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Post by drewsmom595 on Nov 23, 2006 14:22:36 GMT -5
I've read that after a family member kills another family member, families either grow closer together or fracture apart. I was just wondering how other people's relationships have been affected, and how you've dealt with it. In my family, I've grown closer to some, but for some others I think I will never speak with them again. It's very frustrating and sad.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 24, 2006 7:12:08 GMT -5
For my family, it's been a "mixed bag". A lot of healing has happened. But then there's still some estrangement and some of being in what I call "me-world", where some of us are never contacted in any way, like we don't exist. This is despite efforts of contact made, ie., nothing's reciprocated. I agree with you 100% how sad and frustrating all this is. Our case ended nearly 10 years ago when my Mom died. The case was officially closed and we'll never go to trial. So it's all over in that way. I feel the estrangements need to be fixed, before it's too late, ie., before we die. I'm going to keep hoping. As far as healing, am thankful for what there is. My brother closest to me is like my "new Dad". He's a "rock" who's always there and cares. Him and I have very few differences now thanks to work we've both done on our healing, etc. There's a few others besides him that truly care also. But, I hope the estrangement and "me-world" stuff will end 1 day. I think we can do what we can to stop this and keep praying and hoping. By doing what we can I mean talking about it, encouraging people to end it, and make efforts to stay in touch. I've read about families where there's no healing and ONLY estrangement and think it's tragic as they've already been through horrible trauma. I think we have to make efforts to prevent this kind of thing. Thanks for your post, Drewsmom, as this is something every family in an inter-family case has to deal with.
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Post by angelbaby on Nov 25, 2006 15:28:20 GMT -5
with us it was my sisters husband that did this.it has still destroyed our family.my mother left her husband,i no longer talk to him(he was my step father)due to threats and all.plus he has made things hard for my sisters children that are with the husband.the only ones that stayed close is my mom and me.i thank god for her.i lost my sister,i couldn't deal with not having mom to....
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Post by drewsmom595 on Nov 26, 2006 15:35:37 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone who has responded to this post so far. Hopefully, others will share their thoughts on this subject as well. I really am curious to hear from more people on this...if possible.
In my case, since the person who killed my Dad (my brother) is mentally ill, there are many different opinions on his guilt. This is the primary cause of the fractured relationships in my family. I just wish people would respect others right to have their own opinion, without lashing out and being judgmental about it.
Angeleyes, I'm glad that you and your Mom have each other to lean on during all of this. My Mom and I take turns being the "rock" while the other one cries. It really does help to have one other person who understands the depths of your depression.
And pumpkin, I agree with you 100% that people need to do what they can to end the estrangement. If there's one thing that I've learned it's life is too short to hold grudges against people that you really care about.
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Post by Misty419 on Nov 30, 2006 2:32:14 GMT -5
with us it was my own brother who had murdered my 12 year old son, My brother lived with me for 7 years prior to him killing my sweet son, My mother gave my brother up for adoption at birth to her brother and my aunt, When my brother was arrested due to his confessing to the crime and the evidiece they had on him my whole family fell apart, My Mother and I no longer talk for she believes that he did not do this, I am hurt for she has never once thought about the 12 year old that lost his life , ( her grandson) So I have been left alone to deal with this all on my own, My older children and I talk but it is very distant at times for they blame me for the death of there brother and its just something they cant seem to get past. They tell me I need to get on with my life and get over my son , They refuse to talk about Weyman at all and that is painful for me for I want my son to be rememberd, We are coming up to the trial which is due to begin January 23, 2007 I will be alone there too except for my Lawyers whom have been there for me from day one. My court avocate has even deserted me , at times I feel like have a child that was murdered is like having deadly illness to some people. like if they stand to close to me there child will be next. This ordeal has been heartbreaking and at times the pain is so unbareable but in the end I will always be there for my son. I will never stop loving him even in death and feel that people feel that when your child dies that all feeling for that child should end too. BOY ARE THEY SO WRONG !!! when your child dies it should bring the family closer not tear them apart.
