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Post by drewsmom595 on Jul 16, 2005 3:57:12 GMT -5
Hi. This is my first post. About a year ago, my mentally ill twin brother shot and killed my father. There was so reason for the shooting, except that my brother is paranoid schizophrenic and believed (wrongly) that my Dad was persecuting him. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Since then, I have basically been living a nightmare. It's still so hard to believe that this has happened. I was extremely close to my father, and I miss him dearly. He was one of my best friends and the loss has been so profound that words cannot describe how devastated I feel. What's so complicated is that I have been grieving for the loss of my father, but I also am grieving for my brother as well. It's strange because it seems abnormal to not hate the man who killed my father -- but I can't hate my twin brother. I hate what he did, but I can't hate him. I have so many mixed emotions swirling inside of me. I think it would have been "easier" if some stranger had killed my Dad because then it would be easier to hate the killer and focus all my energies into seeing that he was locked up for the rest of his life, with no thought about how the killer would be treated in jail. What's so hard is my Dad's family (my aunts and uncles) don't understand how sick my brother truly is, and they are out for vengence. In addition, I have to witness my brother's physical and emotional deterioration in jail while he's awaiting trial. He's really a shell of his former self and is receiving no mental health care.
My question is this: Is there anyone else out there who is grieving for the one who is killed as well as the killer? How do you deal with such mixed emotions?
Thank you for listening. It feels good to get this off my chest.
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Post by mattsma on Jul 16, 2005 8:47:20 GMT -5
Hello drews, I want to welcome you to the board, and offer an open ear when you need to vent. I am sorry you have found your way here, but I know that everyone here will welcome you with open arms. I can't relate to your struggle with grieving for both your father and your brother. There are others on the board who can offer you support in that area. I can tell you that the emotional ups and downs, are part of the new norm. b-safe deb
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jul 16, 2005 10:02:27 GMT -5
Dear Drewsmom595, I'm so sorry about your Father. I can identify with you a lot because my Mother killed my Dad and Grandma in 1990. I still love her and always will. Of course there were times that I wished she would die, but at the same time I never wanted her to be executed by the state. Our case was a death penalty case, and the only thing that changed that was we had a liberal judge at the arraignment. My Mother had no violent criminal record is 1 reason I think the judge changed the status of the case. My family didn't intercede in any way to make this change, but like I said above I never wanted to see her executed by the state, but as a family we were prepared to deal with this if it came down to that. My Mom had manic depression that she refused to treat and it turned into psychosis. She did have short periods of being in her right mind, but as she aged those got less and less. It may seem strange to some, but even though I always loved her and still do, I never wanted to have a relationship with her in person again. I did write her sometimes and called a few times but she'd always hang up on me. She was very guilt-stricken in her behavior towards me. She never acknowledged verbally her remorse, which will always trouble me, but she did by her actions and her expressions and speech. I can understand completely that you love your brother. I miss my Mom every day. During the times she was in her right mind she could be wonderful. She was found mentally incompetent to be tried and died 7 years later in the state mental hospital. She only regained competence once and when she heard she'd be sent back to the court for trial she regressed again. I'm convinced 1 reason she regressed was her own guilt and knowing what she'd have to face being held accountable at trial. She was devastated by what she did the rest of her life as every treatment they tried didn't help her get any better after that 1 time she passed the competency test. If you don't mind my asking, has your brother been tested for competency yet? I know schizophrenia is a very real and devastating illness that needs constant care. I'm hoping that your brother will get the right help at some point. You may want to check with mental health advocacy organizations to see if they can intervene. I can tell you when my Mom's guardian was always contacting the state hospital and going up there that her treatment got better. What goes on in our state hospitals is a disgrace at times. I'm glad you found this board and hope it helps you. if you ever need to talk feel free to e-mail me, my address is on my profile. Please keep us updated on the case and everything. Take care.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Jul 18, 2005 8:28:45 GMT -5
Deb and Laura:
Thanks for replying to my post. I appreciate your advice and support, and I'm sorry for your losses as well. It really does help to know that there are others who understand what I'm going through. I hope that I can be of support to others,too.
Laura, I can totally relate to wishing that your Mom would die. I've felt guilty about feeling the same way about my brother, although I guess it's "normal" under the circumstances.
I see that you're from Texas. Your Mom must've been really sick to be found mentally incompetent to stand trial there. Didn't the state of Texas find Andrea Yates (the woman who murdered her 5 children in the bathtub, competent to stand trial?
My brother is currently being tested for competency right now. One psychiatrist has found him "insane." But there has to be an evaluation from two other psychiatrists. The process is sooooooooooooooooooooo slow. I'm sure I'll be posting more, so I'll keep you updated.
Take care. And thanks, again, for your support.
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Post by wordup on Jul 20, 2005 23:31:47 GMT -5
OH MY DEAREST DREWSMOM595 WHILE YOUR POST HAS HIT SO CLOSE TO HOME, I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LOSS, YOU ARE IN A SITUATION, AND I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE, THEN ON THE OTHER HAND, I KNOW THAT I AM A GOD FEARING WOMAN AND FOR THIS CAUSE, I HAVE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL.
I'M GOING TO SEND YOU A PERSONAL MESSAGE, AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU, AND PLEASE TRY NOT TO GO TO HARD ON THE FAMILY, BECAUSE IT IS JUST AS YOU HAVE SAID, THEY REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS YOUR TWIN BROTHER, AND I KNOW THIS MAKE IT HARD FOR YOU, BUT I THINK I HAVE LEARNED A GREAT DEAL, AND WILL TALK TO YOU, IF YOU WOULD LIKE, YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE NOT IN TEXAS, IS THIS TRUE? GET BACK WITH ME SOON, I LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING WITH YOU. UNTIL THEN. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jul 21, 2005 16:52:01 GMT -5
Dear Drewsmom595, thanks for updating us on the case and everything. I have to agree 100%, the competency process is SLOW! In our case it took from the middle of August until the next February for the competency hearing. I know it's a very frustrating wait. I agree with you that feeling that at times we want our loved 1 to die is normal. I honestly don't know how ELSE we're supposed to feel at times! I've also felt guilt over this too. I have to admit when my Mom died the biggest feeling I had was relief. The case was then closed, as she had confessed the day after. I really, REALLY have to agree with you on your amazement that someone was found incompetent in Texas! I'm still amazed at it to be honest! My Mom was truly very sick, and she had very few periods of normalcy after that. What a LOT of people don't want to face is that with a severe mental illness, it IS possible to have short normal periods. And yes, Texas is the state where Andrea Yates was found competent. I'll tell you, I STILL think that's a sick outrage. We need changes to the competency laws VERY badly. There needs to be a "guilty but insane" verdict where the perpetrator does the time a competent person would. There is JUST NOT ENOUGH protection for the victims' families when it comes to incompetency. There's not enough protection either for those who have competent perpetrators either, but with incompetency I think it's worse. I know I'm going on and on but this subject is a big deal with me, as I'm sure it is for you also. How many doctors will have to examine your brother, if you don't mind my asking? I honestly don't remember how many examined my Mom, but I did speak to 1 over the phone. He wanted to know about her general state of mind before she did it. I was still in the early stages of it all, so don't know how I did on that call, but maybe I did OK as they found her incompetent, which she truly was. Anyway, thanks for listening when I'm going on and on! Please keep us updated. Take care.
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