|
Post by atticusxstar on Dec 8, 2012 20:10:07 GMT -5
Hello all, I found this site a few days ago and have spent the last 5 hours reading - my tears haven't stopped flowing because for the first time in 13 months I am reading my thoughts/feelings but they are not of my own doing. They are your words, but they express everything. I lost my dad on 1st November 2011 and life hasn't been the same. In 10 days I am flying out to my birth country; to spend 3 weeks, in the house my father passed away in, with my mother for xmas/new years - I'm not looking forward to going back. I struggle to talk about what happened. I wont do it. Apparently this means that I am a cold heartless cow who cares for no one but myself (so says my mothers family and my own sister). In reality? If I did talk about it, I don't think I would stop crying for the rest of eternity. Is that some type of grief? I am told by others I haven't grieved yet.. what does it feel like? How does one know they are 'grieving'? or they are DONE grieving? aaaargh How can someone tell me I haven't grieved when I don't know what that means/feels like.. (gosh that makes me sound stupid).. I miss my dad so very much but everyone in my family tells me their pain is greater than mine so I cower away. I don't think my heart can handle listening to them anymore, now that makes me a horrible person. I don't know what I'm saying here.. but I suppose thank you.. each and everyone of you whose posts I read this morning.... for healing my heart a little.... I will leave you with this saying. I do wish I knew who said it as it is everything that I feel/think: You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy? How dare I be glad in a world where my father is no more? And then you cry fresh tears, for giving up your grief is another kind of death.Much love to you all, Atty
|
|
|
Post by pumpkin12903 on Dec 9, 2012 10:19:44 GMT -5
Hello all, I found this site a few days ago and have spent the last 5 hours reading - my tears haven't stopped flowing because for the first time in 13 months I am reading my thoughts/feelings but they are not of my own doing. They are your words, but they express everything. I lost my dad on 1st November 2011 and life hasn't been the same. In 10 days I am flying out to my birth country; to spend 3 weeks, in the house my father passed away in, with my mother for xmas/new years - I'm not looking forward to going back. I struggle to talk about what happened. I wont do it. Apparently this means that I am a cold heartless cow who cares for no one but myself (so says my mothers family and my own sister). In reality? If I did talk about it, I don't think I would stop crying for the rest of eternity. Is that some type of grief? I am told by others I haven't grieved yet.. what does it feel like? How does one know they are 'grieving'? or they are DONE grieving? aaaargh How can someone tell me I haven't grieved when I don't know what that means/feels like.. (gosh that makes me sound stupid).. I miss my dad so very much but everyone in my family tells me their pain is greater than mine so I cower away. I don't think my heart can handle listening to them anymore, now that makes me a horrible person. I don't know what I'm saying here.. but I suppose thank you.. each and everyone of you whose posts I read this morning.... for healing my heart a little.... I will leave you with this saying. I do wish I knew who said it as it is everything that I feel/think: You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy? How dare I be glad in a world where my father is no more? And then you cry fresh tears, for giving up your grief is another kind of death.Much love to you all, Atty Dear Atty, I'm very sorry about your dad. I'm glad you found this board and hope you find some comfort here. The feelings you're having are normal for what you've been through. Unfortunately, the lie that recovery from trauma is supposed to be on some timetable is pushed constantly. Becoming an MVS isn't something that can be recovered from in a specific amount of time. Please know that this is a safe place for you to vent. This is very needed because of the lies pushed about recovery from trauma. When you smile again you're NOT being a traitor. That's another lie pushed especially by those who haven't done any recovery work from their trauma. They take the easy way out because to get to the point where you DO smile again takes a commitment to do the recovery work. Recovery work also isn't on a timetable either. We live in a spoiled brat, "I want it NOW" and "everything should be instant" society, unfortunately. To be honest, to think of your murdered loved 1's and/or friends every day isn't wrong. You CAN have a life after a trauma. You can have it and still think of your loved 1's and/or friends. I agree grief is complicated. 2 things that have greatly helped me understad it were/are counseling (this literally saved my life) and reading the accounts of OTHER MVS and ther journeys through recovery. I hope this info helps you. Again, welcome to the board. Take care.
