absolutmess
Newbie
im still here sending prayers and hugs
Posts: 3
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Post by absolutmess on Aug 26, 2004 12:18:05 GMT -5
TEXTTEXTTEXTMy Mother, Deborah Denon Dillie, was found murdered by her husband of 1 year on June 3rd 2004 in Tulsa Oklahoma. Murdrers name is John Sandy Ingraham. I feel so alone I was an only child and just had a birthday on August 22 without my Mom and no phone call saying "Happy Birthday Sweet Baby" I miss her so much. He brutally beat her to death, beyond recognition, they had to identify her by her fingerprints and ID. He is currently sitting in jail on murder 1 and we are just starting the court phase and I am so scared. He is writing letters to me and harrassing me. I am lost and confused and feel really left out of the whole process. The crime scene was horrific my fiance and a good friend had to clean it up for me...I wasnt much help, and i just cant get it out of my head...I dont know how to set up a memorial site for her. I need a chat support group on the internet because there are not any in oklahoma City. I need people who understand what i am going through, because it sure seems that most people dont. She was 51 yrs old and was my world...please help me before i lose my mind.
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Post by bonnieanne on Aug 26, 2004 14:40:53 GMT -5
Hello,
I am relatively new to the board and overwhelmed by how many of us are dealing with murder in our lifes. I am so very, very, sorry for us, the pain is endless.
I just finished reading a book by *Barbara Kingsolver*, and there is an illustration she uses to show the difference between heaven and hell. She illustrates, In hell there is a room full of peope in a kitchen. They all have long handled spoons to eat this delicous stew but the handles are to long and they can't get the food in their mouths. They are all starving. However, in heaven, there is the same pot of stew with very long handled sppons and the people there are happy and well fed. The difference is that one will dip into the pot and feed the other person, thinking not of themselves but the person beside them. This reminds me of all the people who have lost a love one to a horrific crime such as murder. We are all here feeding one another, sharing our pain and growing from one another in a way that no one else can understand or share.
My heart is with you, you are not alone. Take some comfort in knowing that the monster who took your mothers life will pay, maybe not now,but in divine justice.
bonnieanne
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stacie
Cadet
Regular
Posts: 188
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Post by stacie on Aug 27, 2004 0:02:40 GMT -5
Your post left me in tears as well as hitting close to home. My mother was murdered on February 27, 1998. She was also brutally beaten and left to bleed to death on her kitchen floor. Unfortunately Mom has yet to receive any justice, as her murderer still walks the streets a free man. He also happens to be my father. Although there is no doubt of his guilt for just about everyone involved in the investigation, there is not enough evidence to charge him yet. To quote one of the detectives in mom's case "It's not what you know or feel - it's what you can prove in a court of law". Although I never saw Mom's crime scene, I am also haunted by images of how it may have looked. The vast range of emotions that I have as a result tears me apart. Sometimes I thank God that I wasn't the one to find her and witness the brutal results of my father's handiwork. Then there are times that I question whether the actual crime scene could be as heinous as what my mind has imagined. What I do know is that neither is a memory that I wish to have. Unfortunately, I also know that it is the one memory that I will never be able to erase. The legacy of these images, as well as empty arms and a shattered heart, are not the only thing that my father has left me with. He has also given me an open wound that pierces my very soul without any hope of ever healing. Not long after Mom died I watched a scene from a movie called "The Crow". In it the main character confronts the man responsible for the rape and murder of his fiancé. He proceeds to tell this monster that he has something to give him that he no longer wants. He then grabs his arm and transfers all his memories of the murder and aftermath to the murderer. I remember wishing day after day that I were able to do this. I even "bargained" with God for the ability to do it. I wish with all my heart that I could tell you that it is possible, But I can't. What I can tell you that with the help of family, friends and other MVS you will be able to cope with what has happened. There will be times when you don't think you will be able to survive the pain that the next hour, day or week will bring. You don't have to face them alone. At times like these coming here may help. I'm not saying that we can feel the depth of your pain - only you can do that. What we can do is understand it. It's a heartbreaking club that we belong to - one that no one would ever want to join. By leaning on and supporting each other it's also a club that we can survive, and for that we are truly blessed.
- Stacie
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Post by Princess on Aug 27, 2004 14:03:44 GMT -5
Oh my you poor thing. I wish I could reach out to you and give you a giant hug. I know I can't give you any answers or take away your pain, but I want you to know that you have found a place you can come to. You can share anything here. We can offer a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear. Your loss is still so very new, please allow yourself the time you need to grieve. If it helps any, you are not going mad (though it may seem like it). Most of us here have felt what you have...the deep gut wrench pain, the fuming anger, the frustration, the loneliness. I mourn the loss of your beautiful Mother and I wish you strength as you face the difficult road ahead.
