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Post by brycesdad on Nov 8, 2007 22:24:58 GMT -5
Hello, I am having trouble dealing with my son death. He was murdered on Sept 18,2007 in a murder suicide plot by his mother three weeks after I was given custody of Bryce. Bryce was 11 years old and just a great child to be around. I don't understand how a mother can do this. I can't believe that she professed to love him so much, but chose to take him from this world, all because she couldn't deal with her life. We have been divorced for 7 years, just because she couldn't move on in her life, she couldn't deal with the real world, couldn't handle raising a child. I am so angry. I feel so empty, I have a hole inside me that hurts everyday, the only way I have been able to manage is just not to think about it. When I do think about it, all I can do is cry and ask my self if this was my fault somehow. Did my pushing to get him back from visitation, when she did not return him kill him. I waited two days, with not contact with him. I can't look at pictures of Bryce, it is hard enough just going to see at the cemetery. I have had to have my family members deal with everything, I just can't bring myself to deal. I don't even have someone to vent my anger toward, because she is dead and to top it all off, I am left to pay the bill for the clean up of the murder scene. But that is another issue. My grief is affecting my relationship with my wife and stepdaughter and at work. I feel hollow inside, I don't live life now, I just exist. It is a struggle to get out of bed each morning. If it were not for the Rx given to me by my doctor I am not sure I would be able to survive, but I know that I can't live on the Rx for ever. I am looking for guidance, looking for ideas on hope to cope. I have tried talking to a counselor, but it hasn't helped. Do this get easier or does it just get numb.
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Post by ani on Nov 8, 2007 22:36:48 GMT -5
Goodness, your poor sweet sweet heart...
NO! This was NOT your fault!!!!!!!!!!! This was HER fault. She took him from you, his family, and us (the rest of the world). She had NO RIGHT to do that. You have EVERY right to be angry as hell.
I cannot even imagine how hard this must be for you. I am so very very sorry. I have not lost a child, but I have seen people close to me grieve over the loss of their children... The truth is that the pain does not go away. There is no sense anyone can make of it... It is just plain WRONG.
Take the medicine as long as it helps you. If that therapist did not help you, seek out another. I did rapid eye movement therapy and it was truely wonderful. Please don't be hard on yourself, please give yourself time to absorb the shock of it all. Do not let the evil that took him away from you destroy the love you have for him. Because as Janet always says, the love can never be taken away, it is the one thing the murderers can never rob us of...
We are all here to listen. You are safe here. You can rage, cry, or just be here.
~Ani
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 9, 2007 10:55:12 GMT -5
Dear brycesdad, I'm very sorry about your Son. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. The feelings you have about is this your fault, etc., are something some of us have also gone through. My Mother murdered my Dad and Grandma in 1990 and something that Mom said to me not long before the murders I hid for a lot of years. Because I thought if I told people, they'd hate me and know I really didn't do enough to get Mom to get mental help, etc. God kept telling me "tell your psychologist" and "you need to face and resolve this". I was so afraid, but decided to tell her. I nearly cancelled the appointment out of fear. When I told her I kept crying and was so afraid. She told me that what Mom said COULD NOT have gotten her committed OR arrested. It wasn't serious enough. It wasn't a direct threat to others OR herself. She said you did all you could do considering YOUR mental state at the time, which wasn't the best thanks to verbal and emotional abuse from Mom up until the times of the murders. I know it's so hard NOT to blame ourselves! It's highly possible your Son's Mother had no conscience. People like that cause so much pain in this world. I thank God that He kept on me and kept telling me to tell my doctor what Mom said. I've had a TON more peace since then. I've told 2 more people since then and will tell more. My doctor told me that'll help me with the healing process. I've learned that we can ONLY DO SO MUCH! If we keep thinking and thinking and not RESOLVING, we can literally drive ourselves crazy and also live in self-destruction. I lived in that ENOUGH years as my drinking really went up after the murders. Once I quit (a little over 8 years ago) what needed to be worked on was FULLY faced, finally! I'd made progress since started counseling, but it wasn't full, as I was drinking. If your doctor isn't a good fit for you, keep trying to find 1 who is. Something else that really helped me was going to Parents of Murdered Children meetings not long after the murders. Also going to counseling at church, writing about it all, talking to understanding friends and family and coming to boards like this 1. This board is the 1st place I "met" other inter-family MVS and I'm so thankful! There were no MVS with inter-family cases when I was going to Parents of Murdered Children, unfortunately. But, I found them here and we all help each other heal. As far as getting easier, it has for me. However, every MVS and every case is different so those who are working on recovering as much as they can do so at different rates, etc. The fact is in certain ways we're NEVER the same, but we can re-build to a degree. I resolved to NEVER be like Mom after the murders. I saw 1st hand how she destroyed herself. She lived in a lot of self-centeredness, self-pity and chose to brood instead of working on the abuse in HER life. I say if we give in and give up we let the perpetrator win. NEVER! Plus, we show the new MVS that THEY can keep going. Ani is right in that this board is safe for you and we understand what you're going through. If you don't mind my asking, did your Son's Mother go to trial? Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
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Post by demor215 on Nov 9, 2007 12:07:56 GMT -5
I am so, so sorry. You have come to a good place. We are here to listen to anything you have to say. My child was killed by a stranger, but there are people here whose situations are similar to yours and they understand.
You are in the very early stages of this loss and that time period is overwhelming. You need to let yourself grieve in whatever way works for you. I personally think medication is a must at this stage. My husband tried to go without it and it nearly killed him. Take it as long as it works for you. Like Ani said, if this counselor doesn't work for you, try another one. I went to two before I found someone I liked and after a while I didn't need her.
