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Post by cowsrmom on Sept 30, 2012 23:01:43 GMT -5
My niece was killed on May 31st 2008. She was just out of school in the U.S. Coast Guard and was stationed in Corpus Christi TX as a petty officer AMT.
She was followed home after being in a bar over the Memorial Day weekend and then strangled in her apartment by a complete stranger; found the next day by a friend. Amy was the sunshine and flowers in the family.
I felt dead myself when this hit home.....fully. Her murder effected my whole family in a terrible way as I'm sure you all well know.
There is no way of knowing for sure but when my older brother committed suicide in October of 2009, I strongly suspect that despair over Amy's murder played a big part in his decision to opt out of life. (At times, I can see why) He went off on his own where he knew his family wouldn't find him and shot himself; after missing him, the sheriff was called and he was soon found by a tracking dog. I love him and miss him so much!
I really and truly used to think that Capital Punishment was not right but now I am changing my mind.
What bugs me the most about Amy's death and my brother, Jerry's suicide is that I can't talk about it much anymore. I did at first but since so much time has passed, I feel like I should be over it all so I don't say much when I feel the old familiar feelings of sadness, loss of innocence, despair, anger and such. I just am quiet and don't want to be with people. It's probably not healthy.
I came to this forum in the hope of finding a friend(s) with whom I could relate.
I sometimes think I am going nuts. I do not sleep well.....EVER. I am always preoccupied... and angry very often at small things. Certain songs, prayers and situations trigger tears. I often want to smash something...never to hurt others but just to feel the release of energy and anger pent up inside. Crying helps but there are only so many tears.
Thanks for reading this though. Even if I don't find the friend that I seek so strongly, it helps to write this.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Oct 2, 2012 16:54:10 GMT -5
My niece was killed on May 31st 2008. She was just out of school in the U.S. Coast Guard and was stationed in Corpus Christi TX as a petty officer AMT. She was followed home after being in a bar over the Memorial Day weekend and then strangled in her apartment by a complete stranger; found the next day by a friend. Amy was the sunshine and flowers in the family. I felt dead myself when this hit home.....fully. Her murder effected my whole family in a terrible way as I'm sure you all well know. There is no way of knowing for sure but when my older brother committed suicide in October of 2009, I strongly suspect that despair over Amy's murder played a big part in his decision to opt out of life. (At times, I can see why) He went off on his own where he knew his family wouldn't find him and shot himself; after missing him, the sheriff was called and he was soon found by a tracking dog. I love him and miss him so much! I really and truly used to think that Capital Punishment was not right but now I am changing my mind. What bugs me the most about Amy's death and my brother, Jerry's suicide is that I can't talk about it much anymore. I did at first but since so much time has passed, I feel like I should be over it all so I don't say much when I feel the old familiar feelings of sadness, loss of innocence, despair, anger and such. I just am quiet and don't want to be with people. It's probably not healthy. I came to this forum in the hope of finding a friend(s) with whom I could relate. I sometimes think I am going nuts. I do not sleep well.....EVER. I am always preoccupied... and angry very often at small things. Certain songs, prayers and situations trigger tears. I often want to smash something...never to hurt others but just to feel the release of energy and anger pent up inside. Crying helps but there are only so many tears. Thanks for reading this though. Even if I don't find the friend that I seek so strongly, it helps to write this. Dear cowsrmom, I'm very sorry about your niece. I'm glad you found us and hope you find some comfort here. Please know that all you're feeling is normal. Please don't fall for the ###*** that society pushes that your recovery is on a timetable. We live in a spoiled brat, instant mentality society that puts those who have been through any kind of trauma through a lot of ###*** in regards to recovery. This is 1 reason this board is needed along with other resources. Those who open their minds and hearts will see that recovery from becoming an MVS takes time and plain WORK. I'm also sorry about your brother. Again, I'm glad you found us and hope this info helps. Take care.
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Post by cowsrmom on Oct 2, 2012 21:59:13 GMT -5
Thanks very much. I needed to hear that. I had an anger episode yesterday morning with my husband. It was over something that usually is a thorn in both our sides but I blew it out of proportion. I had to take my daughter in for an appointment so I shared with her the fact that I really feel sad and angry about Jerry and Amy. I started to tear up but sucked it in since I was driving. She gave me a lot of insight into my anger and my constant need to protect myself and my kids.
When Jerry was found, it was around the middle of October. He was missing for several days before the sheriff found him so his actual day of death isn't known. I just miss him. And especially this month. His death was such a tragedy and a waste just as Amy's was. Amy has a birthday coming up in November so all around now, Fall is not a lot of fun to face.
For a long time, my only question about Amy's death was "Why?" Now I know it is useless to ask that.
