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Post by kellik on Mar 26, 2009 14:04:49 GMT -5
Just to update, sometimes a blessing can happen in this madness called murder. June 6th 2008 my mother was murdered, 11 days later they arrested my husband for her murder. No question that he did this. It has been a horrific 9 months, however he did step up and do the right thing. March 12th 2009 he pled guilty to aggravated murder and was sentenced to a minimum of 30 years, also waived all rights to appeal. He will be 75 years old when the 30 years is up.
I am thankful he spared our family the horror of a murder trial, sometimes there are blessings. Now the hard part begins, you get so wrapped up in the justice system that it does not allow everything to truly sink in. Now I need to try to figure out how to live.........
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Mar 26, 2009 17:15:17 GMT -5
Hi kelik,
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother, and the loss of the life you knew before. I cannot imagine what that must be like, but I feel you must be very strong to come so far as you have already. Blessings are wished for you, dear lady.
I am so very glad that it ended up with a sentence that feels right to you. That does help in at least some ways I think.
One of my daughter's murderers had a trial, and the second one pleaded guilty. Yes the trial was much much harder, the reliving of it all, and looking at the details of it. But I had a big crash after the plea hearing too. It was less to see and hear, but still a big reminder of so many things brought to the forefront again.
After both of them, I ended up back in the worst of what I called my fog. Another thread here seems some of you call it a twilight zone. I think that could be much the same thing.
The thing I found, for me at least, and I know it can be very different for each of us - is that it did not take me nearly so long to come back out of that fog from that crash after trial, or after the plea. And I found that after time I could really begin to grieve, rather than just sit in horror and eternal tension, at least sometimes.
Work helped me some, doing things that took physical activity helped some, and just letting myself grieve for her finally too. I hope so very much that you find the ways that work for you.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers,
Janet
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Post by drewsmom595 on Mar 28, 2009 6:22:45 GMT -5
Hi KelliK:
I used to be more active on this board, but recently I haven't posting as much. Your recent posts, however, have made we want to reach out to you.
Having your Mom killed by your husband is very different than having her killed by a stranger. This inter-family violence is so common and yet there's so little information that I have been able to find on how to deal with such a double shock and double loss. And it is a double loss because you're actually losing two family members to one HORRIFIC incident.
You will feel like you're in the Twilight zone for awhile. I found that term a few years ago and posted it here in another thread because it so perfectly described what I was feeling. I just felt numb. I was angry, sad, scared, and confused all at the same time. The person that I loved most in this world had just killed another person that I loved most in this world.
I'm glad you avoided the assault of a trial. I use the word "assault" very deliberately because that's what it felt like to have to talk about the absolute worst day of my life in front a packed courtroom of virtual strangers...and to be on the witness list for both the prosecution and the defense and have to see my brother staring back at me from the defense table.
I wasn't prepared for the aftermath of the trial, however. I really bought into that whole line of closure. That somehow, now that the trial was over, that I would feel relief and could get on with my life. For me, the anticipation of closure was a letdown. Sure, I felt better that the trial was over. But nothing really had changed. Justice really wasn't done. My Dad still was dead. And I still was living with horrible sadness. No one had prepared me that I may be feeling like this. I hope you do indeed feel closure...but if you don't, then do not be surprised by it. I have talked to other MVS who feel the same way.
I try not to think about a lifetime of this pain, but rather think of day at a time still. I have a great job, a great family (what's remaining of it) and in many ways my life is better than it was before my brother murdered my Dad because I've got my priorities straight.
But the hollowness and sadness and deep grief, I'm afraid, will always be buried inside of me. I've had it for 5 years now and I think I will always carry a part of it with me.
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