Misty Robbins ( Weyman's Mom)
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Post by drewsmom595 on Nov 30, 2006 5:56:53 GMT -5
Hi Misty:
I read in one of my traumatic loss books that people try to rationalize the murder by affixing blame simply because they want to believe that it can never happen to them. By blaming someone, they can then stay in denial that murder can happen to anyone -- even themselves.
You are not to blame for your son's death. Your brother is the one that did it. I, too, have to deal with my mother who is in total denial over the fact that my brother killed my dad. Since she is all alone and elderly, however, she really needs me and I can't just shut her out of my life. We have agreed to have a difference of opinions. bit some days I admit that we are quite mean to each other. I mostly roll my eyes whenever she is talking about my brother and her back is turned.
My dad had eight brothers and sisters, and they all have different opinions. Some blame my mother for my dad's death because she refused to put my brother in a mental hospital. Almost no one calls me anymore to talk to me...even though it would mean so much to me to have someone to talk to who would reminisce with me about my dad.
I think having your child murdered is perhaps the most horrible ordeal anyone can go through. But having your brother do it is so much worse! My heart goes out to you.
Could you please tell me more about Weyman? What did he like to do? What grade was he in?
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Post by Misty419 on Nov 30, 2006 21:47:43 GMT -5
Weyman was 12 years old and in the seventh grade, he was a great student with wonderful grades, He was someone that loved life to the fullest, His dream was to one day be a professional baseball player, He was an active child full of wonder, He was silly in his own way and loved to make people laugh as a matter of fact Weyman was not happy unless everyone else was too. He has the heart of all hearts, Weyman loved fishing , baseball of course, dirt bike riding, cooking, reading, horseback riding, snake hunting,but most of all he loved his family, This was a child I never had any problems with , he was always saying to me ( your the best Mom ever) Boy how I miss that!!!! Weyman was 5'2 103 lbs with brown soft curly hair, and green eyes and when he smiled he lit up a room , Wow this feels really good to talk about him like this for once, Was this in your plan? Weyman had the heart of hearts when ever he seen someone that needed help it was he that jumped to the chance to help them. Weyman's last entry into his school journal read in 20 years I hope to married, have 2 beautiful children, own a home in california, a job playing professional baseball and own a bright yellow hummer. He loved to lay in my bed at night and we would read to eachother while I ran my fingers through his soft curls. He loved to cuddle, watch movies late into the night. He was and is very special to me and I am so grateful for the time we had togeather.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Nov 30, 2006 22:19:13 GMT -5
What a wonderful boy!! I'm really impressed with all of his interests...he seemed so well-rounded. He liked the typical boy stuff like baseball, fishing, but he also liked cooking and reading. I can almost picture him from the way you describe him. And the love that you have for him, and that he had for you, is so apparent. Thank you for telling me more about your incredible son.
I will always be here to listen, if you want to talk about him some more.
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Post by Misty419 on Dec 1, 2006 11:17:24 GMT -5
Weyman has a web page, you can view that and there is a video that I made that in memory of my son , the address is really long so the best way to see that is to go to google and put in Weyman Arizona Robbins and the link will come up. let me know what you think ,
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Post by mary on Dec 1, 2006 15:00:22 GMT -5
My son has been gone now 9 yrs. Don't know if its the Holiday Season or what. This has kind of been tearing at my heart for weeks now at first I just tried to put it away,not think about it ,but I have to let it out .I was told by my niece that her father,my brother told her back when Devid was murdered, He was out of state working when he heard,, that Devid was a hot head and maybe it didn't have to happen? ??like it was Devids fault he was murdered? ? I guess Devid could of ran ? but where? in the house where we were? his girlfriend,sister,niece and I?They may of followed and then what????He was in his own yard loading his truck for a river trip,he was not at all into any gangs , the reason they murdered him? they wanted to rob him! he stood up to them as best he could protecting his familey and what was his.how can being home, be the wrong place at the wrong time ? how can protecting yourself and others be wrong ? I really want to just let that remark go !he was not around when it happened and didn't know all the facts,but it hurt so much to hear something like that.I can never tell my brother how wrong he was, he has had many strokes in the last 5 yrs. and isn't well at all I love him and know he loved Devid it was just a dumb statement he made not knowing the facts,? so why does it hurt so much? I need to let it go!!! Mary Mother of Devid 2-22-72 8-10-98
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 2, 2006 6:32:06 GMT -5
Hi Mary:
How old is your niece? I kind of suspect that she must be on the young side because she didn't think through how hurtful it would be for you to hear what your brother said about Devid. I do think it was just a dumb statement that he made without knowing all the facts. People do that in times of grief when they're trying to make sense out of something that is truely senseless.
