alone39
Inactive
Toyanne Hightower: Oct 17th, 1969-- Feb 26th, 2003
Posts: 15
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Post by alone39 on Jan 25, 2006 10:38:04 GMT -5
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that the person who killed my wife is no longer a person I know. Maybe some of you will understand, maybe not. I want to be able to feel the righteous anger so many victims feel at the perpetrator, and yet the conflict exists that this is not only someone who killed my wife, but it is my son. I grieve not only for her, but for the child I loved and walked the floor with when he was a baby. I miss my wife more than words could ever express, and yet the killer is the only child we ever had together. I feel like I am betraying her because I still feel a sense of loss about him. That being said, the more I talk to him (not often at all), the more I realize the only sense of remorse he has is because he is in a situation he put himself in. He refuses to acknowledge that she was not wrong. He continues to blame her for what HE did!! !! I miss US. Being a family, going on camping trips, sitting down to dinner, riding our bikes......... But I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that even though we raised him the best we knew how, mentally, clinically, psychologically-he is a psychopath. He is incapable of empathy for anyone. It still hurts, though. I know I will never find resolution. There will be no "Yeah, this is why it happened" ending. Just a lot of photographs of a time when everything was beautiful, and the pictures in my head of Hell on earth. I just must come to grips somehow that there never will be an explanation that is satisfactory. And slowly, but surely, I am letting him go. I have to. I hope she would understand. So much hurt. So much pain. I miss you, baby.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jan 25, 2006 11:15:20 GMT -5
Dear Alone39, I understand the conflicting feelings. I know I'll always have them too. I was literally afraid of my Mother. After she was committed she only got better once, and once she heard she was going to go to trial, she relapsed again. After that she was never competent again mentally. It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that what our loved 1 did was so huge and devastating that we have to let go for our own peace of mind. I refused to have an in-person relationship with her again. 1 of my reasons was that even though she had remorse (expressed in her body language, expressions and in writing) in her short periods of sanity, she never got better or able to live in society. I loved her and still do, but the most I could do was write sometimes and call sometimes. She wouldn't reciprocate the contact; I'm pretty sure because of her shame. I can tell you that prayer helped me a ton with all these feelings. I know we'll never be the same; I'm sure you know that, and that we'll never fully resolve these issues in our own minds, but I think we can get to the level that we can function and keep going. I'm very sorry about your son. This is true some have no conscience and it's devastating. The only good thing about this is these people are rare. If you need to let go of your son I can understand to a degree. I felt I had to let go of my old relationship with my Mom. I hope this might help you in some way. Take care and if you ever need to talk just let me know.
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Post by toniga on Jan 26, 2006 3:43:50 GMT -5
alone39: I am really sorry for your profound loss.
My mother killed my father.I didn't know my mother until she got out but I do know it was hard for my family members to either accept what she did or realise the full extent of my mothers personality and dysfunction. It seems normal to grieve about the loss you have/are experiencing.I can understand the conflict considering I felt torn with my mom and my grandparents and also my dad's memory.iI also watched my sisters conflict between loving my mother and hating her and yet missing her dad.It's a really tough place to be in.If you need anything I can give via online please feel free to message me.
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Post by stephy21288 on Jan 28, 2006 4:17:08 GMT -5
Hi alone39, I've met you once before, and I used to speak with your son. Well tried to find help for him but none of that happened because it all turned around. I've warned the school several times that he needed help but they didn't take me seirously. Not saying that i was one of those people that knew what was going to happen. I'm really sorry that any of this had happened its been almost 3 years now that this has all happened and I still think about it all the time. I always pray for you and your son but you should never give up hope. He will hopefully get better. And i have faith that you will recover as well. All my prayers go to you.
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Post by purples on Feb 1, 2006 20:31:49 GMT -5
i too understand about the double edge sword. My husband killed my fiance to be! It's tough seeing someone you love kill someone else you love! Even though i am still married to Jeff, I wanted our break-up to be civil. Unfortunatly, It wasn't meant to be like that. I tried to let him down easy, and I wanted him to go on with his life and make the best of it! Instead he took Mike's life and ruined alot of others lives in the process. He doesn't have any remorse for what he has done! I actually heard evil in his voice! He is still trying to control me from jail, by telling me he is coming here as soon as he gets out or escapes! I will admit, it does make me nervous, but hopefully he will be behind bars for a very long time. Finding this board has been a blessing to me! I hope it helps you as well! Take Care and my prayers are with you!
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Post by drewsmom595 on Feb 17, 2006 12:36:17 GMT -5
Dear Alone39:
As I typed your name, the first thing that popped into my head is that you're not alone in your grief. There are people on this board who understand exactly what you're going through. I totally can relate to what you're feeling as my mentally ill twin brother shot and killed my father. There are people in my life who can't understand the fact that I have compassion for my brother, and still care about how he is being treated in jail. It does make me feel "less loyal" to my Dad to have compassion for my brother, but even though I hate what he did, I still love my brother. And I grieve for the life that we once had as a family, the life that my Dad isn't getting to live because he's not here with us anymore, and for the pathetic remainder of my brother's life -- having to spend it locked up with the scum of society. Please take good care of yourself and treat yourself kindly. And let us know how you are doing.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 19, 2006 8:30:11 GMT -5
Dear Drewsmom595, loving your brother is NOT wrong. Those who don't even try to understand, that's their problem. They probably can't even get their SMALL, black and white thinking minds around the concept. This is 1 thing makes me so furious. Every case is DIFFERENT and the fact is MOST cases are inter-family, such as yours and mine. It's not wrong to me to feel love for the perpetrator. I felt hate for my Mom and wished she'd die a natural death at times, but also loved her and still do. You CAN feel hate and love for the same person. And like you I'll always hate what my Mom did. I'll never not believe it could have been prevented. And it doesn't compromise the love you have/had for your Dad to love your brother. There's love for both of them, as it should be. Love isn't limited in quantity as it's from God. My Mom was the 1 who got me into movies, encouraged reading very early, got me in book clubs, good things like that. There's a lot of good that came from her, along with the bad. I think of the good things a lot, and miss her every day. I also look back on good times our family had and wish it had never happened, too. Thanks for posting this and take care.
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