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Post by callie1 on Jun 26, 2003 20:27:52 GMT -5
Well, Saturday will be 10 weeks since my baby sister was murdered. I can't believe how many people I thought were caring people don't even ask me how I'm doing anymore. It's like her murder never happened. I just want to scream at them. How can they be complaing about mundane things when my sister was just murdered??!!! Just today a friend couldn't understand why I did not want to go to a party with her tomorrow night. I don't feel like going out and partying. I am so sad and noone seems to understand that except my Mom because she is in as much pain as I am if not more. Why are people so insensitive?? Do I write these people off or tell them how I feel?? They don't seem to understand that not acknowledging my pain or what happened is the most painful of all. My own mother-in-law has not once in the last 10 weeks called to ask me how I am doing. Can you believe that? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I just feel so ANGRY........
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Post by Just my opinion on Jun 26, 2003 22:00:20 GMT -5
I am so sorry. I can understand what they MIGHT be thinking. They may be thinking a few things. That maybe you need to get back to a normal life. That maybe if they talk to you about it you will get more depressed. It really is hard to know what they are thinking (since I do not really know them), but I just wanted to say that just because they do not understand does not mean they don't care about you or what happened. Maybe you should tell them how you are feeling and tell them what you need (a friend to talk to, more time to yourself, ect). As for your mother in law not calling to see how you are doing since this happened I can't think of an excuse for that. Sorry.
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Post by Carrie Jones on Jun 27, 2003 11:55:03 GMT -5
Hi I am very sorry for your loss!!! I honestly do not think that your love ones forgot about your sister's death. I think in stead they are really lost for words. It is very hard to see someone you love in pain. My sister's boyfriend was murdered a couple of years ago and I hated to see her in all that pain!!!! When she would talk about him and start crying I never knew what to say because I knew that there was nothing I could say to make her feel better. The bottom line is that life goes on regardless if you want it to or not and you shouldn't get upset with your friend because she wants you to go to a party. Don't you think that your sister would want you to live your life. I know it's hard especially because it has only been a couple of months but you'll see that time eases all pain!!!! No you will never forget her or stop loving her but it does get easier to accept!!! Trust me!!! Take it easy and remember just because you can't see your sister does not mean she is by your side during the toughest moments of your life!!! God Bless you!!! and never give up!!!!
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Post by Samantha - Urai's Daughter on Jun 27, 2003 12:13:33 GMT -5
Sound to me like it's a case of "not been there". People who have not lost a loved one through murder have no clue what you are going through. They don't understand it's not like losing a family member or friend to a long-term illness, car accident, etc... You can't prepare for murder, you just have to cope with the aftereffects, which are horrendous.
My deepest condolences to you and your family. Perhaps you can help your family and friends understand that your life is now different and that each person grieves in a different way. Tell them exactly what it is you want - if you want to be left alone to think and grieve, say so. If you want companionship without talking, maybe just watching the TV or a movie, say so. Be direct about it and don't feel like you owe any of them anything. You feel - how you feel. If you would rather be left alone for a while, tell them so.
My heart is with you Callie. Being that it is so soon, I know everything like your feelings are just so raw. (((HUGS)))
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Post by Johnny Love on Jun 27, 2003 13:16:20 GMT -5
I just want to correct samantha's U daughter. losing someone to a car accident or fire is just as painful, sudden and unexpected as losing them to murder!!! losing someone suddenly is painful no matter how you loose them!!! So to say what you said about "not being there!!!" is absolutely not true!!! Even if someone one is really sick and you know one day they will die but you never think it will actually happen until it does. the pain you feel after that person dies is less than the pain of someone who lost someone to murder? That's bull!!! You cannot rate pain Ms. KNOW IT ALL!!!!
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Jeanne Dotts Brykalski
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Post by Jeanne Dotts Brykalski on Jun 27, 2003 16:16:59 GMT -5
To Johnny Love and Big Ed.....
This board is for friends and loved ones of those INNOCENT people who have been murdered.
The death of a loved one is never easy, even when it is "for the best" when they are in horrible pain from cancer.
But have someone dies from old age, disease, or an accident (and DUI murders are NOT accidents), is very different than when someone you is murdered.
When someone is murdered, you end up spending the next YEARS of your life having to deal with the aftermath.
There are police, reporters, District Attorneys, Criminal Defense attorneys, prosecutors,and private investigators poking into your life. You lose your privacy, your sense of security, and your trust in the criminal justice system. You lose so called "friends and family" who just can't or won't even try to understand what you are going through. Casual acquaintances and co-workers and perfect strangers think they have the right to ask you all sorts of sick questions, and make all sorts of ignorant and insensitive remarks.