Anyway, have a good night :-)
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Oct 7, 2012 13:49:15 GMT -5
Cowsrmom, I am so very sorry your niece Amy was taken from you, taken from all of us. Not everyone in this world is so generous with their own lives as to serve us all in our armed forces, bless her. Sleep has always been a problem for me too. For about 2 and 1/2 years, I could only sleep 2-3 hours at a time. It is not as bad now 11 years after, but if I want to be sure to have at least 6 hours sleep, I still will take a melatonin before bed at night. That is something I can get at the health food store. I agree with not laying there tossing and turning, getting up coming to the computer and doing something and having a drink of water can sometimes get me sleepy again nowadays. Yes the RAGE , it can still get me sometimes too. No one will ever make me ashamed of feeling that again, I know now it is a natural reaction that is to be expected to this horror we never should have known. But venting it, and not letting it simply have me is important to me too. It usually only happens when something surprises me now - triggers. I've learned to prepare for the things I know to expect to react to. And I'm still a big fan of throwing rocks at trees if need be. Finding ways we can vent is so important.
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Post by Cat Burke on Nov 8, 2012 22:58:19 GMT -5
Sleep? I'll never sleep again... That is when the mass murderer came into our home, while we were sleeping. My 18 year -old daughter was stabbed to death at 4am when she went downstairs for a bottle of water... It was her screams as she was being murdered that woke the whole house that morning...
Rage? That seems to be my ONLY emotion about everything these days... But, I am what I am now. If they want me to stick around for them, this is what they get. I don't make excuses for this "NEW ME". I am what the Murderer created me to be, when he took my life from me!
I can understand your brothers pain. As a parent, our children are something fundamentally sacred unto ourselves! Only one, of my three children was murdered in this attack. But I don't want to live. I hate being alive. I only exist for 'others', because not one person could seriously look at me and ever again say, "I need to live". Because the phrase they ALWAYS say with this is "I don't know how I could do it". Well, I don't either. Neither did your brother. And I understand this oh so well... Please, if you are going to be angry - be angry at the MURDERER for all of it! That's the person who robbed your brother of the life he had created, and left him to build a whole new one. My daughters murder killed "ME" that morning!!! And the person, the mother that I was - will never be again. And who I am now, is so different as to be almost be the opposite... And I never stop wanting to be with Saskia. I ache to die every minute, of every day. And maybe I shouldn't share this with you - but at least, maybe, it will help you to understand the REGRET, GUILT, SHAME AND PAIN that is carried each second by a parent in this new life we are forced to exist in. And it does not mean we don't love the others in our life. Children, spouses, family & friends. What it does mean, is that as an individual 'person', this is how we feel and what we are living with! And if I were to kill myself? I wouldn't be doing it 'to' others. I would be doing it 'for' myself! Others are all too quick to throw it in my face, how 'selfish' that sounds. But they can't understand, I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror - I don't recognize the life I worked so long and so hard to build... Everything is so altered, I feel like an episode of the Twilight Zone... To be released from something, almost evil inside, that has taken possession of your heart and soul and mind. To free others from this "new you", that will never be like the old one they love, knowing this "new you" is rotten to the core - because of this rage inside! To know that there is no peace in this life left, ever again. Your brother found peace. He was released from the demon inside him. And as much as it hurts, we must set those we love free. ( See, if I spoke like this to anyone else, they'd send the cops to my house to see if I was planning to kill myself. Here, it's ok to SAY HOW YOU FEEL... And not be judged, because so many feel just like you!)
I tried to explain to my best friend of 30 years, how I feel. I'll share this with you. I feel like the MURDERER filled me with the most painful cancer. It's taken all my happiness and joy, and robbed all the beauty of the world from me, because the pain of this cancer is too unbearable to even breathe. And all I truly want? Is for all the people who love me, to be with me in these final moments of agony - to tell me they love me, and then let me go... But instead? All these people see me in this much pain, and in their selfishness - ask me to stay. Again, not for myself - never again, for myself - but for them. Your brother has found the only peace that was left to him by the Murderer. And may he rest in such peace!
Capitol punishment... Well, I live in California. I've been writing for months on this topic. Fighting to KEEP the Death Penalty. And I can tell you, from this Victims viewpoint - it all comes down to PROTECTION. When someone is a danger, to any and all individuals they will ever come in contact with again, as a society - we should protect ourselves. And really, it is as simple as that. If you had a rabid dog, your favorite family pet of 8 years... Would you keep it around, or have it put to sleep? THESE PEOPLE are no different. Our Murderer came into our home, with the intention of killing 12 people that night! He only managed 1 - but he came to kill 12! He will only stand trial for killing 1 - but he CAME TO KILL 12! When you read he killed 1, it doesn't sound like much... Because they can't PROVE, that because he came into our house with 13 weapons strapped to his body, and a duffle bag filled with over 300 more - that his intention WAS IN FACT to kill us all. Come on, really? He watched our house for two weeks, WAITING for the children to come home for Christmas break... He could have come at any time, and kill all five of us - BUT HE WAITED FOR THE OTHER CHILDREN TO COME HOME! His intent was to kill us ALL! He stabbed Saskia so violently, so brutally, she died in less that one minute... From 7 major stab wounds, that broke her teeth out of her jaw, severing the artery in her neck, severing her lungs and the ventrical to her heart... She had so many self defense wounds on her arms, her legs - and the bottoms of her feet as she kicked at him and he stabbed into her, that the souls of her feet were severed as well! He came with over 300 knives... Just what do you think his intention was? And he will be just as dangerous, always as violent to everyone he is ever in contact with again. Should the prison staff, the prison doctor - or anyone else - ever be put in danger, just to keep him alive?
