alone39
Inactive
Toyanne Hightower: Oct 17th, 1969-- Feb 26th, 2003
Posts: 15
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Post by alone39 on Nov 21, 2005 10:53:27 GMT -5
I can't seem to cope
Holidays coming and I just........don't know. This is the second time the holidays have come around since my son murdered my wife, and it just hits me harder this time........I just want to curl up and die.
When people ask me how I'm doing-I've stopped telling them im okay when Im really not okay, not okay at all. I want to just crawl into bed and give up. i thought somehow it might get easier. I hate knowing that the one who killed my wife is also our flesh and blood. I've tried to forgive, and in my heart I just CANT. I don't want to live without her. Everyone wants to see me doing better but inside Im dying every day. They just dont understand. They cant understand what its like watching them go on with their lives knowing that mine has come to a complete grinding halt. I hurt. I hurt every day. Tried therapy, doesn't work for me. Medications dont either. I feel like I'm trapped in that house, trapped in that day, lost forever in a nightmare that wont go away.
Why? I just dont understand, and I have quit trying. If you'd seen what I saw that day, you'd understand, but nobody really can understand, and I feel so all alone in my struggle.
I miss you, oh I miss you soo much, Toyanne.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 21, 2005 11:13:53 GMT -5
Dear Alone39, I'm very sorry you're going through this. The holidays are very hard for us on here. Forgiveness is a tough issue to say the least. I had a friend pressuring me about it within weeks of the murders in my family. At that point I just couldn't even consider it. Just getting up, functioning was all I could do. Don't put pressure on yourself in these areas. For you to just do what you need to do is fine. I agree about how much it hurts that another family member did this. I have the mixed feelings still and the betrayal of it always brings pain. You mentioned that you've tried therapy. Have you tried a support group such as Parents of Murdered Children? They were a huge help to me a few months after it happened. I noticed you're in Texas. There's 3 chapters in Texas and 2 of them have links on here. I used to attend 1 of them and it was a great help. Something else that helped me also was counseling at church. It was free and I was able to talk about the spiritual aspects of the whole thing, which they don't focus on in traditional therapy. In the beginnings of what's happened just getting up and doing what we need to do is very hard. But I've found that in the long run it works, even though we'll always have pain and be changed in how we view everything. I hope some of this info may help you. Please let us know how you're doing and also know that people on this board are here to listen to you and encourage you. Take care.
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Post by mattsma on Nov 21, 2005 18:49:52 GMT -5
hello alone, I am also very sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. The holiday season is very difficult........no matter how many years have passed. Please remember that we are here for you when you need a little extra support. Do check out the support organizations that pumpkin mentioned. Most groups have telephone hotlines. take care b-safe deb
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Post by myamber20 on Nov 21, 2005 20:11:21 GMT -5
I know all too well the pain you are suffering alone39.
I feel like it is so exhausting to go on and on in the sadness and pain along with the painfull memmories of how she died. This is just not right that is why it is so hard to carry on.
How can one really be normal again when something being so not right and sinful, hateful as murder has taken place.
I feel like crawling in a ball also. Your right everything has come to a complete halt. I feel like I still had so much to do with my daughter, teach her more, talk more, share thoughts, watch her walk down the aisle, be a gramma to the baby she someday wanted, help her fix her house she someday wanted to buy. It really hurts to think there is no someday for AMBER or for me. Right now I can only share with you that I am feeling your deepened pain. Right now I can say that Amber would of wanted her mom to be happy and not sad all the time, but I am missing her soo bad it hurts. I like you have to go through the holidays without our loved ones. Amber used to bake, she loved to get together. I do not know what my future will bring I know noone does, I am trying and thats all we can do. THANKYOU AMBERS MOM CAROLYN
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Post by nomi67 on Dec 21, 2005 15:12:26 GMT -5
Alone....please email me at my email addy(Nomi1938@yahoo.com). I have something to suggest to you that might be of help. It is only a suggestion, but something you might consider trying, if you care to. I prefer to email it to you, rather than post it here.
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Post by Charlene on Dec 21, 2005 18:41:59 GMT -5
Nomi, you can send a personal message to him by clicking on his name, then click on "send personal message."
Charlene
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Post by nomi67 on Dec 22, 2005 15:39:06 GMT -5
Thanks Charlene...I will give that a try.
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