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Post by banjosgirl on Dec 27, 2004 15:51:53 GMT -5
This is my first post here.
My husband was murdered 1 year, 1 month, 3 weeks and 2 days ago by his brother in our home. Then the murderer killed himself.
At first friends and family surrounded me. IF I came into contact with someone who did not know about my husband’s death, there was usually someone to explain so that I wouldn’t have to.
As time passes I find myself in more situations where the person or people I’m talking to don’t know the circumstances. The few times I’ve had to explain, by the time I’m finished, mouths are on the floor.
Here’s how it goes…
“My husband is deceased.” “Oh, I’m sorry. Was he sick?” “No, he was killed.” “Oh, I’m so sorry. Was it an accident?” “No, he was murdered.” “Oh no! Where? How?” “In our home. He was shot.” “How awful!! Who shot him?” “His brother.” “That’s terrible!!! Is he in jail?” “No, he killed himself as well.” “You’re kidding! Really?”
The trouble starts when people ask how he died. They’re not being rude, they’re trying to be sympathetic. But my story ends up sounding like a soap opera. One time I tried to abbreviate the explanation, and it ended up sounding like he might have committed suicide. I don’t want people to think that!
I really don’t mind telling people. I just don’t want to sound like I’m being dramatic.
Thank you for any suggestions.
cb
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Post by mattsma on Dec 27, 2004 18:41:16 GMT -5
hi Banjo & welcome,
I've only been a member here a few weeks. I'm not much of a talker, so this is a good place to vent. Hopefully someone else may benefit from one of your threads. We all have something in common here, so there is no need "to break the ice."
I can relate, when you say "what do I tell them ?" I lost my only son (Matt/19) 9 years ago, and when I meet someone new........how many kids?.......it's always one of the first questions asked.
Just say as much or as little, as you feel is necessary. Others will always be uncomfortable with your situation, no matter how much you tell them. Unless they've walked in your shoes (god forbid), they will never fully understand.
I can also relate to the "soap opera" thing. My son's father (29) died of pancreatic cancer 10 years before my son was murdered. Our house burnt down 17 months after my son died & a 21 year old friend of his died in the fire.
Do whatever is right for you. Don't worry about others thinking your are dramatic. What happened to you was very dramatic.
Take care of "You". b-safe deb
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Post by jc on Jan 6, 2005 8:17:26 GMT -5
i go through it myself.
my mother was murdered by my nephew, a drug addict. once the initial shock passed i realised that when i told people they were so affected that i was apologizing for telling them. i feel so uncomfortable saying my mom died. the reality is that she was brutally murdered, killed.
i feel what you are going through, i have actually been avoiding people that don't know by now. i just got a call from an old work associate and his assistant to wish me happy new year but have not returned it, i just don't want to shock them.
this is awful isn't it? people's lives just taken away from them. i used to think that if i had this or that, i would be happy and didn't realise that i had everything. because now i feel this darkness is in me always.
i actually have many things...people in my life to be grateful for but for my mother. i realise i am not alone in this, and pain is everywhere...look at all those people in the East Asia. i am learning to appreciate what i have because it may not last. i wish you well and i look.
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Post by wordup on Jan 6, 2005 15:27:22 GMT -5
hello jc. read your post, and i 'm relating to what you are saying. yet somethings are different , but all things come out to be the same, as you notice on this board,i guess this is the good thing about coming here, you really don't have to worrie about saying the wrong thing, we are all feeling something because of our loss, and you know it is true i find it hard or it just doesn't come out when i say, my grandson was murdered, which he was, instead i say he passed or something like that, another thing, i'm blessed to have a living mother, even tho she lives far away from me, yet i agree with you, when we look around us, we yet have so much to be thankful for, and because of what has happen and is happening to my family and i, i too am not taking life for granted, i too no what it is is to wake up one day, and right there, a life can be gone, anyway my prayers are with you and all that are in this thing with us. and may you gain that strenghth you need to go on and returen that phone call,
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Post by fideliaamora on Jan 7, 2005 1:55:55 GMT -5
my brother was murdered a year ago. his murderer (my mother) is charged with manslaughter. she was indicted in november, arrested in december, i found out 2 days ago.
for the last year i've been bombarded with questions about the hows and whys, i could only say "i don't know" bc of the laws. i knew what was going on (most of it atleast), but wasn't allowed to say. now i'm in the boat of "what can i say now, it's all over the news..." so i just say "she's been charged and this is all i want to talk about". if they are true friends/people, they should know to back off.
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Post by BlueArt on Feb 6, 2005 0:07:17 GMT -5
Hi, Banjosgirl...