It is not about revenge. No matter how angry and mad, or how much rage we feel - nothing we could ever possibly do to him would be ENOUGH! It's not about Justice. Because there is no justice for Saskia. Again, that would mean PAIN AND SUFERAGE! No, in the end - its simple. It all comes down to protection.
It is so important to let your feelings out. What's hard, is for anyone to hear them. I write. I blog. I speak, constantly - with my writing! Write here, write for yourself. Start a journal, and let it all out - and share it if you want, or must. And always, always speak with other victims. We are the only ones - who 'can' listen. And more importantly, understand.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 9, 2012 11:14:43 GMT -5
Sleep? I'll never sleep again... That is when the mass murderer came into our home, while we were sleeping. My 18 year -old daughter was stabbed to death at 4am when she went downstairs for a bottle of water... It was her screams as she was being murdered that woke the whole house that morning... Rage? That seems to be my ONLY emotion about everything these days... But, I am what I am now. If they want me to stick around for them, this is what they get. I don't make excuses for this "NEW ME". I am what the Murderer created me to be, when he took my life from me! I can understand your brothers pain. As a parent, our children are something fundamentally sacred unto ourselves! Only one, of my three children was murdered in this attack. But I don't want to live. I hate being alive. I only exist for 'others', because not one person could seriously look at me and ever again say, "I need to live". Because the phrase they ALWAYS say with this is "I don't know how I could do it". Well, I don't either. Neither did your brother. And I understand this oh so well... Please, if you are going to be angry - be angry at the MURDERER for all of it! That's the person who robbed your brother of the life he had created, and left him to build a whole new one. My daughters murder killed "ME" that morning!!! And the person, the mother that I was - will never be again. And who I am now, is so different as to be almost be the opposite... And I never stop wanting to be with Saskia. I ache to die every minute, of every day. And maybe I shouldn't share this with you - but at least, maybe, it will help you to understand the REGRET, GUILT, SHAME AND PAIN that is carried each second by a parent in this new life we are forced to exist in. And it does not mean we don't love the others in our life. Children, spouses, family & friends. What it does mean, is that as an individual 'person', this is how we feel and what we are living with! And if I were to kill myself? I wouldn't be doing it 'to' others. I would be doing it 'for' myself! Others are all too quick to throw it in my face, how 'selfish' that sounds. But they can't understand, I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror - I don't recognize the life I worked so long and so hard to build... Everything is so altered, I feel like an episode of the Twilight Zone... To be released from something, almost evil inside, that has taken possession of your heart and soul and mind. To free others from this "new you", that will never be like the old one they love, knowing this "new you" is rotten to the core - because of this rage inside! To know that there is no peace in this life left, ever again. Your brother found peace. He was released from the demon inside him. And as much as it hurts, we must set those we love free. ( See, if I spoke like this to anyone else, they'd send the cops to my house to see if I was planning to kill myself. Here, it's ok to SAY HOW YOU FEEL... And not be judged, because so many feel just like you!) I tried to explain to my best friend of 30 years, how I feel. I'll share this with you. I feel like the MURDERER filled me with the most painful cancer. It's taken all my happiness and joy, and robbed all the beauty of the world from me, because the pain of this cancer is too unbearable to even breathe. And all I truly want? Is for all the people who love me, to be with me in these final moments of agony - to tell me they love me, and then let me go... But instead? All these people see me in this much pain, and in their selfishness - ask me to stay. Again, not for myself - never again, for myself - but for them. Your brother has found the only peace that was left to him by the Murderer. And may he rest in such peace! Capitol punishment... Well, I live in California. I've been writing for months on this topic. Fighting to KEEP the Death Penalty. And I can tell you, from this Victims viewpoint - it all comes down to PROTECTION. When someone is a danger, to any and all individuals they will ever come in contact with again, as a society - we should protect ourselves. And really, it is as simple as that. If you had a rabid dog, your favorite family pet of 8 years... Would you keep it around, or have it put to sleep? THESE PEOPLE are no different. Our Murderer came into our home, with the intention of killing 12 people that night! He only managed 1 - but he came to kill 12! He will only stand trial for killing 1 - but he CAME TO KILL 12! When you read he killed 1, it doesn't sound like much... Because they can't PROVE, that because he came into our house with 13 weapons strapped to his body, and a duffle bag filled with over 300 more - that his intention WAS IN FACT to kill us all. Come on, really? He watched our house for two weeks, WAITING for the children to come home for Christmas break... He