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Post by summer on Oct 25, 2007 8:18:37 GMT -5
I registered on this website back in June and am just now logging in [so I don't get deleted from the list and have to get motivated to register all over again].
My dad was murdered by my nephew the day after Christmas [2006]. Tomorrow it will be 10 months and it still is surreal. I still can't believe this happened to my family, but I bet that's how everyone feels.
My dad was 71 years old, so he did not have a long life ahead of him. It is just so hard to try to focus on his life and not how he died. My nephew beat him to death with a hammer, and my sister called me hysterical when she found him stuffed in the back of my nephew's van.
My relationship with my sister has been strained, but no one can imagine how she feels unless they've been through it. My heart aches for her because she has lost our dad and her son. I've told her I don't want this to tear us apart.
Sometimes I think I keep myself so busy so that I don't have to think about how my dad died. I lost my job back in June and have been on disability since then. I'm seeing a psychiatrist [I've suffered from depression long before this happened]. I see a therapist once a week and go to my bereavement group once a week, but when I'm alone I keep myself pretty busy. How do you know if you're really "dealing" with this? Do you just allow yourself to grieve when it hits you, or should you set aside quiet time to write out your feelings? I've done that a little bit but it is so hard. When I'm alone and I do start crying it's like an uncontrollable sob to where I can hardly breathe.
I find myself comparing my mom's death to my dad's. The feelings are so very different. Sometimes I just feel that I am in denial - it's like one moment "everything is fine" but then it hits me that it is not. Is this normal???
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 25, 2007 9:47:36 GMT -5
Dear Summer, I'm very sorry about your Dad. Yes, your feelings are normal. It'll hit you at different times and for different reasons. We're never the same after our tragedies in some ways. If you don't mind my asking, did your nephew go to trial? That's wonderful you're going to counseling. It saved my life after the murders in my family. Like in your case, they were committed by a family member. My Mother murdered my Dad and Grandma. I needed help before the murders when I look back on everything. I had verbal/emotional abuse until the age of 24 and the effects from this were great. 1 thing I REALLY learned is don't REPRESS what you're feeling! Let it out in ways that don't hurt others! I made the mistake of keeping up the drinking I'd started as a teenager. It did NOTHING but hide what I needed to fix. I still have the effects of it on my health. I've given myself both quiet time and done writing in my recovery. Both are a tremendous help. Please do what's the best for you as if you repress like I did, you're going to have more to fix in the long run. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. Take care.
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Post by summer on Oct 25, 2007 12:20:08 GMT -5
Pumpkin, thanks for your reply. I understand already what you mean about never being the same. My nephew has not yet gone to trial. As of right now, the trial is scheduled for 5/19/08. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of both your dad and grandm by your mom. fMay I ask how long ago they were murdered and the status of your case?
Thank you.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Oct 25, 2007 20:34:13 GMT -5
Hi summer:
What you're feeling is very normal. My brother murdered my Dad almost four years ago, and it still seems surreal to me sometimes. And then other times, it seems all too real.
Everyone grieves differently, but I'm a big believer in not stuffing your feelings away. If you feel like crying, then cry. I think keeping yourself busy is good, but realize that if you're shoving aside thinking about what's happened to you, then you're only delaying the inevitable. What gets shoved down eventually will come back up. Only you can decide if postponing your grief temporarily is the right thing for you to do. But eventually, you're going to have to deal with it. The only way to get through the pain is to face it. It's really hard, and I was only able to deal with it in small chunks at a time.
Please don't listen to well meaning friends who tell you that you need to get over it, and get on with your life. I don't know if this has happened to you yet, but it's happened to me. It makes me want to scream when someone says that to me. You don't get over the murder of your loved one, but you do learn how to live with the pain.
Best wishes to you. And please feel free to contact me if you ever feel like venting.
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Post by ginger on Oct 25, 2007 22:06:24 GMT -5
Summer, sweetie, please don't take this the wrong way. IMO, you ARE 'dealing' with it (holy jezuz how many 'pat' phrases are we supposed to adhere to???) Anyway, you are 'dealing' with it if you haven't yet slit your wrists, downed a bottle of pills that knowingly will kill you or jumped off a bridge. Or, any combination of the above and then some If you are still a walking functioning (notice I DIDN'T say working) human being, then you are 'dealing' with 'IT'. As time goes by you will see progress. If you don't..............Please try to find in your area a Traumatic Grief Counselor. I'm driving 2 & 1/2 hours to see one.
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Post by taterfay on Oct 28, 2007 18:27:25 GMT -5
HI summer:
Everyone grieves differently and I don't think there is any "normal" or "abnormal", "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, etc. Grief (for me) hits in waves and you can feel like you are drowning one minute and then feel almost ok again the next.
How should YOU deal with it? In whatever way feel right for you. It is ok to block it out sometimes..it will be there to deal with for the rest of your life. It is ok to have good days and even have fun and enjoy life. It is also ok to get tired of being strong and it is ok to cry and scream and shout and vent or to withdraw into silence. I think you are dealing with it. Some people deal with it in HUGE chunks and others have an easier time dealing with it piece by little piece, if that makes sense. You do the best you can, ok?
Ps..For me, anyway, writing about it (and talking about it) is very helpful. I used to have no control over my hysterical crying jags when the grief would hit but now I seem to be able to decide whether or not I want to let myself go there or not at that moment when I feel it rising to the surface...but sometimes it still just hits me like a ton of bricks and there is notning I can do about it.
