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void
Apr 13, 2006 15:30:11 GMT -5
Post by toniga on Apr 13, 2006 15:30:11 GMT -5
I seem to always feel this void inside.It's not constant but it's there often.Am I the only one who thinks "what if"? I see all these families who are close and love each other and then there is me everyday with a mother who I wish at times was never born and a father in some cold grave close to the street so people can throw their trash and it hits his grave and a family who wants nothing to really do with me and "friends" who have no clue how to deal with a pathologically distrustful person who only opens up in small doses.I feel bitter at society because I NEVER asked for these scars.I never asked to be born in prision.I never asked to visit a stranger in prison the first 6 years of my life and visiting her in mental hospitals for the next 20 years.I never asked for her child molester/rapist (husband at the time) husband to constantly ask me to call him dad.I never asked for her to attempt to kidnap me with her pimp. I just have to vent.This is who she was but isn't like now.It's confusing at times.Alot of people don't usually "get it".I am not looking for pity but acknowledgement without the pity.
I feel like there has to me more here on this earth for me.I just wish a way would present its self.I had to vent about this because maybe I am stuck in the past.I realise I need another way if that makes sense.I'm just fed up with this void in my soul.
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void
Apr 14, 2006 2:23:35 GMT -5
Post by ginger on Apr 14, 2006 2:23:35 GMT -5
I SO wish I could put my arms around you right now.
(((Toniga)))
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void
Apr 14, 2006 3:33:36 GMT -5
Post by toniga on Apr 14, 2006 3:33:36 GMT -5
Wow.That's really kind of you.I wish you could hug me.Can I adopt you? lol
Thanks it helps remind me people are caring.It really matters.Today I got a picture of my mom and dad at their wedding.I've just been in this mood I can't explain.My dad looks so hopeful ya know and my mom looked so fragile. Wow that was really sweet of you.Thanks.
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void
Apr 14, 2006 10:06:09 GMT -5
Post by pumpkin12903 on Apr 14, 2006 10:06:09 GMT -5
Toniga, I think "what if" a lot. I wish so bad we could go back in time. I really don't like the person I was when it happened. If I could go back in time I'd try more to get my Mother to get help. I'd work more on the spiritual problems I had/have. The void to me means I'll never be the same. Every day there's a little bit of pain, and every day I think of them all. I know how you feel with the stuff you never asked for. Same here. Why didn't my Mother get enough help? Why didn't my Dad leave her the 1 time he thought of doing that? Why weren't the spiritual problems of my family dealt with in the right way? Why was there verbal/emotional abuse going on? So many questions. I think 1 of your purposes here is to help others. You've come through sane, and share that triumph with others who really need it. Take care.
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void
Apr 14, 2006 17:44:23 GMT -5
Post by wordup on Apr 14, 2006 17:44:23 GMT -5
Toniga, if this help, I say to you, I bet everyone on this board can identify with what you have said about the void issues, we have all wondered and asked that question, (what if). I know there are so many things I didin't understand and still don't , But that void does live on. Today, right now, I have everyone of my grandchildren here with me, who's missing? so can you feel what I must be feeling? yet I can't change the time as I'm like pumpkin if I could, I would, I know things would have been different. So what I'm trying to say is, there is nothing you can feel or think that we haven't already, and maybe for some, they are thinking now,(right now) but the good thing is, you now have others who understand you and what you are going through. right? so hang in there. take care.
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void
Apr 14, 2006 18:09:16 GMT -5
Post by toniga on Apr 14, 2006 18:09:16 GMT -5
Thanks.I like that fact I can mourn here and not just about my dad being killed.I am sure you understand how deeper it goes and also to accept my journey in life.I think I denied it for years because of the reactions I have got.I am not looking for pity.Thanks for understanding.
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void
Apr 14, 2006 18:17:04 GMT -5
Post by toniga on Apr 14, 2006 18:17:04 GMT -5
Pumpkin I totally think that.... why weren't issues addressed in my family.I can understand how things go under the radar tho.Thanks pumpkin for giving me hope that I have a positive impact on people with those last few sentences.Sometimes I tend to shut out the good I have done and this is something I am going to learn or at least practice.Is trusting myself and learning to let in the good.
It's really nice having the internet because I would have never found a forum to express myself.
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void
Apr 15, 2006 5:16:52 GMT -5
Post by drewsmom595 on Apr 15, 2006 5:16:52 GMT -5
Toniga:
I understand what you're saying about the void, because I think all of us who have undergone tragedy feel that way sometimes. I think what's really encouraging about what you wrote is that you realize that feeling empty and saying "what if" really don't get you anywhere, and that you're pushing for something different. I truly believe that you can change your life by changing your outlook on life. The hard part is actually doing it. But I believe that since you've survived as much tragedy as you have in your life, then you are a true survivor in the real sense of the word. And you'll find a way to make it happen.
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void
Apr 15, 2006 17:45:33 GMT -5
Post by toniga on Apr 15, 2006 17:45:33 GMT -5
Thanks drewsmom.It's taken me a long time to even have this life I have were I can openly talk about my life without shame. I think that I am on this earth for a purpose maybe I make that purpose at this point.It keeps me going with situations that are also not even related to my past.I just thought about something...I went for years not having a real belief but I am at the point I believe in the "spirit" again.I am going to keep wishing,thinking and imagining the good until it materializes.
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void
Apr 19, 2006 0:39:07 GMT -5
Post by meme on Apr 19, 2006 0:39:07 GMT -5
I understand that void. A murder puts your life into perspective. In days past, we may be concerned with things that had no bearing on what really is important in life. I call the day of the murder "the day my heart was ripped out". Nothing else really matters except appreciating those we have in our lives. Materialism is fleeting. We must get through this murder an try to make a safer world for the future.
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