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Post by regretsinwinnipeg on Jul 2, 2010 17:09:33 GMT -5
Has anyone experienced delayed grief when confronted with the news of the death of a loved one? I dated a girl for 6 months in 2004, but moved away in early 2005, but still kept in contact up until 6 months before she was murdered.
On Valentines day 2007, her boyfriend along with 2 friends murdered her for not having an abortion, driving her to a remote location in the pretext of "exchanging Valentines Day gifts". I was 1500km away at the time, and did not learn the news until 6 months later.
When I learned the horrible details of her killing, I simply blocked it out of my mind, since it was too horrific to comprehend. Something recently triggered the grieving process in May, a full 30 minths after learning of her death.
Now all I can think about is her. I cared about her, and miss her so much. I cry almost everyday for her, something I had not done at all beofer this may. Is this normal? I feel like I am about to crack. Please help.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jul 3, 2010 4:44:11 GMT -5
Has anyone experienced delayed grief when confronted with the news of the death of a loved one? I dated a girl for 6 months in 2004, but moved away in early 2005, but still kept in contact up until 6 months before she was murdered. On Valentines day 2007, her boyfriend along with 2 friends murdered her for not having an abortion, driving her to a remote location in the pretext of "exchanging Valentines Day gifts". I was 1500km away at the time, and did not learn the news until 6 months later. When I learned the horrible details of her killing, I simply blocked it out of my mind, since it was too horrific to comprehend. Something recently triggered the grieving process in May, a full 30 minths after learning of her death. Now all I can think about is her. I cared about her, and miss her so much. I cry almost everyday for her, something I had not done at all beofer this may. Is this normal? I feel like I am about to crack. Please help. Dear regretsinwinnipeg, I'm very sorry about your friend. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. While I haven't experienced exactly what you have, I have had MANY times emotions over my family tragedy years after it. I think of and miss my murdered loved 1's every day. What you're feeling is normal and please don't be hard on yourself. It'll be 20 years this year since my family's tragedy. I have what I call "bad days" where I think the worst of everyone and everything and HATE so much what happened as I'm convinced it could have been prevented. I hate the horrible loss we had because of sin. Your emotions ARE normal and please don't repress them! That's 1 of the worst things you can do. I did it for years with alcohol and all I got in return was even MORE to fix once I got sober. Repression doesn't work! Please don't believe the 1's in society who LIE and tell you it does either. Many is society believe these lies because they don't even want to KNOW about we MVS. This is a wonderful place to get your emotions OUT about your friend. Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
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Post by justice4kevin on Jul 13, 2010 12:23:20 GMT -5
My brother was murdered nearly 21 years ago. Through the years, there have been many instances where I will become angry or depressed about what happened. The steps of first learning of him being killed, going through the trial of his killer, and most recently, fighting to keep his killer in prison, continually brings those emotions back. This website was a bright positive light in a world where I didn’t think that anyone was really felling that same way I was. It allows me the venue to gain insight and for a shoulder to cry on, from people who feel the same way I do. It is a great support organization that will be there for you when you need. Truly, the worst thing about any murder is that could have been prevented. It is the most selfish thing that could ever happen to anyone. You must stay strong for yourself and for others involved for your friend’s life. Although you suffer the loss, try to remember all of the good of your relationship with her. Good luck to you. justice4kevin@yahoo.com
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Post by Tapestry on Aug 7, 2010 18:07:51 GMT -5
My father was murdered almost 30 years ago but sometimes the years seem like days. What someone else wrote about not repressing emotions is so vital. In my family, we were encouraged not to express ‘negative’ emotions like sadness or anger and soon after the crime we basically shut down and almost never spoke about my dad or his case (which was never solved. Over the years I’ve tried to re-motivate police interest, but it never goes far.) For a lot of reasons things were swept under the rug and covered up, which, though I understand wasn’t my fault, I deeply regret.
