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Post by debbie on Aug 20, 2010 0:50:12 GMT -5
My brother, Danny, was murdered July 14, 2010. He was a convenience store clerk and was killed in a robbery. He was so sweet and so gentle that I cannot even grasp what has happened.
How do you heal? How do you live when you feel quilty for living when he isn't? How do you help your family heal when you are broken beyond repair?
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Aug 20, 2010 1:16:30 GMT -5
My brother, Danny, was murdered July 14, 2010. He was a convenience store clerk and was killed in a robbery. He was so sweet and so gentle that I cannot even grasp what has happened. How do you heal? How do you live when you feel quilty for living when he isn't? How do you help your family heal when you are broken beyond repair? Dear debbie, I'm very sorry about your brother. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. The ways I found to heal: the biggest 1 was counseling. It literally saved my life. Also: church counseling to cover the spiritual aspects of the whole thing not covered in regular counseling; writing about it all; talking to understanding family and friends; going to Parents of Murdered Children meetings and coming to boards like this 1. All of these things have helped greatly. However, to be honest, I personally don't think complete healing is possible. I have yet to see any MVS who is 100% healed. I believe that only comes if God chooses to intervene. HOWEVER, we CAN heal to a HUGE degree AND rebuild our lives. I've done this and many other MVS also! I still have some work to do, but will keep going. All the work has been 100% worth it. Also, please don't be hard on yourself. You're in the beginning stages after your tragedy. Please only do what you're able to cope with at this time. Others who are involved have to choose to do their OWN recovery work. You're only obligated to help to the degree you're able to at this point in time. I hope this information helps you. Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Aug 20, 2010 6:48:39 GMT -5
My brother, Danny, was murdered July 14, 2010. He was a convenience store clerk and was killed in a robbery. He was so sweet and so gentle that I cannot even grasp what has happened. How do you heal? How do you live when you feel quilty for living when he isn't? How do you help your family heal when you are broken beyond repair? Dear debbie, I also wanted to add: don't believe the LIE that too many is society believe that healing is INSTANT. It isn't. It takes time and work on your part. Also don't let any ###*** tell you how to grieve! Or how long to take with it, how to heal, etc. ###*** THEM! I ran into 1 of these earlier this week, unfortunately. Earlier this week was the anniversary of the murders in my family. I was told by this WILLFULLY IGNORANT so-called "friend" who I LET USE ME as a sounding board for IT'S problems way too long that I should have thought of the good memories of my murdered loved 1's on the sadiversary. I replied that I didn't like how this was being ASS-umed of me when IT didn't even bother to ASK how I spent that day, etc. I was also told that I shouldn't keep reminding myself of the tragedy. When I asked IT how in the WORLD can you have loved 1's murdered and NOT think about it even NOT on purpose I got the usual arrogant, NON-answer garbage. What's literally funny about the garbage you get from these ***### is it IS funny on the surface! It's literally funny in its arrogance, willfull ignorance and hard-heartedness. This is an example of what you're very likely to run into as an MVS. Please don't let them order you around! Recovery takes time and work and NO ONE should EVER tell you how to grieve, how long you should take, "move on" (how I HATE that evil, arrogant term! ), etc. You do what you need to do to function and recover and keep around you people who TRULY care and encourage you along the way, build you UP, tell you what you're doing RIGHT, etc. You'll find many of this type of this board, thank God! ;D
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Aug 20, 2010 8:05:11 GMT -5
Hello debbie, I am so sorry your brother Danny was taken from you. This was a very short time ago, and yes this is all such a terrible shock for you of course. In fact, if you are like I was in the early months, you may even still be literally in shock in some ways - that is how our brains protect us from the sudden trauma, and soften it just a bit so we can bear to get through it, I believe. It is over 9 years later for us, and there are still things I am trying to figure out. Nothing could have prepared us for this. Murder is something that simply should have never happened. The survivor guilt is unfortunately supposed to be a normal reaction of grief, and I think many of us have probably felt that too. That doesn't make it feel any better, but, for me at least, it was an idea that helped to reassure me that maybe I could get through that someday. Mostly yes I have. In the first days and months of the aftermath of murder, I believe the most important things I had to do were to take care of myself, so that I could get stronger again and learn to walk around in this. I don't think it heals. I think it hurts too much to ever really be "healed". But that we CAN walk around in it better over time. I had to learn how to do that one step at at time, starting with self-care. Be gentle with yourself. Put off big decisions, now is not the time. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids, and remember to eat something every day even if you don't feel hungry. Try to walk out in nature if you can. I found this very calming, and it would release a lot of tension naturally for me, when I could get myself to do it. If you like to write, write down your feelings in a journal. My therapists always recommended that. Vent vent vent if are feeling the anger and rage (that is a natural human reaction to this terrible crime). You can vent here if you need to. We understand. If you have a friend who can listen, and not judge, then even better. I did find some who could do that with me. I hope there is something in my ramblings that can help you. I hope you find some release here. My heart goes out to you and your family. Janet Edit to add: I am sorry it says I modified your post. I did not change a thing. I only hit the wrong button at first when replying. I apologize.
