BethMariansChild
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Post by BethMariansChild on May 24, 2003 21:11:17 GMT -5
Hello,
I was not aware of the Murder in the Family Board until the move to the new boards occurred. I wish I had known about it earlier. I stopped posting to the MVS board for a while because I didn't feel safe from prying eyes, judgmental minds, and curious onlookers.
My Mother was murdered by my Stepmonster. I lived with the knowledge that he shot his first wife, that he was abusing *all* of the children in addition to my Mother, and his drunken depravity for 13 years. I hated him then, and I hate him now. I have little understanding for people who "love" the ones who murder their Mothers.
I cannot really identify with feeling the loss of a father. My Daddy died in a car accident when I was five years old. He was a Golden Gloves champion and got one head injury too many, I guess. He had "blackout spells", I'm told. Apparently, he lost consciousness while driving and veered into the path of an oncoming refrigerated truck. He was driving an English Ford. For those who don't know what that is, I can only say it is a tiny little sports car. He was killed instantly.
My Mother was 29 years old. I was 5. My brother was an infant less than a year old. My Mother had a nervous breakdown. She was unable to work in her chosen field as an executive secretary due to severe hearing loss secondary to the anesthetic they gave her when my brother was born. So, she had two small children and no visible means of support. Her career with White Lily Flour and the Tennessee Valley Authority were just distant memories.
Then she met Stepmonster. I saw him once before they got married. People did things like that to children in the 50s. They were hardly "happy days" for me. Less than a year later, they were married, and she was expecting her first child. Eleven months after he was born, the second son of their unholy union was born. Eighteen months after that, the third demon seed was spawned. The beatings began early. She was trapped. In the early 60s there was no birth control. The words "domestic violence" had not yet been uttered in mainstrream media. We lived a dark existence in our five bedroom, three bath, family room and attached carport native stone home. Money does not buy the best things in life. It certainly didn't for us.
The tale that ensues from there is a morbid one. It has all the elements of a horror story: wife battering, rape, physical child abuse, sexual child abuse, severe psychological abuse of both wife and children, animal abuse, and many other forms of cruelty and moral depravity. I have never told anyone all of it. No one would believe it.
He did all this and drove his brand, new Cadillac. I got nauseous *every* time I had to look directly at him. This never changed in 13 years.
I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. It is probably more than you wanted to know. I just know that I could never have said these things on the other board. I would always hear (in my mind's ear) the sniffing and throat-clearing of some sanctimonious person or another who felt that their victim was really innocent. I don't believe I could have stood to answer another question like,"Why didn't she just leave?" or "Why didn't she have her tubes tied?" I think I would have let anyonejust "have it" who dared say anything remotely related to that to me. I've heard it many, many, many times in the 32 years since my Mother was shot six time and murdered.
I still have a lot of anger. I still have bitterness. If you don't, that's fine. I simply believe that anger and bitterness toward someone who murders your Mother (and tortures her and you and your siblings)a rational response. Yes, I said "rational". It is sheer madness to feel anything else.
I am not a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim. I will not pray to anyone's father. I have a religion, thank you very much. There are no fathers in it. It meets my needs and brings me serenity and has allowed me to live these last 25 years in relative peace. I do not begrudge you if your religion works for you. I just get tired of having to pay homage to your fathergod at every Candlelight Vigil...every memorial page for murder victims...every time there is any mention of death or dying. I know you are only doing what you know to do, but I still resent it many times. Sometimes I can overcome those feelings and just accept the sentiments as they are intended, but at other times I wonder what you would do if I reciprocated?
I hope there are no people on this board except survivors and friends. I hope the professionals from law enforcement and the other "helping" professions are not here. If they are, I will likely be quiet once again.
I just thought for once, I would have my say.
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For Teofilo
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I lost My best friend to an unsolved murder.
