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Post by myamber20 on Nov 7, 2005 19:14:32 GMT -5
I work as a waitress and as you know my beloved daughter was just murdered. My question or maybe just seeing what you all think is...... Sometimes I feel like telling some of the customers who I have waited on for awhile but still dont know my situation about what happened. Sometimes I feel I am going to give them a heartattack. Am I being too forward ?? Customers ask How are you? I want to tell them when I reply with not so good. I am not looking for sympathy, I feel in a way it is helping me to tell my story the horror story that it is. Mind you I dont go around telling everyone and his brother but it does come out at times. It is true life and it can happen to anyone. Some customers are afraid I feel of me. I feel like I have a plaque. My neighbors which I have lived her for 7 years have not sent a sympathy card, No knock at the door with a sorry or a casserole. I hate this Hate this Hate this. My poor Amber has been murdered and I am here to suffer the wrath for life and I know through this there have been a lot of really nice people but also I have found out who really are there for me and who my friends are. When Life gets tough the tough keep going is that the way its said? Does anyone understand what I am saying?? Thankyou, carolyn ambers mom
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Post by neverforget on Nov 7, 2005 19:40:47 GMT -5
I felt the same way as you, I never felt like telling people who even kind of knew me that I was okay right after it happened, so I didn't. When people asked me how i was i told them I was bad, because that was the truth. It was really funny how that caught people off guard. Some would ask why and some would just say that sucks and some didn't hear a word i said and said "oh, that's good." It's amazing how many people just say things for the sake of saying them and don't even listen to the response. There's nothing wrong with telling people the truth about how you are and letting some of your frustration out by talking about what happened, its not just searching for sympathy. All you're doing is telling the truth, and you just happend to be in a situation that deserves an awful lot of sympathy.
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Post by katie41160 on Nov 7, 2005 21:26:10 GMT -5
i agree completely it is fine to tell epople how you are and if you'd like to tell them about amber and it will make your day a little bit better than tellthem. i work in retail and some customers i have told about what happened.. and things are better for me i feel..
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Post by mattsma on Nov 8, 2005 11:12:15 GMT -5
hi carolyn, All of us have been faced with "not knowing what to say". I am sure that your regulars have noticed that you are not "acting like your old self", since this has happened. If it would make you feel better to talk about Amber, then break the ice and do it. Please try to keep in mind that this is a very touchy subject. Just as you ponder over talking about it, most likely,- so do they. Most people will silently wonder in concern, but will not mention it, for fear that they will upset you or hurt your feelings. I lived in the same neighborhood for 17 years when Matt was murdered, and none of my neighbors came to my house ......no cards ........flowers......nothing.........nothing but silence. Take care ((((hugs))))))) b-safe deb
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lilbird
Old Hand
Regular
Posts: 546
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Post by lilbird on Nov 8, 2005 12:21:02 GMT -5
this question you are asking has plaqued me for the last 5 years. I learned that when people are asking you "how are you doing?" that they really couldn't care less. It's just a greeting they use. I'd like to come up with a good response. Someone here mentioned, "a little less insane", i liked that. well that's good for me cause it's been 5 years and i do feel a little less insane. But you're full blown in this and i remember those feelings all too well when someone just asked the simple question, "how are you doing?". I absolutely HATED when someone asked that. I learned to wait for a signal from a person that they were a "safe" person to open up to about John's murder. but sadly i've been bitten by a lot of people who i thought were "safe". You learn to just keep your mouth shut, i felt like i lived inside myself~ well, i still do. Then there's times that i just announce it to someone cause i figure if i have to deal with his murder so should everyone else. You being a waitress, you have to work with the public and that's hard enough but to deal with people and their little petty problems after the tragedy you have been through has to be extremely difficult. I hear ya on the friend abandonment thing. I think everyone here has gone through that and if they have had a friend stick with them then they are extremely fortunate and that is a "true" friend. I lost everyone of my friends that knew both me and John. It's a VERY lonely feeling! John's mom went through the same thing. And she was involved in her church, very active in it and you would think they would rally around her but they were the same as the others. Actually, i think she was more hurt by it cause they are suppose to show the love of Christ but all she got was, "well, at least he wasn't a child cause then it would be worse for you". That one through her for a big loop. ohhh, that still gets to me, how they hurt her when they should of been comforting her. well, i have gone on but this is a topic i still have some bitterness about. I guess you will have to take each customer as they come and let us know how it goes and maybe we can help you through it.