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Post by tamècasmom on Aug 21, 2010 13:31:20 GMT -5
Debbie,
Sadly you are here because an ugly person took your beloved brother Danny's life. The blessing is you found this site use it and never feel guilty for doing so, understanding people reside here.
My advise to you is to eat and drink whenever you can especially try to drink water, you do not want to dehydrate. And take one day at a time on your terms because your terms are the absolute right terms for you.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Tameca's mother
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Post by ibdlo on Aug 24, 2010 13:21:18 GMT -5
I am so sorry for what evil did to your brother Danny. Like Janet-Beth's mom said, you're most likely still in the shock stage...it's only been a nano second since this happened! How do you heal? Well, i don't think you ever completely heal. At least, in the sense of being the person you were before this tragedy came into your life. You have to learn to be kind to yourself and be understanding to yourself. It's not always going to feel this raw as it does right now. I know it takes a lot strength just to get out of bed each day. I'm going on my 10th year and i will say the emotions are no where raw and overwhelming as they were. But you know, it's like a part of each of my days. I honestly don't think i've gone a day without it being far from my thoughts. It's just a part of who i am now. People aren't very understanging of that but i've come to a point in my life ...that i just don't care what they think anymore. Losing a love one always hurts, death is inevitable but when someone purposely sets out to unleash such evilness on your loved one, it's a whole new ball game. Those "good memories" that everyone keeps telling you that you "have" to focus on...they've been replaced with memories of your loved ones last moments of life, the way they died. then you have to deal with police, prosecutors, judges, lawyers and all those other people that just see your loved one as a body...a victim...a case. It takes years to see any kind of justice done, then for some it never comes. course it really never comes for anyone that is murdered. As far as feeling guilty for still living...that is perfectly normal!!! I felt that way for YEARS!!! i'm sure most everyone here does or has felt that way. I would never tell you not to feel something. I really don't think you can help how you "feel". I would just "feel" it, talk openly about it, for me talking about things have a healing effect. Maybe write your brother a letter. I truly do recommend writing your feelings down. I was given this advice but i never took it and now i wish i could look back and see how far i've come. i do advise seeking out a grief counselor. Someone one on one cause you need to focus on you right now. then move on to group counseling...and especially come here cause i can't tell you how healing it is to talk to people who have been through similar tragedies. People who haven't been through it, can offer support but they won't be able to "get it". Sometimes they can make you think you're crazy cause you're not "getting over it, or moving on" fast enough. Come here and talk to people who know the reality of murder and you'll realize you're not crazy ...it's perfectly normal to be having the feelings you're having. Writing this to you has helped me as well. The anniversary of John's death is coming up in a few weeks and i've been having some difficuties about it. I wish you well and again i am so sorry for what they did to Danny.
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Post by cpruitt78 on Aug 24, 2010 22:35:46 GMT -5
Dear Debbie, Don't feel alone in time not healing. I think whoever came up with that saying was obviously not a Murder Victim Survivor. Today marks 33 months since my Angel was murderd. I don't think that time heals a damn thing to be honest. I do however believe that time allows our coping skills to sharpen. Each of us cope differently - we adapt differently. If you find comfort in anything- don't try to rationalize why- just simply be comforted. I have learned in these last 33 months that not everyone understands this kind of loss or pain. The ONLY way to understand is to walk in our shoes. I will share with you what has helped me cope tremendously. I started a memorial page at virtual memorials for my Angel and I wrote my heart out. I still do. It may work for you it may not. I keep my Angel included in everything we do- Every Holiday, every gathering, cookout, party--- I keep her included. As long as I am still here, she exists... Because I carry her in my heart. She had 3 young daughters one in which we are fortunate enough to raise. I see her in them- that too gives comfort. I am so sorry that another person has to endure the common bond we all ahve here- and that is losing our loved one at the hand of a selfish person. Sending you (((hugs))) and prayers for whatever you need to get by. Your friend in grief- Christy
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Post by peacealex on Jan 30, 2012 12:41:37 GMT -5
Im so glad I found this site. My sister, Alejandra was murdered on June 16, 2011. It has been so hard dealing with this but having read dozens of posts over the last week has made me realize that I will get through this. It is going to be a struggle, as so many of you have stated but I also see how life does go on. As bittersweet as that may seem. Thank you all who have shared on this site. You have all given me great advice on how to cope with with what I thought would destroy me. I'll share my story soon. May today be a good day for us all.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Jan 30, 2012 13:32:49 GMT -5
Im so glad I found this site. My sister, Alejandra was murdered on June 16, 2011. It has been so hard dealing with this but having read dozens of posts over the last week has made me realize that I will get through this. It is going to be a struggle, as so many of you have stated but I also see how life does go on. As bittersweet as that may seem. Thank you all who have shared on this site. You have all given me great advice on how to cope with with what I thought would destroy me. I'll share my story soon. May today be a good day for us all. Bless you peacealex, I am so sorry you are on this journey with us. Together we can find our way through.
