Post by insideout on Oct 12, 2011 21:20:12 GMT -5
I havnt posted on here in a wile. I guess i've been a silent observer these past few months on here.
I dont know where to start about what has been happening for me of recent date except to say that i wish this thing would get easier. I pray to god with councelling now one day it will.
Hannah's death has been getting to me a lot recently. Thankfully now i have found a loving partner who understands that this will always be a part of me and will never truly leave me. I've also been making some new friends through him. This is a blessing and a curse. They are great people, yes. But all my other friends until now were with me in my life when it happened, they saw it first hand with me and they know and understand fully how it effects me. These new friends with time will understand too i guess. One of the things i really can not stomach because of hannah is gore and violence. My parter and i were out to dinner with some of his friends last night, and one of them started going into VERY graphic detail about the death of this man. He sat there infront of me telling me this story about what had happened when this man had a compressed oxygen hose inserted in him and fired. I yelled at him to stop but he didnt. My parter has told him many times to not talk about that kind of stuff infront of me. I was getting distressed and saying in a very loud and assertive way to stop and change the subject. He didnt and repeated to another friend the story. I got up and told my patner i was going outside. All i could think about then was Hannah. I got up and went ouside and sat by a fountain with my head in my hands. I felt an odd mixture of feeling like throwing up and crying my eyes out and passing out. All i could think about was Hannah and what she went through, and what happened to her after her death. My partner got the message that something was up, and he came out and put his arm around me. He asked me if Hannah was what was upsetting me and i nodded. I told him i couldnt get the image of her corpse out of my head. I never saw it and i dont want to but i know enough about what happened to have a fair idea i guess. I buried my face in his shoulder and cried. I told him i just miss her so much, and he hugged me and said "i know sweetheart, he didnt have to go into such graphic detail" I told him she would have loved him, and he smiled and said he wished he could have met her. He also told me to remember that she will always have a very special place in my heart and not to let her death overshadow my memories of her as a person. I know that its bad that these memories are triggered so easily for me, but i wish people would take more care when talking about these kind of things infront of me. I have told this guy before not to do that and so has my partner. I have told him that it triggers very personal and painful memories for me that I wish I never had to have, but i do and i have to live with Hannahs murder for the rest of my life. I will never completely get over it. Part of me will always be stuck back on that cold, rainy monday morning of march 15th 2004. The day Hannah went to heaven and the day part of me went with her. I will never be the same person i was before that day. Young, innocent and carefree. As this man was sitting there describing the death of this other person, all i could think was how lucky that guy was. His life would have been over almost instantly. Hannahs it would have taken a good 15 minutes for her to go. This guy would have been in pain yes, but only momentarily and he wouldnt have seen it coming much. The killer attacked hannah from behind. He covered her nose and her mouth, but not her eyes. Every single strike she would have seen coming, and she would have felt it. She tried to fight him off but what chance does an 11 year old little girl have against a 41 year old man?
I wish people would just think before they speak sometimes. Or stop a topic like this when someone askes you too and is clearly upset. True, sometimes it isnt always possible, but you dont know what is in a persons past. You really dont know what experiences they may have and how painful it may be for them. If im asking you to change a topic like this, theres a reason. This person doesnt have to live with what i have had to for the past 8 years. I pray to god that he never will have to truly understand what i am going through on a daily basis, as i would NEVER wish this on anyone. My partner told me last night he feels like he knew Hannah too. This guy, he can talk and hear about these things and not feel personally connected to them. They happen every day. But no one ever thinks that they can happen to you or someone you know or effect somone you know. Murder in the minds of other people is something that happens to and effects somone elses family, sombody elses friends. My long time friends know this is something i stuggle with on a day to day basis, it has been that way since it happened and it probably always will to some extent. My Partner understands this too. He told me last night that he knows full well that for me it will probably always have to be facing it day by day, moment by moment. He also said that she was probably looking down on me with a smile on her face and pride in her heart. No one who has never experienced murder can ever truly understand what i am going through, but my partner and my mother understand better than most.