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Post by wordup on Nov 9, 2005 21:03:02 GMT -5
AND YOU GUYS ARE ALL TELLING THE TRUTH HERE, THIS IS HOW IT IS , IT IS WHAT WE GO THROUHGH, I TRULY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING CAROLYN, TODAY I'M STILL NOT THE SAME WITH MOST PEOPLE I KNOW. FOR THE OTHERS AROUND ME, WELL I DON'T SPEND ANY MORE TIME AROUND THEM THAN NECESSARY. THEY DROPPED ME LIKE I WAS SOMETHING HOT, WHEN I REALLY NEEDED THEM, THIS JUST CHANGED A LOT OF THINGS WHEN IT COME TO WHAT I THINK ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT OUT OF THEM. WHICH IS WHY BOARDS LIKE THIS IS MOST HELPFUL TO THOSE WHO WALK IN OUT SHOES. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS ONE EIGHTER. HANG IN THERE.
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Post by whathappensnext on Nov 10, 2005 12:15:19 GMT -5
im new here i just joined today because of this letter i also have just recently lost my daughter its only been a year and a half . reading these letters are like they are about me. it is comforting to know that i am not so alone in this. i realise that we all will always be lonely in the fact that we have lost a part of ourselves but not alone in our feelings. thankyou all in letting me know that i am not the only one who doesn't know how to reply to how are you anymore
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Post by Cherry on Nov 10, 2005 14:48:43 GMT -5
Carolyn, It's been 2 years 3 months since my sister was murdered and I still feel the need to tell people what happened. If you feel safe telling your customers, tell them. I believe it helps to tell our stories. Peace to you. I am so sorry about Amber.
Cherry
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alone39
Inactive
Toyanne Hightower: Oct 17th, 1969-- Feb 26th, 2003
Posts: 15
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Post by alone39 on Nov 10, 2005 15:00:20 GMT -5
I too understand what it's like to have to deal with this. Some days I just let people have it, other days I just can't talk about it. The thing that bothers me now is that people wont talk to me about her-as if she never existed. It's sad that someone can be taken like our loved ones have, and then we feel as if we are expected to act as if we are okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay.
Just do what you feel at the time. There are no guidelines for us. So say it if you have to, don't say it if you don't want to. I want to shout it to everyone I see sometimes, and other times I just want to disappear.......
*hugs to you* I'm here if you need me. I have been reading here since this thing happened, but I just joined this year, and sometimes I don't know what to say. But i'll be around.
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Post by myamber20 on Nov 10, 2005 15:29:57 GMT -5
thankyou all for your responses. It is good to know you all understand and are all in the same leaky boat. carolyn ambers mom
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Post by Charlene on Nov 10, 2005 21:02:27 GMT -5
Wayne, is that Toyanne in your avatar? She was beautiful. I too understand what it's like to have to deal with this. Some days I just let people have it, other days I just can't talk about it. The thing that bothers me now is that people wont talk to me about her-as if she never existed. It's sad that someone can be taken like our loved ones have, and then we feel as if we are expected to act as if we are okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay. Just do what you feel at the time. There are no guidelines for us. So say it if you have to, don't say it if you don't want to. I want to shout it to everyone I see sometimes, and other times I just want to disappear....... *hugs to you* I'm here if you need me. I have been reading here since this thing happened, but I just joined this year, and sometimes I don't know what to say. But i'll be around.
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alone39
Inactive
Toyanne Hightower: Oct 17th, 1969-- Feb 26th, 2003
Posts: 15
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Post by alone39 on Nov 11, 2005 16:12:14 GMT -5
Yes, Charlene, that was Toyanne. She was beautiful. What a smile, huh?
