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Post by meldog79 on Jan 10, 2007 15:54:14 GMT -5
hi, thanks for the replies, its so nice to hear from those who are feeling similar pains as mine. i just recently left my husband. we were seperated shortly before everything happend, but tried to work things out about a month before it all happened. he is sometimes very abusive with his words. i mainly went back because of my son. now that this tragedy has happened there are only angry hurtful words, and he blames me for our sones murder which makes it even harder. you see he never liked my brother, and he told me to keep keoni away from him. i always trusted and loved my brother so i stood up for him and told him he had nothing to worry about, that my brother would never hurt our so keoni. he kept fighting with me though. i thought if my mom thought is was safe then i would. my mom was so great with my so. he loved her so much and she loved him. he helped her become happy through the hard times with my brother. see we tried to get him committed, but they kept saying there wasnt enough to keep in in. my brother was smart and fooled us all. no one expected it. except my husband, he keeps telling me that he knew and that i didnt listen, now i feel even more to blame. he is even more hateful now that i left, he tells me he blames me and hates me for leaving him through all of this. i just couldnt stay though. i need to heal, and with his hate and blame, i have trouble healing or ever believing it wasnt my fault. i feel that i should have known. i took our son over that night so i should of sensed something. but i didnt. i talked to my mom at 9:30 at night and she said that her keoni and my brother went for a walk that afternoon and keoni was in bed sleeping. she said everything was great. she even took my brother to the crocker art museum that day. its still so unbelievable. my brother really did love them both. he would hug and play with my son and act normal. its so confusing. well thanks for letting me vent. i hope your all well.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Jan 10, 2007 17:51:01 GMT -5
Hi Melanie:
Trying to fix blame is very common after a loved one is murdered. It really is a waste of time. Everyone did the best they could. You are truly blameless. You had no idea that your brother would ever do something like this. If your husband claims that "he knew" then he should feel the guilt, and not you. After all, if he knew something like this could possibly happen, and then he did nothing, then he should bear some responsibility. Maybe he's feeling guilty for this, and rather than get upset at himself, he's taking it out on you.
I really don't know you very well yet, but I'm glad that you left your husband. He shouldn't be verbally attacking you like this. If he should be angry at anyone, it should be your brother.
However, it sounds like your brother had some very serious mental issues, which will probably make you feel very confused. My brother is the same way...seriously psychotic and delusional. His psychiatrist told me that because of this, my brother was not fully in control of his actions. Although he has been sent to prison for the crime, and is paying the price, he really didn't fully appreciate what he did. And he still can't even to this day. This blunts alot of my hatred toward him. But I still am angry at him for what he did.
How do you feel about your brother? Are your feelings toward him mixed, or are they very clear? Do you have any other family that you can lean on during this time? I truly hope so, but if not, we can help you through this.
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Post by taterfay on Jan 11, 2007 22:29:48 GMT -5
I am sorry your husband is treating you this way. I know he is going through his own grief, but that is still no excuse. I am also glad that you left him, especially if you feel that he was abusing you in any way. My sister died at the hands of her abuser and I would not want that to happen to anybody else if I could prevent it. I also hope, like drewsmom, that you have some friends or other family members that can help you during this time, but like she said, we are always here and your posts will always be read and replied to. Take care and many, many hugs to you.
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Post by Snowleopard on Jan 12, 2007 6:01:28 GMT -5
How can you be the blame? Family is family and it is very hard to see them as anything else but that.
I have 'terse' situations in my family, items that make me wonder if when I assume the position of holding the family's purse strings if I will have to carry my gun more than I do now.
That is a possibility and I certainly want to be proven wrong of such a possibility. If it is a certainity, then one can take action .......... but so often, it is not a certainity, nothing is a certainity, until the actual act (which is one of the reasons why armchair quarterbacks about police or maritime decisions don't charm me at all).
If I am defending someone and a family member comes after that someone, I will respond. But I am not sure if I am the target and there is no one to defend, if I will drop my guard and allow a family member to strike me down because the basic truth is that for the good, it is hard to raise a hand against family.
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