Your question is a hard one...and the answer really might be different for everyone, and every situation where the story might present itself.
My Dad was murdered by my brother, who almost murdered my mother at the same time. I, too, get asked questions from time to time that open that door. For example, "Do you have siblings?" "How many?"
Although there is often a twinge of panic, I basically base my answer on the situation, and the person asking. If I don't trust them, or don't feel like sharing this kind of information, I just say I have one sibling (my other brother). If I do want to be open with them, I do say I have two, and if they ask where they are/what they do, I am honest about them - even the one in prison.
Hope that helps...hang in there!
BlueArt
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Post by shala on Mar 21, 2005 15:31:54 GMT -5
Hi Banjosgirl I fully understand where your coming from ...my husband was murdered 2 years ago by his brother and i still get all those questions but what i do now is just say if you want to know the information then look in the archives of the news paper because i cant bring myself to give the details. Everyone is different when it comes to this. I wish i had of had more support along the way but they dont have major groups like these boards in new zealand . god bless you
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Post by juli on Apr 14, 2005 19:46:49 GMT -5
I just saw this site and think it's fantastic. When my mother was brutally stabbed to death when I was 19 - it was by her live-in-partner who was a CID officer. He killed her because she knew too much about his shady dealings, and because he was a cop, he got protected by the cops and only served a lousy 5 months for manslaughter (15 reduced to 5 because of good behaviour and custody time). I'm now 45 years old, and have never ever been so alone in the world. My mum's family couldn't even look at me, because I reminded them too much of her, my dad was never in my life anyway, and my brother decided I was too much like my mum and couldn't have me in his life anymore. I have absolutely no one from my past anymore, no one to reminisce about my mum, no one to help keep her memory alive, nothing, no one. I am stuck in the year 1979, and I feel I will never be 'normal' again. I can't form healthy relationships at all, I had therapy but it didn't help. Unless the therapist knows what it's like to lose a mother that way, how can they possibly know how you feel? For me, my life is over. I cannot see a way past what happened, and I have nothing in my life to be grateful for. I have no one and it's really really scary. Even though it happened all that time ago, it might just as well have bene yesterday, because I'm still living in yesterday. I saw the blood in her little shop splattered everywhere, and the phone was hanging off the hook where she'd tried to ring for help, and bled to death instead. I didn't just lose my mum, I lost her whole family, they all closed ranks and I don't know of anyone in my position at all whose mum was murdered, and then got rejected by the whole family. I am so so sad, and I don't feel 'normal' at all. I have a few friends I socialise with, but they're so 'normal' and I'm not. The police told me in graphic detail what he did to her, and how he tortured her for half an hour before stabbing her 23 times. I feel my guts are being pulled out when I imagine the pain and fear she must have suffered knowing she was going to die, and I'd only just seen her minutes before when she was waving to me at the bus stop from outside her shop. How do people stop dwelling on the images? I try, I really do try, because it hurts so much when I imagine it, almost as if it's happening to me, but sometime the images just pop in and I get such a jolt it scares me. How do you stop the pictures? Juli
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Post by Juli on Apr 14, 2005 19:48:21 GMT -5
I just saw this site and think it's fantastic. When my mother was brutally stabbed to death when I was 19 - it was by her live-in-partner who was a CID officer. He killed her because she knew too much about his shady dealings, and because he was a cop, he got protected by the cops and only served a lousy 5 months for manslaughter (15 reduced to 5 because of good behaviour and custody time). I'm now 45 years old, and have never ever been so alone in the world. My mum's family couldn't even look at me, because I reminded them too much of her, my dad was never in my life anyway, and my brother decided I was too much like my mum and couldn't have me in his life anymore. I have absolutely no one from my past anymore, no one to reminisce about my mum, no one to help keep her memory alive, nothing, no one. I am stuck in the year 1979, and I feel I will never be 'normal' again. I can't form healthy relationships at all, I had therapy but it didn't help. Unless the therapist knows what it's like to lose a mother that way, how can they possibly know how you feel? For me, my life is over. I cannot see a way past what happened, and I have nothing in my life to be grateful for. I have no one and it's really really scary. Even though it happened all that time ago, it might just as well have bene yesterday, because I'm still living in yesterday. I saw the blood in her little shop splattered everywhere, and the phone was hanging off the hook where she'd tried to ring for help, and bled to death instead. I didn't just lose my mum, I lost her whole family, they all closed ranks and I don't know of anyone in my position at all whose mum was murdered, and then got rejected by the whole family. I am so so sad, and I don't feel 'normal' at all. I have a few friends I socialise with, but they're so 'normal' and I'm not. The police told me in graphic detail what he did to her, and how he tortured her for half an hour before stabbing her 23 times. I feel my guts are being pulled out when I imagine the pain and fear she must have suffered knowing she was going to die, and I'd only just seen her minutes before when she was waving to me at the bus stop from outside her shop. How do people stop dwelling on the images? I try, I really do try, because it hurts so much when I imagine it, almost as if it's happening to me, but sometime the images just pop in and I get such a jolt it scares me. How do you stop the pictures? Juli
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Apr 14, 2005 20:49:10 GMT -5