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Post by angielala on Nov 11, 2005 18:41:19 GMT -5
Carolyn,
Sometimes I find myself talking to complete strangers about what happened to Lisa,Heather, and Avery. I joined a gym about 2 months after they died and I blurted out what happened to one of the employees there. I have NO idea why I did that, I can't even remember what we were talking about. Sometimes it feels a little better to let it out and get it off your chest. It never goes away but it feels better releasing it sometimes. Sometimes the people who you least expect turn out to be the best listeners.
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Post by fight4justice on Nov 18, 2005 16:27:38 GMT -5
I knew exactly what you are saying. It has been almost 4 years since Joey was murdered and I will never be OK. When asked how I'm doing I usually just respond "maintaining". It would be OK to talk about your situation and I feel that talking about things does help you cope. Some people believe that since they don't know what to do or say so they simply stay away--is as if living with murder is contagious. Like Mattsma, I lived in my neighbor 25 yrs and not one stopped over or sent a card however, I am blessed with true friends and have a great deal of support. Stay Safe
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Post by wordup on Nov 19, 2005 15:44:39 GMT -5
I believe what fight4justice said at the end of her post, holds a lot of weight, Blessed to have friends and that support, I know this would have helped me if they would have supported me, they all left and it is aslo true I felt like I was contagious for no one came during the time I really needed them. Although I can't bring myself to mistreat any of them, I've taken a lesson from them, and I have learned, Never to expect from someone something they are not willing to give. I hope this makes sense. I'm only speaking personally, Hang in there.
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Post by pumpkin12903 on Nov 20, 2005 11:26:42 GMT -5
Dear Wordup, that's for sure! I've also learning, and am still learning, what to expect and not expect. This may be kind of off topic, but I learned once again who I could count on when I moved to a new place a few weeks ago. My fiance was there for me as he was in my last move. And his family was to a degree, too. I think with a move you really find out who will be there. I did in this last 1 and had some tears over some of it for those who were NOT there for me and said they would but then backed out. So from now on when I move again, which I'm praying won't be for a LONG time, I'll know who I can count on again and who I can't. Thanks for listening.
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Post by ChellysdadinOC on Nov 21, 2005 1:53:50 GMT -5
I am trying to understand how to discuss this issue period my daughter Chelsea 14 was found in the home of 45yr "dirt bag" when the police arrived they found her in the basement. This dirt bag is the one who called 911 to report a burglary. Dirt bags house was a local party house for teens he supplied the alky and drugs. I will not deny the fact that Chelsea was doing things that no parent would want there daughter to be doing. So when friends ask what happened to her I have a very difficult time discussing it period. Chelsea was murdered on 11/2/05 so I realize this is a question my friends would ask out of concern, but I myself have not been able to question the lead detective on all the facts that led up to her murder because I don't want to know.even went as far as to tell the detective I don't want to know the brutality of her murder all I have requested was the toxicology and the DNA results that is all I thought I needed to know. Well that did not go to far I found out today for the first time by local papers in "VA WA" that she was naked laying dead. :'(So for me I DON'T THINK I WILL BE ABLE TO DISCUSS THIS ISSUE AT ALL AND I HAVE TAKEN THIS TO NEXT LEVEL I HAVE COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN THIS WEEK AND I ISOLATED MY SELF ,TODAY WAS THE FIRST DAY I PICKED UP MY PHONE IN SIX DAYS. Last thing my daughter was not in my care my ex had custody of my children I am currently in Family court in OC CA and now I will be going back to court as a parent of a murdered child I just hope my "faith" gets back on track between now and then. I do get some comfort in talking about this on this web page but I am still isolating because I am by myself except for this "forum" Isolating maybe not?
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Post by myamber20 on Nov 21, 2005 5:58:24 GMT -5
I am sorry CHELLY for your daughters senseless loss. This is as POMC'S something that only we can imagine, we cant even imagine it. Others dont want to either. They dont want it to happen to them, (well no crap). So your daughter was having a bad stage in her life, unfortunelty the POS took advantage of that. 1 day at a time . It alway brings me to that song (One day at a time sweet jesus thats all Im asking from you....) This for me right now anyway, the mornings are a new beginning and realization of what happened, so I start from the beginning every day. This is very exhausting. I dont know if that will ever go away, I hope so. I hope 1 day I only have the sweet memories of my Amber.
