Debbie
First-time poster
Posts: 1
|
Post by Debbie on Feb 5, 2004 8:20:12 GMT -5
After spending the night surfing the internet and no websites that I could relate to, I stumbled upon this one. And even now I feel like a trespasser tramping through your sacred place. So please forgive me if my ramblings are not suitable for this support group… I guess I need to offload or I feel like my head and my heart will burst.
Reading through others painful messages has reduced me to tears. Not because of painful memories (although they are there) but because they made me realise the depth of my selfishness.
I could never understand what it would be like to lose someone I love to murder so you see, I don’t really belong here. I’m not a surviving victim – I guess you would call me an ‘offender’ by association. My brother shot and killed his partner, Deidre, on January 4th last year. I didn’t know her well, I had only met her a handful of times. His trial is coming up shortly and I’m filled with mixed emotions. He took an innocent life, claiming insanity was to blame. Her son, 18 at the time, saw his mother’s headless body and must live with that image for the rest of his life. Yet I am sitting here, struggling to come to grips with this - when you all have had to deal with the emotional turmoil of loving and losing not only the victim, but the person responsible. I feel selfish that I can’t get over this – there are people who’ve been through worse.
But I can’t and I just don’t understand, no matter how hard I try. How can someone do this to another??
|
|
|
Post by Linda on Feb 8, 2004 8:08:02 GMT -5
Hello Debbie, I have never looked at this part of the site before either as I am generally on just the murder victims site but you are not an offender by association. What your brother did is a horrible thing and he should be punished for it not you, especially don't punish yourself! This is the thing when you have to deal with murder from any side. The murderer creates victims all around. The man that murdered my daughters created victims of his daughters also. I could see that at the trial but there was little I could do about it except to offer a hug now and again. I don't know how or why people can do this to other people except to say that their thought processes aren't the same as ours. I don't believe insanity is a good defense either but it is used anyway. We are all selfish in our feelings with our own personal tragedy's and that is perfectly normal. Do not beat yourself up about it and whatever you do, know that you are not personally to blame for what someone else does. It is obviously terribly hard for the other family and it is also natural to blame everyone and everything related to the murderer, but try to let them know somehow that you don't condone anything that your father has done. I'm sorry for what your brother has done. not only to the victim and their family but also to his own. What he did ruined everyone's life, that can be seen in your words. I hope you can come to terms with this eventually and that the victims family will eventually find some sort of peace. What a terrible tragedy.
|
|
Lisa
Newbie
Posts: 7
|
Post by Lisa on Feb 9, 2004 12:51:12 GMT -5
Of course you belong here. I felt the exact same way, when I stumbled onto this site. My father is the murderer. I knew the woman he killed, but was not related. The people here are so understanding, and very helpful. I'm truley sorry you have to go through what you are. I'm in my second year of dealing with all of this. If you would like to talk more my e-mail address is unknown200215@yahoo.com, and we can support each other in this situation. I have also found no web-sites to where the family of the murderer, is supported(except this one). Most people assume you are as heartless as the murderer. Anyway, if you'd like to talk e-mail me, I totally understand.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 9, 2004 17:29:44 GMT -5
Dear Lisa, thanks for your great post. I know, this is the only site I've found that supports the survivors of inter-family murder. I've read up on statistics and found that murder where the victims and perpetrators are related are the MOST common murders in this country. Where then, is the specific support, besides this board? I'm getting on my soapbox (once again!) but I'm convinced there's a very WRONG stigma that's there that causes the survivors to feel shame, embarrassment, etc. I've experienced it myself. I'm hoping to get some other type of support started, and have 1 idea. I hope to get to it this year. Last year I moved to another city for work, etc., so it was a very hectic, stressful year. This year has been calmer, so far! I once had a medical doctor tell me "I hope you don't ever get mad at me" when I related my history, which is my Mother killed my Dad and Grandma. My medical condition was stress related so I felt I had to give the full history as I knew it was a strong possibility that the stress was a contributor. I remember not answering, I just felt so angry and defeated. Thank you so much for speaking out on this, yes, I agree 100% with you that there are those out there who find their lives the easiest and safest by thinking in only black and white terms that the relative/friend, etc. of a perpetrator will probably be violent, too. My family is proof that it's not always true. None of us who are still living have any history of violence. There's the remarks made and the reserve and hesitation you get treated with once you say who the perpetrator was. I've very sorry about what's happened to you and wish you the best. Take care-Laura
