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Post by meldog79 on Dec 12, 2007 23:17:52 GMT -5
hi im not sue if anyone here remembers me but i wrote probably last in january. it had only been a few months since the loss of my son and mother by the hands of my brother. the reason i havent written is partly because i wasnt ready and also because i was living with several different people on and off for months and did not have my own computer. in case im not remembered my nightmare is that my brother killed my mother and 3 three year old son with an axe on september 4 2006, he hit them both 6 times in a rage and then took my moms car to the freeway and jumped in front of a truck. he was a drug abuser who unfortuantly became mentally ill. i know drewsmom i think is the name was someone who definetly had gone through something very similar to my situation. her story was probably the only one i have heared all these months that is somewhat like mine. having a story like mine makes me feel even lonelier. people tell me to join support groups but i have felt that no one really understood my pain. the only support group i could find in my area was compassionate friends. they are people who lost their children. it was a bit helpful but i still felt like they had no idea how i felt, none of them had lost the way i had. this site i beleive can be helpful i hope since all of you have lost loved ones by the hands of family. so i would like to beable to join in again with you guys if i am able to and drewsmom, id love to hear from you too about how u r doing?
melanie willis
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Post by taterfay on Dec 13, 2007 16:19:06 GMT -5
Hi! I am so sorry about your mother and son. I can't even imagine the hell you've gone through (well, I can because I lost my sister to murder..but to lose two different family members all at once)...I'm sure drewsmom will read this and answer. Her story IS similar! Take care of yourself and welcome back! Hugs, Stacey
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 14, 2007 6:28:21 GMT -5
Hi melanie:
I do remember you! And I was wondering what happened to you, and how you are doing. Believe it or not, there are several others on this board besides you and me who have also had loved ones (mostly brothers, but sometimes husbands, mothers, fathers and in-laws) kill their family members. It is a special kind of hell that we have to live through, and THIS SITE is the only place where I have found others who are going through the same thing that i am.
You are most definitely not alone. Like you, I joined support groups but dropped out because I felt like such a freak. While the support group was for traumatic loss, most everyone in the group lost their loved one to a car accident. They just gaped at me when I told them that my brother killed my Dad.
This board has really been a life line for me because I've been able to post a question about how I'm feeling, and get responses from people who are standing in the same shoes as me. I hope you'll do the same, because the people here are really fantastic. Everyone is so supportive and truly cares about each other.
I know that the holidays are coming up, and this must be an especially difficult time for you. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight. Take care, Melanie!
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Post by cthewig on Dec 14, 2007 7:20:17 GMT -5
Hi Melanie, My brother strangled my Dad to death in August of this year. I haven't really talked to anyone outside of my immediate family about it. I suppose that I feel a bit stigmatized by what my brother did. I don't want other people to know what happened in case they start thinking that something is wrong with me as well. I find the anonymity of this forum to be really helpful. I feel that I am able to vent more openly and honestly than if I was in a support group meeting. I just want you to know though that I am having some of the same experiences as you. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Take care.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 14, 2007 8:50:38 GMT -5
Dear drewsmom, inter-family murders make up a MINIMUM of 22% of ALL murder cases in the US! That's nearly a quarter. The more of us that speak up, the better! We can SHOW people that the unfair stereotypes that some have about us and our cases don't apply in ALL cases. The fact that we're on here and sane also proves that people CAN re-build their lives to a degree after the tragedy of murder. I'm convinced if we don't speak out and have specific support for us (like this board. Thank God for it!) that the unfair stereotypical thinking will keep going on and more people will believe it. We need specific support because we have things to deal with that other MVS don't. Of course, ALL MVS have at least a few things in common. When you say people just gaped at you it makes me furious. I've been through it, too. I hate it with a passion. But, we're here and speaking out and by being visible and showing the REALITY of the fact that at least 22% of murders in the US are inter-family we can at the least try to change the unfair thinking of some out there.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 14, 2007 8:54:34 GMT -5
Dear meldog79, it's great to hear from you again. Is there a Parents of Murdered Children meeting by you? I was blessed to have 1 by me and went for a few years. It helped me a TON, but of course, there were a few there who treated me with fear and hesitancy once I started saying WHO did the murders. So what else is new? That's a big reason I started speaking out. This board is the 1ST place I "met" other inter-family MVS and I thank God for that. The 1's who have been through it also are the 1's who fully understand how it is. It's great to hear from you again. Take care.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 14, 2007 9:05:54 GMT -5
