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Post by toniga on Dec 18, 2005 4:35:25 GMT -5
Christmas is getting closer and closer.I felt so bitter today.I could go to my aunt's house tomorrow for an early Christmas but I would honestly rather stay home.Whenever I go to Christmas celebration at my grandparents or my aunts or uncles house I feel so cold and distant from them.They have talked rarely about my father and my mother is a huge joke to them.Today I felt so upset! I thought about the "what ifs" and cried and was so angry for all that was stolen from me and hardly anyone in my family cares.Sometimes I idealise my father and think how my life would have been with him alive.I feel so bitter and alone today.It's not just the fact he was murdered.It's the lack of trust I feel at times.I wish I had a damn dad who was here on this earth instead of the one I created in my head from bits and pieces of pictures and info.My son asked me about what happened.Why do I have to even go thru this now?!?!?! This sucks because I will never be okay completely and it's not the fact my dad was murdered.So much more than that! My family thinks I am a joke and NOTHING i ever do in my life seems to get them off my back or to even acknowledge the literal hell we went thru.Keep my dads soul in your thoughts although I know he isn't on this physical plane anymore.I wish I didn't have to go thru this bs pain!
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 18, 2005 15:03:12 GMT -5
Dear Toniga, I agree with you about why do we have to go through this pain? Most of it is from the actions of others that we had nothing to do with. And we're suffering for it. I can identify to a degree with what you say about family. While the family I deal with have a lot of caring traits, some of them aren't, such as some don't take my health problems seriously at all or even ask about them. I know what you mean about your Dad to a degree. My Dad was pretty together, always helping us, and then he dies at the hands of his wife. Not fair at all. 1 thing I've found at times that really helped me on some holidays was to spend the holidays instead with friends. So the past few years I would kind of alternate with that, or make a short appearance. I did this because some things were just too much and I needed to get away to heal, etc. The thing about the trust I deal with all the time. The murders pretty much destroyed my trust in anyone to be honest. It takes me a long time to trust anyone, and a lot of time with me observing if they ARE trustworthy. Yesterday I went Christmas shopping and it was the usual mixture of great memories and sadness, as my Mom and I would always go. I needed to be alone to be honest. I wish, too, you didn't have to go through this pain. I hope 1 day we'll find out all the reasons why these things have happened to us. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to write me. Keep us posted on how you are and take care. This is a very hard time of year for us.
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Post by toniga on Dec 18, 2005 23:26:25 GMT -5
very true how we suffer as a result of others actions. I think I will take you up on that offer and message you.i really need an understanding person and also i would like to be there for you.
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