this. So many people think that I'm an ogre because I hate my mother. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Oh, but sheee's youur motthher", implying that I should love and forgive her for all sins, no matter what the circumstances.
The problem is that even people who knew her for forty years didn't know how she beat me up , physically, emotionally, and mentally. She couldn't physically control my father but she certainly manipulated him. She tricked him into a marriage when she was sixteen so she could get out of her own abusive situation.
|
|
|
Post by wordup on Oct 6, 2006 0:51:44 GMT -5
That is so sad, did you ever have to seek help after you left home or did you just deal with it all in your own way? I can say this, nobody knows like you know what went on, and I don't think you should ever beat yourself up nor try to make anyone understand why you feel the way you do. Just reading your post I can only imagine what you must have gone through, I just wish you well as you try to move to the next level of your life. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 6, 2006 10:07:54 GMT -5
Dear Joanwakefield, it's tragic but true how the cycle of abuse keeps going. It was the same in my family. My Mother used to tell my Dad "I only married you to get out of the house". My Mom didn't abuse physically but verbally and emotionally. You're right how people have no idea what really goes on in the home. I've had the opposite reaction than you have where I've gotten a lot of grief for forgiving Mom for what she did. I got that no matter how many times I said that forgiveness is an INDIVIDUAL CHOICE. It took MANY years and a lot of counseling for me to get to that stage. So I find it interesting you've had the opposite reaction. I think either reaction is upsetting to use who have been through it. Take care.
|
|