I just saw this site and think it's fantastic. When my mother was brutally stabbed to death when I was 19 - it was by her live-in-partner who was a CID officer. He killed her because she knew too much about his shady dealings, and because he was a cop, he got protected by the cops and only served a lousy 5 months for manslaughter (15 reduced to 5 because of good behaviour and custody time). I'm now 45 years old, and have never ever been so alone in the world. My mum's family couldn't even look at me, because I reminded them too much of her, my dad was never in my life anyway, and my brother decided I was too much like my mum and couldn't have me in his life anymore. I have absolutely no one from my past anymore, no one to reminisce about my mum, no one to help keep her memory alive, nothing, no one. I am stuck in the year 1979, and I feel I will never be 'normal' again. I can't form healthy relationships at all, I had therapy but it didn't help. Unless the therapist knows what it's like to lose a mother that way, how can they possibly know how you feel? For me, my life is over. I cannot see a way past what happened, and I have nothing in my life to be grateful for. I have no one and it's really really scary. Even though it happened all that time ago, it might just as well have bene yesterday, because I'm still living in yesterday. I saw the blood in her little shop splattered everywhere, and the phone was hanging off the hook where she'd tried to ring for help, and bled to death instead. I didn't just lose my mum, I lost her whole family, they all closed ranks and I don't know of anyone in my position at all whose mum was murdered, and then got rejected by the whole family. I am so so sad, and I don't feel 'normal' at all. I have a few friends I socialise with, but they're so 'normal' and I'm not. The police told me in graphic detail what he did to her, and how he tortured her for half an hour before stabbing her 23 times. I feel my guts are being pulled out when I imagine the pain and fear she must have suffered knowing she was going to die, and I'd only just seen her minutes before when she was waving to me at the bus stop from outside her shop. How do people stop dwelling on the images? I try, I really do try, because it hurts so much when I imagine it, almost as if it's happening to me, but sometime the images just pop in and I get such a jolt it scares me. How do you stop the pictures? Juli Hello Juli, I am so sorry you have reason to be here, but I am glad you found this place too. I cannot imagine what it would be like to suffer through this without support from your family, and for so very long, too. I don't think I could have made it through the first couple of years after my daughter's murder without them. I am so sorry that this makes your loss of your mother even harder on you I feel sure. The pictures and images that you describe popping up and scaring you sound just like what my therapists (yes, I have had 3, but only 2 of them knew what it was) called flashbacks, one of the symptoms of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some other symptoms I had were not being able to sleep for longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time, sweating crying nightmares, depression, panic attacks. And as you talk about how you feel when you think about what it must have been like for your mother, I can only say that most of my own symptoms were brought on by thoughts about what it must have been like for my daughter, too. For a long time I told my doctors I did not want to take any medications, but wanted to work things out in therapy myself to get better. After a couple of years with not much changing I was so depressed and tired I was at the end of my fraying ropes. I don't know how you have done this for so many years, but I believe from that alone that your survival instinct is VERY strong. My last therapist finally convinced me after some time that my brain was in the habit of thinking those thoughts, and my brain waves were in the habit of thinking along the paths of impulse patterns that probably would not change without medication to help change those thought impulse paths between the nerves in my brain. I don't know if I am explaining this right. But she said that I would probably have to take anti-depressants to help my brain change the paths that those thought impulses were taking. So I went to a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication for only a couple of sessions, and they gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I don't know if you have tried this before, but I am certainly glad I did. I have not had any flashbacks or panic attacks in over a year now. I am usually able to sleep at least 4 or 5 hours a night, and sometimes as long as 7 every now and then. It has changed my life. Nothing about the medication changed who I am in any way, and there is no pill that could make me forget my daughter or make me happy all the time, but I at least got enough stability and rest back into my life that I do not live in terror anymore, and I can even feel calm and peaceful enough to enjoy happy memories of my daughter at times. I don't know if you are interested in this, but I wanted to share it with you because it helped me so much perhaps it might be able to help you too. You will be in my prayers, Janet - Bethena's mom
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Post by Juli on Apr 15, 2005 4:33:16 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your supportive words. I did try 2 different sets of anti-depressants a while ago - but they simply made me feel as if I had no emotions at all. I was neither happy nor sad, I was like a zombie, so I came off them because they didn't help. It does help sometimes when someone says I must be quite a 'strong' person to have survived, because I always think of myself as weak and spineless and unable to live my life normally. But the fact is I am still here, and I suppose there must be a reaon for that, although I cannot see why at the moment! I'm now a year older than my mum was when she died and I know so little about her own life, and it's as if her memory died along with her - thanks to the rejection of me by her entire family. That is something that makes me so very sad that they didn't make an effort to care for me afterwards. My own mother would never have treated her niece so cruelly, so it is a double sadness for me because I literally have no one from my past at all. Thank you for your kind words, and I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I only hope that those of us who have suffered so much in this life, get to be happy in the next life (if there is one!). Thank you again
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Post by wordup on Apr 15, 2005 6:05:47 GMT -5
Hi: Juli I was just getting ready to go to bed and I saw were you had post, After reading your ealier post, I found myself speachless, so I didn't respond. I want you to know that my heart goes out to you ,as you are in the situation of family abandoment, I do understand what that is like, to a degree. As it has been said you are still here which means you have gain strenght from somewhere to be where you are today.