I dont know if anyone else experiences this, where certain things can trigger such memories, but i dont know where else to go now.
I dont know where to start about what has been happening for me of recent date except to say that i wish this thing would get easier. I pray to god with councelling now one day it will.
Hannah's death has been getting to me a lot recently. Thankfully now i have found a loving partner who understands that this will always be a part of me and will never truly leave me. I've also been making some new friends through him. This is a blessing and a curse. They are great people, yes. But all my other friends until now were with me in my life when it happened, they saw it first hand with me and they know and understand fully how it effects me. These new friends with time will understand too i guess. One of the things i really can not stomach because of hannah is gore and violence. My parter and i were out to dinner with some of his friends last night, and one of them started going into VERY graphic detail about the death of this man. He sat there infront of me telling me this story about what had happened when this man had a compressed oxygen hose inserted in him and fired. I yelled at him to stop but he didnt. My parter has told him many times to not talk about that kind of stuff infront of me. I was getting distressed and saying in a very loud and assertive way to stop and change the subject. He didnt and repeated to another friend the story. I got up and told my patner i was going outside. All i could think about then was Hannah. I got up and went ouside and sat by a fountain with my head in my hands. I felt an odd mixture of feeling like throwing up and crying my eyes out and passing out. All i could think about was Hannah and what she went through, and what happened to her after her death. My partner got the message that something was up, and he came out and put his arm around me. He asked me if Hannah was what was upsetting me and i nodded. I told him i couldnt get the image of her corpse out of my head. I never saw it and i dont want to but i know enough about what happened to have a fair idea i guess. I buried my face in his shoulder and cried. I told him i just miss her so much, and he hugged me and said "i know sweetheart, he didnt have to go into such graphic detail" I told him she would have loved him, and he smiled and said he wished he could have met her. He also told me to remember that she will always have a very special place in my heart and not to let her death overshadow my memories of her as a person. I know that its bad that these memories are triggered so easily for me, but i wish people would take more care when talking about these kind of things infront of me. I have told this guy before not to do that and so has my partner. I have told him that it triggers very personal and painful memories for me that I wish I never had to have, but i do and i have to live with Hannahs murder for the rest of my life. I will never completely get over it. Part of me will always be stuck back on that cold, rainy monday morning of march 15th 2004. The day Hannah went to heaven and the day part of me went with her. I will never be the same person i was before that day. Young, innocent and carefree. As this man was sitting there describing the death of this other person, all i could think was how lucky that guy was. His life would have been over almost instantly. Hannahs it would have taken a good 15 minutes for her to go. This guy would have been in pain yes, but only momentarily and he wouldnt have seen it coming much. The killer attacked hannah from behind. He covered her nose and her mouth, but not her eyes. Every single strike she would have seen coming, and she would have felt it. She tried to fight him off but what chance does an 11 year old little girl have against a 41 year old man?
I wish people would just think before they speak sometimes. Or stop a topic like this when someone askes you too and is clearly upset. True, sometimes it isnt always possible, but you dont know what is in a persons past. You really dont know what experiences they may have and how painful it may be for them. If im asking you to change a topic like this, theres a reason. This person doesnt have to live with what i have had to for the past 8 years. I pray to god that he never will have to truly understand what i am going through on a daily basis, as i would NEVER wish this on anyone. My partner told me last night he feels like he knew Hannah too. This guy, he can talk and hear about these things and not feel personally connected to them. They happen every day. But no one ever thinks that they can happen to you or someone you know or effect somone you know. Murder in the minds of other people is something that happens to and effects somone elses family, sombody elses friends. My long time friends know this is something i stuggle with on a day to day basis, it has been that way since it happened and it probably always will to some extent. My Partner understands this too. He told me last night that he knows full well that for me it will probably always have to be facing it day by day, moment by moment. He also said that she was probably looking down on me with a smile on her face and pride in her heart. No one who has never experienced murder can ever truly understand what i am going through, but my partner and my mother understand better than most.
I dont know if anyone else experiences this, where certain things can trigger such memories, but i dont know where else to go now.