Post by c21king2queen on Apr 12, 2012 15:48:56 GMT -5
I have learned that life is not about choices, what we want, need, or deserve. It is about living the life we have been given, the life that has chosen us. We don't have to like it. We just have to live it. Apparently, I wasn't meant to be married. If God had intended for me to be married then my husband wouldn't have been murdered, he would be alive and my son and I wouldn't have been through all we have been through and will have to continue going through. I didn't choose this life and I don't like it. I can't change it. I do have to live it. Last night my 5 year old son suddenly started crying with tears streaming down his face. When he was finally able to speak words that I could understand, he said, "I want to live with my Dad. I miss him. This is not my home. What did he look like? We don't have enough pictures of him." He often talks about his Dad and looks at pictures of him. Sometimes he suddenly starts crying because he misses his Dad. My son was only 14 months old when my husband was murdered. Don't tell me a child that age isn't aware and not affected. My son has been. All I can do is love my son, hold him, wipe his tears, talk to him about his Dad, and try to do the best I can as his only surviving parent. I keep telling my son that his Father is in Heaven and someday when it is his turn he can go to Heaven and be with his Father. I also keep telling him that his Father is always with us in love, in our hearts and memories. My son and I have to live with this for the rest of our lives. I pray everyday for God to take care of my husband and let him know that we love him. I pray everyday for God to help me take care of, provide for, protect, and raise my son. I also pray everyday for Justice, answers and truth for my husband's murder, for all that my son and I have been through and will continue to go through for the rest of our lives. In exactly 2 weeks it will be exactly 4 years since my husband was murdered, 4 years since I last saw and spoke to him. Our last words to each other were, "I love you."