I believe it is understandable for you to feel as you do, and I also can imagine the questions you may have, of why you are or have been treated so badly by relatives. Maybe it is the family who has issues and not you, and I commend you for being able to hold yourself up as you have over the years, I'm encourged by your will to live inspite of your lackings,
Never feel alone now, for you are among friends here, Yes we all feel your dissapointment, pain, and perhap anger, and we are here for you, I found out sometime you find comfort from outside of the family better than in, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Anyway until the next time, take care of yourself.
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Post by Juli on Apr 15, 2005 10:01:02 GMT -5
Thank you thank you thank you for making me feel less alone in all this madness. Yes I am still here, and I still function, but it all seems without any purpose. I feel as if I exist for no reason, that there is no point to my life because I have no family or roots, and I sometimes think of what would happen when I died, and my friends would say, 'how sad, not a single member of her family showed up'. I know that sounds so silly, but it plays on my mind a lot, it's as if I don't 'belong' anywhere, or with anyone. I do keep telling myself over and over that I'm still here, I'm not in a mental home, and I've never tried to kill myself. I suppose that's something in itself, and believe it or not I am even trying to write a sitcom. I always loved English at school, and reading and writing, then after what happened to my mum, I couldn't write anymore, it was if that part of me had been locked away. I don't know if anything will ever come of my writing as my attention span is so short now that I always drift off and think about something else. But maybe the point of my existence is that one day I'll be proud of something I've done, and then maybe my mum will be proud of me. So far, I've achieved nothing worthwhile at all, except sit in a vacuum for 25 years and think about what happened to my mum. I am glad I found this site because I have found people's kind words very comforting, in fact I'm crying as I type because I get so emotional when any kindness is given to me - and there is not much of that in my life anymore. Thank you all
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Post by wordup on Apr 16, 2005 0:22:09 GMT -5
Hi Juli
It's me again, I was feeling kind of low all day and I decide I would just come here, you know just felt the need, I've posted under anyhting under the sun, and the calender, but I saw where you had post, and I wanted to view it. You know it is something How things can happen in our lives that seem to have such an impact on it. Now as I was writing my post, a minuite ago, I could not stop cryin, you see right now my heart is really hurting, it is after midnight, which means it now marks the day my grandson was murdered, a year ago.
But I still have the strenght, to tell you that I think you should stay with your writing, for this sounds like something that will be good for you at this time, and I really meant it when I said you are not alone. which is the good part about coming here, even though we don't know each other personally, it is as if we do, because of the bond that we now have, so there you have it, until next time, Take care.
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Post by Julie on Apr 16, 2005 17:12:08 GMT -5
Hi again - I had no idea your grandson was murdered. How shocking is it when someone takes another persons life, without thinking of the consequences. They're not just 'taking' one person, they are taking a son, a grandson, perhaps a brother, a friend - for we are so many people to so many other people, the killers do not know the impact their actions have on the survivors for the rest of their lives, it's like a jail sentence. My heart goes out to you, and the only people who can ever know how we feel are the people like 'us' who have been through it. The anniversary of a death is always hard isn't it? And birthdays too, I used to spend hours choosing gifts for my mum, searching all over town for her favourite jazz records, and the same with mother's day too. Now I try and avoid looking at the cards because it's just another reminder of what I don't have. I am thinking of you today at this painful time for you, and hope you gain some comfort of being around people who know how you feel. Please take care. Juli
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jade
Newbie
I miss my sweet angel...
