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Post by Kitty on Nov 25, 2003 17:12:53 GMT -5
after reading the posts on this board i feel very lonely. i really am having a hard time finding others to relate to. my mother was killed by my father in june '03 but unlike the other posters on this board i love and support him. i even testified on his behalf in court. my father is an exceptional man and my parents suffered for years. my mother had mental illness. she had schizoeffective disorder. when he killed her she had slipped into the worst episode. i myself had heard her ask him to promise that he wouldn't put her in another institution and he did. i can't say i don't wish that it didn't happen that i don't want her in my life. my father is in prison for the next 2 years. we have been fighting to get that sentence shortened. i find myself depressed and lonely. thats all thanks for reading.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 25, 2003 19:28:25 GMT -5
Dear Kitty, I'm very sorry for the losses you've had. I have felt like you continue to in 1 way, as my familys' case is similar (I hope I spelled that right!) to yours. My Mom murdered my Dad. She had manic depression that she refused to get treated. Her own Dad had it, and she had seen him committed when she was very young and never got over it. She told me all the time she was terrified she'd get committed. It ended up this way. She was found incompetent to be tried. I did feel hate for her, believe me, at times, but the love I had for her never stopped. When she wasn't in the depressive stage of the illness she could be great. I miss those times very much. I know now you can love and hate a person. My brother was her guardian while she was in the state hospital and he'd go see her regularly and did what he could to make her stay there better. I only saw her once, but I did write and call. At that point in time that was all I could cope with. I wish if I'd been able to cope more like my brother. While all of us felt that she belonged in the hospital and couldn't have the same relationship with us after what she did, we didn't completely turn on her. There was love there for all the good times, not that there was a lot of those all the time. The fact that my family didn't just completely "write her off" I'm sure is impossible for some to understand. Actually, having the state of mind where you see it all in black and white terms, "they're all bad guys through and through", is the easier way to live. But, it's not the most rewarding, and it's a way to stop understanding of other people and other things. My Mom did have some evil in her, it wasn't just her mental illness why she did it, but that was a part. She was bitter and angry towards her family and refused to resolve that, and she was verbally abusive to my Dad and to me and my brothers. But, she also had goodness in her, which was evidenced over time, too. I know the good part of her was the part that was very, very guilt-stricken after she did it. Anyway, if I sound preachy here, please bear with me. I really identified with your post and felt I had to answer. I wish you well and if you ever need to talk to anyone, please e-mail me. Take care-Laura, pumpkin12903@aol.com
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Post by Snowleopard on Nov 26, 2003 2:47:47 GMT -5
This is tough for me to say for while I do understand the feeling somewhat, I am baring a part of me that is supposition.
My family is one of dedicated service to the State and honor and growing up, there was a number of general, unwritten themes. Such as it is understandable if a parent steals to feed their family, that if a family member were murdered and the killer identified, the odds were they would not reach the court house, and a justification for killing those who legally took the state service benefits of others, took them without having taken the risk to earn them. And there was also an overriding enforcement to honor that if I was not honorable, someone may be coming after me.
After all, what should one think when it was heard more than once that, due to my martial art skills, that if they (the family member) were to come after me, they would do so with a baseball bat. That may have been meant as a compliment, but one grows up watching the indicators, comtemplating possible scenarios, ready to shift to full combat mode in a blink of an eye.
As such, it is not such an outlandish (after various calculations) thought that one or the other member may decide to remove another over issues of money. As a primary defender of the family, they would probably have to go thru me first.
Which comes down to this. I will (would probably) defend other family members against an agressive family member but if those who I would defend were gone, then it is likely that I would drop my guard, not engage, and allow my sister to strike me down.
