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Post by bettesdaughter on Apr 24, 2006 23:41:17 GMT -5
My boyfriend of twelve years, the father of my two boys, beat my mother to death on September 24, 2004. I still don't know why. All I know is that it was brutal and senseless. I can't talk about it. But I can't think of anything else.
At the time, my kids were ages 6 and 4 months. My sons and I lived with her-she was the world to my oldest son. We came home and found her. Speaking for myself, life stopped that day. I don't know what I've been doing since then, but it certainly hasn't been living.
I thought I knew pain. But recently my oldest son came up to me and told me he wishes he were dead. I asked him why. And his answer was this:"So I don't have to exist anymore, Mommy." He is seven. I can't bear it. To have him feel this and think this and say this. He is only seven and he wants to die. I am too afraid to let him out of my sight.
He's been in therapy since it happened. Now he sees a psychiatrist as well. I encourage him to talk to me about it. I encourage him to grieve for both of them, because he really lost them both that day. (His father was arrested three days later. There is a no contact order in place and he is incarcerated awaitng trial)
Please help me. Please share with me anything that may have helped, either as a mother of a child struggling with this or as a grown child coping. I feel like I am losing him, too.
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Post by wordup on Apr 25, 2006 0:34:49 GMT -5
My dearest bettesdaughter, I'm so sorry to hear about all of what you are left to deal with, I lost my grandson to his brother's father. and this indeed effected him, as for a while he was acting out, and he would say things I believe he saw his brother as he was being murdered, what I have had to do is just be there for him, and give lot's of love, and he knows I'm not going to leave him, today he is much better,and I pray that your son will come to know that you are there for him, I know he has been effected and this can be so hard on the children, just do what come natural for you to do, and since you have said he is getting help, together in time he will be ok. hang in there, we are here for you, and maybe someone will come alone soon and post something that will help you in some way. You are not alone, and if I can be of help to you please feel free to call on me.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Apr 25, 2006 10:08:33 GMT -5
Dear Bettesdaughter, I'm so sorry about your Mother. I'm very glad your son is getting help. The things that worked for me were/are: counseling; going to support group (Parents of Murdered Children); talking to understand friends and family; counseling at church; writing about it; going to church support group; and coming to this board. There's a link to Parents of Murdered Children on here. They're a great support. I hope this info might help you. I'm glad you found this board. Please keep us updated and you and your family will be in my prayers. Take care.
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Post by mattsma on Apr 25, 2006 10:45:33 GMT -5
hello bettesdaughter, I would like to say welcome to the board. I am so sorry that you lost your mother. It is so hard for small children to understand when people they love just disappear from their life. I send you a hug and hope that you find some peace. take care & b-safe deb
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Post by meme on Apr 25, 2006 13:49:31 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. My dearly departed mother was the world to me too. That is so very tragic, losing your mother and a seven year old talking about wanting to be dead. At the age of seven, can a child realize what death really is? ______________________________________ I hope no one bails the murderer out of jail. What are you hopng for in the way of conviction? I hope the detectives never have to question your child. Does the child understand what daddy did and that he's in jail? I will say a prayer for you & your children.
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Post by bettesdaughter on Apr 26, 2006 6:15:41 GMT -5
Thank-you for your responses. And please know how terribly sorry I am for the loved ones you have lost. I wish I had words of comfort to return. All I can offer is numbed understanding and shared sadness.
To answer Meme, I actually found the website when I was researching the death penalty in November. The prosecutor took over a year to go to grand jury. Paul thankfully had been unable to post bail since his arrest. About a week before convening the proceeding, the prosecutor had called my brother and me and requested a meeting. We knew it was to discuss whether they had finally decided to charge him with capital murder. So I wanted to be prepared and to fight for it; this website was one of the places my search led me to. I have been visiting periodically ever since. I wanted to post before but couldn't. This new crisis with my son just has me raw again.
