Post by dblvictim on Nov 3, 2011 22:55:02 GMT -5
I haven't posted for some time. But, this time of year is always the hardest. It generally starts the beginning of Sept. and ends sometime after February.
It is now three years sense my son and husband were brutally and senselessly taken from me. One of the teens was arrested, not on the murder charges. My son Ty, he was also shot, was asked to do a photo line-up. He picked out the teen that shot his father. So, a little progress has been made.
As for me, as we all know, the pain doesn't go away, nor does the emptiness, they become a part of us. Me, well, I feel even less emotions than I did three years ago. Anger is more frequent in me, and at times I can't say why or what I am angry at. And that "I just don't care" attitude, well it is now my best friend.
I still meet people that will shy away when they hear of my past, as if I had something to do with the shooting. And the ones that will try to treat me as if I am damaged-mentally. So, maybe I am.
And I have learned a few things from this. Such as; do not take the people in your life for granted, they are easily taken from you.
I don't care what your kids may do to irritate you, always be there for them, tell them you love them, even when you are ready to scream. Children are so very precious, no matter the age. they cannot be replaced.
I still have not come to accept that my son Trevor is not with me. When I visit him, it is very surreal. I know his body is in that grave, but my mind still screams that it's not true. I find myself wanting to reach down grab him, shake him until he wakes up. When I see kids that are the age of Trevor when he left, I see him. I still hear him saying "HEY MOM". I still fall asleep crying, wake up crying, look for him, wait for him to come home. At times, I have caught myself calling his brother, Ty, Trevor. They are less than a year apart in age and were always together. It was easier for me to say "BOYS" than to call them by their names. Not long ago I spoke to a woman who is "sensitive". She knew nothing of me. She told me not to worry about Trevor because he is always with me. And, I did worry, alot. I worried that he was alone, that his dad was not with him.
I know I have 3 other kids, but I'd give up everything to be with Trevor, or to have him back with me.
Randy, my husband, i still get angry at him. I have so many unresolved issues with him. When he was in icu, we were told not to bring up trevor until he did. I was never able to talk with him about our son, the funeral, nothing. Not even on the day of the funeral, when his brother had told him of trevor's funeral. When I went to visit randy that night, he still did not mention trevor. what he did tell me was that i looked nice, but i always look so sad, it was in my eyes. in the last few months i have discovered that he spoke of trevor to other people. why not to me? did he have any idea of how hard that time was for me. or, that i needed him then more than any other time in our 23 years? did he know how very alone and scared i was? these are things i will never know. and these are some of the reasons i have this anger in me. what am i supposed to do with this anger. let it go? yeah, i don't think so.
if i could turn back time, erase that time, have my family back. yes, sense the shooting, my family has fallen apart. my two oldest and i are not speaking. my younger(est) sends me texts to say he loves me. but life is not what it was. that's what i want back, and that makes me angrier.
It is now three years sense my son and husband were brutally and senselessly taken from me. One of the teens was arrested, not on the murder charges. My son Ty, he was also shot, was asked to do a photo line-up. He picked out the teen that shot his father. So, a little progress has been made.
As for me, as we all know, the pain doesn't go away, nor does the emptiness, they become a part of us. Me, well, I feel even less emotions than I did three years ago. Anger is more frequent in me, and at times I can't say why or what I am angry at. And that "I just don't care" attitude, well it is now my best friend.
I still meet people that will shy away when they hear of my past, as if I had something to do with the shooting. And the ones that will try to treat me as if I am damaged-mentally. So, maybe I am.
And I have learned a few things from this. Such as; do not take the people in your life for granted, they are easily taken from you.
I don't care what your kids may do to irritate you, always be there for them, tell them you love them, even when you are ready to scream. Children are so very precious, no matter the age. they cannot be replaced.
I still have not come to accept that my son Trevor is not with me. When I visit him, it is very surreal. I know his body is in that grave, but my mind still screams that it's not true. I find myself wanting to reach down grab him, shake him until he wakes up. When I see kids that are the age of Trevor when he left, I see him. I still hear him saying "HEY MOM". I still fall asleep crying, wake up crying, look for him, wait for him to come home. At times, I have caught myself calling his brother, Ty, Trevor. They are less than a year apart in age and were always together. It was easier for me to say "BOYS" than to call them by their names. Not long ago I spoke to a woman who is "sensitive". She knew nothing of me. She told me not to worry about Trevor because he is always with me. And, I did worry, alot. I worried that he was alone, that his dad was not with him.
I know I have 3 other kids, but I'd give up everything to be with Trevor, or to have him back with me.
Randy, my husband, i still get angry at him. I have so many unresolved issues with him. When he was in icu, we were told not to bring up trevor until he did. I was never able to talk with him about our son, the funeral, nothing. Not even on the day of the funeral, when his brother had told him of trevor's funeral. When I went to visit randy that night, he still did not mention trevor. what he did tell me was that i looked nice, but i always look so sad, it was in my eyes. in the last few months i have discovered that he spoke of trevor to other people. why not to me? did he have any idea of how hard that time was for me. or, that i needed him then more than any other time in our 23 years? did he know how very alone and scared i was? these are things i will never know. and these are some of the reasons i have this anger in me. what am i supposed to do with this anger. let it go? yeah, i don't think so.
if i could turn back time, erase that time, have my family back. yes, sense the shooting, my family has fallen apart. my two oldest and i are not speaking. my younger(est) sends me texts to say he loves me. but life is not what it was. that's what i want back, and that makes me angrier.