It wasn’t until ten years ago that I began to open the floodgates on my grief & rage, but by then a lot of physical & emotional damage had already been done. There doesn’t seem to be any ‘statute of limitation’ on this kind of grief. I read somewhere that, in processing & storing trauma, the unconscious mind doesn’t recognize time spans the way we do consciously.
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Post by Charlene on Aug 8, 2010 23:54:17 GMT -5
I think this is completely normal and you won't crack. You protected yourself from reacting at a time when you were perhaps more fragile. The reason it is hitting you now is that you are capable of handling it and your brain knows it. What you would have experienced at the time that would have harmed you is now something you have to walk through, but you can do it.
Since you are so distant from where this happened, I would assume you are also distant from her friends and family, the people who you would normally be going through the grieving process with. I have come to understand over the years of working with MVS (murder victim survivors, a term we coined on this board many years ago) that grief is a pill that is much easier to swallow when shared. If you have people in your life who will talk to you about your loved one and share the sadness as well as the happy memories, you can have a healthier grief process. I am guessing that this kind of support system is minimal at best for you, if not non-existant. You should seek out a local grief support group, and also talk to the many folks on this board who have lost their loved ones. We would all like to hear more about your lost love, and what happened to her. We will grieve with you.
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Post by regretsinwinnipeg on Feb 1, 2011 3:08:40 GMT -5
It's approaching the 4th anniversary of her death. It's weird that I have only grieved for 7 months or so. I often blame myself for what happened to her.
If only I could have known her fate. I would never have abandoned her to move to another city. I feel all this guilt and shame, like I deserve to suffer for eternity, unless I save a life or something.
I'm not sure how you all deal with this so well. I sometimes just don't have the energy to live now days. What has helped people overcome such dealing with such a horrible death?
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Post by tamècasmom on Feb 1, 2011 14:57:14 GMT -5
Regretsinwinnipeg,
I wish I could answer your question, I cannot because there is no one answer on how I personally deal with the loss of my beloved daughter Tameca and all the baggage that comes with murder. What I can say is I have learned to take ONE day at a time.
Please do not blame yourself in anyway, shape, or fashion for the murder of your friend! You are NOT responsible for another person or persons actions. My thought is I will always live with so many ifs but live with them I must because the murderer left me no choice. So I say to you my friend in loss, take one day at a time and always remember you are not the murderer, others are.
May the Lord bestow PEACE into your life today and in the future.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 3, 2011 15:37:44 GMT -5
It's approaching the 4th anniversary of her death. It's weird that I have only grieved for 7 months or so. I often blame myself for what happened to her. If only I could have known her fate. I would never have abandoned her to move to another city. I feel all this guilt and shame, like I deserve to suffer for eternity, unless I save a life or something. I'm not sure how you all deal with this so well. I sometimes just don't have the energy to live now days. What has helped people overcome such dealing with such a horrible death? The things that have helped me recover as much as possible: counseling. It literally saved my life. Also: going to Parents of Murdered Children meetings for a few years; writing about the tragedy; talking to understanding friends/family about it; getting counseling at church for the spiritual aspects of the tragedy not covered in regular counseling and coming to message boards like this 1. Please don't be hard on yourself. Everything you're feeling is normal for the 1st few years after your tragedy. I would advise to work on resolving your guilt as that CAN lead you to self-destruct. This happened with me. I blamed myself to a degree for not doing enough to prevent the murders in my family. I was so ashamed I hid this from everyone for years. I'm so glad God kept on me to RESOLVE IT. He kept telling me to tell my psychologist and resolve it. I did and it was a revelation. She told me I'd done the best I could based on my own mental state at the time. It was a huge relief to hear this! ;D She then told me to tell others in my life in order to heal more. I did this also. It's been very liberating, to say the least. I'm so glad God didn't let up on me to tell and resolve it all. I love how He is this way with everything I need to do to heal and better myself, etc. Speaking of dealing with it well, a lot of it is plain work. In order to heal as much as possible, you make the commitment to work on it. This means doing what you need to do despite thinking the worst of everyone and everything. I still have what I call "bad days" 20 years after the murders. I have yet to see any MVS FULLY healed and don't think this exists. HOWEVER, despite this, you can heal to a huge degree and rebuild your life. I pretty much hate the person I was before the murders, but just wish if the changes it literally shocked me into could have come about another way... . Again, your feelings are normal, but please know you can rebuild and heal to a big degree. Take care.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Feb 3, 2011 15:41:32 GMT -5
