Post by Bosco29 on Jan 19, 2005 17:40:43 GMT -5
To all whom unfortunately understand,
Today I am just exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed to the point of being completely frazzled, been fighting a migraine for about 5 days now, haven't slept worth crap, and it's because of something that I have no escape from. Ever.
My fiance is lucky enough to have his own way to escape because it wasn't his family, he didn't grow up knowing and loving them, and it's not his life is completely different. I know he's hurting for me, but he's not letting me grieve like I think I should be. He pretty much just says that I have to move on and not think about it. I understand taht I need to move on but it's only been 2 and a half months and I'm not ready to move on yet. He gets upset if something doesn't get done around the house on my day off, (for instance, the laundry was backed up for a few days). Honestly, my days off are days where I sleep. My poor dogs are lucky if they get their breakfast on my days off lately (I feed mine 3 small meals per day as opposed to one large one.) I'm not trying to use my aunt and uncle's deaths as an excuse not to do laundry or get other stuff done - I actually used to enjoy laundry. But now, it's so hard to just get out of bed and put on some makeup before I go to work. It's an effort to shower every day. If I don't have anywhere to go, I don't even get dressed. I try to brush my teeth, but even that's iffy. I don't leave my bed unless it's to go to the bathroom. If I'm really ambitious I'll watch movies or something out in our living room. I've been reading a book on grieving actually - it's called, "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye" (I'm sure you've all heard of it) and it's pretty good, it obviously doesn't deal with murder, but it does deal with sudden death and how just that can have such an effect on people. There is a page or two in there that you can photocopy and give to loved ones or friends on how to help you get through those tough times. I set it out for him to read and either he didn't read it or he's pretending he didn't read it. I don't know. He's been really great the past couple days. (I swear we find out more and more about the crime scene all the time.) Like today we heard more and my fiance is being really great and really comforting. I'll tell you about this now:
My mom called me today and let me know a few more details. I'm really tired of having to hear these things from my mom (my uncle's sister) who has a hard enough time saying them herself but to have to tell her daughter this stuff? She knows how much this hurts me especially since my aunt and I were so close. She was the one who had to make the phone calls to all of us kids right after it happened (5 kids in my family). I think I'm ready to read the police report. No one in our family has yet. I think it's about time we stop finding out bits and pieces from the attorney or the chief of police. I want us all to read the damn police report so we know EXACTLY what was seen nad what was found. I want to know. I've heard so many different versions of where they were found, how they were positioned, where they were shot. I want to know so all the scenarios in my head will just stop and I'll have just one to worry about. Isn't that awful? For instance, I've heard that my aunt was shot by her collarbone and then her right temple - that's what we initially had heard. Then we heard her collarbone (same place) and that she was shot between the eyes. Both times we were told (by family who "heard" from whoever) that the headshot was the fatal one and that the initial chest shot was not. Now supposedly, this is the true account of what happened. Like I said, none of us have read the police report so who knows if this is it....(I'm so tired of all of this.)
My aunt got done with work and went to their house. My uncle and her got into a scuffle of some sort (this I just found out today) because her glasses were in the den (where the gun cabinet is by the way) on the floor and her smock from work was thrown on the floor. My aunt needed her glasses to see so she wouldn't have just taken them off. I guess there were some other items that may have fallen or just happened to be on the floor at the time. What I think happened is that for some reason he told her he was going to get his gun. She followed him in there to stop him and he fought her off. So she ran into the bathroom with her cell phone and locked the door. Now all of this coming up I just found out today. We heard similar things but supposedly this is the real deal. He shot at the lock on the door but when that didn't work, he punched through the door (autopsy report went on about wood shards and very bad cuts on an arm and hand - but we havern't read that for our own eyes either). He punched thru the door and unlocked it. He shot her in the chest, we're assuming right where her heart would be, and that is what killed her. She died pretty much immediately. She was facedown on the bathroom floor when he shot her in the back of the head. He then shot himself under his jaw pointing up and he landed on my aunt sideways. I've been told where the most blood was and that a lot of it had been out in the hallway because their floor was somewhat slanted there. I feel so awful for those poor small town cops that had to see that. I want to send them a card or something...I just....I know it's their jobs, but no one should have to see something like that. They were so horrified that when they finally talked to my aunt (mom and uncle's sister), all they could say was, "they're dead....there's so much blood....blood everywhere..." That's exactly what they said to her. My brother is a police officer in Pheonix and he was absolutely furious when he found out what they said. But he doesn't understand that these are small town cops that never expected to ever see anything like that in their lifetime. A car accident is horrific enough to see - but a murder?
Anyways, I thought that if I knew my aunt had already died and didn't have to stare down the barrel of a gun or have to close her eyes to avoid seeing it....I thought I would feel better. But really, I don't feel any better. She still was murdered by the one person in the entire world that she thought she could trust more than anyone else.
