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Post by amanda on Dec 11, 2006 12:05:52 GMT -5
Hello I am a new member. I have been looking for a place like this for a few weeks. I recently lost both my parents and my brother. My brother shot and killed both my parents and tried to kill my sister before taking his own life. I have so many diffenat feelings right now. I am sad, mad and angry.
On Oct 30th I had left work early to go home and take puppy to the park. We went to the park and when I got home I was watching the news. there had been a shooting. Thats all it said. About 4 hours later I got a call from a ploice officer. He had my sister there and wanted to know if she could come stay with me. I am not close to her for many reasons and had not talked to her in over a year. I said No, she lives with my parents. Right after the words came out my mouth I felt somehting was wrong. The officer asked if I was home alone, which I was. I knew somehtying bad had happened. I made him tell me. Both my parents were gone is all they said. I hung up crying. Than I thought where is my brother and at the instant I knew. I turned the news on and sure enough the shooting I had been watching ealier was my parents. The police told me nothing, they were sending someone to my house. I found out all the info from the news.
My parents were very young. Mom just turned 47and my dad would have been 58 on nov 14th.
I feel so much pain. Me and my father hadnt talked in over a year. We had a fight and I worked things out with my mother, but both me and my father were stubborn. I had finally decided I needed to mend things with my father. I was a daddies girl. My father had cancer and I knew I did not have much time left with him and wanted to make sure we were on good terms and make sure he knew I loved him. I never got the chance.
My father was a veteran, and we had him buried along with my mother at the VA cemetary. On veterans day. I couldnt do the things I needed for my brother I had so much hate for him at the time. He had alot of issues. He wasnt in the right mind, but I still hate him, I know my parents wouldnt, but I do. Why did he have to take them from us?
Sorry this is so long. I just needed to write this out. I think more for me than anything. I only have my sister left and I dont have a relationship with her. I am trying but I cant force it at this point. I also have a brother but I havent talked to him in over 10 years. He is trying now, but its to hard. He is serving life in prison. SO that left me to take care of everything.
Thanks for letting me share this with you all.
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Post by mattsma on Dec 11, 2006 12:29:24 GMT -5
hello amanda, Let me first say how very sorry I am that you are going through this tragedy. I want to welcome you to the board and hope that in some small way this helps you deal with your loss. Never feel that you are rambling, or that your post is too long.........venting is one of the best ways to let some of the pain out. All of the members here understand the devistation that murder causes, and no-one will ever tell you to "hush". Again, I am very sorry, and please come back whenever you need. take care & b-safe, deb
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 11, 2006 14:06:09 GMT -5
Dear Amanda, I'm so sorry about your parents and your brother. My Dad and Grandma were murdered by my Mother in 1990. I understand how you have all the conflicting feelings you do. I'm very glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. As Mattsma said, we're here for you. As far as your relationships with your family, do what you can cope with. You've been through huge trauma and don't let people pressure you with what you should be doing or the speed of your recovery, etc. My Mother had mentall illness, too. I didn't want an in person relationship with her again, so I can understand to a degree how you feel about your brother. Again, am glad you're here and feel free to vent to us, etc. Take care.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 11, 2006 19:10:53 GMT -5
Hi Amanda:
Unfortunately, my experience is very similar to yours. My brother shot and killed my father three years ago. I, too, have many different feelings for what my brother did. It depends on the day to which feeling surfaces the most. Like you, I was a daddy's girl, and I loved my Dad much more than I loved my brother. The weird thing about my dad's murder is that I don't totally hate my brother for what he did. I hate what he did, but I don't hate him. I don't understand it, and I guess I will stop trying to figure it out, because I haven't in three years. I think the fact that he is mentally ill blunts some of my hatred towards him. Just know that we're here for you. Take care.
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toniann
Regular
Just a lil redneck
Posts: 384
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Post by toniann on Dec 12, 2006 0:53:04 GMT -5
amanda.....my sweet sammy(nephew) killed my beautiful jessica(daughter) and then kil;led himself......he was very confused.;.....i dont hate him.....i hate evil.l that is what drove him;he lovedjess! they were buddies they were The possie oxoxoxoxoxxo no I am not ok and niether r you! we will or might be ok 1 day! but not 2day and that is what this board is all allbout! we r not ok and that is ok... scream it if you you want 2
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Post by tamècasmom on Dec 12, 2006 9:07:04 GMT -5
Amanda,
What brought you to this site is so very sad I felt my heart pounding as I read your post.