Heather
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absolutmess
Newbie
im still here sending prayers and hugs
Posts: 3
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Post by absolutmess on Aug 27, 2004 15:31:21 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your heartfelt sympathy ...there has been a great outpouring of kindness from the sites i have been finding...I wish i could help stop the pain for all of you that have lost someone. I never thought i would be a victim of murder, and sometimes it is hard for me to see that even though it was my mother i am still a victim. Seems the people i am around on a regular basis dont seem to understand and feel i should be getting on with things but i havnt even had a chance to really start the grieving process yet. I just wish they would leave me alone, I dont feel able to function on a normal basis yet. I am somewhat agoraphobic now. But so lonely and needing people to talk to but scared to meet people. Thank you again for listening to me. God bless you all
Heather L
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Post by BARB RIDGEWAY on Aug 27, 2004 15:57:54 GMT -5
ALL OF US ON THIS BOARD KNOWS YOUR PAIN AND SORROW ALL TO WELL. THAT IS WHAT BROUGHT US ALL TO THIS BOARD. WE HAVE BEEN THOURGH TWO TRIALS. ONE MISTRIAL AND ONE NOT GUILTY. NOW WE ARE WIATING FOR THE MONSTER TO GO ON TRIAL AGAIN FOR RAPE AND MURDER OF A LITTLE 13 YEAR OLD GIRL. YESTERDAY WE WENT TO COURT THIS MONSTER LAWYER ARE TRYING TO GET THE EVIDENCE FROM ROBIN SURPRESS FOR THE LITTLE GIRL TRIAL. IF YOU WISH TO TALK E-MIAL ME GIVE ME YOUR NUMEBER AND I WILL CALL YOU. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYER.
BARB & GENE RIDGEWAY
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Post by Desiree E M Akins on Sept 24, 2004 16:55:24 GMT -5
ALL OF US ON THIS BOARD KNOWS YOUR PAIN AND SORROW ALL TO WELL. THAT IS WHAT BROUGHT US ALL TO THIS BOARD. WE HAVE BEEN THOURGH TWO TRIALS. ONE MISTRIAL AND ONE NOT GUILTY. NOW WE ARE WIATING FOR THE MONSTER TO GO ON TRIAL AGAIN FOR RAPE AND MURDER OF A LITTLE 13 YEAR OLD GIRL. YESTERDAY WE WENT TO COURT THIS MONSTER LAWYER ARE TRYING TO GET THE EVIDENCE FROM ROBIN SURPRESS FOR THE LITTLE GIRL TRIAL. IF YOU WISH TO TALK E-MIAL ME GIVE ME YOUR NUMEBER AND I WILL CALL YOU. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYER. BARB & GENE RIDGEWAY
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Desiree Estella Marie Akins
Guest
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Post by Desiree Estella Marie Akins on Sept 24, 2004 16:59:35 GMT -5
She is my pride and joy..She had a big warm heart. She was quick to forgive. Why she died I do not know. It is a mystery. I would like those that caused her death be aware of the pain they caused every minute of their lives.
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Post by Maggie on Sept 24, 2004 20:16:08 GMT -5
They should have a victim advocate's person in the county where this happened. They were so helpful to our family and still are. My father was murdered this year and the murderer is spending Natural Life without any possibility of parole. Refuse any mail from this murderer. You do not need to hear his view of anything. My relationship with God is the only true comfort and peace I have in this circumstance. Reach out to those who can comfort. Do you have a church family? It is hard to understand why anyone would kill but we live in a world inhabited by sick people.
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absolutmess
Newbie
im still here sending prayers and hugs
Posts: 3
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Post by absolutmess on Nov 9, 2013 17:13:11 GMT -5
I havnt been here a quite some time, Figured I would update he was convicted got life no parole. Life has been hard but I am still surviveing.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 10, 2013 4:12:06 GMT -5
I havnt been here a quite some time, Figured I would update he was convicted got life no parole. Life has been hard but I am still surviveing. Dear absolutmess, I'm very glad the perpetrator in your case got this sentence. It's good to see you again and am glad you're going on no matter what. Take care.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Nov 10, 2013 9:13:13 GMT -5
Dear absolut, I'm so glad to hear the prosecutors were able to get a strong justice for your Mom and for you and everyone else who loved her and still miss her so. Yes there are still so many things that are so hard. There are things that are still hard for me after 12 years...birthdays, holidays (and those are coming up in a big way), sadaversaries, and those unexpected triggers. I don't get knocked to my knees very often anymore, maybe we just learn to walk around in it better. Hugs to you, and thank you for letting us know. Janet
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