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Post by briandennis on Nov 16, 2007 19:20:13 GMT -5
We are truly members of a very small club. Even on this board the sure volume of posts and replies between solved and unsolved is tremendous. Sadly we are the forgotten victims. Oh how I dream of the day when my status will change going from unsolved to solved. However as the years pass this is looking very doubtful. I have decided that coping with the loss is hard enough with out dwelling on the the circumstances. After all if my father would have been hit by a plane while taking a walk on a run way makes more sense than what happened to him. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for coping?
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 18, 2007 12:30:33 GMT -5
Dear briandennis, I'm very sorry the perpetrator (or perpetrators) haven't been caught yet. The things I did that helped/help were/are: counseling helped the most. It saved my life. Going to Parents of Murdered Children meetings. Coming on boards like this 1 and talking to other MVS. Writing about it all. Going to church counseling to cover the spiritual aspects of it all that weren't covered in regular counseling. I don't know what it's like to have an unsolved case. The only thing we had happen that's similar in any way is that we don't know all that happened the day before the murders. MOST things we know. But some we still don't. 1 thing was my Dad was VERY upset the morning of the murders. We THINK we know why, but don't know 100% for sure. I just had to give this up to God to keep my sanity. There's nothing else my family could do about finding out more with Dad and Grandma gone and then Mom died 10 years ago. 1 of my family asked Mom direct about the murders and he only got so much information out of her. So, I had to give it up to God. I prayed that if I can't find out ALL the things that happened that day before AND the ultimate WHY of WHY did the murders happen at all in THIS LIFE to give me peace with it all. I'm HOPING in the afterlife I'll get all the answers on all this. I found a support group for people with unsolved crimes: www.lonzyhaywoodminshew.com/links.html. It's a yahoo group and is in the upper right corner of the page. When I was looking on the Internet for support groups, I didn't find many that are for people with unsolved cases. This is sad and wrong. Anyway, I hope this info might help you and that 1 day justice is done in your case. Take care.
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Post by taterfay on Nov 18, 2007 18:39:40 GMT -5
I am so sorry about your father and I hope that his killer(s) will be caught one day. It was bad enough knowing who killed my sister. I can't even imagine not knowing who did it. As far as coping...this board has helped alot. I've also had counseling, gone to a grief support group...I've done A LOT of writing and I've talked and talked and talked about what happened and about how my grief affects me and all of this has helped me quite a bit. I seem to be having more and more good days and that I feel blessed for..but any little thing can send me into a tailspin. Good luck!! Stacey
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Nov 18, 2007 20:09:52 GMT -5
Dear briandennis,
First I must say I am so sorry for your loss of your father. I still have so very many questions even after my daughter's murder being solved, I cannot imagine how hard it must be for that to never happen, and my heart goes out to you so very much.
Personally I have done a lot of the same things that pumpkin12903 told you about. Writing and MVS support groups were probably the most helpful things to me other than the therapy - I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist, and spent a lot of time with a friend who was studying to be a grief counselor. I also needed to take anti-depressants for a time, and my flashbacks slowed down to very very few when I finally did that.
My husband never went to therapy, except with me for a few times. He did not have the PTSD symptoms that I had, but he did have and still sometimes have a lot of fury after what was done to our girl. And no wonder. We stood in that hospital for 2 days watching our youngest daughter die from those wounds.
He still swears that cutting trees down was the best therapy he could have found. (fortunately we did have some trees that did need to be cleared, so they were coming down anyway). He also says building things helped him. I think of it as his using that anger tension and energy to get something good done, instead of sitting and letting it fester. Something about the cutting and hammering and seeing something real come from it. Somehow that helps him.
Different people grieve in different ways. Sometimes we were surprised at the things we found that helped us a bit one step at a time. I hope you share with us things you may find that help you too. We are still trying to figure out what the next step can be ourselves at times.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Dec 1, 2007 18:52:29 GMT -5
Dear briandennis:
One-on-one counseling really helped me alot. And reading books on grief, life after death and spirituality helped me come to peace with the senselessness of the crime. Beside the utter physical pain from grief, the hardest part for me was trying to make sense of something which never will make sense to me.
When things seem overwhelming, I do something physical like taking a brisk walk. Somehow, it helps me work off my frustration and anxiety by moving around.
Crying also is a release. I hope you're able to find some ways to bring peace back into your life. Take care!
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