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Post by For Teofilo on May 26, 2003 15:43:08 GMT -5
I dont know if you are interested or not, but my mom who lives in Australia gave me a book called "the bean patch" it is a true story slightly similiar to yours more so the abusive father less so in her mother did not die but she did for a while anyway. I dont know if it would help or hurt that is why i tried to outline the story in a simple manner. As far as religion I am of the "mainstream" but I chose it at 25 and I promise not to preach quote or try to convert you. Just know that we are not all hypocrits and sheep! I am truly sorry for your loss mine is more separated than yours but I have studied ciminal justice and have learned of the given "reasons " women stay with men like that and it has nothing to do with your mother on ow she died she did not chose it nor did she ask for it. Know that there are some that although not touched by that particular form of evil do not judge the victim. I thought of thoughts of console like living in the 50s was different..... but you are wereever you are with this and I could never guess why your mother was there I could never come close but know that she did not chose to die this way no matter what decisions she made prior. I also am tired of victim blaming. Her short was so short she deserved it..... I am sure you know that women often leave an abuser at least 7 times before doing it for good but many never do. Why?? well really it should not matter when dealing with this and I apologize for those who made you spend time on this instead of properly greiving your mom. She deserves no less, nobody does. I hope I have not frightened you away and I really hope I didn't hurt you or make you angry. I have not been through you life so my insights are truly outsights but I hope that I at least convinced you that there are those of us out there that just need to find solace and peace and do not care how otheres find it as long as they do.
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Post by John on May 27, 2003 16:44:37 GMT -5
To Beth Marian's daughter: I read your story. I felt like you really expressed yourself in the way you wanted to. The way that felt healthy and fulfilling to you.
I enjoyed reading it (insomuch as anyone "enjoys" reading anything with such deep pain and suffering). I took it for the courageous piece that it was, and the expose of evil that the story explained. I wish it was fiction and not your real life story. Like you said, "no one would believe it."
As for responses: I guess most people respond from their persepective and how they think they might react, or what has worked for them. I realize that's not always helpful for someone that's really hurting, but they are probably trying to be helpful and enter into this dark event with you.
Another really sad thing is that the ending probably defines your mother's existence in a lot of people's minds. That's not true at all. I'm sure she was a wonderful women that had many great attributes. Maybe sometime, if you feel like it, you can share some memories about your mom.
Sometimes I can overcome those feelings and just accept the sentiments as they are intended, but at other times I wonder what you would do if I reciprocated?
Hopefully be an overcomer just like you are.
Thanks for sharing.
John
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Post by Karen-Jamie's Mom on May 27, 2003 20:29:29 GMT -5
Beth, I feel I am invading your privacy on this board, so please forgive me. I can not know your experience, but I offer my sincere empathy. Just to let you know, I would never judge you or your mother. I work daily with women who live with abusive husbands. I know that their ability to leave is taken from them in many, many ways. It's physcological warfare and no one has the right or the ability to say what they would do in that situation. They just don't know the horror of it unless they have lived it. As for your religious( or lack of) beliefs, I am a Christian, but I do not judge other religions, even those that aren't thought to be mainstream, such as Wicca and so forth. Not one of us living has all the answers, that will come after death. So, if I've offended or added to your resentment with my request for prayers, I'm sorry. Just know, that whoever you send prayer to is fine by me.
I will not be visiting this board again. It is your safe place. I was checking out all of the features of the site and came across your post. I couldn't pass it by without letting you know that even though I haven't walked in your shoes, I understand your frustration with those who would blame your mother for what was done to her.
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BethMariansChild
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Post by BethMariansChild on May 29, 2003 14:32:25 GMT -5
...a book called "the bean patch" Thanks for the heads up. I'll go to one of my favorite bookstores and look for it. I am slow at reading because of my visual impairment, but this sounds like something that might be worth the effort. I truly appreciate that. I promise not to try to convert you, too. :) You know, it really does help to hear that even though my loss was officially 32 years ago. I still feel it daily. That is really good to hear. Oh, yes. I'm tired of that...*very* tired of that. You haven't. Thank you for caring and taking the time to respond to me. I really do appreciate it.