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Post by c21king2queen on Jan 31, 2012 17:25:05 GMT -5
It is true that healing is a journey that we are forced to take when our loved one or loved ones are murdered. I agree with that we shouldn't let others tell us how to grieve or how long to grieve. We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. As a Murder Victim Survivor I agree that you never really get over it, forget or completely heal. Some of the things some people have said to me have seemed so stupid to me. "Everything happens for a reason," when they tell me that I want to scream back in their faces that my husband, love of my life and father of my only child was murdered for a reason, yes he was murdered because evil, selfish and greedy people decided that a piece of land was worth more than a human life. "Move on," when I hear that I want to scream at them how do you suggest I move on when I am still waiting for a murder trial, answers, and justice. "Let time heal," yes time can heal to a certain extinct, but it can take a long time and may even take the rest of our lives. Don't expect to heal to any real extinct overnight or any time real soon. Give yourself all the time you need. Others may loose patience with us, but God never does. Don't worry about what others say or think. Just take care of yourself, grieve in whatever way you need to and take your time. It has been nearly 4 years since I lost my husband to premeditated 1st degree murder and felony conspiracy. I am still waiting for a murder trial, answers and justice. After the murder trial I have to go to Civil Court to get the land back in my husband's name as it should have rightfully and legally been all this time. They forged my husband's signature on a quit claims deed and stole 3.06 acres from him illegally, planned and executed his murder. Following my husband's murder I had to endure people entering my home and car repeatedly and illegally and playing cruel, sick, twisted and illegal games with my son and I. That further added to our trauma and devastation. The people responsible are not willing to be held accountable and responsible and come forward and say, " We did these things, this is why, we are sorry and ready to be held accountable and responsible for the numerous felonies we committed." How can I even begin to heal at all from those things without answers, people being held accountable and responsible and those responsible feeling and showing real remorse. The 2 suspects who murdered my husband have shown no remorse whatsoever. One suspect has plead guilty and agreed to testify against the other, but still show no signs of remorse, instead she seems more concerned with the fact that she has to be handcuffed in order to be escorted to the nurses station in the jail and shows concern for her own safety in the jail. She was transferred to the state prison because she feared for her own life in the County jail. The other suspect shows no remorse and sits in court with a Bible (don't let that fool you, even the devil knew his scripture). His Defense Lawyer claims that he is innocent and a model citizen. Less than 2 years before he murdered my husband he was released from prison in another state for attempted murder and aggravated assault. When the picked him up on that charge he was a fugitive of justice from another state for another violent offense. I have to continue living in this County where my husband, love of my life and father of my only child was brutally executed and burried in a shallow grave for 3 days before his body was found, also where Law Enforcement and the DA's office have made so many mistakes and badly mishandled my husband's case, and also where so many of the main suspect's family members live in a very close radius to where I live with my small fatherless child. With everything that has happened here, I know I will never truly heal, get over it, or forget. As far as grieving and moving on goes, don't listen to others...listen to yourself and God. When people talk about forgiveness a part of me wants to tell them that when someone you love beyond love has his head literally blown off and you have been through the same hell that I have been going through...you come talk to me about forgiveness. I hate it when people talk to me about dating and getting remarried. I will always love my husband, even though we didn't have a perfect marriage or one of the best marriages. He will always be my son's father. I will keep talking to my son about him and allow my son to continue talking about his Dad. I will continue to keep pictures and memoribilia of my husband around the house. I have never loved anyone the way I have loved my husband and I will never love anyone that way again. I have never been so hurt, traumatized and devastated as I have by the way I lost my husband and everything that has happened since. Most people just don't understand, they are clueless because they haven't been through it. Only other MVS can truly understand. It helps to seek out others who have lost a loved one to murder. Counselling does help. God is our greatest counsellor, we can always lay our troubles at the feet of Jesus. I am sorry you or any of us have to go through loosing someone we love in such a horrible way. None of us asked for this and no one deserves this. We all deserve so much better. It is up to us to take our own journey through grief and our own journey through life. There are days that are better than others and sometimes it seems there are days that are worse than others. We had no choice in this, but we can choose how we deal with it. We need to take our time, be patient with ourselves and allow ourselves to grieve however the grieving process comes for each of us. My heart and prayers go out to you.
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