The following is sad but true, "Welcome to this site".
This site is a place where you can let out emotions that you may not have not released before which is a good thing so don't hesitate to use it remember this site is here 24-7-365.
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Post by taterfay on Dec 12, 2006 13:44:26 GMT -5
Amanda:
How horrifying to learn about this on the news. I am So sorry about your mom and your dad and I am relieved that your sister was spared. I lost my sister (to murder) and my mom (to cancer) in 10 months but, OH MY GOD, to lose a big chunk of your family to violence in one single day. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you. Please vent here as much as possible. I didn't have a great relationship with my sister and know that she is dead I'd give anything to have her back and begin working on our relationship, but as pumpkin says: Do what you can and don't let others pressure you to mend things when you aren't ready. I hope you have a close friend or someone that is a really good support system for you. We will always listen here and never judge. It has been a year since my sister was murdered by her boyfriend and 3 months since my mother died. I have been on a roller coaster of emotion, but I can say, for me, that things feel less raw now (though the pain is still very much there) and so I hope that gives you some relief in that you might start to have some good days here and there..but your losses have been SO recently. Scream, cry, shout, do anything you need to do to get it out. I find that writing really helps me and so has a grief support group and going to a grief counselor. It is also ok to take a break from grief..if you have a good day or something makes you smile, don't feel guilty about it..when my sister was first murderd I felt guilty for ever having good thoughts but I've gotten past that now. Ok, I've rambled on enough. Big, Big Cyber hugs to you and your surviving family! Love, Stacey
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Post by amanda on Dec 12, 2006 15:42:08 GMT -5
Thank you to all who responded. I really feel better when I am talking about it all. I have so many mixed feelings at the moment. I feel like I am living a life time movie. I have lots of mixed feelings with everything. I have been sad, mad and even angry. I have so much anger towards my brother but I am quick to defend him. I hate what he did, however I knew in the back of my mind this may happen. He wasnt right.
My parents havent always had the best kids to raise. The others have all been in trouble, lied and stolen from my parents, but they would never turn them away. I am not a parent so I cant understand that. But I know if they were here to tell me, they would not be mad at him. In fact they would try to make excuses for him.
I have even felt anger for my father and that hurts me. They day they were killed my brother called my parents and told them he was going to kill them. They called the police , they came out once. Said a crime had not been committed (thats another issue) and left. My brother came back to the house wanting to get some of his things. My dad let him in the house. Earlier in the day my parents had all my brothers guns removed from the house. But I cant understand why my father would still let him back in the house. Within minutes both my parents were shot.
The very next day I had to go into the house to get some items in order to start dealing with everything. I think thats the worse thing I could have done. They told me not to, but I didnt have anyone to do it. I seen things that one shouldnt. It makes it so hard. I try to figure out where they were, did they suffer..
Ok, i am going on again. Sorry. Thank you
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Post by tamècasmom on Dec 12, 2006 16:57:06 GMT -5
Amanda,
Just wanted to say you do not have to say you are sorry on this board. Vent tell you cannot vent anymore express yourself until your fingers hurt from typing in other words do whatever it takes to help you cope with your lost. I believe most of us on this site on here for two reasons to help ourselves and to help others I know for sure that is why I am here.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 12, 2006 17:02:08 GMT -5
Hi Amanda:
Your father let your brother in the house because it is inconcievable for a parent to truly believe that their child will kill them. It is just something that their brain can't process. I know this to be true because I tried to warn my Dad that my brother wanted to shoot him, but he wouldn't believe me. In any event, please do not feel guilty about anything -- it is not your fault that this happened.
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Post by amanda on Dec 15, 2006 16:26:15 GMT -5
I wanted to ask you guys. I have alot of people telling me I should file suit against the police department in this. I have not even thought about it. But people around me are making it out like if I dont I am not doing justice for my parents. My parents are gone, getting some money isnt going to help any. and truly I am not sure even if the poilce would have done the things "I" think they should have if the outcome would have been changed.
My parents called the police and they came out and told them that my brother had not committed a crime. I thought threating someone was a crime for sure. They also saidd because he wasnt there at the time that there was nothing they could do. But my parents told them were he was.
Since the police couldnt do anything, my parents had the guns removed from the apt.
