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Post by shamim on Apr 4, 2009 20:49:28 GMT -5
It's exactly been a month (March 4, 2009)since the phone call I got from my younger sister, "mom is dead". Mom was only 45! She had her whole life in front of her, how can she be gone? She barely had any wrinkles in her face. How can she be gone? I thought it's a mistake I refused to believe it, I still can't believe it. I live in Toronto, Canada, and she lived in Europe with my dad and 5 younger siblings. The dirty man had a very dirty past and he always thought all people are as dirty as him. I NOW know that he was diagnosed with paranoid Schizofernia. He strangled her to death just before kids got home from school but he hid her body in the house before walking to the police station to tell them what he had done. He is in some mental hospital now but he has access to phone and has called me and left me messages a few times. He talks as if nothing has happend. I once got the guts to pick up the phone, I told him what I wanted to tell and he told me how he did it when I asked. I keep picturing her in my head trying to push him away in disbelief. He told all of us couple of months back that he wanted to kill but the doctors and the cops and the social workers that knew all that did nothing. they kept him in the mental hospital for 2 days and sent him back home. My poor mom didnt beleive he was capable of killing her after 30 years of marriage and 6 kids together. I have lost the will to live. I have a 9 year old of my own or I would end my own life. I had a zest for life people admired but I've lost everything. Nothing matters, I want to die so I can find out where she is, so I can hopefully see her again. I used to call her weekly and talk for hours literally. I MISS HER SOOOO MUCH, and it HURTS. Last time I saw her was September 2008 when I went to visit her. I havent told people at work or most my friends that my mom was murdered, let alone murdered by my dad. So I see that people look at me and wonder why I'm so emotional as I am. I JUST MISS HER. and I can't believe she's gone and I can't believe he had that in him to do that to her after all she did for him. She used to rub cream on his foot and we would make fun of her for doing that to a very capable grown man. She was a true angle, not just to us her kids, but everyone who knew her would say that even before she was gone. WHY did god have to take her? Why not him? He was a pest who was sucking life out of mom and the kids, hitting them abusing them and just making life a living hell for them. Why couldnt he die? Why did she have to go? She was needed by all of her kids including me. I'm 28 and out of the house but I still got her advice on EVERYTHING, even the things most daughters dont talk about with their moms. I still dont get it. It's so unfair. and I dont know what the laws are in Europe, he might be able to get out in some years from now but we dont know if he'll be sentenced as a sick person or a normal one. He sounds normal as can be but looking back, there were pointers and we didnt see them and I'm full of guilt. I thought he couldnt hurt a fly which was true but he killed the ONLY person that mattered to me in life (beside my daughter). I have a man in my life that was days away from proposing (we were ring shopping) but now I dont feel like I can make anyone else happy. I'm trying to push him out of my life so I can go live in Europe closer to where my siblings are (youngest one is 6) and closer to mom. I feel that's where she is and that's where her kids are and that's where I should be. I dont know what to do, i'm hurt, angry, confused, devistated and lost.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Apr 4, 2009 22:03:02 GMT -5
Dear Shamim,
Oh the horror, bless your heart. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious precious Mom. I am so sorry that you know this pain. I know it seems as if the world is ending right now, it is so soon, and such a huge part of your world has been taken from you so horribly. I am so sorry.
I am glad however that you found this place, because you do need someone to talk to about it all. I know. I remember. That soon after my daughter's murder, most of the time I was still in a fog of shock, but sometimes it would all just burst out of me in a flood of emotions too. I needed someone to talk to. I hope you can come here whenever you feel you need to.
I too can remember when it seemed like a world where such horrible things could happen was not where I wanted to be. It took time, and venting, and remembering that if something happened to me too, then my family would also be hurt even more. They had already been hurt too much. I am glad you don't want your daughter to be alone; I am glad to hear that you don't want her to go through that pain too.
When I started feeling as if it were not worth it to go on, I took myself to a therapist. And for a while they gave me some medication too, to help me to cope with it all. You don't have to feel like this forever. There are things that can help.
The big decisions can come later, but the first thing we have to do is take care of ourselves.
We find someone to talk to. We find someone to help us learn ways to feel calmer at least some of the times. My therapist taught them to me. And if I could learn them so can you.
It was hard for me at first to even remember to do the everyday things so I could get stronger again, so I could feel a bit more like my old self. To eat, to drink water so I would not be dehydrated and more tired, to lay down and at least rest, if I could not sleep.
I think, for me and some others I've known, those things had to come first. To get the help that we naturally needed, in the face of such horror, to learn ways to cope with it all. To take care of ourselves so that we can take care of the ones we love who are here.
You and your precious daughter will be in my prayers dear lady, and I hope you come here and talk all that you need to.
Janet
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Post by thankful4them on Apr 5, 2009 17:43:56 GMT -5
Shamim,
I cry with you on your loss of your beloved mother. You have had your world turned upside down. The anger, rage and immense sadness is normal. I have lost many to murder, and 2 years ago my husbands aunt was murdered by her husband of 40 years.
Know you are not alone in this.. so many here have felt the pain of a murder in the family... I hope you will reach out to us when you need and share any and every frustration and sorrow you feel.
Now is the time to take care of you... and that darling daughter. Be the mother to her that obviously your mother was to you. It is what she would want for you.