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BethMariansChild
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Post by BethMariansChild on May 29, 2003 14:42:16 GMT -5
Dear John,
Your comment about what I wrote being courageous made me think twice. I didn't feel courageous when I wrote it, but it is nice of you to say that.
I do hope that I can be accepted here as a person who has their own religious beliefs and have mine respected as I respect the views of others. It is hard sometimes coming from the heart of the Bible belt as I do. Christianity is intertwined with Appalachian culture to the point that one cannot attend any public event without having to pretend to pray to someone else's god. I simply am refusing to do so now. No one seems to notice anyway.
Maybe we can all learn from each other how to be more tolerant.
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BethMariansChild
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Post by BethMariansChild on May 29, 2003 15:03:38 GMT -5
Karen,
I don't feel that you have invaded at all. I really didn't have any expectation of privacy, just a hope that those who come to this board will be respectful of victims and all the feelings that are so overwhelming in the aftermath of murder...the feelings that often linger years...sometimes decades...sometimes forever. I appreciate your empathetic response and feel warmed by your kindness.
Thanks so much for your insights and your sweet response to my ramblings.
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mharo
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Post by mharo on Jun 16, 2003 16:08:08 GMT -5
my mother was also shot and killed by my father as she slept, the stigma of the question, why did she not leave, she left once before only to be stalked by my father for 2 years, and threatened numerous times that she would be killed if she did not return to him. Something i was not aware of until after her murder. she was brought to the catholic church to be counseled by the priest and where my father promised before God that he would not repeat his abusive actions. I am still fighting to keep him in prison, I was his youngest child. The pain he inflicted can never be taken back. But all i can do now is keep being the thorn in his side for the rest of his life. and keep my mother's memory alive. no one can ever bring her back, but there can never take her love and memories away from you. I pray that you find peace in your heart and realize you are not alone in your grief.. mary h
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BethMariansChild
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Post by BethMariansChild on Jun 17, 2003 12:20:16 GMT -5
Mary,
First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you lost your precious Mother. It is hard to lose anyone, but Mothers are truly special. You only get one in this old life and to have her taken from you in such a horrible way is truly tragic. I send you healing energies from my heart and strengthening energies to empower you to do the important work required to keep her murderer in prison. If there is anything I can do I will help in any way I can.
My Mother was also counseled back into the abusive situation in which she died by Dr. Wade Darby who was then the pastor of the First Baptist Church in Jefferson City, TN. I hope he rots in hell. The last I heard he was heading up whatever bureacratic entity oversees all the nursing homes owned by the SBC. Religion is a big business, you know.
As far as why they don't leave...does anyone ever consider the proven statistic that a woman who leaves her abuser is 75% more likely to die as a result of her courageous act? No...I think the simplistic minds just believe they can walk away with no problems if only they would just get up and do it. <sigh>
As far as stalking goes...here in Tennessee, the first offense gets the perpetrator a whopping 10 days in jail. Second offense gets him a whole 30 days. That is hardly worth going to court. In many cases, it would only serve to fuel the fire of their wrath with dire consequences for the victim.
I appreciate your response. We are not alone here. That is a wonderful feeling.
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Post by Charlene on Jun 20, 2003 9:27:58 GMT -5
Karen, your situation is what I would consider to be a "murder in the family". Not that you were a blood relation to the murderer but she was certainly part of your extended family, via her relationship with Jamie. I hope you will post your story on this board and let others know what you have been through - it is certainly not unique and you might be able to help others who are in similar circumstances. Beth, I feel I am invading your privacy on this board, so please forgive me.