Still, it hurts, doesn't it. It hurts because it wasn't your son's fault, and to say that it was is dishonoring to your son. It also hurts because he isn't around to defend himself anymore, and that job passes on to us when our loved one dies.
I recommend writing a letter to your brother THAT YOU WILL NEVER MAIL. In that letter, write about how much he hurt your feelings, how wrong he was, and what really happened. And then imagine him reading your letter and understanding how wrong he was. A counselor I was seeing recommended that I write such a letter and then burn it. I did and it made me feel better.
Take care.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 2, 2006 6:49:53 GMT -5
Misty:
I visited Weyman's site and was so moved that I signed the guestbook. What a beautiful video tribute!! Your son was so handsome, and the curly hair that he had when he was a toddler was so adorable. I loved reading about the part where he said "Mom, I don't want to make Batman mad." He seemed like he was such a happy, thoughtful child. I can only imagine how much you much miss him.
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Post by ChellysdadinOC on Dec 17, 2006 2:45:48 GMT -5
HI, CHELSEA'S DAD HERE I HAVE NOT BEEN POSTING FOR QUIET A WHILE, BUT I HAVE THIS EMPTY FEELING THAT SOMETHING IS MISSING BESIDES MY OWN DAUGHTER IT IS WRITING ABOUT WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON WITH ME.CHELSEA WAS 14 WHEN SOMEDIRT BAG ENDED HER LIFE AND I KNOW HER FUTURE WOULD OF A BEEN A BRIGHT ONE. I FELT COMPELLED TO STAY IN TOUCH FOR THE GOOD AND THE BAD. I FEEL SORRY FOR ANYBODY THAT HAS A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY AND THEN TO LOOSE A CHILD TO A DEATH SO SORRY FOR ALL IN THIS SITUATION.IT HAS BEEN 11 MONTHS AFTER HER DECISION TO MOVE WITH HER MOTHER I JUST COULD NOT DENY HER. D/V HAS NEVER ENDED THE DAY TO DAY BULL HAS BUT THE MEMORIES LAST FOREVER.THERE IS NOTHING WORSE MY CHILDREN ARE THIRD GENERATION DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHILDREN AND WOW! IF I KNEW YEARS AGO WHEN MY FATHER WOULD BEAT ME AND MY MOM FOR NOTHING AT ALL. I WOULD OF DONE EVERY THING POSSIBLE TO KEEP MY CHILDREN AWAY FROM ANY ARGUMENT IN MY MARRIAGE WHAT A DISASTER FROM THE START AS I LOOK BACK I TRULY FEEL I NEVER LOVED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE DONT GET ME WRONG I FEEL BLESSED THAT I HAD TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN OH! ONE NOW. WHEN MY DAUGHTER NEEDED ME THE MOST I WAS NOT THERE FOR HER WHEN I TURNED OVER TEMP CUSTODY TO MY EX SHE MARRIED AGAIN AND SAME BEHAVIOR FROM HER AND HER NEW HUSBAND. THESE PEOPLE DID NOTHING BUT CONDONE HER BEHAVIOR AND SHE ENDED UP AT A PARTY HOUSE ON A SCHOOL NIGHT ONLY TO BE KILLED LATER THAT NIGHT I LIVE IN CA THEM IN W.A I TRULY TRIED TO GET THERE ATTENTION AS IT RELATES TO CHELSEA'S BEHAVIOR AND ALL THEY WOULD TELL ME IS CHELSEA IS DOING FINE WHAT A LINE OF CRAP!!! I WAS IN FAMILY COURT HERE IN CA FOR OVER 18 MONTHS IT TOOK MY DAUGHTERS DEATH TO FINALLY GET THE COURTS ATTENTION AND THEY HAVE GIVING ME SOLE CUSTODY OF CHRISTOPHER, BACK TO THE FAMILY IT HAS TORN US EVEN FARTHER APART. IT HAS BEEN 13MONTHS SINCE CHELSEA'S DEATH AND