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Post by shelly1 on Apr 7, 2009 14:35:19 GMT -5
Shamim, I am so awfully sorry for your pain. You have the normal condition that I attribute to a loss such as yours where you find it embarrassing to talk about. I know that condition very well. I suffer from it too! God gave me 4 children. When I am asked how many children I have by those who don't know me, I have tried to say just 3. But, if I do that, I am dissing the memory of my baby son, Antoine. He was only 19 yrs. old when he was murdered in Nov. 2002. This was the darkest day of my life and I know you can relate to a "dark day". When I answer that I have 4 children, I have to also explain that I lost a son a few years ago. Sometimes this goes unquestioned. Yet, there are times when the questions start rolling in before I can get my breath to answer them. It usually starts like this: "OMG, what happened?", "do you know who did it?", etc. I have been very careful about how I answer those questions because it is embarrassing to me to have birthed a child who could do something so heinous as my son did. He was on PCP at the time and hallucinating. So of course when they ask me the stupidest question in the world, "why did he do this?", I am very careful with how I respond.
Nobody ever knows why someone does something as crazy as the murder, especially when it is in the family. The person who commits the murder might give you an answer as to why they think they did it, but trust me, they couldn't really answer it because you have to be sick to do something like that which negates any explanation they may have.
Shamim, I know your pain is great. I know you miss your mom, but as you said, you have a 9 yr. old that needs you and you have to make your child's world as happy as can be or it will only show up again in later years. Believe me, prayer is underrated in these crises, but asking God for the mercy of acceptance is the ultimate gift that you can give your child. Please know that you are not alone and I send love you to where you are.
Peace,
Shelly
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Post by shamim on Apr 10, 2009 21:21:11 GMT -5
Thanks for the kind words. And I'm very sorry that all of correspond under these circumstances. I just want to ask, does it EVER get any better? this hurts too much and I sometimes feel like I can't go on. I dont see any point to live.
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Post by cpruitt78 on Apr 10, 2009 21:32:21 GMT -5
Baby girl... I understand your heart. I wish I could just (((hug))) you and tell you I am here- we all are here... My sister-n-law was murdered by the father of her 18 day old child (which my husband and I are now raising) November 24th 2007. The best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with people who understand what you are going thru. You need an emotional outlet. You need to validate your pain... As time moves on you will get better- I am 17 months into my roller coaster ride of grief. I still hurt, I still miss her, I still feel like life is unfair... But I actually have days now that although I think of her I may go a few days before crying. One thing that helped me deal with my grief very directly was making a memorial website, keeping a journal online and off... I don't mind sharing that with you - please by all means visit www.latrishapruitt.virtual-memorials.com Maybe it is something you should consider. The people there are very supportive- they are my second family... I don't know what I would have done without them. Hun, you have so much to live for- you are your Mother's legacy... Live, Love and honor your Mother every step of the way... If I can help you in anyway- if you need to talk - anything- please contact me...
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Apr 11, 2009 7:48:56 GMT -5
Thanks for the kind words. And I'm very sorry that all of correspond under these circumstances. I just want to ask, does it EVER get any better? this hurts too much and I sometimes feel like I can't go on. I dont see any point to live. I can remember feeling the same way. But yes, it can get better. We have to give ourselves time. We have to learn to relax at least a bit however we can. My therapists helped me with this. Other MVS here and in support groups helped me learn these things. We have to give ourselves time so that we do not hurt our loved ones who are still here with us even more. So that we will not inflict even more grief upon them. So that we will have each other to turn to through the years, so that we do not leave them even more alone. We need someone to talk to. We need to find ways to express this burden of grief and trauma that we never expected and never asked for. When I started having those feelings, that it was not worth it to go on in a world where there could be such evil, I knew I had to get help, because I could not do that to my family too. They had already suffered so much, they did not need even more grief and pain in their lives, and I certainly did not want to cause it for them either. And I was NOT going to let the murderers have me too. I was NOT going to let them have that power over me. That was when I let them prescribe anti-depressants for me. And when they found one that worked for me, it did help so much. It did not take the grief or the sadness completely away - it did not change who I was - but it did help me to be able to enjoy many things in life again more often than I had been - my grandchildren, my living children - and finally the flashbacks and night terrors slowed down too. After a time of taking them, I was not feeling as confused all the time anymore either, and was able to find more things that did help me over time too. It is okay to ask for help. It is the smart thing to do, the brave thing to do, and it really can get better over time if we do ask for the help we really need. Murder is something that never should have happened, that we never knew we had to prepare for, it is only natural to expect we would need some help in learning to live with it. Dear Shamim, I am and will be praying for you and your precious daughter . Much love to you dear lady, I wish I could do more. Janet
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Post by Charlene on Apr 11, 2009 18:21:43 GMT -5
One thing that helped me deal with my grief very directly was making a memorial website, keeping a journal online and off... I don't mind sharing that with you - please by all means visit www.latrishapruitt.virtual-memorials.com I added the link to La'Trisha's memorial page to our Victim's Voices page on this site.
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Post by steelersgirl82 on Apr 12, 2009 0:24:52 GMT -5
I know how you feel my uncle had been married for 19 yrs when his wife started putting draino in everything he drank and eat for close to 1 yr. the law enforcement in our town did nothing they ruled his death natural but there was nothing natural about it. she same as told me she did it. his story is on his myspace page, I am hopeing to find someway to get justice for my uncle we have been trying for 5 yrs and I wont give up.
but I know how you feel and I am so sorry for your loss
Michelle
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