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Post by Kitty on Jul 7, 2003 20:19:45 GMT -5
Hi sweetie, I am sorry to hear about your terrible loss. Losing a mother is the worst thing that can happen to a child! But losing her the way you did is far beyond even that! You have been through so much! I wish I could hold you, stroke your pretty face, and tell you that your mother would not want your life ruined with hate and rage, even though you have good reason to always feel those things. What is so sad about experiencing such trauma, all the abuse you have had and witnessed (and witnessing abuse is a form of abuse too), is that it leaves us with deep scars that seem to never go away! The pain is much too deep! Unfortunately, we continue to suffer and we cheat ourselves out of the love, nurturing, and trust in others we so badly need and deserve! We can become so filled with rage that it consumes our life, our heart, and our soul. You have every reason to do that, but it is your own precious life that is being wasted. I wonder where you turn to find peace? Have you had any peace since all this happened? Do you have other family members or close friends you can talk and talk and talk about these things? Have you received counseling? I would be happy to be your friend. I am a mom and I have experienced something similar. I want you to save yourself from a lifetime of pain. I know you have turned your back on God. That is understandable. But He did not cause these things, your stepmonster did. Too often bad things happen to very good people. Would you like to talk more? I send you a heartful of love and sympathy, and I wish only good things for you for the rest of your life! --Kitty
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BethMariansChild
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Post by BethMariansChild on Jul 7, 2003 20:45:42 GMT -5
KItty,
I do not find your attitude to be helpful at all. I have One who comforts me. She has afforded me much peace in the 32 years since my Mother died.
I am loved and cherished by those around me. I do not live my days in hate and rage. You have insulted me with your assumptions. I seriously doubt you are a murder victim survivor...and because of that I wish that you would no longer address any posts to me.
Thank you,
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Post by gfreely on Dec 11, 2003 15:09:55 GMT -5
It is sad to see so many variations of the same horrific story. Each equally as horrid, each unique to those involved. My "step-father" shot my mother 3 times in front of me when I was 11. I was told later on that he had said that he stopped himself from shooting me too. My mother went through several years of regular beatings at the hands of this hell-monger. And to answer the question before it is even asked...she was right in the middle of her plan for us to escape, despite his death threats if she left. And I would also like to say that I am right there with you regarding faith/religion, Beth...I myself am a Deist. It took many years of dealing with all my Christian family/friends telling me to have faith and pray to come to the realisation that I have my own beliefs. I am tolerant/respectful of everyone else's, they WILL be tolerant/respectful of mine....or hit the road....those of us who have had family members murdered (ESPECIALLY by OTHER family members) know how short life can be. May we all find peace in our own way, at our own pace. I am still hurting after almost 25 years and haven't completely come to terms with my ordeal. Peace and plenty, GF
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Post by Amber on Jun 12, 2004 19:22:33 GMT -5
I loved my pets like the family I never had.
We lived in a religiously mormon community. For whatever reason, ethics/standards/status quo we took care of this beautiful older gent. He stayed with us. Then he stayed next door in our family owned home, and we still took care of him.
Then a family member cut off his oxygen supply, and wouldn't let me get help.
Then "it/they" left him there until someone else noticed.
Sex abuse started about this time
Then "it/they" pretended to not know when the neighbors sniffed out the body.
Now comes the animal abuse and unrelentless soul abuse. I know you know what I mean.Years.
Ever read "A child called IT" ? I read it once, dont know the author, the theme is the same. Gods I miss that old guy.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jun 13, 2004 6:03:27 GMT -5
Dear Amber, I've also read "A Child Called It". The author is Dave Pelzer. You may also want to read "The Lost Boy" by him. He's also written other stuff I haven't read. I found those books VERY inspiring, in that it's amazing all he's overcome without being full of hate, bitterness and self-pity. He works helping others like him through his books and speaking when he could have self-destructed or just felt sorry for himself and done nothing to get better. I love reading books about people who don't let trauma destroy them. I'm very sorry about your neighbor and all that happened. Take care-Laura
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