I FINALLY HAVE SPOKEN TO MY OLDEST STEPDAUGHTER AND I HAVE GIVING HER OPEN DOOR POLICY TO MY HOME AND MY SON AS WELL THAT WAS A HUGE HURTLE FOR THE BOTH OF US BUT IN THE LONG RUN IT WILL HELP CHRISTOPHER AND HE IS FIRST IN MYLIFE AND JUST ABOUT EVERY DECISION THAT I MAKE. MY OWN FAMILY NOT A WORD FROM MY BROTHER EXCEPT THE DAY OF HER FUNERAL HE HAS TWO LITTLE GIRLS AND I DONT EVEN KNOW THERE NAMES MY MOM SHE IS IN HARRISBURG P.A. AND OUT OF ANYBODY IN MY FAMILY TO CALL ME ON CHELSEA'S ONE YEAR PASSING 11/2/05 I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE HER YOU GUESSED IT NOT EVEN MY MOM SHE COULD NOT EVEN REMEMBER THE DAY. CHELSEA SHE WAS TAKEN TO A BETTER PLACE THAT FOR SURE BUT FOR MY MOM NOT TO CALL HER SON ON SUCH A DIFFICULT DAY. NOT ONE PHONE CALL FROM MY MESSED UP FAMILY AND IT HURTS. MY FATHER HE DIED A DRUNK AT 59 YEARS OLD AND I JUST WISH HE WAS AROUND AND NOT DRUNK. I HAVE CHRISTOPHER BACK WITH ME KNOW SO I CANT LET THESE FEELINGS EFFECT HIS LITTLE WORLD HE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH I JUST HOPE THAT HE UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANT A PHONE CALL IS WHEN HE IS AT THAT AGE TO MOVE ON. THIS ISSUE D/V HAS ALWAYS BEEN AT THE FOREFRONT OF MY LIFE I JUST WISH OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD GET OUT OF THERE SELFISH WORLDS THAT THEY ALL LIVE IN BUT WHAT IS THE CHANCE OF THAT SLIM TO NONE. I COULD WRITE ABOOK OF THE EFFECTS OF D/V HAS ON FAMILIES ESPECIALLY MY OWN AND THE ONES THAT SUFFER FOR ARE SELFISH ACTS IS ARE CHILDREN.
chelsea'sdaddyinOC
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Post by taterfay on Dec 19, 2006 22:45:12 GMT -5
Hi Chelsea's Dad: I'm glad you are back on this board and telling us what has been happening with you. I am also glad that you are trying to bridge the gap between yourself step daughter and son. I am So sorry you family members seem so tuned out to your pain and it is unbelieveable that those that you would think were closest to you didn't even call you to give you some support on the anniversary of C's death. I've found out who my true friends are since my sister was murdered (and then since my mom died 3 months ago) and they aren't as many as I had thought...oh well, I just move on and try to get comfort where I can. Take Care! Hugs!
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 20, 2006 5:56:18 GMT -5
Hi Chelsea's Dad:
I agree with taterfay...it sure is hard to understand that those closest to you didn't even call you to give you some support on the anniversary of Chelsea's death. I honestly believe that unless it has happened to you, you can't possibly understand how important it is for someone to call you not only on anniversaries, but just on regular days to ask how you are, or to talk about your loved one.
I'm very, very lucky. My Uncle Joe (related to my Dad because he married one of my Dad's sisters) calls me pretty regularly just to check up on me. He told me he's doing it because he knows my Dad would want him to do it. My Uncle Joe and I weren't all that close before my Dad died, but now I feel that we are.
However, my Dad has 7 brothers and sisters, and none of them have called me even once.