My thoughts oon the death penalty? In NJ it is a farce. It was reinstituted in the 1980's but the general consensus is that none of the 20-odd inmates on death row here will ever be executed. I still would have wanted it imposed, though, becasue I thought the quality of the incarceration would be the harshest. But death row, too, is a farce. If I recall correctly, they get 3 to 4 two hour clips a day out of their cells as a small group with a few of the other capital inmates. They also get exercise breaks. Unlimited television and radio in thier cells. Daily shower breaks. One daily phone call. One visit per month from an immediate family member. Unlimited calls to attorneys and calls/visits from clergy when they inevitably find their forgivness from god. Given the choice between this and the general prison population, I'd rather he be in with the other animals than being protected from them.
But my mother was pro death penalty. And my brother desperately wanted it, so I argued anyway. NJ requires 1st degree murder + aggravting circumstances to qualify a homicide as a capital offense. We thought we would have had a good chance at getting it, becasue it was a felony murder. Also, we live in one of the smallest and most rural counties in the state. There is very little violent crime here and the liklihood of a jury imposing it was good. But I sat there while the prosecutor tried ever so tactfully to explain why my mother's murder wasn't so particularly heinous so as to warrant aggravating circumstances status. She was 67 years old, was 5'4, and had had heart surgery 4 months before. She also had arthritis in her feet so bad that she could hardly walk, let alone run. He was 43, 6'2 and had worked out every day of his life since he was 12. He beaat her so badly we couldn't have an open casket. He either did it for the money he hoped to get through me or because he had apparently been stalking me for years and decided to control me by killing her. Or he thought she had found out about his secret life, which involved criminal activity. I still don't know. But under the statute, any of these would qualify as aggravating circumstances. They rejected all of this. Worse, they tried to misrepresent the statue to me. We had legal representation from a victim's rights attorney. And I had finished lawschool not too long before this happened. It was a farce. It truly comes down to money, I know. Capital trials are expensive. Why spend it if it is never going to be imposed. Period.
The most enraing thing was that they wanted us to not only accept it but agree with it. I sat in that room, with two prosecuters, the victim's advocacy unit and even our own attorney. All of them explained why it would be better for US if they did not pursue capital murder. It would save us the agony and uncertainty of a 10 year, if not longer, trial and appeal process. We would get closure.
There is no such thing as closure. It is an idiotic concept. My mother is dead 20 years before her time. She endured terrible pain and suffering and fear and that will never change. Those moments in time will always exist and cannnot be altered. My family and I survivie, but are victims and will always be victims. It has changed us irreparably. I have children who will never know what is is like not to have such a horrible thing be part of thier lives. We will live with agony and uncertainty anyway. If I would rather sit through trials and appeals with the chance of execution in the distance, so be it. Don't take this away from me, offer me "closure" in its place, and tell me it is for my own good.
I thank you all for listening and caring and asking.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Apr 26, 2006 10:09:09 GMT -5
Dear Bettesdaughter, I'm so sorry the case ended up like this. I agree with you, that there WERE aggravating circumstances. Again, I'm sorry and hope you find some comfort here on this board. Take care.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Apr 29, 2006 18:55:34 GMT -5
Dear Bettesdaughter:
I am so sorry for your loss, and for what you and your family are going through. I can imagine how scared you must be for your son. I"m glad he's getting help, but what does the psychiatrist who's treating your son say about him wanting to die?
My son was eight when my father was murdered. It affected him deeply, but I got him involved in a children's grief support group for children who have suffered a traumatic loss. That really seemed to help him...being around children who had loved ones who were murdered. It helped him feel less alone and less like a "freak." I don't know if there's such a group in your area. You might want to check with your local hospice organization to see if they have such a group.
My son also found comfort in a book on Heaven by Maria Shriver. I think the most important thing is that you're staying in close contact with your son, and he's in a supportive atmosphere where he can express his feelings to you.
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Post by chellysdadinoc on Jun 19, 2006 3:44:21 GMT -5
stepdaughter, I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt your little boy is felling. My last girlfriend her daughter committed suicide at 14 yrs old I will discuss this in detail within the next couple of days. Her my ex seem to think we are competing for attention to separate tragedy's whats there to compete about but this issue I will explain in more detail next post...
chelly&chrisdaddyin OC love you and miss you
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