It has been 8 1/2 years since my parents were murdered. We have been to so many hearings and been to court so many times we have lost count.
We have had to listen to comments from one of the murderer's family as we walk by like "If they didn't want their house broken into, they shouldn't have gone out to dinner."
We have been threatened by friends and familiy members of the murdering monsters.
So, YES, losing a loved one to violence is VERY different than losing someone to time, illness, or an accident.
Samanta's picture is on the board a lot because she is a very active and caring MVS board MEMBER. She understands a great deal about my grief and pain, and has been very kind and supporting on a multitude of occassions to me and many others.
I don't know why you visit this board, or why you felt it necessary to make such rude and hateful remarks.
FYI... don't be suprised if the board moderators end up blocking your access. It has been done before.
And Callie..... you are still in the early stages of grief. It will take time before you feel like "celebrating" life again. But you will and you need to. Don't let the monster who murdered your sister murder your love for life.
As for you MNL.... I can definitely relate. When my parents were murdered, my husband (who was business partners with them) called them and asked them to come to Tennessee. He told them he needed them. That was early on Sunday morning. They didn't get here until 7 pm the following Tuesday, because my MNL had a hair appointment on Monday........ Some people are just unbelievably self-absorbed. BIG HUG (((( )))) Jeanne
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Post by Clarissa on Jun 27, 2003 18:11:35 GMT -5
I just want to correct samantha's U daughter. losing someone to a car accident or fire is just as painful, sudden and unexpected as losing them to murder!!! losing someone suddenly is painful no matter how you loose them!!! So to say what you said about "not being there!!!" is absolutely not true!!! Even if someone one is really sick and you know one day they will die but you never think it will actually happen until it does. the pain you feel after that person dies is less than the pain of someone who lost someone to murder? That's bull!!! You cannot rate pain Ms. KNOW IT ALL!!!! What you say about the pain of loss being the "same" regardless of the how & why is fundamentally true. BUT -- and this is a BIG "but" -- what Samantha was trying to express is that when someone you love is MURDERED (as opposed to death by disease, old age or accident), another element appears in the equation, the element of CHOICE. Someone ELSE took it upon themselves to deprive YOUR loved one of their life. Murder is NOT a "random" act, even when the victim is chosen randomly. The murderer makes a CHOICE to cross the line between good and evil, between right and wrong, and inflicts the sort of emotional anguish on the victim's survivors as to bring them to the brink of madness. There is no rational explanation. You cannot say of the deceased "He was old, and his life was long and full," or "She was so very ill, and now she is no longer in pain". Where old age, disease or accident is involved, no one is at fault. THAT, Mr. "Love", is where the difference lies. We do not usually quantify the pain of loss here because it isn't necessary: all of us here have survived the death of someone we love at the hands of another human being (and I use the term "human" loosely). We instinctively understand how this IS different -- whether you like it or not -- from other passings. Now, one last thing: name-calling on this board is not only childish and hurtful, it is completely unacceptable here. You have the right to disagree with Samantha, but you do not have the right to be disrespectful in your posting. If you post anything else of this nature, it will be deleted. If you are a MVS (which I doubt), then you are most welcome to contribute to the conversations at this forum -- as long as you follow the rules. Otherwise, please refrain from your nasty remarks.
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BethMariansChild
Sophomore
Regular
May the Great Goddess bless you in whatever path you choose.
Posts: 63
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Post by BethMariansChild on Jun 27, 2003 21:02:34 GMT -5
Callie - First of all, let me say that I am so very sorry to you for the horrible loss of your sister. Take care of youself in the best way that you can...and be there for your Mom as well. Just know that your anger is so very *normal*. What has happened is an outrage against your sister and your family...indeed against all law-abiding people...and we *should* be angry when something this tragic happens needlessly. It is so senseless. I extend the hand of friendship to you in hopes that you gain some support here.
Samantha - I will say right here and now that you are absolutely right in this: losing someone to murder is the *worst* kind of loss. I will also say that losing someone suddenly to a car accident is very painful and much more traumatic *in general* than losing a loved one to an anticipated death. I have lost one parent to murder and one to a car accident. I have lost many other loved ones to long-term illness and old age. It is all difficult, but the suddenness of the accidental death makes it more difficult to absorb and cope with than an anticipated death.
Murder is the worst of all...for many, many reasons - most of which have already been articulated, so I won't belabor the point.
I see this board as a place where we come to find comfort and solace and to offer them to others. Rudeness has no place here...none whatsoever.