My brother than called my mom and told her he was coming over to kill her. My mom who was always strong called the police crying begging for help. She called 5 times. The cops never came. 3 hours later she had been shot. My brother just walked up to her and shot her in the face, twice. Than shot my father killing him instantly. The police didnt get into the apt for and hour after. They didnt know at the time my brother had already taken his own life. I always wonder was my mom alive, could she have been saved.
People keep telling me I need to file suit to try to honor my parents. I dont think they would want that. I dont want that. I want to just try to move on from this point and get my life back together as much as one could. Am I wrong for wanting to walk away from all the shouldof , could of talk. Nothing will bring them back at this point. I dont see trying to take on the police making it any better. I just want everyone even the reporters to leave me alone.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 15, 2006 19:30:00 GMT -5
Amanda:
I think it wouldn't hurt to contact an attorney to get some legal advice on this. ...if for no other reason then to put your mind at rest. There is an attorney who volunteers advice on this board...if you go to the member profiles section, there is a post there that will lead you to her.
I am not an attorney but I think you would face an uphill battle proving the police did something wrong...based on what you've written so far. Your brother wasn't on the premises, and hadn't assaulted your parents (yet) when the police came out the first time. Even after your brother threatened to kill them, it appears from what you've written that your mom and dad stayed in their house for at least 3 hours...which makes me wonder why they didn't go somewhere else (even if only to a neighbors) if they really, truly believed they were about to be killed. So, if your own parents didn't take any action, how can you expect the police to do so when they have to follow the law -- a law which won't allow them to arrest someone simply because he makes a threat of violence.
It's really common after a murder to try to point fingers to try to make sense out of an act that truly is senseless. The bottom line is that your brother is the one responsible. As I stated earlier, I am not an attorney, and don't know the laws in your state. And then you can decide if you really want to be involved in yet another law suit at this time.
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Post by wordup on Dec 15, 2006 19:42:46 GMT -5
Ok here is my take on this, You don't want a suite, then don't do it. I feel where you are coming from, because we were told the same thing, and really I thought someone should have been held accountable in our case. I still say it today, But after looking into some things. and what we would have had to go through when it come to the state ect.... we could have been hung up in that thing for a while, and getting an attorney depending on your State sometime can be hard when it come to something like this.
I would have done it for the same reason you are saying, that is why I looked into it. and I concluded the same thing that you have, It would not bring my baby back, and the thought of tearing my family apart futher outweighted what I wanted to do. Therefore I let it go.
But if this is coming on you a lot, then it can be good to check into some things so that you can decide if this is something that you might want to do. at least get an idea about what you will have to go through should you persue it. Also how long ago was your loss? There is a stature of limitation that vary with the states. Just something to think about.Here in Texas it is two years. Take care.
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Post by Charlene on Dec 16, 2006 9:08:32 GMT -5
Hi Amanda. I'm so sorry about the loss of so much of your family.
I created this part of the MVS forum because it seemed that people in this circumstance needed a gathering place to talk about this very specific issue. It is very different from having a family member murdered by a stranger, and requires a lot of wrestling with conflicting feelings. Somehow people who have had a murder occur in their family by a family member keep finding this board, thank goodness, because they are the ones who can best help new victim survivors through this extremely confusing time. I am so grateful for everyone's participation in this forum.
With regard to filing a lawsuit, this is not something that has to be decided right now. In most states, you have at least two years from the date of the loss to file a suit. Don't worry about this right now - it has not even been two months. In six months or so, make an appointment with a civil attorney and find out what your deadline for making a decision is and whether they think your case has merit. Tell your friends who are urging you to file suit that you intend to look into it in the future but right now you have to focus on getting through today. If they persist, be polite but firm and change the subject or end the conversation.
Charlene
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Post by taterfay on Dec 19, 2006 22:47:19 GMT -5
amanda: follow your heart. Ignore what other people say. If you don't feel that you want to proceed with some sort of law suit, then don't. Always follow your own instincts, etc.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jan 1, 2007 10:03:01 GMT -5
Amanda, I agree with the others on the lawsuit. You can always get info as Flakee said and make a decision later. I wish you the best with all of it. Charlene, THANK YOU! I was so excited when this board started! Not for what we've been through, but that there was now a place for MVS in this category. With not enough in person support groups, these boards are a lifesaver. The in person groups that are there are wonderful, too. I'm very glad, too, that people find this board when they need it.
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