Post by pumpkin12903 on Aug 14, 2004 8:23:04 GMT -5
Tomorrow is the sadiversary of my Dad, Carl, and Grandma, Valda. It happened in 1990. I actually did better yesterday than I did last year. I didn't have any full blown panic attacks as I did last year. I did have components of the attacks on and off, and I feel a sadness that nothing seems to relieve. And a loss, and wish I could be the person I am now and go back in time and maybe I could have done more. Dealing with this last issue I've been doing the past few years with professional help. I thank God for the 2 psychologists I've seen. Both of them have been a tremendous help and they truly care. This board has also. I want to thank all on this board. I'm still alcohol free on this sadiversary. While I do admit I miss the feeling of being under the influence, the exchange for that isn't worth it anymore. The though of that old life makes me feel physically sick. It also stopped my recovery quite a bit, as I was in therapy and not telling my doctor I was drinking. I know this post is probably rambling, but my concentration hasn't been good all week. I miss my Dad and Grandma every day. Even though my Mom was the one who killed them, I miss her, too. I miss the times when her mental illness wasn't as strong and in those times she was great. Near the end the manic depression was worse and worse and there were few good times. The stigma against the mentally ill makes me furious, my Mom felt it and let it get to her, but then it's very hard NOT to let it get to you. I find myself feeling shame over having panic disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder because of these events. But, I pretty much keep it to myself. If anyone asks if I have anything like these I tell them. I now have more of a sense that this isn't any shortcoming on my part, but the results of trauma. As long as I'm doing all I can to get well (and I have been) I know it's OK. I think the more people that speak out and reach out, like on this board, the less our shame will be and the more recovery we'll get. Thanks for listening to my rambling post! Thanks again to all on this board for your support. When I get my website up, I'll let you know on here. I've given myself a deadline of September/October. Thanks again and take care-Laura