MY SISTER said to me Well, at least you had her for 20 years!! You can not compare this to It is better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all. She has been there for me but that for me anyway was not a comforting thing to say.
Amber was my heart and noone can take my heart away. Amber my precious daughter, I love and miss you. Carolyn ambers mom
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Post by c21king2queen on Feb 9, 2009 19:00:14 GMT -5
I understand how you have been feeling. Since my husband's murder people ask how I'm doing, but they don't really want to know the truth or they don't really care. Right after his murder people were crawling out of the woodwork, so to speak. People I hadn't seen or heard from in years called and came to see me or came to his funeral. Right after the funeral they all dissappeared. I have reached a point where I just lie to people and tell them what they want to hear and show them what they want to see. That's why I like this MVS site. I can let out at least some of my feelings and what I am going through, here. God has been my only true friend, help, protector, and refuge. You should tell people how you really feel, even if they don't care or understand. It's better to let it out.
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sandra
Cadet
Survivor of a Serial Killer
Posts: 205
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Post by sandra on Feb 11, 2009 14:56:53 GMT -5
If someone is giving me a hard time because I can't do something physical they expect me to do on a job or with friends, I just tell them what happened or remind them what happened. I didn't get any sympathy from my employers of co-workers. I decided I could care less what they thought. Imagine just coming out of intensive care and having my boss call my mom to see when I could return to work. What an idiot. I couldn't not ever go back to that job because of my physical problems.
My scars are visible because some of them are on my face. Some people are so vain I'm not included when they have parties or outing together. So I have scars on my face and I have some physical problems, big deal!
I often tell people who asked me how I was feeling because I needed to express my real feelings. I've also told people what happened because of their attitude toward the question of how I got the scars on my face. I just wanted to shock effect from the expression on their faces. I tell people what happened and I don't care what their response will be. People who haven't experienced anything like this won't understand.
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char
First-time poster
Posts: 1
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Post by char on Feb 21, 2009 10:07:14 GMT -5
I am the mother of Toyanne Hightower and it wll Be 6 years real soon How do we keep on going?
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Post by Charlene on Feb 21, 2009 19:10:25 GMT -5
I am the mother of Toyanne Hightower and it wll Be 6 years real soon How do we keep on going? Hi Char. I'm so sorry about Toyanne. Your son-in-law Wayne used to post here but he has not been back for a couple of years. If you could let me know how he is doing, I would appreciate it. I'm so sorry for everything your family has gone through; I know you also lost your other daughter Katrina after Toyanne was killed. She had originally posted an article about Toyanne's murder a few months after she was killed. There is a sub-board here called Murder in the Family that is specifically for people with cases like yours, where both the victim and the murderer are in your family. Reading some of the posts there might be helpful to you. You keep on going because it's the only thing to do. You keep on going because Toyanne would want you to. You honor her memory by putting one foot in front of the other, and living out your life, which she cannot do. Toyanne was so beautiful, and I know she was a wonderful person, just from looking at her lovely smile. I hope you find some comfort here, among many people who understand how you are feeling. Charlene
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Post by belmont34 on Aug 2, 2012 23:33:28 GMT -5
Hi--I found that people really were shocked when i told them that my dad was murdered. Their entire face would just drop and then i'd find myself caring for them. Saying there there. It's okay. I'm fine. So, the result was not what i needed or wanted. So, sharing became harder then keeping it inside. Jodi
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Post by Janet-Beth's Mom on Aug 4, 2012 9:48:44 GMT -5
Hi--I found that people really were shocked when i told them that my dad was murdered. Their entire face would just drop and then i'd find myself caring for them. Saying there there. It's okay. I'm fine. So, the result was not what i needed or wanted. So, sharing became harder then keeping it inside. Jodi I agree Belmont. Their faces are often like deer in the headlights in shock, and I sometimes feel as if I have put something evil into their lives. I don't bring it up as often anymore, but I don't avoid it either, especially if it is simply the truth of what we are talking about. People should know something about what the reality is, as much as they can be helped to - what really matters.
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Post by sentinel on Aug 21, 2012 23:44:37 GMT -5
Ya know what I tell people? "You got a few hours?"
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