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Post by msunnerstood on Oct 13, 2010 23:23:17 GMT -5
Hi Everyone. This past Sunday was the 20th anniversary of my cousins murder. I go into a funk every year about this time but this year felt so much harder. Her killer killed himself too so we have so many unanswered questions and never had an opportunity for Justice.
I don't know how to cope with the way that I'm feeling and I'm not sure why this year is so much harder for me.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 14, 2010 6:33:42 GMT -5
Hi Everyone. This past Sunday was the 20th anniversary of my cousins murder. I go into a funk every year about this time but this year felt so much harder. Her killer killed himself too so we have so many unanswered questions and never had an opportunity for Justice. I don't know how to cope with the way that I'm feeling and I'm not sure why this year is so much harder for me. Hi msunnerstood, I am so sorry your cousin was taken from you and you have reason to be here, but welcome to the board. I hope you can find some answers that help you a bit here. In reading and reading to try to understand what was happening to me through the years, I have often read of the circular nature of homicide grief. And that triggers can take you back to old feelings again. Something that happens with the murderer has often been a huge trigger for many people I've "read" here. I don't know that I understand why, but it seems to be true. And when it has happened to me, I've at times started doing the things I did more of in the beginning years - journaling, relaxation exercises and breathing, looking for a way to memorialize and remember my loved one, and talking to others who might know what it feels like. Sometimes those things will help me again in the new challenges that just seem to keep coming through the years. I hope some others will have some suggestions here for you too. Hoping for some comfort and peace for you, Janet
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 15, 2010 0:08:12 GMT -5
Hi Everyone. This past Sunday was the 20th anniversary of my cousins murder. I go into a funk every year about this time but this year felt so much harder. Her killer killed himself too so we have so many unanswered questions and never had an opportunity for Justice. I don't know how to cope with the way that I'm feeling and I'm not sure why this year is so much harder for me. Dear msunnderstood, I'm very sorry about your cousin. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. I think sometimes the sadiversary is worse than other years because of various "outside" factors. By "outside" I mean other things that are going on on that day or right before it. I think this is a day that's so hard for us MVS anyway that any OTHER thing going on makes it that much harder. This has been my experience. 1 thing that can help you cope is to come here. On here people TRULY understand how it is and also care. Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
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Post by msunnerstood on Oct 15, 2010 6:43:09 GMT -5
Thank you both for responding and for your insight
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Post by c21king2queen on Oct 15, 2010 18:15:27 GMT -5
I can understand what you are going through. It has only been 2and 1/2 years since my husband's murder, love of my life and father of my only child. Each year on the anniversary of his death, on Wedding Anniversaries, Birthdays, holidays and other special days my husband and I shared, I go into a depressing funk. Sometimes it seems worse than others. I have learned from other Murder Victim Survivors that there are triggers, I believe that. What we have been through as Murder Victim Survivors, you never get over and never forget. We have to learn to live with it for the rest of our lives, because it is not going away. Other people have no clue and can't even begin to understand or imagine what I am going through and will continue to go through for the rest of my life, unless they have been going through a similar experience. Take some comfort in knowing that there are some people who understand what you are going through. We should all take some comfort in knowing that God will have the final justice. In the end God's Justice will prevail. My husband's case hasn't been to trial yet. I will have to go through 2 murder trials, one for each of the 2 suspects. Whatever happens, it won't change anything. My husband will still be dead, my son will still be fatherless for the rest of his life and I will still be a widow and single mother for the rest of my life. No one can give back, repay, or replace what has been taken from my husband, son, and I. My husband will always be in my heart and soul. We should all take comfort in knowing that the love remains even after our loved ones are dead. God is wathching over us and God will take care of us. My heart and prayers go out to you. Hugs!!
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Post by msunnerstood on Oct 17, 2010 18:47:37 GMT -5
Triggers.. that is what it is. Recently, there was another murder suicide near my town. Two teenagers. It ripped out my heart. You're right, No one who isnt in it, gets it. I know friends mean well when they try to make me feel better but those trigger moments, there is no comfort. I just need to work through it and grieve for as long as I need to. Some say I wont heal until I forgive her killer. I have searched my heart all of these years and I just can't bring myself to do it. He felt no remorse as he shot her in the back and then 4 times in the head.. he didnt have mercy on our family or on her.. how could I ever feel mercy or forgiveness for him?
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Post by c21king2queen on Oct 18, 2010 17:11:39 GMT -5
Those triggers are hard moments we go through over and over. No one can really understand unless they have walked in our shoes. Other people mean well and try to be helpful, but we just have to grieve in our own way. I have had people tell me that you have to forgive or it will eat you up, but they don't understand because they haven't been through what I have been going through. My advice on forgiveness, in this case, is search your own heart and soul and forgive or don't forgive in your own time and your own way. In my case, I will never get over it and never forget. I just have to keep trying to find a way to live with it each day and take one day at a time. I don't think I can ever really forgive. The people responsible for my husband's murder spent a lot of time conspiring and planning to murder him. Either of them could have stopped it at any time before he was murdered and he would be alive and well right now. They didn't stop it, they followed through on their evil and murderous plan. They lured him to the property. He thought he was going on a Real Estate Listing Call. He never saw it coming and didn't know what hit him. One shot to the back of the head literally blew his head off. They moved his body and burried him in a shallow grave. Then they moved his car and ditched it in the woods miles away in another location. He was dead for 3 days before his body was found and another day before his car was found. They kept his body in Autopsy for 2 weeks while they waited for a special team to go back out to crime scene and try to find the pieces of his skull so they could try to piece it back together. There is still a piece missing. Without a trial my husband was unfairly and unjustly given an instant death penalty at the hands of evil, greedy and selfish people. Without a trial my son was unfairly and unjustly sentenced to a life without a father by those same evil people. Without a trial I was unfairly and unjustly sentenced to a life without my husband, love of my life and father of my only child. They had no mercy for innocent victims. Why should I have mercy on them and find it in my heart to forgive? We all have to grieve in our own way and our own time. It helps to have someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on sometimes. That is why I visit this site. I know the members on this site understand. My heart and prayers go out to you and other Murder Victim Survivors. Hugs!!