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Post by mary on Dec 20, 2006 11:25:45 GMT -5
I have 1 ex sister-in-law who went to the murder sight every year and put a candle on the curb for my son, I live 1000's of miles away now,,,and I was so thankful to her. She has just moved away so this year I guess there will be no candle there. I was just thinking the days after it happen so many people came to my conner and there was so many flowers and candles placed. I do have 1 aunt in-law who calls me or I call her she is close to 80 now,, she lost her son 42 yrs. ago he was 14 yrs. old not to murder,he was in a car wreck, and this last call about a week ago, we talked about the pain of loseing a child.42 years and I still could hear the pain in her voice.
Mary mother of Devid 08-22-72 08-10-98
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 21, 2006 19:18:21 GMT -5
Don't you just love the people who tell you that "you should be over it." I actually had one person look me in the eye and say, "it's been almost 3 years now, why aren't you over it?" I felt like slapping the person. I will never be "over it." It is always there, no matter what I'm doing. It's not like I'm consciously thinking about it all the time, but several times during the day I will catch myself thinking about the horrible way that my Dad died. I don't think there's hardly a day that goes by that tears don't well up in my eyes at some point...even if only for a minute or two.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 24, 2006 5:57:54 GMT -5
I take back what I said about my Dad's brothers and sisters never calling me. My Aunt Katie called me yesterday to say "merry christmas" and to let me know that she was thinking about me. It meant the world to me and is perhaps the best Christmas present that I'll receive this year. She also apologized for not keeping in touch.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jan 1, 2007 9:56:32 GMT -5
It's very sick, sad and wrong when family doesn't even care. I have it, too. Have some that you write e-mail, send cards, etc., you never hear a word, nothing. Less of this is going on in my family now than it did before the murders, but for it to go on at ALL makes me sick. Those of us on this thread who DO have at least 1 family member that cares are VERY blessed. And the insensitive remarks. I think ALL of us have had at least 1. "It's time to move on", "the victim could have done things different that day", all that garbage. Am glad we have each OTHER on here! People on here can be counted on and truly care.
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Post by Snowleopard on Jan 12, 2007 6:36:42 GMT -5
While only cruelity (nutshell) and not murder exists in sections in my family, as far as I know (I would say no but from time to time, I find out things of one event or another that I had no notion of, so ...........), it goes both ways.
We walk on eggshells, shields always raised to an extent, around certain people, but we never cut them off from contact, the lines are always open should they wish to talk. Once, for example, when a certain family member who was being a jerk (nutshell) was not going to my grandmother's house for ThanksGiving, I elected, on my own, to stay behind because I did not believe it was right that we should all go off and abandon him. I would be in the area should he wish to talk, be with someone. He did not, I didn't hear from him at all, I spent my TG first at a 5 mile footrace then home alone, but I was there incase he wanted someone.
We try to keep close, always extending the olive branch, ready to send out a rescue mission to those hurt by others.
For some of my family, they do it because they are good. For me, I do it because I am good but also, because over time I have picked up customs and protocols and beliefs in "duties of State" of the way things are to be done. I probably take this to the extreme, but I was raised under a Scottish-Prussian heritage which was essentially that as a member of a privilidged (obtained by hard work of course) military family, there were certain ways of doing things, certain expectations.
As such, for me, when on of these things comes up, it's "Of course" and not a balancing of yes/no, hurt/nohurt, or that was so long ago.
When I travel, I bring presents to their children, not because they live in a bad atmosphere, but because I learned as a child that when an adult travels, they should bring presents to the children of the house they are staying in.
Now, I'm not perfect at this. I'm not a parent, never have been one, and have occassionally, innocently, unknowingly, made blunders around other's children........hence, breaking those eggshells.
And to that question that comes up, of whether I do this because of this standard or because I want to. That's hard to answer because it is really the only way of life I know and while some tasks may make me sigh, the "duties to State" does rather quickly click on. But in the end, more often than not, I do like the way it makes me feel, I know I am a better person because of it, so it's because ........
I want to.
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Post by taterfay on Jan 13, 2007 15:16:08 GMT -5
thanks for sharing what it's like to be on the other side, Snow!