|
|
|
Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Dec 9, 2012 13:50:24 GMT -5
Hello all, I found this site a few days ago and have spent the last 5 hours reading - my tears haven't stopped flowing because for the first time in 13 months I am reading my thoughts/feelings but they are not of my own doing. They are your words, but they express everything. I lost my dad on 1st November 2011 and life hasn't been the same. In 10 days I am flying out to my birth country; to spend 3 weeks, in the house my father passed away in, with my mother for xmas/new years - I'm not looking forward to going back. I struggle to talk about what happened. I wont do it. Apparently this means that I am a cold heartless cow who cares for no one but myself (so says my mothers family and my own sister). In reality? If I did talk about it, I don't think I would stop crying for the rest of eternity. Is that some type of grief? I am told by others I haven't grieved yet.. what does it feel like? How does one know they are 'grieving'? or they are DONE grieving? aaaargh How can someone tell me I haven't grieved when I don't know what that means/feels like.. (gosh that makes me sound stupid).. I miss my dad so very much but everyone in my family tells me their pain is greater than mine so I cower away. I don't think my heart can handle listening to them anymore, now that makes me a horrible person. I don't know what I'm saying here.. but I suppose thank you.. each and everyone of you whose posts I read this morning.... for healing my heart a little.... I will leave you with this saying. I do wish I knew who said it as it is everything that I feel/think: You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy? How dare I be glad in a world where my father is no more? And then you cry fresh tears, for giving up your grief is another kind of death.Much love to you all, Atty Bless you Dear Atty, I'm so sorry that you too know this pain, and that your dad was taken from you. I wish none of us knew what this is like, but thankfully we can often help each other find our way. Maybe muddled sometimes but we can always keep going. I like your saying too; it speaks of the chest aching. I agree. Like that commercial that says "depression hurts"; I've told people that is really true (it was true for me when I was depressed; I ached all over sometimes). And even before depression set in for that time, a burning rage could pound through me so hard it throbbed and ached through my limbs, and every now and then still does. I remember the first time I laughed after my daughter's murder, I immediately started crying again because I felt so guilty. My daughter had been murdered; how could I laugh ever again? But thankfully with time I knew that it was for my remaining family and friends, and for my survival and staying strong to fight for justice for her - for all these reasons and more I needed to try to be strong and whole and live fully as I could again. A wonderful saying you have shared with us - so THANK YOU! And I hope you can continue to find at least some comfort here.
|
|
|
Post by tamècasmom on Dec 11, 2012 16:47:25 GMT -5
Atty,
Unfortunately, I have to tell you welcome! Yes, grief is confusing and the confusion is heighten when a murder is the reason for ones loss.
I believe each MVS has to find their own way back to their "new" normal. For me it took awhile for the new normal to include deep laughter. For years laughter in my world was more like, ha-ha.
I am sadden when I read about situations where people try to grade grief, (my grief is greater than yours). Grief is an emotion which is felt internally and view externally. I believe one cannot judge the level of a person's grief from the outside in.
As long as you keep struggling, I believe, you will, too, will find your new normal. In the meantime, you now have a friend, post here anytime.
|
|
|
Post by kmwhitley on Dec 27, 2012 23:40:51 GMT -5
Grief is definitely confusing...everyone is different in how they grieve and how long it takes to feel somewhat "normal" again. It has been almost 19 years that my mom was murdered and I still feel empty without her and want to share with her everything like before. I am sorry you are going through this pain...feel free to post to me anytime. Some days I just want to cry all day for no apparent reason or lash out at people (and sometimes I do without realizing it). I miss her more every day it seems...
|
|