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Post by sentinel on May 17, 2012 22:42:24 GMT -5
Hi. I haven't been on here in a long time. It's been almost 4 years since my brother's murder. And.... I'm supposed to "move on" with everthing. And, I've been doing that mostly. Working, husband, mortgage, bills, yadda yadda....But, here's my thing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my brother. We were two years apart and very close. So many memories and things that pop up during the usual day that remind me of him. All of our inside jokes that no one will "get", our Monday night phone calls, everything. He was only 37 when he was murdered and it kills me still today.
My question is, am I still supposed to feel like this? I go for a few months and am ok. Then I just get blindsided and there it all is again. I actually woke up a month ago crying. I don't want to not think of him ever. And with a lack of better words to put this, is there ever a time when you're ok with it? I'm thinking NO.
Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening. Sentinel.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on May 18, 2012 11:53:00 GMT -5
Hi. I haven't been on here in a long time. It's been almost 4 years since my brother's murder. And.... I'm supposed to "move on" with everthing. And, I've been doing that mostly. Working, husband, mortgage, bills, yadda yadda....But, here's my thing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my brother. We were two years apart and very close. So many memories and things that pop up during the usual day that remind me of him. All of our inside jokes that no one will "get", our Monday night phone calls, everything. He was only 37 when he was murdered and it kills me still today. My question is, am I still supposed to feel like this? I go for a few months and am ok. Then I just get blindsided and there it all is again. I actually woke up a month ago crying. I don't want to not think of him ever. And with a lack of better words to put this, is there ever a time when you're ok with it? I'm thinking NO. Any thoughts or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening. Sentinel. Dear sentinel, I'm very sorry about your brother. I'm glad you came back on here! All that you're feeling is normal. Even those of us MVS who have had a lot of years since the murder and/or murders think of our loved 1's and/or friends every day. Our emotions can change very quickly also. Unfortunately, we live in a very spoiled brat "instant mentality" society where too many think recovery should take X amount of time and if it takes longer than that you're an inferior person. This is an evil lie to anyone that's ever done any kind of recovery work plus for the professionals that help them. There's nothing wrong with thinking of him. It's normal for us to think of our murdered loved 1's and/or friends every day. I hope this info helps you. I'm glad you came back on here! Take care.
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Post by tamècasmom on May 19, 2012 8:31:02 GMT -5
Dear Sentinel,
The words, "move on" never worked for me. What did begin to work for me was the word, "live". "Live" has meant different things for me at different times in my (MVS) life. Only you can decide if the word can help you and what the word, "live" would mean to you.
The reasons I chose the word, "live" because there were many months right after the murder that was all I could do was live. I had no emotions, I was numb. I always remembered to breath which keep me alive. Finally, I chose the word, "live" because I know in my mind, body, and soul that is what my daughter would want me to do.
I totally understand your choice of words, yadda...yadda...yadda when it comes to people trying to give you information, especially when they do not have a clue what MVS live through daily.
Dawn
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Post by sentinel on Jun 10, 2012 23:57:50 GMT -5
Thank you for your replies. It really does help. Since reading them I've been able to 'breathe' a little better. I am so sorry for your losses. God bless you.
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Post by tamècasmom on Jun 14, 2012 9:45:54 GMT -5
Sentinel:
Glad to help even with the typo.....thanks (kinda) for pointing out my mistake.
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Post by melissa3504 on Jun 24, 2012 16:28:05 GMT -5
I am new here although it has been almost 4 years for me since my mom and stepdad were murdered and I go through the same thing. I think that the months we go through "seeming ok" on the outside make others think we are healed. I don't know if someone can heal from a murder if they can I would love to know how. Everyday is an accomplishment
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Jun 25, 2012 10:46:31 GMT -5
I am new here although it has been almost 4 years for me since my mom and stepdad were murdered and I go through the same thing. I think that the months we go through "seeming ok" on the outside make others think we are healed. I don't know if someone can heal from a murder if they can I would love to know how. Everyday is an accomplishment Dear melissa3504, I'm very sorry about your mom and stepdad. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. Take care.
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Post by dblvictim on Jul 7, 2012 12:46:39 GMT -5
Hi, I know that feeling to well. This September will be four years sense the murders of my youngest son and my husband. Some days are ok, some aren't. Some days start out ok, then, they aren't. It's like having this grey haze over your life. Everything is kind of dull. Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever feel like myself again. I have no answer. I still find myself comforting other people when they start to talk about my son and husband and they are upset. Even when I want to scream at them. Will our lives ever be the same? Of course not, our lives were drasticaslly altered because of someone else. will we ever feel ok? Only as much as we can. Does the heartache ever leave us? No. It becomes a part of you. Like breathing. Will the tears ever stop? I hope not, it's the only way I know to release some of the emotions. MAY THE ANGELS LOOK DOWN UPON US ALL ANDF COMFORT US IN OUR TIME OF GRIEF.