Posts: 8
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Post by jade on Jun 10, 2005 18:18:04 GMT -5
Juli- I would just like to say that your story touched my heart, and I look forward to hearing more from you. I am so very very sorry about your sweet mum. I can feel the pain in your words of missing her so much. Please feel free to tell us or write anything in here. We are 'family' here with a very special bond. Most in here don't know each other, but yet can relate to each others feelings sometimes better than our family can. It's very sad that your family has abandoned you in your time of need. Just so you know it......your not alone anymore. I don't usually post in this section, because my daughter was murdered....but by a stranger. (not a family member) This site is very comforting, but not very active, so I find myself looking for conversation wherever I can find it on this website. The people seem very nice, and VERY understanding. I will be back in here from time to time, and look forward to hearing how your doing. Keep your chin up sweetie.....
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Post by xnavygrrl on Jun 17, 2005 12:58:51 GMT -5
Juli, I wish you weren't listed as a guest, or I would email you. I totally identify with so much that you've written here. I too find myself stuck in 1982. That was the year my mom was murdered and me and my sister almost lost our lives. My family is very splintered because of what happened. My mother was the glue that held the family together and when she left in such a violent heinous way, well, people were broken, fractured. I too have the "curse" of looking and acting just like my mom...and have gotten the same reactions you have because of it. I can only talk with a few about what happened. Even though I was 7 I remember almost EVERYTHING that happened that night and it's nice to be able to talk it over with someone. Instead, I have to vent to my few good friends and my online journal, which has been a god-send. You can email me at xnavygrrl@yahoo.com anytime. That goes for any of you guys! Bless you, Missy
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jun 18, 2005 9:15:35 GMT -5
The way I've found about telling people that works best for me is to get to know them for several months (at least) before I tell them the whole story. I can usually tell who will act afraid of me or act different to me (pull back from me) when I tell them the basic story. When I get that reaction I don't tell them that the perpetrator was a family member. If I don't get that reaction, then I'll tell them the whole story. I find it nearly unbearable to be honest when they act afraid of me or pull back from me when I've told my whole story or just part of it. I learned this when going to a support group years ago. I've tried my hardest to not have a repeat. I'll still NEVER understand some of the people that treated me different when I started to say my Mom was the 1 who did it. These were other murder survivors. HOW can they do this to other survivors??!! The good part of it, though, it was FEW of them. It wasn't all of them. It COULD have been worse, but still I find it inexcusable for it to have even been this way at ALL. Thanks for listening.
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Post by Snowleopard on Jun 21, 2005 1:07:03 GMT -5
I suppose with my background, talking about the deaths of others is easier but then again, those I talk with are also in that circuit. I don't think in that circuit we are that curious; we accept things as such and go on from there. Mom and I were looking at set up pools, she jokely suggested we get one for the dog, and I commented how in that case, all she needed was a wading pool. From there, it went on to an upperclassman I know who while in the Regiment, had one that he relaxed in behind the dorm each day. And then, jumping ahead a few years on his story, I commented that he was no longer with us, was killed in a carrier landing accident a few years after graduation.
There were more details to accident, but I didn't see a need to go into that and they weren't asked about.
Should that be the approach, that one should cut to the chase and tell others what someone's eventual fate was? Would that stop the inquiries?
Perhaps yes but then again, perhaps no. As I said, I do operate in a kind of circuit that most people don't. My mother was commenting this weekend, because we were discussing a news crime story and I was dissecting it, that she does not envy all the various little points of crime and death, mind pollution as she would say, that I have to load into my mind.
Unfortunally, I think that when a lot of people ask for more details, I do believe they are more curious than "professional". To be fair, they are probably more innocently in intention curious than hurtfully in intention curious. That is to say that there are times when I cannot stop at a simple answer and must proceed further and if I have to do it times with reason, then there are probably others who must do it at time with reason.
What do I have to refer to if people were to ask about someone that I have known who have been killed and they inquire past that point that I believe is appropriate? My Code of Conduct and my Code of Honor. When a situation proceeds to a point where I believe it is inappropriate for me to comment further on such, the former is what usually kicks in and I will tell people something like, "There is more but my Code of Coduct (Honor) prohibits me from speaking." I have found that such is usually sufficient. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ("We are Morvellians. It is forbidden for aliens to see us in death. It is against.........against our Code of Honor. I'm sure you understand."--Cdr. Sharrell, (wtte), Dr. Who "Destiny of the Daleks")
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