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Post by drewsmom595 on Mar 17, 2007 7:17:14 GMT -5
I have had therapists, friends, family members and even my own husband tell me that it's not my fault that my mentally ill brother killed my Dad, but there is always this small guilty feeling that resides within me. I knew that my brother was crazy and should've been put into a hospital, but my parents (whom he was living with) couldn't see it. They didn't "want to give up on him."
I wanted to Baker Act my brother (involuntarily commit him for three days of observation), but I was afraid that after he got out in three days that he would come after me.
I know that if my Dad were alive he would be the first to tell me that it wasn't my fault. But sometimes I wish I could've done more to prevent it from happening.
Does anyone else struggle with guilt? How do you get it to go away? Or, does it not go away and you just have to learn how to live with your regrets?
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Post by wordup on Mar 17, 2007 23:10:00 GMT -5
HI drewsmom, Wel,l go away? I can't say that it does, even though we are some what on the oppisite side of the coin the question is one that fits any of us, I find myself thinking about what if, even today, I know there was nothing I could do, but it doesn't stop me from thinking that I should have done something or knew something ect... So you are not alone in your thinking, I guess this will be a matter of time too. As it has been going on three years since my loss and I still wonder that question. take care.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Mar 18, 2007 7:34:28 GMT -5
Dear Wordup, yes! I know what you mean. While we KNOW we did all we can do, I think we'll always have the thoughts! Just like we miss our loved 1's and/or friends every day. The things that have helped me with this were/are: counseling. I told my 1st psychologist about something Mom said to me before the murders after hiding it for many years. She told me I'd done all I could and that what Mom said wasn't enough to get her arrested or committed. I've been telling more people about it since, per her direction, since she said it would help me heal some, etc. Prayer is another thing. Plus coming on these boards. These things HAVE helped a LOT, but I know I'll have these feelings at times for the rest of my life. Is that necessarily the worst for me? No. I think it's part of being a MVS, no matter if our case is inter-family or not. Drewsmom, I feel so much for you because our cases are so similar. So when I 1st read your post I was like well, I know how this is, did I do enough, etc.? I hope our responses will help you as I know (and Wordup does, too) how these thoughts are. Take care.
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Post by cthewig on Apr 24, 2008 7:57:53 GMT -5
Revelation 12 “10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. 11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.”
I find that Satan, “the accuser of our brothers”, uses my brother’s murder of my father to make me feel guilty. I talked to my brother two days before he murdered my father. I keep thinking that I could have done something about it. I believe though that those thoughts of accusations and condemnation running through my mind “day and night” are just Satan whispering in my ear. Satan accuses and condemns me in my thoughts and “before our God day and night”. He wants me to feel guilty for something that I didn’t even do. Satan wants to propagate the evil of my father’s death to hurt me even more. I accept Jesus Christ as my savior though. I am a baptized Christian. I am washed in the “blood of the Lamb.” I accept Jesus Christ as my savior and have been forgiven for my sins. I just remind myself that I had no control over the situation whenever Satan whispers in my ear that I could have done something to save my father.
Even when Satan does accuse and condemn me for something that I did then I simply ask Jesus to forgive me. I accept that Jesus forgives me and then I forgive myself. I have lived most of my life feeling guilty for one thing or another. I believe that Satan likes to make me feel guilty though. Satan doesn’t want me to believe that I am forgiven. Satan doesn’t want me to believe that Jesus forgives me. Satan doesn't want me to believe that Jesus can and will forgive me and my brother for our sins. Satan doesn’t want me and my brother to be free of guilt. He wants to keep us in bondage to feelings of guilt, rejection and depression. Jesus died though to set me free from the guilt of my sins. I accept what Jesus did for me. I accept that I am forgiven. Jesus accepts me.
1 John 1 “9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Psalms 103 12 "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Matthew 26 “27 Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”
Revelation 1 “5 and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, 6 and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.”
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Post by taterfay on Apr 28, 2008 13:34:36 GMT -5
Trust me: I've had many moments of guilt about my sister. We KNEW she had been or was being abused in the past by the murder (so called "boyfriend" at the time) but yet we did nothing to prevent her from losing her life..and neither did her friends in Hawaii, who knew MUCH more about what was really going on. I wish I would have talked to her more about her relationship with this jerk and offered her support, but we just had no idea because she felt she had to hide it all. I don't blame my sister at all, but ultimately I know that we couldn't have necessarily done or said anything to keep her away from him, and that is very sad, but so typical in domestic violence situations. When I feel guilty I just allow myself to feel that way, and then I eventually come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing anybody could have done. Sarah wasn't able to get away from him, or chose not to for whatever reason. We were all helpless (except for HIM)!!
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Post by drewsmom595 on May 25, 2008 5:46:33 GMT -5
I think that's a good attitude to have Stacey! I know deep in my heart that if I truly believed my brother was going to kill my Dad that I would've done something to prevent it. Same with my Mom. We all did the very best we could under the circumstances. Sometimes that's not good enough.
Ultimately, I know that my brother is the one responsible, although even then he isn't totally responsible because he of his mental illness.
Next time the guilt starts creeping up on me, I'm going to try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault and I did the best I could. Hopefully, one day it will fully sink in.