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Post by tamècasmom on Jul 10, 2012 14:22:04 GMT -5
I am new here although it has been almost 4 years for me since my mom and stepdad were murdered and I go through the same thing. I think that the months we go through "seeming ok" on the outside make others think we are healed. I don't know if someone can heal from a murder if they can I would love to know how. Everyday is an accomplishment My thought is healing and MVS are like oil and water they do not come together. I know some days from the outside it seems (as you stated) like MVS are healed. From where I sit, I have never completing healed on the inside. What I have done is learned how to "live" with the emptiness I continue to feel on the inside The lost of my daughter did one thing I am grateful for, my relation with God. Due to my age, I have thoughts I would have renewed my relationship with Him, anyways. Yet, the truth is I became closer to God when my daughter became an angel. Sometimes the thought I just stated helps me get through another day. I hope by sharing what has helped me get through the last six plus years helps you find ways to help you cope, with your new (unfair) life. I pray the LORD brings you peace on your bad days.
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Post by sentinel on Aug 21, 2012 22:33:02 GMT -5
Hi, I know that feeling to well. This September will be four years sense the murders of my youngest son and my husband. Some days are ok, some aren't. Some days start out ok, then, they aren't. It's like having this grey haze over your life. Everything is kind of dull. Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever feel like myself again. I have no answer. I still find myself comforting other people when they start to talk about my son and husband and they are upset. Even when I want to scream at them. Will our lives ever be the same? Of course not, our lives were drasticaslly altered because of someone else. will we ever feel ok? Only as much as we can. Does the heartache ever leave us? No. It becomes a part of you. Like breathing. Will the tears ever stop? I hope not, it's the only way I know to release some of the emotions. MAY THE ANGELS LOOK DOWN UPON US ALL ANDF COMFORT US IN OUR TIME OF GRIEF.
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Post by sentinel on Sept 6, 2012 2:29:07 GMT -5
Does anyone have a moment out of nowhere where you get this feeling that makes you sit up and you feel it in your bones?
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Post by dblvictim on Sept 22, 2012 11:33:11 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I believe the feelings never go away. Tomorrow will be the fourth year for myself and my family. Somedays are ok others are not. We just learn to live minute by minute and day to day. I have recently found myself to be the unofficial grief councelor for friends of mine. I found that in some strange way it has helped me. There are a few things I have learned in these four long years. I never tell another person "I know how you feel", because I don't. I never say "They are in a better place", BECAUSE THAT PLACE WOULD BE HERE WITH ME. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. Yes, we still have days when tears come and we aren't sure why. Still have times when we want to hear their voice and feel their touch. Please know that even though none of us our within reach of each other,except through this board, in a profound way, you are not alone. So, cry when you feel like crying, get angry when you feel anger, you are loved and cared for by all of us that have lost our loved ones to senseless violence. May the Angels keep you safe within the love they hold for all of us.
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Post by braveheart on Oct 27, 2012 20:09:13 GMT -5
I haven't been on here for five years since my sister was murdered. From the begining I thought I could just get through it and never got any counseling... I regret not getting help from the begining. I have crying spells now. I think about my sister all the time and so many things remind me of her. I see how her death has taken a toll on my Mom and Dad. It's depressing. From the begining I still wake up every day, put one foot in front of the other and deal with it. My sister was 29 years old and was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't even like talking about it,.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 29, 2012 13:11:48 GMT -5
I haven't been on here for five years since my sister was murdered. From the begining I thought I could just get through it and never got any counseling... I regret not getting help from the begining. I have crying spells now. I think about my sister all the time and so many things remind me of her. I see how her death has taken a toll on my Mom and Dad. It's depressing. From the begining I still wake up every day, put one foot in front of the other and deal with it. My sister was 29 years old and was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't even like talking about it,. Hello Braveheart, I am so sorry your sister was taken from you, and that you too know this pain. Even with counseling it took me years to "feel better". Not many people can understand what that really means to someone who is coming back from the depths of hell. I am glad for them that they do not know. But better just might be that we don't cry as many times a day after someone we love is murdered. After over 11 years, I still think of her every day, and there is at least part of most days that I still tear up or cry. People think about their brothers and sisters every day forever. Parents think about all their children every day forever. You and I are no different than others...we are normal human beings ...we think about them every day. But there are those abnormal traumatic memories of having to deal with the murder for us too. If only there were not the pain that comes after murder to learn to live with. No wonder we often need help learning to deal with it all. Hopefully if you cannot talk about it, at least reading here might help you release some of this pain. Time and talking and therapy did help me along the way through the years, I believe. I'm so sorry for your reason to be here, but welcome back and I hope this place can help you somehow. Janet
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