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Post by beemo on Aug 17, 2007 13:02:23 GMT -5
Thank goodness I found this place. It's been a year since my Dad's murder, and the feelings are almost worse now than when it happened.
My nephew was raised in my mom & dad's home. My dad & nephew were both diagnosed w/bipolar disorder. Supposedly my dad threatened to take away my nephew's disability check or something like that. One night, he brought my dad something to drink outside on the patio, then stepped behind him and slit his throat.
I took care of absolutely everything for my mother, planning the funeral, writing the eulogy, having the crime scene cleaned, EVERYTHING. Now I regret doing that, because now it seems she is in denial of the horrendousness (is that a word?) of what happened. She is SO supportive of my nephew, it is sickening. Even from the night it happened, she was telling the police, tell him I don't blame him, tell him I still love him. I can't say anything derogatory about him, or she instantly turns cold.
I realize I have the luxury of not being his biological mother, or have raised him like my own child, so I have much different feelings about the whole thing that my mom and my sister. But I feel like, I allow her to have her feelings, why can't she allow me to have mine? Sometimes she is so supportive of him, I hate to say this, it feels like she thinks of him as being a hero for ridding her of having to deal with my dad's mental illness anymore. It's like I want to say, HI, I'm your daughter who never murdered anyone, and you've NEVER been this supportive of me!
Thank you so much for the opportunity to vent. The thread about has this experience brought your family closer together or farther apart was very helpful. Again, I'm so glad I found this place.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Aug 17, 2007 17:38:48 GMT -5
Beemo:
WOW! Your post sent shockwaves through my body because I can really relate to your post. My mentally ill brother (paranoid schizophrenic) shot and killed my Dad for no reason other than his paranoid delusions. Like you, I was the strong one in the family after it happened -- getting the scene cleaned up, leading the funeral arrangements, and being strong for my Mom who basically fell apart.
It's no secret in my family that my Mom has always favored my brother over me. Everyone knows it. What makes me sick, however, is just how supportive and loving she still is towards my brother. All she worries about is how he's being treated in prison. She wishes that they would set him free -- even though she knows that he came to my house 30 minutes before he killed my Dad to kill me. The only reason why he didn't shoot me (I've found out through the court psychiatrist who interviewed him) is because my son was there, and he didn't want to shoot me in front of my son.
I know that if I had gone off and killed my Dad, she'd be pushing for the death penalty to me. It just sometimes makes me want to vomit.
My feelings towards my brother are mixed. While I don't outright hate him, I am very angry and scared of him. The psychiatrist who treated him told me he really isn't responsible for his actions, so that has blunted some of my hatred towards him.
P.S. I'm the one who started the thread about whether your family is closer together or more torn apart. In my family, it's definitely a mixed bag.
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Post by bk2007 on Aug 17, 2007 19:56:45 GMT -5
Dear beemo....I'm so glad you were able to write us about your very sad circumstances. It's not enough that you've had to experience your Dad's murder, or your brother's mental illness and thought of killing you, but not to have a mother to love and support you through it is very very sad. Lots of us are mother's and I hope you will just write your little heart out on this thread that is yours now, and maybe we can at least comfort you. Look how Drewsmom had such a similar experience...I'm so glad she understands. I'll send good wishes and blessings your way. You can also send private messages by clicking up in the right corner of this page where your name is and how many messages you have. Hugs, Barb ~
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Aug 18, 2007 7:59:38 GMT -5
Dear beemo, I'm very sorry about your Dad. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. Bipolar disorder was greatly involved in my familys' case. My Mother had it and when she did get treatment she didn't stick with it. Over time, it turned into psychosis and she killed my Dad and Grandma in 1990. I'm very sorry to hear about how denial was/is going strong in your family. I hate it so much. I think it's pure evil. I KNOW that it directly lead to what happened in my family. There's SOME good news in our case in that the amount of denial has gone DOWN, but, unfortunately, there's still some family members that are living in denial about Mom STILL and are also in what I call "me-world". Living in their own worlds and don't bother with their family at all. Mom knew she had family that really didn't bother with her and Dad and this was a factor in her mental state. 1 way I've coped with all this is counseling. It saved my mind and life. I LEARNED how sick my family was in certain ways. And some still are, and think there's nothing wrong with them. Please don't hold back on your feelings about all this. You have a RIGHT to feel as you do. And this is a wonderful place where you can come VENT and talk with people who have also been through the pure hell of losing a loved 1 and/or friend to murder. I've learned through all this that I had to find out with professional help what was wrong in our family that helped lead to this tragedy. I did and am thankful. And I resolved to NEVER, EVER be like my Mother, who destroyed herself. I REFUSE to live in denial for years and years. Yes, I've had it in my own life. But, even though it took time, I got OUT of it, and also from hiding from things. Don't listen to those "experts" who claim to know YOUR mental state, you're not progressing fast enough, you're not doing it right, etc. The 1's who have never gotten help themselves and haven't even got a psychology degree, etc. It takes time, but we can re-build our lives to a big degree. Your Mom may never be supportive of you. I've learned with some of my family it's likely they'll never really care about other family. It hurts, but I keep doing what I need to do. I have TRUE friends and family and thank God for them. Know that by seeing these things in your family, you're ahead of them as far as YOUR mental health goes. And having that knowing and strength can keep you going. Know that we're here for you and always ready to listen. Take care.