could have come at any time, and kill all five of us - BUT HE WAITED FOR THE OTHER CHILDREN TO COME HOME! His intent was to kill us ALL! He stabbed Saskia so violently, so brutally, she died in less that one minute... From 7 major stab wounds, that broke her teeth out of her jaw, severing the artery in her neck, severing her lungs and the ventrical to her heart... She had so many self defense wounds on her arms, her legs - and the bottoms of her feet as she kicked at him and he stabbed into her, that the souls of her feet were severed as well! He came with over 300 knives... Just what do you think his intention was? And he will be just as dangerous, always as violent to everyone he is ever in contact with again. Should the prison staff, the prison doctor - or anyone else - ever be put in danger, just to keep him alive? It is not about revenge. No matter how angry and mad, or how much rage we feel - nothing we could ever possibly do to him would be ENOUGH! It's not about Justice. Because there is no justice for Saskia. Again, that would mean PAIN AND SUFERAGE! No, in the end - its simple. It all comes down to protection. It is so important to let your feelings out. What's hard, is for anyone to hear them. I write. I blog. I speak, constantly - with my writing! Write here, write for yourself. Start a journal, and let it all out - and share it if you want, or must. And always, always speak with other victims. We are the only ones - who 'can' listen. And more importantly, understand. Dear Cat Burke, I'm so tired of hearing the death penalty is "revenge" I could scream forever. Don't you LOVE how you hear this from NON-MVS? Incredible! It's in the same disgusting neighborhood of those who say MVS who go to civil court to get ANY kind of justice and/or closure are in it for the $'s only. I've seen these MVS literally called "vultures". Again, from those who aren't even MVS. The truth is unless you're an MVS you don't have the FULL understanding of these 2 things. I'm not surprised at all you've already heard the "revenge" ###***. From what I remember with your earlier posts you're a pretty new MVS. Unfortunately, as a new MVS you learn quick about this ###***. It's WONDERFUL you're writing! Keep up the great work! Educating non-MVS about what we go through is so needed. If we reach even 1 person that counts. Please don't listen to the 1's who give you "gloom and doom" ###*** that your writing won't do any good; you can't fight city hall, etc., etc. Your writing is needed and if there were NO education about MVS out there things would be even worse. Take care.
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Post by cowsrmom on Nov 19, 2012 22:32:36 GMT -5
Pumpkin, Janet-Beth and Cat.... <3 I thank you for what you've written and God bless you and keep you all sane and alive! You said that I can be honest here and spill my guts, well, I have to spill: That any innocent person has had their life taken away from them is horrific and worthy of a just and swift punishment of their murderer and as I said, maybe death is the most justified punishment and as immediately as possible. Murder cases should be tried within a short amount of time not as long as almost three years after the incident... or more! But the circumstances of a wrongdoing make a difference too and the fact that some people say that one sin is just the same as another despite the circumstances, well I don't buy it. There is a huge difference between stealing a pack of gum from a store and choking a woman or stabbing a woman to death! How do they have the gall to propose that as truth, yet this is what I have heard from a so-called Christian friend? "But for the Grace of God, there go I" is a prayer that they might want to pray each day!! They make me so mad! If they had a precious loved one taken from them, killed violently and then later on, the murderer saying that it wasn't their fault, they would still spout the same beliefs?? How can they sit on their righteous beliefs as Christians who are supposed to practice LOVE in all circumstances and then say something like that, I don't understand! I am Christian too and I would never say to another person who has been intimately effected by murder, that the crime of murder is as awful in God's eyes as the theft of a pack of gum!! If I could punch a person through cyberspace, that is what I would have done. Cat, I too understand what my brother did. Some of my family blamed him for killing himself and say he was selfish but I could never say that. I know that the ones who are capable of suicide are ill themselves and in need of help and love and nurturing and an end to suffering. If the world cannot give them what they need so badly in their eyes, then what is wrong with screwing the world and going on toward peace? What would Jerry have had to live for? Seeing this murdering son of a b**ch get paroled in 15 years? Knowing that he is smug as h**l blaming Amy for what happened and that even some of her fellow Coast Guardsmen blame her too just because she was a friendly sort who loved to have fun, party and go out at night?? She always called home, she always tried to go home for holidays, she never forgot a family member's birthday, she always remembered the family at Christmas no matter how little money she had. I miss her so damn much and I am so angry at the whole system. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I'll see her again. This is where we must place our hope!!! ~Jenni Tjose self-righteous
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