Take care! big Hugs! Stacey
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 29, 2007 7:49:23 GMT -5
Pumpkin, thanks for your reply. I understand already what you mean about never being the same. My nephew has not yet gone to trial. As of right now, the trial is scheduled for 5/19/08. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of both your dad and grandm by your mom. fMay I ask how long ago they were murdered and the status of your case? Thank you. Dear summer, you're welcome. Our tragedy was in 1990. We never went to trial (thank God!) because Mom was found mentally incompetent to be tried and was committed to the state mental hospital. She was tested for competency every year. 1 year she DID pass, but once she knew she'd be going to trial she regressed again. The hospital tried every treatment and nothing worked. The last thing they tried was shock treatments. She died in the hospital in 1997. I'm SO glad we had the best possible outcome. I NEVER wanted her free, even though she showed remorse. She'd tell 1 of my family she wanted to live with me if she ever got out. That still makes me furious. But, I think it was also a sign of how sick she was, that she THOUGHT of this as a possibility. The biggest feeling I had when she died was RELIEF. Our case was officially closed after that. I'll always hate how she destroyed herself. If she'd gotten mental/spiritual help and stuck with it, I'm convinced it was possible she wouldn't have done the murders. I resolved to NEVER be like her and started counseling not long after the murders. I wanted to KNOW if I had bipolar disorder like her, and if I did, to treat it in every way. I have PTSD and panic disorder. Anyway, you're welcome and I'm glad you found this board. It's a huge help to many. It's the 1st place I "met" other inter-family MVS and I was like "thank you, God!" as I didn't meet any at the in-person support group I'd gone to for a few years.
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Post by summer on Oct 29, 2007 18:41:10 GMT -5
Laura, I'm sorry I guess I called you pumpkin rather than by your name! I haven't been one for catching all the details lately.
Your replies have been very helpful. After reading your post and others, I do think I'm dealing with it as best as I can. It just seems to be in small pieces. It seems like I can only cry so hard for so long.
This happened in another state and I'm going back for Christmas. Not really to celebrate the holiday, but to ensure my sister is not alone for Christmas. I'm sure these first holidays without my dad will be very hard. When my mom died back in December 2001, I never thought I would be able to get through it. I'm convinced now that if I hadn't gone through that, I would probably not be able to get through this. It's funny; I'm 44 years old and now with both of my parents gone, I sometimes feel just like a little girl. I miss them so much.
My dad spent so much time trying to help my nephew and was so disheartened and frustrated. I know he is in a better place and finally at peace. That is the only thing that gives me some comfort.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Oct 29, 2007 19:10:01 GMT -5
Hey summer:
A friend of mine who lost both of his parents within months of each other told me that he felt like an orphan now. And he is older than you are -- I believe he's in his 50's. It's very difficult to live life without the safety net of your parents...no matter how old or young you are.
I know how you feel about your Dad being in a better place, and taking comfort from that. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going and gives me peace.
Take care.
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Post by demor215 on Oct 29, 2007 19:11:36 GMT -5
Summer, I'm so sorry about your dad. I agree with everyone else, you are very new at this, it is still very early and very fresh. No one can put a time line on your grief. You just have to deal with it the best way you can. You have come to a good place here. I lost my daughter in 2001 and I wish I had found this site sooner than I did. We're here for you anytime. Hugs.
Debbie.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 1, 2007 8:02:40 GMT -5
Laura, I'm sorry I guess I called you pumpkin rather than by your name! I haven't been one for catching all the details lately. Your replies have been very helpful. After reading your post and others, I do think I'm dealing with it as best as I can. It just seems to be in small pieces. It seems like I can only cry so hard for so long. This happened in another state and I'm going back for Christmas. Not really to celebrate the holiday, but to ensure my sister is not alone for Christmas. I'm sure these first holidays without my dad will be very hard. When my mom died back in December 2001, I never thought I would be able to get through it. I'm convinced now that if I hadn't gone through that, I would probably not be able to get through this. It's funny; I'm 44 years old and now with both of my parents gone, I sometimes feel just like a little girl. I miss them so much. My dad spent so much time trying to help my nephew and was so disheartened and frustrated. I know he is in a better place and finally at peace. That is the only thing that gives me some comfort. Dear Summer, I don't mind being called Pumpkin at all! I picked that name as a tribute to my cat that died last year, who was named Pumpkin. Summer, the fact that you're sane is MAKING IT and doing it greatly! Also the fact that you've sought out support on here is a sign that you're working on healing. We do that to the best of our ability. I don't think we're ever 100% healed and it's my personal belief that won't happen until the 2nd coming of Christ! If I'm not alive when that happens, I hope after I die I'll be fully healed and also get the answers to my questions about the ultimate WHY. Ie., what's the ultimate reason this happened to my family? That's great of you to not want your Sister to be alone on the holiday. You're right in that if you make it through 1 tragedy, then you can make it through another! I know what you mean about feeling alone without your parents. I lost Dad and Grandma at age 24 and Mom died when I was 32. Actually, she wasn't a parent after the murders as she was so mentally sick. Plus, I didn't want an in person relationship with her anymore. I feel like a little girl, too, at times and HATE SO MUCH when people down their parents and their parents are very good to them! It's hard for me to hold back and not scream at them don't you know how blessed you are to have good parents who are ALIVE? I get comfort, too, thinking about the afterlife. My Dad started going back to church right before the murders! Unfortunately, I was so into my own world back then I didn't even ask him why. He went by himself a lot. I think God got through to him somehow and/or maybe Dad knew on some level he didn't have much longer. I just wish if I'd asked him about it! Dad's away from the abuse from Mom plus he was disabled with rheumatoid arthritis and told me he had pain 24 hours a day despite the medicines he took. So he's out of pain now. Anyway, you're welcome on the replies. You'll find on here that your efforts will help you heal, too, which is 1 thing that's wonderful about this board. Take care.
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