The related point is that I love her, I don't want to lose her, and if it is just me and her, then I think I'm willing to let her destroy me as oppose to me her, but if there are others to defend, then I would have to stop her. Love in issues where evil exists does not make for peacful thinking. ------------------------ ("I would think it means that she wishes you to dine with her. I'd take my own wine if I were you!"--Herod, "I, Cladius")
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Post by bethanie on Jan 21, 2004 22:31:36 GMT -5
i feel alone too.i dont think ppl can relate to me and i cant trust ppl now and i cant cry about it cause i feal ashamed and i feal like im half of a bad person(my dad who violently killed my mom when i was 6)and that that makes me a bad person.And i feal like i should see my dad and i feal like i shouldnt.i dont know what to do and i need advice soon.i have all this *deleted* inside me and i need to do something with it before i have like a mental breakdown.so can someone please try to help me out here as soon as possible.please. -marie-
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Post by bethanie on Jan 21, 2004 22:33:18 GMT -5
marie is my nick name which i like to be called by(middle name)
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Post by Pumpkin12903 on Jan 22, 2004 15:04:54 GMT -5
Dear Marie, I'm so sorry about your parents. I know the shame you feel. I feel it sometimes, too, 13 years later after my Mom murdered my Dad. I don't tell people what happened to me until after I've known them a while and see if they're trustworthy. I've told my story to other victims and others who aren't victims and they treated me different afterward, with fear and hesitancy, with less friendliness than before. As long as I live I'll never completely understand this. BUT, I HAVE met some victims and those who aren't who DID NOT treat me different. Thank God for those people! It makes me hurt and angry. But, what I've done to help with these feelings is to look at the facts: I'm not my Mom, I'm her child. I didn't do what she did. It's up to me to not end up like her. The fear and hesitancy by others is really their problem. This helps me. I also have a VERY hard time trusting anyone. But, when I just meet people and think the worst, I keep the fears to myself, and tell myself in my mind to NOT write them off unless they do me wrong, to not read the worst into the situations. This holding back has helped. I learned these thinking patterns in therapy. Therapy saved my mind. It's wonderful to have someone objective to talk to that you can say anything to, and get advice from a person who is an expert in human behavior and relations. I hope this information will help you. I struggle with thinking the worst of everyone and the shame feelings on a regular basis, but I feel the techniques I use really help me from having them affect my life in an even worse way. Please don't give up. Do you belong to any victims' support groups? They can be a great help. They did help me a lot, and the few that I ran into that treated me different were a very small bad part of a much bigger, greater whole. In other words, 95% of the experience was great and helpful. I hope I don't sound preachy here! If I do, bear with me! I hope this helps. Take care.
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Post by brandy on Jan 25, 2004 0:26:45 GMT -5
i am writing in response to your post, i am so sorry for your loss, but would like to tell you that your not alone, in 95' i lost my mother, friend and my father. My father shot and killed my mother, her "friend" and then commited suicide. I've been made an outcase and been called several names becuase i would never disrespect my father. I loved him and i still love him with all my heart though he pulled the trigger, myself nor anyone has the right to judge what he was going through and what he felt at that moment, he put an end to an awful awful mess that was going on and i cannot blame him for that, i visit his grave when i can and cry for him still today, i pride myself on looking like him and having the same ambitions he once had, he's my father he gave me life, he gave me my last name and i love him. please remember that your situation is yours and its yours alone, no one can judge the way you feel, you are special and unique and you are a great person for lookin past the bad and reaching for the good dont ever forget that. i've realized that i would gladly suffer the ridicule of being the outcast for my father becuase he would do the same for me. please know these are only my opinions but on some levels i can relate and maybe that will help, may God bless you always
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Post by pumpkin12903 on May 18, 2004 19:03:50 GMT -5
Dear Brandy, I'm sorry my reply to your post is so late. I've thought of your post since I read it. I think it's very wrong that you've been an outcast due to the fact that you love your Dad. I know how you feel with this. While I did feel hate for my Mom, especially the 1st few years after she did it, I felt love for her always and still do. I know now that you can love and hate a person. I did feel that due to the seriousness of what she did that I could never live with her again and felt she needed to be in the mental hospital (where she was committed to), and I was very afraid of her, but the love was always there. When she was in certain states of the manic depression she could be normal acting. I miss those times very much. She taught me about movies and other things. She encouraged me to read all the time while growing up. I think it's very wrong and sad what you've been through. I'm very happy, though, that you won't give up your love because of the black and white thinking of others. It always amazes me HOW do people think all murder cases are the same, ie., all perpetrators are evil monsters with no remorse and kill them all??!! HOW do you judge like that when you've never even read about the case or anything, you just hear it on the news or something? God help us all if we are wrongly accused and we have no rights like people want, ie., kill them all, etc. I hope you're doing well and sorry it took me so long to answer you. I think you're very brave and am very glad you're not letting the black and white thinking rule over your life or anything. Take care-Laura
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