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Post by kellik on Sept 19, 2008 20:13:37 GMT -5
It is just so unbelievable that this is even happening...I cannot even begin to comprehend it much less try to deal with it......My Mother....the most amazing, funny, excitement loving woman I know was murdered in June of this year. 11 days later they arrested my husband for her murder...the person who was supposed to love, honor, cherish me....destroyed me....there is nothing left but this big black nothingness that is overwhelming me.....nothing makes sense...I go through the motions...my family is trying so hard to help me....things just seem to get worse and worse......how are you supposed to survive something like this.....words cannot even begin to describe what is going on inside of me..my entire life, gone in a instant....
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Sept 20, 2008 2:47:42 GMT -5
Dear kellik, I'm very sorry about your Mother. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. What you're feeling is normal. The 1st months and years after our tragedies are the worst. Please don't be hard on yourself as all your emotions are normal for what's happened to you. My Mother murdered my Dad and Grandma in 1990. To this day, I've never felt a betrayal as evil and horrible as this was! It does really shatter your trust in ANYONE! I've worked a lot of years in counseling to resolve (to the best degree it CAN be resolved) this and all the other results of what Mom did to my family and I. The things that helped me the most were/are: counseling has helped the most. It was wonderful to go there and say whatever I wanted about the tragedy! What a wonderful freedom! The other things were/are: writing about it; talking to understanding friends and family; coming on boards like this 1 and others; going to Parents of Murdered Children meetings and getting counseling at church to cover the spiritual aspects of the whole thing that weren't covered in regular counseling. You may want to check into Parents of Murdered Children. There's a link to them on here. It was a HUGE help for me as I started going to meetings not long after the murders. Also, when this SPECIFIC board started, it was a huge help to me and still is! Inter-family murders make up at LEAST 22% of all murders in the US! There's a lot more of us out there than we realize at 1st. We have issues to deal with that other MVS don't, such as: do we stay in touch with the murderer? How do we resolve/reconcile our emotions about the murderer? What if we still love the murderer? Do we want to break off contact or not with the murderer? I think 1 thing that's always kept me going was to say I'd NEVER be like Mom, EVER! She destroyed herself and her husband and Mother also. She was abused herself by her Mother and gave into the bitterness, rage, etc. that's a result of abuse. I know this because she verbally/emotionally abused me up until the time of the murders. She didn't resolve her own abuse. She GAVE IN. I said I'd never give in like her. I'd known for a lot of years I needed mental help. The murders got me to get it and I learned that I had to resolve my own abuse issues. I know 1 other thing kept me going was God. Despite this, I turned away from God after the murders and those were the worst years of my life in certain ways. I was already an alcoholic and got worse and worse. I got sober for at least a few reasons and then the progress in counseling really sped up. Another reason I kept going is my family was in the same hell as me, thanks to Mom's actions. I had suicidal thoughts right after the murders and at least 1 other time a few years after. I refused to put my family through more hell. And that's what they would have had if I'd given into the suicidal thoughts. These are the things that have helped me and some of the reasons I kept going. If you don't mind my asking, what's the status of your case? Is your husband going to go to trial? Again, welcome to the board and know that we're here for you. Take care.
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Post by drewsmom595 on Sept 20, 2008 3:02:28 GMT -5
Hi Kellik:
Your question -- How do you survive this -- was exactly the same question I asked myself the second morning after my twin brother killed my father. I had woken up and for a second thought that the murder was a bad dream. Then I realized that I was awake and I was living a nightmare!! I feared that I couldn't handle it. It was too much and I would either lose my mind or simply have a heart attack or something.
Please know that you can survive this -- if the shock of it didn't kill you initially then you have the internal fortitude to survive this. Counseling is what helped me the most. When someone you love kills someone else that you love, there are so many conflicting feelings that you have to sort through. I couldn't do it by myself. You experience a double loss and need to be able to grieve both losses.
My heart goes out to you because you're still in the initial stages of grief. As time passes, you somehow learn how to live with pain and heartbreak. It's not easy, I'm not going to lie to you. And you'll have some good days and some not so good days.
Please know that everyone here has experienced the same pain and we're all trying to help each other through it. We're here for you.
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Post by kellik on Sept 20, 2008 10:24:32 GMT -5
Thank you both for your thoughts and support.....The case status at this point is just a whole bunch of waiting...The evidence is so strong that even his own attorney has told him he will never be out..He says to others that he does not want to put his family through the horror of a murder trial, he says he is following his attorneys advice on waiting for the discovery to all be in, then will decide what to do...yet at the same time you hear the rumors of he is throwing different defences out there to see what may work.....who knows? How can I trust anything he says after what he did??? My heart is telling me that he is just trying to make sure he does not get the death penalty, I truly believe if that were off the table he would plead to life and this would be over.....Others tell me I am kidding myself.....It is so difficult, I can't even breath some days...I have terror and panic attacks at night, I am 46 years old and cannot be alone at night...i am living on my 23 yr old sons couch since I cannot tolerate living in my own home....We were married for 18 years, my Mom was my best friend....my life as I knew it is gone.....I wish some days that Jesus would just come take me home......I am thankful for finding this forum.....everyone around me avoids talking about this, I understand it is uncomfortable for others but I feel like I am going to explode if I am not able to get thoughts out of my head...thank you all for listening, it really does help.....blessings!