Regretsinwinnipeg, I wish I could answer your question, I cannot because there is no one answer on how I personally deal with the loss of my beloved daughter Tameca and all the baggage that comes with murder. What I can say is I have learned to take ONE day at a time. Please do not blame yourself in anyway, shape, or fashion for the murder of your friend! You are NOT responsible for another person or persons actions. My thought is I will always live with so many ifs but live with them I must because the murderer left me no choice. So I say to you my friend in loss, take one day at a time and always remember you are not the murderer, others are. May the Lord bestow PEACE into your life today and in the future. You've learned how it's work to heal. Taking it 1 day at a time is work. As hard as it is, it's worth it ALL. Yes, the murderers are the 1's who chose to do this evil. I HATE IT AND AM SICK OF IT! But, if we don't work to NOT be like them, then what kind of life will we have? We don't want to take the "easy way out" like they did EVER. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
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Post by uncleeddiesniece on Feb 13, 2011 11:09:19 GMT -5
welcome to this wonderful support site. I dont think there is such thing as delayed reactions to grief. Especially murder. Grief comes and hits when you least expect it, even if you think you cried and grieved enough already. I say this from my own experience only. My uncle was murdered 8/2000 and I still break down and cry/sob uncontrollably. I think I should be over "it", that I did enough grieving, so much time has passed, etc.....
Well, what I have found out here on this site is that I am not crazy, I am not alone and that how I am grieving is ok. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no matter how much time as passed.
I just know that I need to let the grief out and not repress it. This is a safe site and I hope you find some comfort here.
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Post by regretsinwinnipeg on Dec 14, 2011 5:26:47 GMT -5
I hope everyone is ok. I have not posted in months, so I thought I would just give you a quick update on the situation. I am glad I got the grief and emotions out of my system. I still cry sometimes when I think of her, but I have accepted that she is gone, and even though a part of me will always fell empty, life must go on.
The 17 year old youth who participated in the murder and received a conviction of first degree murder will be released in October 2013, when he is 23 going on 24. It will be hard to accept that our laws for youth are so weak that someone can murder a pregnant woman and only receive 6 years for the crime, but this is Canada, and the young offender system is a joke here.
Anyway I will pray for all of you, and I hope that you can all find it in yourselves to find closure and try to live your life the best you can. I am sure your loved one that passed away would want you to be happy.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 14, 2011 13:56:04 GMT -5
I hope everyone is ok. I have not posted in months, so I thought I would just give you a quick update on the situation. I am glad I got the grief and emotions out of my system. I still cry sometimes when I think of her, but I have accepted that she is gone, and even though a part of me will always fell empty, life must go on. The 17 year old youth who participated in the murder and received a conviction of first degree murder will be released in October 2013, when he is 23 going on 24. It will be hard to accept that our laws for youth are so weak that someone can murder a pregnant woman and only receive 6 years for the crime, but this is Canada, and the young offender system is a joke here. Anyway I will pray for all of you, and I hope that you can all find it in yourselves to find closure and try to live your life the best you can. I am sure your loved one that passed away would want you to be happy. It's an outrage he'll ever be free again. Have you thought of doing a parole protest petition? It might be worth a try. Of course if things were how they should be he wouldn't be getting out! I'm sorry to hear how bad the laws are in Canada. I get a kick out of those who have never had a loved 1 and/or friend murdered and go on and on about how horrible prison is, people are locked up too long, etc. Incredible! Thanks for your prayers as we need them. Take care.
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