I know it's early, but something that helps me is charity work I do in my daughter's name. We all have to find what the right thing is that helps us. Don't worry about your family handling everything, take whatever help they are willing to give you.
I'm glad you found us.
D
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Post by beemo on Nov 9, 2007 12:50:57 GMT -5
I am sooooo sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through. Keep looking for a counselor that works for you, and keep coming back here.
I just wanted to mention, I discovered crime scene cleanup was covered by my dad's homeowner's policy, so you might check into that.
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Post by carolyn on Nov 9, 2007 16:33:15 GMT -5
Dear Byrcesdad,
I am sorry this should not of happened how awful!
There are so many stages of grief and everyone is different I cannot say it gets easier it has not for me anyways.
Look to the sweet memories. Bless you!
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Nov 9, 2007 17:26:52 GMT -5
Dear Brycesdad, I am so very sorry for your loss of your wonderful son. I will never understand how anyone can do these horrific things. I can remember that black rage coursing through me at first, so much I too could hardly even think of anything else. It frightened me at first because I did not know that I could feel rage like that, or anger so very overwhelming. For months on end, it seemed the only way I could think of anything else was when I was working. When I would force myself to think of the work (so that I could do it), finally it would leave my mind for at least a little while. I have known many murder victim survivors who have experienced this, so I am hoping you can find at least some very small consolation in that you are not alone. It is not an unnatural reaction at all, at least, as much as it stinks to be living through it. It took time, but no it did not have that kind of hold on me forever. Like some others, I have gone to more than one therapist. The first one did nothing for me - she did not have the experience for this kind of trauma. When I found one who had experience treating trauma disorders, and who used cognitive behavioral methods, then I finally found someone who was able to really help me. I have always wished I could try the REM therapy too, as I have heard Ani and others say it really helped them, but I have never found one I could go to for that. I also went to murder victim survivor support groups. I think that helped me as much as any therapist did, to be able to talk to people who knew how this felt. This place is good for that too. Writing out my feelings was something I did a LOT of. That gave me a way to vent, even when there was no one to listen at the time. The best natural tension reliever for myself that I found is very simple - walking, walking, walking. If I walked at least 30 minutes or so a day whenever I could, that helped me some too. If I could walk out in nature it seemed to help even more. I did not take any medication at all for over 2 years, I was determined to try without it for some reason. After over 2 years the therapist finally convinced me to try anti-depressants. All I can say is I wish I had done it sooner. They took some time to build up enough in my system to really help, but the whole world changed thanks to the proper medication. So many of my PTSD symptoms are only once in a while now, instead of every day. But please know that as unreal as it is right now, you are not abnormal. This is unfortunately a natural human reaction that is to be expected. We should never had to have to deal with this horror; it should never have been real. Of course it seems unreal and totally overwhelming. But there are things that can help with time. When we are overwhelmed with this grief, sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves too. Start with the basics, remembering to eat, at least laying down and resting even if you cannot sleep, remembering to hug the loved ones we still have with us and holding onto each other. These were a start for me, and will help you to stay healthy enough to find the right therapist or support group, or to do whichever of the things you decide might be what will help you. There is a lot of information in threads like these. I used to find them mind boggling at first. Better to take one step at a time. My heart goes out to you more than I know how to say. I wish I could be there to just hold your hand and listen to your fury, rage and sorrow. There are many of us here who wish the same. Janet
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Post by brycesdad on Nov 13, 2007 8:05:21 GMT -5
Thank you all for your kind words and responses. I have been looking for a new counselor and I hope I find one. I have started to write my feeling down on paper and it does seem to help, some. I continue to read your posts from the past on the present, to gain insight on how I can help myself cope with Bryce's loss. God I miss him so, each and everyday.
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Post by taterfay on Nov 13, 2007 18:11:55 GMT -5
Hi there:
I am so sorry about Bryce. This shock is so fresh and new for you. I was in almost a "fog" for the first couple of months after my sister was murdered. Just do the best you can and take it day by day. I , too, take meds and I think you should stay on them as long as you need to...and I hope you find a new counselor (perhaps one that specializes in grief counseling)...Is it possible for you to take any time off of work? I eventually had to do that as being at work didn't help me any at all...and some of the people were totally unsympathetic...take care of yourself. Writing helps me tons..I've written letters to my sister and scathing letters to her murderer..and I've kept a journal/diary for a long time. Also: Don't feel like you always have to be strong...let other people help you, take care of you, etc...you can't get through this alone..I hope you have a lot of friends/family to support you!! I wish you all the best and hope you continue to come back here...just realize that almost anything you feel is a normal part of grieving...and if anybody ever tells you to "move on with your life" or "isn't it time you were over this?" completely ignore them..they have no clue. For me, the pain isn't as raw but it will always be in my heart. big hugs! Stacey
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Post by tamècasmom on Nov 14, 2007 15:28:00 GMT -5
Brycesdad,
As I read your posts today I came to the conclusion you are one strong individual. It is so very sad that you had to find this site and then there is the blessing that this site is here, I am glad you found this haven on earth for MVS.
Brycesdad, unfortunately you are now on the worse roller-coaster ride of your life, this is true for so many reasons. Some of the reasons this ride is hell, 1) your on this ride because your loved one was murdered 2) the ride is not at an amusement park 3) the ride came to you 4) you never wanted to ride 5) you never know when your ride might take a dip 5) you can never get off the ride no matter how long you been riding. There are days the ride is worse than others unfortunately you will ride everyday.
Don’t know how to tell you to arrive at this but YOU ARE NOT THE BLAME and I pray one day you realize this because it is the TRUTH.
Please remember you are here because you are a MVS and survive you will.
Another MVS
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