Clair
Newbie
Estly (Lee) Hall 3/25/43-3/31/2011 Love you always
Posts: 3
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Post by Clair on Aug 10, 2013 14:13:51 GMT -5
I want to thank you all, for your understanding and lack of judgement to all of us that are suffering from the premature death of our loved ones. After 2 1/2 years I am finally able to start talking about my husband, my doctor says its the sign that I have started to heal, but to me my anger is far worse. Unfortunately being killed by the local county police, I am unable to get justice as they stated it was an accident, so no further investigation. I have a civil case pending but that will not bring justice. I still have to walk around town or drive and see the people that murdered my husband, walking and acting like they did nothing wrong at all. They even had the audacity to threaten to put my dog down as a dangerous dog ( he was my last Christmas present from my husband) and all he was doing was getting out occasionally, but I have fixed the fence so let them try.
Sorry but I am so angry I could easily kill them with no problem what so ever ( I won't but the anger and rage is all there) I can't let it go, I don't know how to and really I don't know if I want to. The rage is the only thing that makes me feel alive. I have been reading the threads here and see that I am not the only one with this problem, Please let me know how to channel this to something other than what I am at this moment. My doctor is talking PTSD and that I need help with this, well since they killed my Lee I don't have the time or the money available to get help, I work 5 days a week to keep a roof over our heads and then take my mother to chemo one day and shopping the next. My boss says take some time for yourself, how?
I know I'm not a regular person on this board, but whenever I need help I know I can come here. Unfortunately I feel I am at my limit and cannot take much more.
The County's lawyers are keeping the lawsuit pulled out as they are making money out of it all and really don't care about the outcome as the insurance will cover it all, but how do I get them to pay. How do I make them loose their jobs, their livelihoods and their freedom. I would quite easily vote for them to have the death penalty.
Sorry all this started out as a thankyou for your help with all these feelings and then I started ranting again.
I really appreciate all your comments and threads.
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Aug 11, 2013 17:12:52 GMT -5
I have PTSD. My symptoms are "mostly" manageable now. I haven't had any flashbacks for at least 2 or 3 years now, and I hardly ever get startled into the shaking anymore. I am not so hypersensitive to noise anymore; I do still have sleep problems, but do better than I used to. And I still have to work to control my "rage" sometimes. I still throw rocks at trees when I feel it building up. Or just walk away if I am not where I can do that at the time.
However, my symptoms only continued to worsen until I went to therapy and took anti-depressants. Sometimes a county Mental Health/Mental Rehabilitation service may help with therapy if you cannot afford it. It may be called something different where you are.
Some places also have "ability to pay" assistance, where they charge you a reduced fee based on what you can afford to pay. I don't know how to find these other than just calling and asking therapy clinics in your area if they will do this.
One good thing about the Affordable Care Act, it will begin to require that mental health insurance be available (I hope this is one of the things that will start January 2014, but I am not sure). I am so hopeful that will eventually help us to be able to afford the care we truly need after these traumas we have suffered so horribly through.
Some things that I did while I was going through therapy - write in a journal everyday about my feelings and thoughts and how my day went, learned breathing exercises to help me relax, learned how to positively reinforce good thoughts, was able to vent face to face with someone, and on and on. I think some of the best help I had was from other people like me at bereavement and POMC support groups, where we could share our stories, ideas for coping, and make friends with people who could listen
Bless you, Clair. I hope some of my ramblings can help somehow. I don't know everything, but I am able to share some things from my own experiences anyway. ((((HUGS))))) to you
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Aug 14, 2013 6:46:11 GMT -5
I want to thank you all, for your understanding and lack of judgement to all of us that are suffering from the premature death of our loved ones. After 2 1/2 years I am finally able to start talking about my husband, my doctor says its the sign that I have started to heal, but to me my anger is far worse. Unfortunately being killed by the local county police, I am unable to get justice as they stated it was an accident, so no further investigation. I have a civil case pending but that will not bring justice. I still have to walk around town or drive and see the people that murdered my husband, walking and acting like they did nothing wrong at all. They even had the audacity to threaten to put my dog down as a dangerous dog ( he was my last Christmas present from my husband) and all he was doing was getting out occasionally, but I have fixed the fence so let them try.
Sorry but I am so angry I could easily kill them with no problem what so ever ( I won't but the anger and rage is all there) I can't let it go, I don't know how to and really I don't know if I want to. The rage is the only thing that makes me feel alive. I have been reading the threads here and see that I am not the only one with this problem, Please let me know how to channel this to something other than what I am at this moment. My doctor is talking PTSD and that I need help with this, well since they killed my Lee I don't have the time or the money available to get help, I work 5 days a week to keep a roof over our heads and then take my mother to chemo one day and shopping the next. My boss says take some time for yourself, how?
I know I'm not a regular person on this board, but whenever I need help I know I can come here. Unfortunately I feel I am at my limit and cannot take much more.
The County's lawyers are keeping the lawsuit pulled out as they are making money out of it all and really don't care about the outcome as the insurance will cover it all, but how do I get them to pay. How do I make them loose their jobs, their livelihoods and their freedom. I would quite easily vote for them to have the death penalty.
Sorry all this started out as a thankyou for your help with all these feelings and then I started ranting again.
I really appreciate all your comments and threads. Dear Clair, I'm very sorry about your husband. Please know that all the feelings you're having are normal for a new MVS. Suggestions for getting counseling: Have you applied for Medicaid? It's worth a try. It's possible where you live there may be discounted healthcare through the county. You can find this information by calling your local department of health and human services. Janet's right in that there's some counselors that give discounts on their services and/or work on a sliding scale basis. You can call what are called "physician referral services" to find them. These services are listed in the yellow pages under "physicians". Speaking of time off from work, does your employer provide FMLA coverage? This is a government program that's kept me working for years. I have PTSD and panic disorder so am out sick more than a person without them. FMLA allows me to keep my job and not get in trouble with my employer for attendance. It allows you to take a sick leave and not lose your job or (as in my case) intermittent leave (I'm out for days here and there). If your employer has FMLA your doctor can fill out the forms recommending a leave. This would give you a block of time to work on recovery. A suggestion for releasing anger: go into a place where you won't disturb anyone and scream at whoever you're upset with. I still do this and it helps. I learned this in counseling. Even though the person isn't there it lets out your anger which is healthy. To repress anger will hurt you in the long run. There's ways of letting it out that won't affect others badly. Janet's suggestions on letting it out are great also. I know to a degree what you're going through with the civil case. My family had the doctor we were suing keep delaying trial, etc., and the judge allowed it to go on for too long. But, even this judge lost patience which I'm thankful for which allowed us to go to trial. I wish you the best with your case. Sometimes civil court is the last way for MVS to get any justice so I don't have patience with those who down us for doing it and/or say most (or even all) civil lawsuits are petty, not needed, etc. I hope this info helps you. Take care.
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