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Noel
Sophomore
Regular
Posts: 72
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Post by Noel on Jun 27, 2003 21:05:01 GMT -5
I really think your lossed your way old son, what Sammy said is quite correct, if you go out in a car, light plane, a boat on the ocean even a lake, well you always expect the unexpected, and that in itself is a big shock, but to compare it to murder, son, you have to be joking. When you say farewell to a loved family member kiss them goodnight, and the next thing you know a policman knocks on your door and tells you a scumbag has taken that person away from you, all I can say to you sunshine is I hope it never happens to you, because unfourtunatly for you I think that is the only way you will ever mature, and if you cant understand that which I doubt, "it means grow up >:(goose"
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Post by Mac on Jun 27, 2003 22:10:42 GMT -5
First let me say how sorry I am for your lose. You must have loved your sister a great deal. I understand how you feel, the same thoughts have been in my head since july of 2001 when I lost my wife to murder.
It is so easy to beleave that no one cares your friends, some times your family, the police and the prosecutors. It is like no one sees how important this is. You don't understand why they are not as involved in the greif as you are.
When my wife was murdered I wanted time to stop. I beleave in my own way i made time stop for me. It angered me that time didn't stop for the rest of the world. I guess it is like the saying I wanted to hold time in a bottle. This is greif and it is normal. The feelings of lose and anger will probably be with you for ever. But those around have not forgotten and they still care for you and love you they just want you to be happy.
This spring my wifes father died. He was layed to rest next to my wife. It was the same furneral home, the same church, the same cemetery, the friends and family. Every thing was almost the same. But when I looked close things where diffrent. Children where older, there where a few new babies, one nephew was in Iraq, one sister in law had a new car, things had changed. As I stood next to these two graves i realized life had gone on for the rest of the world. I was the only one who had stopped. I could be angery at others for living there lives.
So I still miss my wife everyday. I don't try to hold time anymore I have to get on with my life. She would want it that way. She would want me to be happy.
This is a poem from the web that might help:
You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.
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Post by LisaAnne on Jun 30, 2003 7:26:50 GMT -5
Callie, I am so sorry for your loss. Sisters have a special bond. My sister was murdered too. Believe me, your friends care, they just don't know how to act. I had no idea before my sisters murder what a family goes through. People don't know if you want to talk about other things or if it helps to reminisce or talk about the details of the murder. For me, sometimes I want to talk about funny stories and sometimes I want to talk about the actual murder. I find that MY friends are not as understanding as my sisters friends, who are now good friends of mine. Hang in there Callie. Poeple who are not in our "club" can not understand. At times I thought I was going crazy but, for the most part, found out that my feelings were the same as many others. Take care and know that prayers are with you. Laurie
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Post by Johnny Love on Jun 30, 2003 8:17:45 GMT -5
I just wanted to apologise to everyone especially Callie. I did not mean to take away from your sister's death. I was very childish calling Samantha "Ms. Know it all" please forgive me. Reading these stories makes me so upset and I took it out on the wrong person!!! Samantha I think you are FABULOUS!!!!! and Clarissa I want to apologise to you also. I hope there are no hard feelings. I think Noel should also get scolded for calling me a "goose" fair is fair!!!! just kidding!!!! Thank you ladies for giving me the chance to apologise. I was very rude and like you kind ladies pointed out this is not the place for it. We all need to be there for each other in their time of need!!! You ladies are great and I just want to give you the praise that you so greatfully deserve!!!! Again I am sorry from my heart!!!!
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Post by Linda on Jun 30, 2003 10:43:14 GMT -5
I'm so glad you apologized as I was just about to rip into you myself. ;D Yes, all death is painful to survivors but having gone through, well almost, both, there is a big difference. My daughters were murdered 13 years ago on the 13th of this month. 9 years after they died my son was almost fatally injured in a car accident. He still has major life threatening injuries. Not to make light of either types of deaths since they are all devestating but, had he died, it wouldn't have been near as horrible as when his sisters were murdered. You must realize that the majority of the men and women here are survivors of the murders of their loved ones. I most certainly can understand how you may disagree with some people but usually we save "yelling" for the people who come here to tell us we are wrong for feeling however we feel. We try to save our anger for our situations and the people who caused them, not our individual opinions on what has happened to us. But sometimes even we can get frustrated with each other We try our best not to get that way. Even though I had nothing to do with your conversation, I accept your apology. Now......remember, constuctive criticism is allowed but helpful suggestions and advice or merely a shoulder would be much more appreciated. I just wanted to apologise to everyone especially Callie. I did not mean to take away from your sister's death. I was very childish calling Samantha "Ms. Know it all" please forgive me. Reading these stories makes me so upset and I took it out on the wrong person!!! Samantha I think you are FABULOUS!!!!! and Clarissa I want to apologise to you also. I hope there are no hard feelings. I think Noel should also get scolded for calling me a "goose" fair is fair!!!! just kidding!!!! Thank you ladies for giving me the chance to apologise. I was very rude and like you kind ladies pointed out this is not the place for it. We all need to be there for each other in their time of need!!! You ladies are great and I just want to give you the praise that you so greatfully deserve!!!! Again I am sorry from my heart!!!!