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Post by acavana on May 26, 2008 16:12:59 GMT -5
I have a hard time replying to this one. I am the friend that I guess "knew" more than anyone else. I just didn't know that they didn't know. If I had created a stir, I would have been put right on the outside. I really truely thought that we had time to save her. I really thought that eventually everyone would see what I knew. That we would all join together. I would say things and they would be ignored, like, nobody could be bothered. If I had made a big deal about what was going on, I would have been the odd man out. I know that (well, I tell myself that). There have been comments made, about how they "didn't know". I really want to scream that they didnt know, because they chose not to. Her friends and even some of her family. I am so sorry to say that, and I can't believe that I just did, but it is true. I have alot of guilt, and hold alot of responsibility, but I have come to realize lately that I have alot of anger toward those that now are in the middle of this loss and don't have to feel it. They don't have to feel what it is like to think that YOU could have changed something. But really its just because they weren't there, and that's not my fault, its theirs.... WHEW, that was an emotional one! I apologize as this started out being a very supportive post... in my mind. Sry.
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Post by friends4ever on Jul 7, 2008 1:48:49 GMT -5
For many years I have felt the guild of Becky's death, part of it was because Steve is my brother and she met him through me, and the other part is that I was the one who convinced her to leave him. I had to realize that everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan, he doesn't want the pain and anguish murder causes, but he does have a plan for those of us who are left behind. I have more days where I'm okay, but still feel guilty once in a while... I don't know if I will ever get over the feeling that somehow I am maybe a little to blame.
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Post by taterfay on Jul 7, 2008 13:16:40 GMT -5
It's hard not to feel guilty sometimes but ultimately we have to completely remember that the ONLY person responsible for these tragedies are the murderers themselves and nobody else.
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Post by lilithb on Aug 3, 2008 14:21:57 GMT -5
I struggle with guilt for many things and for years after my father's murder, I felt so guilty. I should have been there more for him. I should have called more frequently and should haves, after should have bombarded me.. I now know that guilt destroys and there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happend and through the years I have lost that feeling of guilt.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Aug 5, 2008 19:12:34 GMT -5
I'm glad that lilith and others have come to terms with their feelings of guilt. I started this post over a year ago and I'm happy to report that, while I still struggle with feelings of guilt, that I do think they're a bit less today than they were a year ago.
Some day, I pray that I will finally be able to look myself in the mirror and say "you did the best you could" and "you should cut yourself some slack and not beat yourself up for not being a crystal ball reader." Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.
I thank everyone who's posted in this thread. All of your responses have truly been helpful to me.
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Post by shadow on Aug 23, 2008 17:56:17 GMT -5
Dear Drewsmom -
Your post is a good one; a topic we all struggle with.
My brother killed my father, too, 11 years ago I was not able to make it real in my head or to grieve it until this summer, after looking at the crime scene photos.
I had not been able to cry before this summer, and one aspect of this that came out with the first tears I shed was that on some level, I didn't think I "deserved" to grieve because I knew that the murder could happen.
My brother was dangerous, and I discussed it many times with my mom, but she would not do anything. I have wished that I had done more. In the end, they chose to live in danger. But, I do still struggle with guilt.
Shadow
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Post by drewsmom595 on Aug 23, 2008 18:18:06 GMT -5
Thanks for your last post, Shadow. I'm sorry that you lost your father in a similar way, and wish you didn't have to struggle with guilt either. Best wishes to you.
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Post by gladriel on Mar 13, 2009 11:49:40 GMT -5
If you happen to find a way to live with the guilt, could you pls let us know as I'm there and have been for 26yrs I feel as much guilt today as I did the day he was murdered. Thanks so very much!
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Post by cpruitt78 on Apr 13, 2009 12:37:47 GMT -5
Guilt and anger I see go hand in hand in the process of grieving for a murdered love done... My sister-n-laws last call at 4:01 am to my house went unanswered because I turned the ringer off... I will live with that for the rest of my life- What I have started thinking about though is what was our relationship like while she was here??? We had our ups and downs as all in-laws do- but bottom line I had her back and she had mine... I didn't have to be around her 24/7 for her to know that I loved her... We made the important times count... Don't beat your self up about how you would have done things differently- find comfort and security in the relationship you have with your loved one... True love never dies - it endures all things- including death...
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Post by gladriel on Apr 23, 2009 10:38:20 GMT -5
Hi Drewsmom, I want to offer hope or some words of encouragement to you with your guilt....but.....it doesn't go away I've tried many things as well but I find its a scar deep in my heart that nobody else quite understands, for each person this happens to the reactions are different. What I do know is that my father was murdered 26yrs ago when I was 17 and I still think of him everyday and I mean everyday. The guilt you speak of again different for everyone just doesn't go away. It almost seems that everyone else has gone on with their lives but your still left standing there looking around thinking "what now"? And it feels like your all alone with nobody to talk to. I can't offer hope that this will change but I can offer hope that .......I've sat here for 15 minutes trying to think of some hope that things will change but I just can't because for me they haven't. What I guess I can hope is that you can find someone you trust and confide in them. And know your mom is with you always nobody and I mean nobody can take that away! Sorry for your loss. Gladriel
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