Dear cthewig, it's great to hear from you again. There's those out there who WILL stigmatize you. You'll hear these lies: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree (of course, these "know-it-alls" believe that cliches apply in all cases); no murderer ever did ANY good act in his/her life before the murders; if a murderer claims to repent it's only a front to get out of charges, etc.; all family of the perpetrator are trying to get their family member out of the charges; all family of the perpetrator are as bad as them; all family of the perpetrator harrass the MVS; inter-family MVS don't deserve ANY support (I heard that 1 this past week. ); you're WRONG (or you get GRILLED on WHY you choose to love) to still love the perpetrator; you're EXCUSING what your family member did or trying to make it LESS EVIL than it was, etc. You also get treated with fear and hesitancy by some. They don't have to say anything. You can see it in their body language, facial expressions, etc. Remember that there's always going to be these know-it-alls (who, of course, have never had a family member murder another) and don't let them shut you up! That's what they WANT! Hold your head high and keep going! "Living well is the best revenge" really applies in these cases. Your words and actions will disprove their lies. I'm very thankful that the MAJORITY I've run into aren't like this.
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Post by meldog79 on Dec 14, 2007 16:55:29 GMT -5
thanks pumpkin, i did look for a meeting of parents of murdered children but here in sacramento california there is nothing, the only one is compassionate friends. i am glad i found you guys though i definetly feel more at home here amongst people who understand my horror not just the loss of a child, it is how i lost my child and mother that i need help with. thanks to you all for your support and i will try to get online and support you all as well.
melanie
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Post by friends4ever on Dec 15, 2007 4:25:29 GMT -5
Hello Melanie,
I am also in Sacramento and have just started to look for a support group, I have never really done much as far as support groups but my 16 yr old son is having a hard time lately.
He was 4 years old when my brother killed his wife, my best friend. It is amazing how much of an impact this is making 12 yrs later. He told me that he misses her so much and we have been talking alot, this has opened up old wounds for me so I could use it just as much as he can.
I will let you know if I find anything, or if you just need someone who can identify a little then maybe we could meet for coffee somewhere.
Melinda
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Post by meldog79 on Dec 15, 2007 23:42:25 GMT -5
melinda thanks so much, i would love to meet sometime if you need to talk too, im in elk grove area. im so sorry for you losses the only group i know of is for a loss of a child. if i find anything too i will let you know. let me know when you are free sometime and we can see if we can meet.
melanie
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 16, 2007 9:19:53 GMT -5
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Post by rblanton2159 on Dec 30, 2007 5:05:17 GMT -5
Melanie,
There were no support groups in my area either but I found that hospice has grief counseling and there are numerous hospice foundations all over. I always thought they were just there for terminally ill patients but they have a wide range of help. I went for a while and then my son, who was 10 at the time of Amanda's murder, decided to go as well. We didn't go for very long but I really think it helped both of us the best it could. The other thing is that there is no charge. We donated money when we got back on our feet but it was a wonderful feeling to know there are people to help even though it is not truly a support group.
I hope this helps in some way, Amanda's Aunt Randy
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Post by acavana on Jan 1, 2008 18:44:54 GMT -5
Melanie,
I find it both unfortunally comforting and equally tragic when I hear of somebody else who has not only gone through a murder, which is just awful in itself, but a horrific or multiple murder. What I love about this group of people is that nobody is shocked by our details, and we can share and vent and know that we are not alone. I remember you, also. I am happy to learn that you are still around and have come back. I found that I went to a counselor and finally got the courage to plot my live experiances, and she couldn't handle it. I don't know if she thought that I was lying or what. I haven't gone back and instead come here. Lot's of love and support to you.
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Post by friends4ever on Jan 1, 2008 18:57:16 GMT -5
Hello Melanie,
I have searched and searched and I find only support groups for loss of a child as well, my son did get a pamplet for a grief support group so I'm going to look into that for him and see what happens from there. I was also thinking about looking into WEAVE and see if they have anything, it is a center for domestic abuse and I can not imagine that they don't have something.
I am willing to get together and meet, who knows if we cant find something then maybe we can create something...
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