To be continued in the next post...
Heather in North Dakota
Today I am just exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed to the point of being completely frazzled, been fighting a migraine for about 5 days now, haven't slept worth crap, and it's because of something that I have no escape from. Ever.
My fiance is lucky enough to have his own way to escape because it wasn't his family, he didn't grow up knowing and loving them, and it's not his life is completely different. I know he's hurting for me, but he's not letting me grieve like I think I should be. He pretty much just says that I have to move on and not think about it. I understand taht I need to move on but it's only been 2 and a half months and I'm not ready to move on yet. He gets upset if something doesn't get done around the house on my day off, (for instance, the laundry was backed up for a few days). Honestly, my days off are days where I sleep. My poor dogs are lucky if they get their breakfast on my days off lately (I feed mine 3 small meals per day as opposed to one large one.) I'm not trying to use my aunt and uncle's deaths as an excuse not to do laundry or get other stuff done - I actually used to enjoy laundry. But now, it's so hard to just get out of bed and put on some makeup before I go to work. It's an effort to shower every day. If I don't have anywhere to go, I don't even get dressed. I try to brush my teeth, but even that's iffy. I don't leave my bed unless it's to go to the bathroom. If I'm really ambitious I'll watch movies or something out in our living room. I've been reading a book on grieving actually - it's called, "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye" (I'm sure you've all heard of it) and it's pretty good, it obviously doesn't deal with murder, but it does deal with sudden death and how just that can have such an effect on people. There is a page or two in there that you can photocopy and give to loved ones or friends on how to help you get through those tough times. I set it out for him to read and either he didn't read it or he's pretending he didn't read it. I don't know. He's been really great the past couple days. (I swear we find out more and more about the crime scene all the time.) Like today we heard more and my fiance is being really great and really comforting. I'll tell you about this now:
My mom called me today and let me know a few more details. I'm really tired of having to hear these things from my mom (my uncle's sister) who has a hard enough time saying them herself but to have to tell her daughter this stuff? She knows how much this hurts me especially since my aunt and I were so close. She was the one who had to make the phone calls to all of us kids right after it happened (5 kids in my family). I think I'm ready to read the police report. No one in our family has yet. I think it's about time we stop finding out bits and pieces from the attorney or the chief of police. I want us all to read the damn police report so we know EXACTLY what was seen nad what was found. I want to know. I've heard so many different versions of where they were found, how they were positioned, where they were shot. I want to know so all the scenarios in my head will just stop and I'll have just one to worry about. Isn't that awful? For instance, I've heard that my aunt was shot by her collarbone and then her right temple - that's what we initially had heard. Then we heard her collarbone (same place) and that she was shot between the eyes. Both times we were told (by family who "heard" from whoever) that the headshot was the fatal one and that the initial chest shot was not. Now supposedly, this is the true account of what happened. Like I said, none of us have read the police report so who knows if this is it....(I'm so tired of all of this.)
My aunt got done with work and went to their house. My uncle and her got into a scuffle of some sort (this I just found out today) because her glasses were in the den (where the gun cabinet is by the way) on the floor and her smock from work was thrown on the floor. My aunt needed her glasses to see so she wouldn't have just taken them off. I guess there were some other items that may have fallen or just happened to be on the floor at the time. What I think happened is that for some reason he told her he was going to get his gun. She followed him in there to stop him and he fought her off. So she ran into the bathroom with her cell phone and locked the door. Now all of this coming up I just found out today. We heard similar things but supposedly this is the real deal. He shot at the lock on the door but when that didn't work, he punched through the door (autopsy report went on about wood shards and very bad cuts on an arm and hand - but we havern't read that for our own eyes either). He punched thru the door and unlocked it. He shot her in the chest, we're assuming right where her heart would be, and that is what killed her. She died pretty much immediately. She was facedown on the bathroom floor when he shot her in the back of the head. He then shot himself under his jaw pointing up and he landed on my aunt sideways. I've been told where the most blood was and that a lot of it had been out in the hallway because their floor was somewhat slanted there. I feel so awful for those poor small town cops that had to see that. I want to send them a card or something...I just....I know it's their jobs, but no one should have to see something like that. They were so horrified that when they finally talked to my aunt (mom and uncle's sister), all they could say was, "they're dead....there's so much blood....blood everywhere..." That's exactly what they said to her. My brother is a police officer in Pheonix and he was absolutely furious when he found out what they said. But he doesn't understand that these are small town cops that never expected to ever see anything like that in their lifetime. A car accident is horrific enough to see - but a murder?
Anyways, I thought that if I knew my aunt had already died and didn't have to stare down the barrel of a gun or have to close her eyes to avoid seeing it....I thought I would feel better. But really, I don't feel any better. She still was murdered by the one person in the entire world that she thought she could trust more than anyone else.
To be continued in the next post...
Heather in North Dakota