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Post by Misty419 on Mar 9, 2007 23:15:52 GMT -5
We'll now that the hearings are over I can say that part of my family is closer while the other part is so torn apart. My mother was in court for the sentencing for my brother, my brother was sentenced to 18 years in prison for killing my 12 year old son, My mother lost it when she heard he was going to serve 18 years and then told my son that if I had been home then this would never of happened, I can't believe she blames me for this, I can tell you in my life time I have never seen or felt hate from anyone more that I seen it and felt it from her, My own Mother wants me dead, I find it sick and sad, so at this point I dont think this relationship can ever be salvaged, I can say that I do feel sorry for her in a way, To so full of anger and Evil I could not imagine ever living my life like that, I just hope one day she finds peace. I just dont know how else to deal with this matter. alls I can do is pray that she comes to terms with the facts in this case, I hope one day she understands that she can still talk to my brother, Hold my brother and even write letters to eachother, I will never have that with my son again.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Mar 11, 2007 12:52:13 GMT -5
Misty:
My heart breaks for you. To have your brother murder your son and then have your Mom turn against you is a huge burden to bear. But I see a lot of strength and wisdom in you through your last post, and that's what is going to pull you through this.
My brother killed my Dad, and my Mom is pretty much like your Mom -- in deep denial. I don't hate my brother, who is mentally ill, but I do hate what he did and how my Mom still favors and babies him in prison. It really disgusts me to have to bring my Mom to go visit him (she can't drive there by herself so I have to do it). My Mom treats him like he's done nothing wrong, and like he's unfairly locked up. It sometimes makes me just want to vomit.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Mar 15, 2007 10:00:01 GMT -5
Dear Misty, I agree with drewsmom. You're handling this very well. Your Mother is in very deep, destructive denial. If I were you, I'd break off contact or have limited contact at most. Her blaming you for this by not being home is outrageous. She's projecting her problems on you obviously. Those who need help do this a LOT. Keep praying for her, she needs it. I love that your heart isn't 100% hard over this, that you pray and hope she'll get help. That's wonderful. But, you must protect yourself from her projection and abuse for your own mental well-being. Abuse is usually lies about the target, such as the lie it wouldn't have happened if you'd been home. No, the truth is it was your BROTHER'S actions. He's the 1 who did this horrible thing. I've found in my own experience it's pretty useless to try to reason with people who abuse (I've tried it and it never has worked) and who are in denial about how they project and hurt others. I hope with you she'll get help and start treating you as you should be treated. Know we're here for you and take care.
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Post by kirsten on Sept 4, 2007 21:55:41 GMT -5
My family is kinda split down the middle. When my mom was first murdered it pained me too much to be with my family. I was down for the summer and ended up moving in with my boyfriend and his family. This put a lot of strain on my sister's and my relationship. By the end of the summer, however, my family and I got closer, and I sort of gained a whole new family because I became so close with my boyfriend's family. I may have lost a mom, and that can never be replaced, but the whole situation brought me closer to a whole new family, and my sister as well.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Sept 5, 2007 5:33:47 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your experience, kirsten!!!!
I really feel that this thread is a subject that virtually everyone struggles with at some point. I'm glad that you're closer to your sister, and have become closer to your boyfriend's family as well.
Even though your Mom isn't with you physically anymore, my beliefs are that she's still watching over you and can "hear" you if you speak to her (either out loud or in your head). As a mother myself, I strongly feel that love never dies.
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Post by friends4ever on Sept 15, 2007 4:14:04 GMT -5
It has taken almost 12 years for the rift in my family to heal, for 7 years my mother wouldn't talk to me. When I called she would quickly hand the phone to one of my sisters but not before I would tell her "I love you" every time. This all stopped 4 years ago when my Dad accidentally shot himself and it shook my Mom up so hard that she came to me and apologized for how she had been. Every year since then has brought us closer.
Two years ago My brother finally told our Mom and his and Becky's daughters that he did kill her.Now the girls are dealing with alot of anger and Mom and I can talk about what happened and actually console each other.
I just went to visit my family and while looking through her letters from my brother, (she does not know this), I have finally found what I have been searching for the past 11 years......forgiveness. Steve sent Mom a letter apologizing to her for the "monstrous act" he has committed and letting her know she is a good Mom and it was his choice that put him where he was at.
I never thought I would see those words, the apology or the confession. I just hope he realizes the scars that we bear.
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