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Post by kkingme on Mar 5, 2009 23:24:46 GMT -5
well it just seems to get harder and harder with each passing day. I miss my mother so much with each passing day. I pick up the phone to call her but to realize she will never again answer the call. There is so much anger inside me since her murder. I am not the same person I used to be at all. Now that the trial is starting up I am just so stressed out. Of course they are not going for the death penally. So he will more than likely get life in jail. Big deal, he will still get visits from his family, letters, memories, etc. While I sit here and cant ever touch, smell, laugh, have dinner, or tell my mom how much I love her ever again. When he killed her he killed me as well. I am not the mother to my two girls that I used to be. My oldest daughter is having such a hard time with losing her grandmother that I don't even know how to help her, cause I cant even help myself. I don't sleep but maybe 3 hours a night. The night is the worst part!!!! Thats when I just cry all night. Wishing I could smell her perfume again, her hair, and watch her work a candle. Why has this happen? What reason? This man has no care in the world that he has murdered my mother at all. I hate him so much. I wish so much evil on him. I just want this man DEAD!!!! I don't talk about this to no one cause I don't want to burden them with it. She was taken from me on July 9,2008 and time just seems to keep going by. I want it to stop passing by. I have no idea how I am even going to handle the July 9, 2009 that is soon coming up. I want to just crawl under a rock and not be here any longer but I have to cause of my children. thanks for listening to me ramble on.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Mar 6, 2009 6:36:55 GMT -5
Dear kkingme, I'm very sorry you're going through all this. It's not abnormal to wish the murderer dead. Even though the murderer in my familys' case was my Mother, I wished she'd die naturally many times. When she did, the biggest feeling I had was RELIEF. Have you talked to a medical doctor about your sleeping issues? With the stress you're already under, not getting enough sleep can make that worse. My sleep wasn't the same after the murders and I needed medical help with all that because I have panic disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. Know that we're here for you and ready to listen. Take care.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Mar 6, 2009 8:25:55 GMT -5
Dear kkingme,
I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother. Yes murder is so very senseless, and the anger is so huge. My anger used to frighten me and wear me out too. I had not known I could even feel like that before my daughter was murdered.
One thing that helped me a bit was when I started walking every day. Being outside and seeing nature helped to calm me a bit. Like you, I could not sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time back then. So it was hard to get started, I was so tired. But I started out going just a few blocks a day, and over time was able to build up, and able to feel a bit less consumed with the tension at least sometimes after a while.
I resisted going on medication for the first couple of years, even though my therapist advised it. But once I did let them give me antidepressants for 6 to 8 months, it did help me. I finally started to be able to sleep 4 to 5 hours sometimes. And after a time, was not physically hurting from the tension anymore. Moments of peace, moments and even hours to relax at times, these made a big difference for me. And I wished I had done it sooner.
I had to find ways to vent that anger so I could break its hold on me. One thing that I still do sometimes is throwing rocks at trees. The trees don't mind. And I can even say what is on my mind while I am doing it. And no one is hurt, and I can spend that anger and release it or ease it for a time.
My oldest daughter and I seemed to do better talking to other people sometimes too. We could say what each of us needed to, and not worry that we were making it worse for the other, which I think caused us to hold back at times. After the people that didn't seem to want to hear for so long, it was such a relief for me to eventually find friends that could listen and understand. And I do believe we need someone it is safe to talk to who will not judge us. Whether it is a friend, or support group, or an internet board, or a therapist.
I wrote every day in my journal for a long time. That was another way to let things out, when no one else I thought could bear to listen was there that day. I write things in there about our Beth too when I am missing her. Or just write her a letter to tell her all the ways I am thinking of her, all the wonderful things I remember that were such a joy when she was here with us.
I pray that justice will be done, and you will be able to vent that anger, and that we can help you by listening along the way.
And I believe you can tell your mother that you love her - no not the same, but we still can. And I believe they can hear us - that whether we can see them right now or not, the love never ends.
I hope there is something in all my rambling that can help somehow. Wishing you moments of peace and rest.
You will be in my prayers,
Janet
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Post by kellik on Mar 26, 2009 13:57:04 GMT -5
I also lost my mother last year, June 6th 2008. 11 days later they arrested my husband for her murder, my life ended that night....I lost my mother, my husband, my home, my entire life as I knew it, gone.....you are not alone....it does not always help knowing that I know.
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Post by cpruitt78 on Apr 13, 2009 12:54:00 GMT -5
I wont lie and give you a fairytale of how time heals all pain... I will tell you that what your feeling is very, very normal... I would suggest that you find someone to talk to... I think it would help you tremendously. You have to validate and express your anger and pain so you can more effectivly learn to deal with it. I dealt with my paina and anger by making a memorial website, keeping a daily journal online and off, I became a community activist against domestic violence, I am ammending current laws in my state to be less leinient against these crimes... My way may not be the best way for you- I just wanted to give you a few ideas that may help you. My daughter is 14 and having a very hard time with her Aunts murder- I talk with her very openly about the situation and her feelings. I am sure your children need an outlet as well- I really think you need to find someone to talk to- You can apply dfor assistance for counseling up to $5000 worth thru the state as a murder victim survivor (at least you can her in Alabama) If I can help you in anyway , please let me know...
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