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Post by Linda on Jun 30, 2003 10:57:46 GMT -5
(((Callie1))) We've all been there. It's not that people don't want to understand, it's that they can't. It's as simple as that. That doesn't help us I know but it's the easiest explaination. Your friends may never understand and at this stage anything they do may make you angry. No one knows what to do or say for you and some may want to ignore it all together. You will have to choose which friends you want to stay in touch with more and sometimes you may need to find brand new friends with this situation. That is all way down the road. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your mother-in-law. If it was fairly close before, she might be trying to give you space and is waiting for you to make the first move, not realizing that you can't move at all right now. What people never realize is that as time passes we need people more not less. Our whole life has been changed forever along with our outlook, we are never the exactly the same again but we still need our friends and family. They will never understand that concept and that is something else we have to learn to deal with. I'm so sorry about your sister but we are here for you. Unfortunately, none of us will ever forget so we know somewhat what we are all going through. This is a club none of us ever wanted to join and some moron from hell went and paid our lifetime dues. Here's a big ((((HUG)))). I wish I could make it better for everyone here but that is impossible. I hope you come here often even if it is only to vent. Linda Well, Saturday will be 10 weeks since my baby sister was murdered. I can't believe how many people I thought were caring people don't even ask me how I'm doing anymore. It's like her murder never happened. I just want to scream at them. How can they be complaing about mundane things when my sister was just murdered??!!! Just today a friend couldn't understand why I did not want to go to a party with her tomorrow night. I don't feel like going out and partying. I am so sad and noone seems to understand that except my Mom because she is in as much pain as I am if not more. Why are people so insensitive?? Do I write these people off or tell them how I feel?? They don't seem to understand that not acknowledging my pain or what happened is the most painful of all. My own mother-in-law has not once in the last 10 weeks called to ask me how I am doing. Can you believe that? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I just feel so ANGRY........
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Post by Samantha - Urai's Daughter on Jun 30, 2003 12:08:31 GMT -5
Thanks for clarifying my point. I'm glad I was out of town and didn't have a chance to answer - considering the mood I was in, it might have been a bit snippy. I have lost all of my immediate family except for my brother and father - and my brother (as you can see from earlier posts) is dealing with the assault on his wife and the pending parole of her ex..... and I have certainly dealt with my personal fair share of losing loved ones to homicide AND accidents/health related deaths.... 9 homicides to date of close personal friends or relatives. Sometimes it makes me feel a bit "cursed".
To Mr. Love, apology accepted. I didn't make my point exactly clear, but then again I take it for granted most people here on the board know what I mean. I shall in the future try to be a little more clear when I post. I was a little hurt by the snub "know-it-all"; I certainly DON'T and hope that others here don't think I try to come across that way at all. I guess that's a personal thing. I just try to guide some down the same path I have trodden for years - I try to make their path a little less full of thorns as mine was. The learning experience that comes with dealing with the aftermath of homicide sometimes takes many years to come to a conclusion, or some reasonable facsimile thereof.
CALLIE, hang in there hon and know what you are feeling is very familiar to most of us - and we are all here for you to talk to.
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Post by Tracy on Jul 16, 2003 16:15:29 GMT -5
I am sorry to hear about your sister. It has been said that the world does not stop for my broken heart. I like yourself learned this the hard way. I could not understand the reactions of the people around me after my mothers murder. They seemed insensitive to my pain. When you loose a loved one to murder, it is a much different lose. It is not like the shock of an accident. It is a feeling that can't be described. We see people being murdered everyday on the news. We just never realize the extent of the pain and suffering that it can bring, until it happens to someone you love. I am not making any excuses for your friend. I have been through the same thing that you have. Yes, how quickly they forget. They just can not feel the impact that your sister's murder has had on your life. The pain will always be felt. We eventually learn to live with the pain. Never forgeting our loved ones. I understand how you feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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