|
|
Lisa
Newbie
Posts: 7
|
Post by Lisa on Feb 13, 2004 15:42:38 GMT -5
Dear Laura, thanks for the response. I appreciate it. So, if you don't mind my asing what is the idea you were thinking about? Oh, and I can't believe that doctor said that to you. What was he thinking? So, do you talk to your mom? I have just recently told my father that I can no longer talk to him because it was dragging me down. I was so depressed. I was definately feeling guilty because I always believed in unconditional love, but then I was reading all of the letters my dad sent and I knew he wasn't taking responsibility for it. He was drunk at the time and he blamed it on his addiction(how conveniently he admitted he had one then). Then I thought that if it were anyone else who had done this I would be rid of them, and just because he had the tilte as "father" that I should stick around and confort him. I couldn't do it anymore, my children needed me to let it go, and it's been easier since. My sister still talks to him, and I'm ok with that though. She needs to do what is best for her. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Thanks again. Lisa.
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Mar 17, 2004 18:34:07 GMT -5
Dear Lisa, sorry for the late reply! I've been catching up on some things lately. The ideas I have for other support are a website specifically for those who have had a family member murdered by another family member or a friend murdered by a friend, etc., etc. Also, an in-person support group for this specific people. I'm curious, what do you think of these ideas? I'm very sorry about all that's happened with your Dad. I understand about the need to let go. To answer your question about my Mom, yes, I did talk to her. She died in 1997 (right around the anniversary of the murders) in the state mental hospital where she was committed for being incompetent to be tried. I did see her once. It got me so upset and hurt that I didn't see her in person again. I was also terrified of her to be honest. I did call a few times, she would always hang up on me after not saying much. She was very, very guilt-ridden whe she wasn't in the psychotic state of mind and that time I did see her she could barely look at me. I also wrote her a few times and she didn't reply. I hope some day your Dad will take accountability, I really do. While I agree that alcohol loosens our inhibitions to where we do things we didn't do sober, you are still accountable for using that alcohol to begin with. I'm an AA member and am very thankful that AA stresses this, and also making amends, changing yourself, etc. Personally, I find anyone who doesn't take accountability for using the alcohol and then doing wrong things hard to take. I think there's an epidemic of this type of thinking, to be honest and it bothers me a lot. If I'm preachy sounding, please bear with me! I understand how you said you had to break off the contact with your Dad for your own peace of mind. I still have some conflict with my brother who was my Mom's guardian, as he saw her at least every few months. He was able to handle it, but a little part of me is bothered by that. I just couldn't do what he did. But, the good news is the conflict between us is getting smaller over time. I'm very glad you found this group, I know it's helped me a lot. I hope you're doing well and take care-Laura
|
|
|
Post by katrinat on May 12, 2004 17:29:53 GMT -5
Debbie, I understand completely why you feel 'guilt by association'. My 16 yr old nephew shot and killed his mother, my sister while she was sleeping on the couch of their house. For a while I felt so much sympathy for HIM :-/ if you can beleive that. I felt that somewhere his parents must have done something, big or small, to make a 16 yr old child kill his mother and attempt to kill his father. I was so scared of him going to an Adult Prison. I felt he needed help. With time, and therapy as I got over the trauma of seeing my sisters blood splattered all over the walls, I realized he wasn't a victim! We were. Just as your brother has made you a victim, probably unintentionally, but yes you are also a victim. If you feel scared, and have sympathy for your brother, that's ok. You love him just as I still love my nephew. Though I do not trust my nephew, obviously for good reason.#nosmileys
|
|