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maggieg
Regular
Lenny 06-18-61 to 06-29-06
Posts: 341
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Post by maggieg on Sept 21, 2008 19:49:14 GMT -5
I am so sorry this happened to you. I cannot sya you will ever feel close to being over this as you probably will not. Did you see this coming at all? Did they argue a lot? Has he been trying to set you up at all in this? Again, I am so sorry for your loss. BEST WISHES TO YOU ARE YOUR FAMILY.
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Post by kellik on Sept 22, 2008 21:53:41 GMT -5
Maggieg, I did not see this coming....they did not argue any more or less than many families do.....NO ONE for the 11 days before his arrest SAW ANYTHING different in him....it is truly terrifying when i stop to think about it.....He cried with me...held me...comforted me...I SAW NOTHING....I am not sure I will EVER be able to trust ANYONE again....I honestly am not sure what his defense will be, we really haven't heard anything but rumors....
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Post by wordup on Sept 23, 2008 1:14:15 GMT -5
My heart goes out to you as I read your post. I've tried to figure out the whys and you know I'm still doing it, wondering what really went wrong, and will I ever really know the truth. Take care of yourself.
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maggieg
Regular
Lenny 06-18-61 to 06-29-06
Posts: 341
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Post by maggieg on Sept 25, 2008 11:26:55 GMT -5
WOW Kellik. I agree how you may not feel like you can trust again. What amazes me is how he did all of the emotions with you along his side. Makes you wonder what he was crying for. This is so heartless. I could never ever imagine someone so close, doing this to my loved one. You suffered great losses. Your family, torn apart. I don't know what to say besides I am so sorry for you and your mother. God Bless!
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Post by taterfay on Sept 26, 2008 11:49:22 GMT -5
I am so sorry about your mother (and the fact that your husband is the suspect)...it's almost like you have lost two people instead of just one. This is very shocking!! I'm glad you found this board and hope you come here often to read, post, etc. Big Hugs to you! Stacey
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Post by kellik on Sept 29, 2008 19:52:10 GMT -5
Thank you all again for your thoughts and kind words...today, actually last week also, has been extremely rough for some reason. I am so tired...no sleep....soooo many changes...I am having a hard time just going through the basics..I just don't know what to do. I am having to sell not only my Mom's house but my own. There is just too much of him there, I can't bear to be there. Life would be much easier if I could..... I need my Mom...she is not there... I need my husband..he is not there... I need the comfort of my home..it is not there... He has taken it all away from me.....
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Post by taterfay on Oct 3, 2008 17:02:18 GMT -5
Please remember to let others help you! This is such a hard time for you right now and it will be really hard to sell those houses right now (though I totally understand your need to)....If you need to delay things for a bit, then do that..do whatever it takes to get through each day..even if that means just lying in bed and crying. Lean on your other family members and your friends! Wish I could take everybody's pain away!! xoxo, Stacey
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Post by kellik on Oct 5, 2008 20:25:02 GMT -5
So, tomorrow is our 18th wedding anniversary...this is such a nightmare! There is nothing but darkness and pain....it hurts to even breathe most days....I feel like I am slipping away into the darkness.....
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Post by katie41160 on Oct 7, 2008 10:47:31 GMT -5
wow i am sooo sorry for what you are going through my mom was murdered by her health care attendant 3 yrs ago and he was a very close friend to the family. i know what you mean by the trusting again. i have had the same feelings and i always still to this day ask why. i know the pain you are feeling and within time it does get easier. of course it will always hurt and im happy you have found this site it has helped me alot. i hope that you can find the same comfort that i have found here. take care of your self... big hugs to you hun. if you ever need to chat feel free to pm me anytime, katie
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 25, 2008 9:21:44 GMT -5
Thank you all again for your thoughts and kind words...today, actually last week also, has been extremely rough for some reason. I am so tired...no sleep....soooo many changes...I am having a hard time just going through the basics..I just don't know what to do. I am having to sell not only my Mom's house but my own. There is just too much of him there, I can't bear to be there. Life would be much easier if I could..... I need my Mom...she is not there... I need my husband..he is not there... I need the comfort of my home..it is not there... He has taken it all away from me..... Dear kellik, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Isn't it WONDERFUL how the murderer turns our lives upside down? All the tiredness, etc., you're feeling is normal. I notice you said you have panic attacks. Have you seen a medical doctor for this? I have it and once I was diagnosed it was a huge relief. The medication I was put on has helped tremendously. I'm in the process of switching to a new medicine that's also working well. If you don't mind my asking, how's the status of your case? Know that we're here for you. Take care.
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Post by shadow on Oct 25, 2008 21:46:08 GMT -5
Hi, Kellik -
So very sorry for your multiple losses. They are tragic, and you did not see them coming. To lose two of the closest people to you in this way, and this suddenly is truly devastating.
In response to "surviving" and coping, what has worked for me as well as many of the other "respondees" on this list is good counseling. It is SOOOO important to tell your story, to talk it out, to not be in this alone. It's hard sometimes, because it can feel like your friends are "over it", or nobody else understands your tremendous pain. But, finding a good therapist, staying in touch on this list, and finding perhaps a support group of people who have been through similar enough experiences will help you to bear this.
Best wishes, and know that there are many here who hold you and their pain in their hearts...you can trust in that.
Shadow
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Post by kellik on Oct 26, 2008 22:17:41 GMT -5
The status of the case is waiting...the DA says they are and have been ready...the defense keeps putting things off....apparently the evidence against him is so strong his own attorney has told him he will never get out....
I miss my Mom so much...I miss talking to her, I miss her smile, her laugh,,I miss shopping with her....it is such a physical pain......
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