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Post by beemo on Aug 18, 2007 13:50:28 GMT -5
I literally got goosebumps reading your replies. Your caring words mean so much to me. I feel like I just got a whole bunch of hugs!
I definitely will keep writing, I helps SO much.
I think my nephew is going to plea bargain, so on one hand that's a blessing that we all don't have to go on trial. On the other hand, I think I may write the judge a letter, asking him to give my nephew the maximum sentence allowed. I think the max is still only 20-22 years (he has no priors). I just want to keep my family safe, even if I have to protect my mom from herself. I will just be a relief to have him at least 150 miles away. Maybe I won't have to hear about him as much.
Thanks again.
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Post by taterfay on Aug 18, 2007 17:34:54 GMT -5
Hi Beemo:
I am so sorry about your dad. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Yours (and pumpkins and drewsmoms) stories are so very complicated, especially when you thrown in the mental illness factor. I really hope you find comfort and solace in this board. I know that I do. I know that your mom is grieving as well as you but I really hope she comes to her senses in some way because it seems so unfair as far as the way she has treated you. I hope you have other family members, friends, etc. who are a good support system for you! Counseling (and writing) and talking, talking, talking about it has helped me get through some of the worst of my grief. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing, ok? HUGE HUGS! Stacey
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Aug 19, 2007 10:50:03 GMT -5
Beemo,
I have read your story and cried and prayed for comfort for you. I really am speechless, but am amazed at your strength and your caring and all you have come through, and still have the courage to come here and share and maybe help others who might face what you have too.
I will simply say, I wish you never had to be so strong, and I wish you never had to face any of it, and I hope and pray you can find some comfort here. I hope you can find some things that will help you in walking about in this world after murder that none of us wanted to know.
I am so sorry for your loss of your dad.
Janet
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Post by drewsmom595 on Aug 19, 2007 16:48:02 GMT -5
Hi Beemo:
I'm glad that you are finding comfort here.
Is there a victim advocate assigned to your case? You may want to contact the State Attorney's office if you're not sure. Mine helped me immensely.
In my instance, I wasn't able to write a letter to the judge, but I was able to write a victim's impact statement...which I then filed with the State Attorney's office.
Best wishes to you, and please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
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Post by beemo on Aug 23, 2007 22:06:14 GMT -5
There is a victim's advocate, although I haven't had contact with her since right after it happened. A victim's impact statement is a good idea, even if I don't ever turn it in. It would still be good to let the emotions out. I also feel if I write one, it might alienate my mom. But I think I need to speak out for my dad.
I was never very close to my dad, I don't know if it was because of his mental illness, or the fact he only ever had a brother and he never knew what to do with two daughters. We were probably closer at the time of his death as we ever were. I'm kind of glad he was in a bipolar high, because about a week before he was killed, I was leaving the house and he said "love ya, kid." I don't think he would have ordinarily said that to me, even though he felt that way.
I found out a couple years ago he told my husband that if it wasn't for me, he would be dead. It seems he was thinking about killing himself when my parents found out they were pregnant with me. At least I gave him 38 more years! ; )
Drewsmom, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad too, but I am so glad you were spared. I am thankful for your words and those of all the posters.
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Post by taterfay on Aug 30, 2007 14:09:19 GMT -5
Hi beemo:
I think writing out an impact statement (whether it ever sees the light of day) is such a great way to get everything out. Writing is really cathartic for me in general. I'm really glad he told you he loved you shortly before he was killed (esp. if he didn't usually say that)...I'm sure it made you feel good:) Big Hugs! Stacey
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Post by drewsmom595 on Aug 30, 2007 19:48:16 GMT -5
Hi beemo:
Thanks for your kind words and support. I do think you should write a victim's impact statement...especially, as you put it, it would help you speak out for your dad.
I'm glad that your dad told you he loved you before he died. Even though he's no longer with you physically, I still believe that our loved ones are still around us, and can "hear" us when we speak to them, or even when we write our thoughts down on paper. Since your dad was taken from you suddenly, you probably have things you wish you could've said to him before he died. I know I did. It was very cathartic for me to write a letter to my dad, telling him all the things I wish I could've said to him while he was alive.
Please let me know how you are doing...and how your nephew's case is progressing.
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Post by summer on Oct 25, 2007 12:13:10 GMT -5
Beemo, I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered. Unfortunately, your story hit very close to home. My nephew also killed my dad - the day after Christmas [2006]. For the first time ever, I was glad my mom had already passed away because I think this would have destroyed her.
My nephew [24 years old] beat my dad to death with a hammer and stuffed him in the back of his van. My sister came home and found him and called me hysterical. It still seems unreal.
My mom and dad played a bit part in raising my nephew also as he lived with them most of his life. I can certainly understand your frustrations. All I can say is the statement that "there is no greater love than a mother for her child" has definitely shown through in my case as well. I cannot pretend to understand how my sister feels. At first I really felt like my sister was really grieving more for her son than she was for our dad until I saw her again in June [we live in 2 different states]. As soon as I saw her it was evident what a toll this has taken on her. She blames herself for a lot of things, but the only person responsible is her son.
We have both tried to respect each others feelings. While I have a great deal of anger and numerous other negative feelings for my nephew, there is also a part of me that pities him [this didn't happen until I saw him and I was surprised by my own emotions]. I certainly believe that he is mentally ill, and I know both he and my dad suffered from depression and refused to seek treatment.
I would encourage you to try to talk to your mom and express the importance of respecting each others' feelings.
I hope we can talk more.
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