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 18, 2010 21:47:25 GMT -5
Through the years of going to several support groups, and posting here and some other places, I have known a few who have tried to or forgiven the murderer. Of the ones I've met in the face to face world, none of them have ever told me they were healed. They have told me there is still the grief and pain of missing them, and those triggers will still set that off too. In my case, even if I believed it was my place to forgive them (and I simply don't) I would still have my PTSD. There is simply no way saying those words would "heal" me, even if I wanted to say them.
Some believe differently than I do, of course. And I think it is GREAT for every MVS that finds anything that will help them to feel better about any part of all this. But what we need can be as different as people can be, and even the best grief counselors and therapists know that. There are no pat answers that will work for everyone.
That is one of the things I like about this place. Many different people can post about what has helped them, or what they have gone through, in their own circumstances, with their own beliefs, and people might find something out of all those options that would help them too. The more ideas the better.
Personally I had to find ways to vent the anger, and still do sometimes. Because, for me at least, it is simply still there, and probably always will be. And I'm not ashamed of it at all. I believe it is a natural human reaction that is to be expected. I don't really understand how anyone could not be angry at murder, or think that being angry at murder was unnatural or wrong.
And I have done better to vent than to try to suppress it any way, whenever possible. In fact trying to suppress it got me even more problems, it started coming out at other people and other things. The anger started getting displaced. Even if it is just going outside and throwing rocks at trees, that can help me. And then doing the things I've learned in therapy to help me relax after that.
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Post by msunnerstood on Oct 18, 2010 22:45:39 GMT -5
I DO feel such anger and hatred all these years later. I want him to be burning in hell. There is so few family left I can talk to about it. Mer father died younger then he should have. Cancer of the heart took him a few years ago. Her brother is really the only one but I dont want to cause him more pain. For years I have wanted to go to the police station and look at the report.. because I have so many unanswered questions. They told us the first shot killed her. I am not sure I believe that because then, why did he keep shooting her and she laid on the floor? How long did she lay there before her poor mother found her? She didnt call her mother as usual friday night and then they didnt find her until Sunday.. what is her actual date of death? They count it as the day she was found but some part of me needs to know when it really was. I wonder if I had PTSD.. Ive had dreams of my own mother cutting through a screen to find me dead the way her mother did. Ive dreamed of laying on the floor and waiting for someone to find me.. How can any of us not be haunted by this stuff for the rest of our lives?
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Post by c21king2queen on Oct 19, 2010 17:30:25 GMT -5
All Murder Victim Survivors will be haunted by this for the rest of their lives in some way or form. You never get over it or forget. There are always the triggers. There is always the Post Traumatic Stress and the anger. There are always questions and so many questions left unanswered. There are the dreams and the nightmares. There are the nights you have trouble sleeping and times you have trouble eating. So many tears we shed. So much heartache and pain. In my case there have been times that I get a nervous feeling and even feel nausea. There have been times that I felt anxiety, like I could hardly catch my breath, nausea, as if someone had just given me the worst punch of my life and I just wanted to run and hide from everyone. I once had a dream that seemed so real, as if it actually happened. In this dream TV Reporters were standing in front of my home reporting, "What investigators first believed was a murder suicide has changed to a double homicide with the bodies of a mother and her child found inside this home. The bodies are those of a widow and child of a recent murder victim." I could see the Reporters on my front lawn as I entered the front door walking past Police Officers, no one seemed to see me or notice me. I entered the living room first and saw investigators examining a body, it was me. I could see my dead body laying on the couch, there was so much blood. I turned in horror and walked past more Police Officers down the hall to my son's room. More investigators were gathered around my son's crib. I saw my son laying in his crib dead, there was so much blood. We were both shot through the heart. I had that dream not long after my husband's murder and before my son and I moved. I think the significance of the horrible nightmare is that my son and I took an emotional and psychological shot through heart when my husband was murdered. I think we all have some sort of bad dreams at times. Sometimes we even have good or humorous dreams about our loved ones, remembering them more the way they were when they were alive. I like the good and humorous dreams. They comfort me. The important thing for all of us is to find a way to deal with our grief and anger and post traumatic stress in a more positive way rather than negative. We need to learn how to be proactive rather than reactive with our anger and grief. We all have to find a way to live with it and deal with it one day at a time. The fact is that Murder Victim Survivors are unjustly and unfairly given a lifetime sentence without parole, death is the only way out for us. We have to live with this for the rest of our lives. I wish we could change it, unfortunately there is no way to undo what has been done. Whether or not we find some way to forgive the murders, the fact is our loved ones will still be dead and we still have to live with this. God teaches us to forgive and that we should forgive even the unforgivable. I am all for forgiveness, but I just can't forgive the people responsible for the murder of my husband, love of my life and father of my only child. They didn't just murder my husband, they also murdered the child or chidren we would have had and a future of 50 years or more together. They hurt and destroyed the innocent lives of those who love my husband. We have to live with this for the rest of our lives. I am a Christian and I hate to disappoint God and I pray that God will forgive me and have mercy on my soul for not being able to forgive the murderers. May God be with us all. watch over us and protect us. My heart and prayers go out to all Murder Victim Survivors, Hugs.
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